Don't know how to cope with DP revelation

[daisydays90]

I've name changed for this.

Last night I was putting washing away when I came across a bank statement stuffed into my DP's drawer. I was shocked to see it was in a substantial overdraft as he'd told me he was using this account to put money away so he could plan a surprise for me and DS. (We share all other finances, so or I thought...)

I did a little digging and came across another more recent bank statement, showing very large sums being paid out to certain individuals. It also showed that he'd lied about how much money his dad lent us a few months ago when he lost his job due to the pandemic.

When he got home from work (he has a new job, luckily he was only out of work for about 6 weeks), I confronted him straight away. He admitted that last year he started using cocaine. He was incredibly stressed - I knew this and had talked him into going to a psychotherapist but he only went once and although he said it was a positive experience, he didn't go back despite me constantly asking him to. He said he just did it to try and help him focus at work and take the stress off, but it quickly became a problem both in terms of addiction and financial. He said he realised he was digging a huge hole that he'd struggle to get out of if in continued, so he stopped. He told me he hasn't used at all since last year but has spent that time worrying and trying to pay it back and also feeling immensely guilty for keeping this from me. He'd never done anything like this before.

He was so, so apologetic, upset, ashamed and embarrassed. He promised this is the only thing he's ever kept from me and although he knew he should have told me, he was worried I would leave him and he couldn't bear to lose me and his family.

We've been together over 6 years now. We are engaged to be married next year, already have a young child and have another on the way. Although I knew we were dealing with him feeling really out of sorts and stressed, which he said was pretty much completely down to his old job and then lockdown/both of us being on furlough, I thought everything was otherwise pretty perfect.

I love him with everything I have. He is an amazing partner, provides for us, works extremely hard and has always been a complete support to us. Loving, committed, honestly everything I ever wanted in a partner.

This has completely shook me up and I'm struggling so much with how to feel. There's no denying I still want to be with him. I told him I love him and although I'm incredibly disappointed, I'm not just going to end our relationship because things are difficult just now. We will work through it. I'm just worried because in the back of my head I'm wondering, "What if it happens again?"

He told me if he ever felt the urge to use again, he would instantly tell me and we would work together to get him help. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that right now some trust is gone.

It's made more difficult as I'm in the early stage of pregnancy and my hormones are already all over the place - but I feel somewhat numb about all of this. Detached from reality as if it's not really happening.

How do I move forward?

He said if that were to ever happen he would tell me.

And then what? You have to talk an addict out of getting a fix? And if you don't, then it's your fault?

He wants to show remorse whilst keeping this a dead secret. Like I'm pretty sure his dad doesn't know what the loan was for. My conditions would be:

• he attends Narcotics Anonymous from now on
• he starts seeing the psychotherapist again
• he tells his dad the truth about what the loan was for
• the wedding is off for the foreseeable future

This isn't about punishment, but about accountability. He has to really own the enormity of his mistake, not have you collude in covering it for him. That won't help him, and ultimately won't help you either.

@LIZS I meant he's finished paying the dealer, as I didn't want the dealer to be chasing him for money. He promised this is now paid off - but yes, he's had to use his dad's money for this. I only knew about half of the money his dad gave us, which we are paying back just now. Obviously now that I've found out about the other half, I have upped the amount we're paying back monthly by quite a bit!

@Egghead81 Perhaps he is a novice, I really can't say. He was introduced to DP via a "friend". The dealer has a partner and child of his own (makes me sick tbh). He also has a good job selling a specific product; the bank paper trail looks like payments for purchasing this product. You're right though, it's worrying that there's a paper trail - not much we can do about that now.

If you want to stay together, you can't just rely on his willpower and telling you if he's feeling the urge.

Come on now, what are your qualifications and credentials for supporting someone with addictions effectively?
What do you know about addiction?

He needs professional help and support.

And you need support and advice too, otherwise you're going to end up in a co-dependent mess.

Making promises and saying "oh I'll be honest from now on"/"I'll ask for help from you" is easy.

Not insisting on actual action in seeking support will bite you in the arse hard.

This all doesn’t sound right. It’s not about the drugs now, it’s about the situation he has put the family in and making you feel vulnerable.

I would shit myself if my partner was bringing the drug world into our lives, it’s not a nice world at all!!

@tribpot Of course it wouldn't be my fault - and my DP would never insinuate that it is. He 100% is taking accountability for this. There is no blame on anyone else or even on his circumstances that led to this decision. He is saying he fucked up majorly, he realised that, and has spent the last few months trying to think up every which way to pay off the dealer and get this all behind him. He instantly thought once he told me yesterday that I would tell him to pack a bag and go. He even offered to do that. He's amazed I'm still here. But I don't believe in bailing just because things get tough. He has told me he will come to me if he's struggling again - right now, with the new job etc, he says he's felt in much better place for a few months now.

I think NA and seeing the psychotherapist again is a good idea. I initially told him that we won't tell anyone that this has happened, but perhaps I need to get him to own up to our families so that they know.

@Magnificentmug12 Trust me, I am shitting myself. I am completely anti-drugs and it feels horrible to be in this position. He knows he's put us here too and is extremely remorseful. That's why tonight I'm going to ask to see proof that he has paid the dealer back in full, so I know we won't be getting chased for any money.

@category12 I didn't mean that by him telling me he felt the urge to use that I would have the experience and credentials to help him. I meant we would get him the professional help that he needs.

and has spent the last few months trying to think up every which way to pay off the dealer and get this all behind him.

Why? Has the dealer threatened him? Threatened his family? Fuck that, his putting you all at risk, I would dump him and run for the hills!

Yes op, definitely do that, that would be my first priority if I’m honest, to check it’s paid.

Sorry your in this situation.

