Don't know how to cope with DP revelation

[daisydays90]

I've name changed for this.

Last night I was putting washing away when I came across a bank statement stuffed into my DP's drawer. I was shocked to see it was in a substantial overdraft as he'd told me he was using this account to put money away so he could plan a surprise for me and DS. (We share all other finances, so or I thought...)

I did a little digging and came across another more recent bank statement, showing very large sums being paid out to certain individuals. It also showed that he'd lied about how much money his dad lent us a few months ago when he lost his job due to the pandemic.

When he got home from work (he has a new job, luckily he was only out of work for about 6 weeks), I confronted him straight away. He admitted that last year he started using cocaine. He was incredibly stressed - I knew this and had talked him into going to a psychotherapist but he only went once and although he said it was a positive experience, he didn't go back despite me constantly asking him to. He said he just did it to try and help him focus at work and take the stress off, but it quickly became a problem both in terms of addiction and financial. He said he realised he was digging a huge hole that he'd struggle to get out of if in continued, so he stopped. He told me he hasn't used at all since last year but has spent that time worrying and trying to pay it back and also feeling immensely guilty for keeping this from me. He'd never done anything like this before.

He was so, so apologetic, upset, ashamed and embarrassed. He promised this is the only thing he's ever kept from me and although he knew he should have told me, he was worried I would leave him and he couldn't bear to lose me and his family.

We've been together over 6 years now. We are engaged to be married next year, already have a young child and have another on the way. Although I knew we were dealing with him feeling really out of sorts and stressed, which he said was pretty much completely down to his old job and then lockdown/both of us being on furlough, I thought everything was otherwise pretty perfect.

I love him with everything I have. He is an amazing partner, provides for us, works extremely hard and has always been a complete support to us. Loving, committed, honestly everything I ever wanted in a partner.

This has completely shook me up and I'm struggling so much with how to feel. There's no denying I still want to be with him. I told him I love him and although I'm incredibly disappointed, I'm not just going to end our relationship because things are difficult just now. We will work through it. I'm just worried because in the back of my head I'm wondering, "What if it happens again?"

He told me if he ever felt the urge to use again, he would instantly tell me and we would work together to get him help. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that right now some trust is gone.

It's made more difficult as I'm in the early stage of pregnancy and my hormones are already all over the place - but I feel somewhat numb about all of this. Detached from reality as if it's not really happening.

How do I move forward?

Sorry mis post will remove

Well he said he never put you in harms way but he owed A DRUG dealer money-you were in danger whether you want to admit it to yourself or not

Bloody hell, I was thinking a couple of gram a week might have run into the thousands (about 4,500 looking at my original link) but thousands in 6 months 😮

A really puzzling story as he seems to have very quickly and in a short space of time ran up huge debts . Could he have other addictions...gambling, prostitutes... could these have been prior to drugs meaning he already had debts.

Sorry OP I'm playing out the life of an addict I know, please consider all options no matter how hurtful this may be?

Using kids wee! That’s bad. I once knew a addict who was being tested at work- they stupidly told her though that they will be testing her “tomorrow” so she took in her sisters wee in a pot in her pocket. Peed for a little bit, stopped so there was a pause and carried on weeing whilst tipping her sisters wee in to the pot.

She got away with it. Can’t believe the lengths they go too!

Anyone who was doing 1000's of pounds worth of cocaine would have been an absolute mess most days. He would have been up all night on the internet, acting wierd, probably furiously walking etc. The next days, miserable, sniffing, incompetent.. it just seems not possible that this would be a revelation. Never mind the fact that which drug vendor would allow this level of debt? I wouldn't accept this story on face value at all.

Look- the very very obvious thing going on here is that the husband is a drug dealer too. It’s the only valid explanation. There is no other way to rack up such a debt and pay in instalments.

So what if your husband is rich and doesn’t need the money- you think poor people sell drugs?? Of course they don’t- how would they afford too? Rich people sell drugs op- to the poor people in grams, so it’s more affordable for them. Keeps them hooked- it’s the whole point.

*wanking not walking

@bellaisle

A really puzzling story as he seems to have very quickly and in a short space of time ran up huge debts . Could he have other addictions...gambling, prostitutes... could these have been prior to drugs meaning he already had debts.

Sorry OP I'm playing out the life of an addict I know, please consider all options no matter how hurtful this may be?

He didn't already have debts. All of our finances were joint and I regularly checked both of our credit files. There was no secret credit cards or loans - I knew about them all. The only new one that I've just found out about was a very small one that he used to pay for these drugs.

have name changed for this too

we have a friend who took coke every single day at work. His wife had no idea. It was when he woke up one day and realised he didn't have enough coke to get him through the day and then realised how much he now needed to get through each day that he realised he had to stop. And he did. He was paying about £60 a gram and going through anything between 1 and 3g a day so basically a £1k a week at its most.

only thing I find odd from your story is there is no drug dealer on earth who takes bank transfers. It sounds like your husband was in cahoots with this friend. He must have transferred the money to his friend and then his friend bought the drugs. I can't believe anyone would be stupid enough to leave a money trail via bank accounts which are so easily traced now.

‘ I genuinely believe he would never put myself or our child in harm's way. He said his focus to stop was us. He just kept thinking about how much he had fucked up and thinking of us was what made him finally quit. ’

if he was bothered about you and your child he wouldn’t have gone near a drug dealer and bought drugs in the first place. It sounds more like he’s sorry you’ve caught him to be honest.
And he didn’t do drugs at home no, but he still had it in his system when he came and probably kissed and held your child.