My ultimatum would be that he stops using immediately and attends Narcotics Anonymous meetings. If not, then I’d probably end the relationship.

@Magnificentmug12 No, he just didn't want to owe any drug debts to a dealer. DP just said whenever the dealer messaged him asking for a payment, he made one. And he kept doing that until it was all paid off, which he says it now is. He said he was just focused on trying to get the money together to get the dealer paid. The dealer has never been threatening to him at all, he would just message him asking for payment.

@BellaTheDog He says he hasn't used at all this year, that he stopped late last year when he realised what a hole he was in.

Ahhh I don’t know Op. that don’t sound right either. Something is wrong here I’m sorry to say.

Payment is made when collecting. Large sums being purchased are paid later if your re dealing yourself. How did your other half manage to consume large amounts to rack up a large debt. Is he a drug dealer himself and you just don’t know?

Do you know how much he spent on drugs in total? Are his family aware of the situation?

OP, are you sure it’s cocaine? There’s just something about this that doesn’t ring true.

I know everyone is saying that you can't just stop cold turkey and that he's probably hiding the fact he's still using, and perhaps I'm just super naive for saying this, but if anyone can stop, my DP can. He is the most strong willed, determined individual I've ever met. When he sets his mind to something, no matter how difficult, he does it. So I'm inclined to believe him.

I'm also wondering if he wasn't actually addicted, but used enough for it to become a habit but not an actual serious addiction? I don't know... I know nothing about drugs or addiction tbh. I asked him if he suffered withdrawals when he stopped. He said not physical ones, that it was more mental/emotional turmoil and he kept wanting to use and had to keep himself from doing so.

I know a little bit about this, and it is extremely unlikely that he would have taken enough Cocaine to cause withdrawal symptoms.

I think if you were my friend I would be pointing out he didn’t come clean, it took you finding things and challenging them. So it’s not trust the drugs, it’s the stealing joint money, lying to you and hiding things. It’s interesting that it’s you who has upped the payments to his DF rather than him. Was he out of the house for work through the pandemic then? I would want a full credit report (you can register for free to get a full one) as his credit rating impacts yours. I’d want to see correspondence. I’d hope he’d tell his family so you’re not having to carry this alone. Some therapy would be good, maybe couples therapy. I wouldn’t marry him yet.

@BellaTheDog I'm pretty positive it's cocaine. He's had problems with his nose since last year, which makes a ton of sense now.

@Eviebeans Yes I have a fair idea and he gave me a figure as well. No his family aren't aware. As far as he knows, nobody is aware at all other than the dealer and his "friend" who introduced them.

@Magnificentmug12 I think he was buying it frequently and then paying for it a few days later. Then he ran out of money and owed the dealer quite a bit. The dealer and DP have some mutual friends and met via a "friend" too. Perhaps he wasn't insisting on payment straight away? I can tell you for certain my DP was not dealing. There's been no extra cash anywhere that's suspicious. He's just had to try and find money to pay the dealer back.

That’s a very unusual and accommodating drug dealer, OP! I never imagined they offered drugs on a “buy now pay later” basis, and just politely requested partial payments at random intervals.
Is your DP lying through his teeth, or has he actually found the only non threatening, kindly, family friendly, neighbourhood dealer that is the exception to the rule?!

@Magnificentmug12

Ahhh I don’t know Op. that don’t sound right either. Something is wrong here I’m sorry to say.

Payment is made when collecting. Large sums being purchased are paid later if your re dealing yourself. How did your other half manage to consume large amounts to rack up a large debt. Is he a drug dealer himself and you just don’t know?

This.

OP you need another cards on the table chat because he isn't telling you the truth.

The kind of dealer who can afford for a customer to get into thousands of pounds of debt isn't the kind of dealer who is happy to have instalments whenever you can afford them and doesn't chase hard and threaten if they aren't paid in full immediately.

You're not getting the full picture here.

I stopped cold Turkey after a health scare. Had mental health support in the subsequent months and never touched the stuff again. I was a heavy user. It was dangerous and foolish of me to go cold Turkey with no support but I was scared of the implications of seeking help. I would do it differently now. Well, I wouldn't have started if I could go back in time, obviously.

Seriously you need a cards on the table, if you don't tell me everything now then it's over, it would be cruel if you keep one more single thing from me when I'm being reasonable etc... come to Jesus chat. Tonight.

He has put you in danger both financially, emotionally and depending on his dealer also physically. He is right to feel ashamed and disgusted with himself.

@Magnificentmug12

Ahhh I don’t know Op. that don’t sound right either. Something is wrong here I’m sorry to say.

Payment is made when collecting. Large sums being purchased are paid later if your re dealing yourself. How did your other half manage to consume large amounts to rack up a large debt. Is he a drug dealer himself and you just don’t know?

That's what I was thinking. It's normally 'cash on delivery' for personal use amounts.

It smells of re dealing to me.

The other thing is that this could really change the dynamics of the relationship and the way you interact - now that you are aware of the situation you'll not want to upset/stress him out just in case it makes him use

OP, do you work? I ask not at all in judgment, but to see whether you're financially independent. The people I know in this situation who have felt the most trapped are the ones who relied on their partners for financial stability. (City types, who pulled enough in to support a high standard of living on one salary, but it turned into golden handcuffs.)

Some over reactions here as usual. If as you say this is completely out of character and a one off then I think it's solvable.

He has made a HUGE mistake! But he's otherwise a loving and commuted partner and father. You can work through this.

It's ok to be angry. Perhaps try couples therapy or at the very least he needs to go back into therapy.

It just doesn’t make sense op- it’s not ringing right, there is something you don’t know.

Are we talking thousands of pounds here? If so that’s a flag- a great big giant flag that you can’t see because your an innocent who knows nothing of that shit, horrible world.