People like this never change.
I really hope you find a solution to this 😢

@Gymsmile21

Look- the very very obvious thing going on here is that the husband is a drug dealer too. It’s the only valid explanation. There is no other way to rack up such a debt and pay in instalments.

So what if your husband is rich and doesn’t need the money- you think poor people sell drugs?? Of course they don’t- how would they afford too? Rich people sell drugs op- to the poor people in grams, so it’s more affordable for them. Keeps them hooked- it’s the whole point.

He isn't rich. I said he has a good job and a good salary, as in we can comfortably pay our bills. We are far from rich. I really, really doubt he's a drug dealer. There's never been any signs of that at all.

Everything he has told me, regarding when he started taking the cocaine, matches up with our bank statements and his own bank statement.

When he gets home I'm going to ask him to show me his correspondence with the dealer, to know for sure what's going on there.

I agree with PPs that something isn't right about this story.

I only have experience of buying weed, but no dealer I've ever traded with has ever offered a tab!

The only people I know of who get class As on tab are those who are basically reselling or supplying - think celebrities or the very rich throwing parties with a constant flow of coke and pills, or at the less glamorous end, escort agencies and corner boys.

Does he work in hospitality or in high finance/high value sales? Coke use is absolutely a big part of those industries and it can be well nigh impossible to leave the lifestyle behind without leaving the industry as well.

Coke doesn't create a physical addiction, so it's possible in that sense to go cold turkey. However it does create a psychological addiction and that can be very hard to beat.

I don't think you've got the truth yet and until that happens I don't think you can make a decision about where to go from here.

My brother got involved with drugs in his teens, got on tic (credit) with drug dealers (he wasn’t a new customer) but then he struggled to pay it, it wasn’t even that substantial but they find out where you live and then they threaten your family, the amount of windows that got smashed out and cars that were severely damaged by them- luckily my brother was truthful with my parents eventually and it was sorted but he didn’t have anywhere near as big as a problem as it seems your DP does. I don’t think he’s being truthful with you, and I don’t think you should trust him, because he’s put both you and your child in danger. Please don’t marry him on that basis.

There was no signs he was on drugs for 6 months too.

He is a dealer. He has enough money to pay bills and keep the house afloat, he isn’t poor either. He also managed to create a new account with thousands of pounds going out of it for drugs. That’s rich in my book. Maybe not yours, but your obviously not as poor as me.

Op, dealing isn't always hanging out on a street corner or answering the phone suspiciously a lot. Example, my ex DP used to pick up say 100 pills from one guy for X amount, keep some for himself and his mates so he got them cheaper, then sell the rest on to someone who would then sell direct to users. He would get a couple of hundred quid out of this a time too. There are ways to make your habit cheaper.

There’s some very dicey “facts” written here. Probably by people who have had very little contact with drugs in their lives.

Some people act normal on drugs. They aren’t obviously high. Although the giveaway was his problems with his nose.

It’s very easy to spend a lot of money quickly if they become reliant on it. Every day they use their tolerance will increase so they will need more of the drug to achieve the same result.

Some dealers will give credit very easily especially if you start returning on a regular basis. They are happy for you to rack up debt as they know you still need it so will continue to return. Also with a professional man with a family they know that they addict doesn’t want anyone to find out so that’s their leverage to get paid.

He’s not on cocaine OP it sounds like he’s dealing it. The bank payments will be to his ‘boss’

@Gymsmile21

There was no signs he was on drugs for 6 months too.

He is a dealer. He has enough money to pay bills and keep the house afloat, he isn’t poor either. He also managed to create a new account with thousands of pounds going out of it for drugs. That’s rich in my book. Maybe not yours, but your obviously not as poor as me.

He didn't create a new account with thousands of his own money going out of it - it was in overdraft and then his DF gave him money. He had no money going into it other than a couple of hundred transferred from our joint account which he said was because he was saving up for a surprise for us. He only created the account and set up an overdraft facility as a means of paying the dealer as he didn't know what else to do.

I cannot stress this enough - he is not dealing. Of that I am positive.

I’d be more concerned that he’s potentially been around your child off his face🤢

You might want to look forexcessive cash withdrawals too, especially before the bank transfers started. He has definitely lied, to you , his df , work? Be wary of believing him now. Did the low mood come first or after he started. Who is this "friend" and does he still have contact? He won't stay clean, assuming he is, if he keeps these contacts.

Yeah no. He's lying. Dealers deal drugs, they don't provide 5 months worth of drugs then interest free credit for 6 months. No dealer would do that. No dealer would let anyone build up thousands of debt, unless they were a celebrity / very rich and the dealer knew they were good for it. If your DP has been making payments to the dealer recently it's because he's been using recently.

If the dealer has another business and your DP's transfers pretended to relate to purchases from that business will the dealer have to report the money as business income to HMRC? Sounds very weird to me.

He's lying.

@LIZS

You might want to look forexcessive cash withdrawals too, especially before the bank transfers started. He has definitely lied, to you , his df , work? Be wary of believing him now. Did the low mood come first or after he started. Who is this "friend" and does he still have contact? He won't stay clean, assuming he is, if he keeps these contacts.

The change in his mood was definitely before. The stress due to work started 12-18 months beforehand. He ended up in hospital twice due to panic attacks brought on my severe stress. The cocaine use started much later.

There's only one way you'll know if he's really stopped. Make him take a Drug test. You'll soon find out by his reaction if he's still using.

do not marry him OP

this is a slippery slope from here, he isnt telling you the truth and i would not trust him as far as i could throw him