Don't know how to cope with DP revelation

[daisydays90]

I've name changed for this.

Last night I was putting washing away when I came across a bank statement stuffed into my DP's drawer. I was shocked to see it was in a substantial overdraft as he'd told me he was using this account to put money away so he could plan a surprise for me and DS. (We share all other finances, so or I thought...)

I did a little digging and came across another more recent bank statement, showing very large sums being paid out to certain individuals. It also showed that he'd lied about how much money his dad lent us a few months ago when he lost his job due to the pandemic.

When he got home from work (he has a new job, luckily he was only out of work for about 6 weeks), I confronted him straight away. He admitted that last year he started using cocaine. He was incredibly stressed - I knew this and had talked him into going to a psychotherapist but he only went once and although he said it was a positive experience, he didn't go back despite me constantly asking him to. He said he just did it to try and help him focus at work and take the stress off, but it quickly became a problem both in terms of addiction and financial. He said he realised he was digging a huge hole that he'd struggle to get out of if in continued, so he stopped. He told me he hasn't used at all since last year but has spent that time worrying and trying to pay it back and also feeling immensely guilty for keeping this from me. He'd never done anything like this before.

He was so, so apologetic, upset, ashamed and embarrassed. He promised this is the only thing he's ever kept from me and although he knew he should have told me, he was worried I would leave him and he couldn't bear to lose me and his family.

We've been together over 6 years now. We are engaged to be married next year, already have a young child and have another on the way. Although I knew we were dealing with him feeling really out of sorts and stressed, which he said was pretty much completely down to his old job and then lockdown/both of us being on furlough, I thought everything was otherwise pretty perfect.

I love him with everything I have. He is an amazing partner, provides for us, works extremely hard and has always been a complete support to us. Loving, committed, honestly everything I ever wanted in a partner.

This has completely shook me up and I'm struggling so much with how to feel. There's no denying I still want to be with him. I told him I love him and although I'm incredibly disappointed, I'm not just going to end our relationship because things are difficult just now. We will work through it. I'm just worried because in the back of my head I'm wondering, "What if it happens again?"

He told me if he ever felt the urge to use again, he would instantly tell me and we would work together to get him help. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that right now some trust is gone.

It's made more difficult as I'm in the early stage of pregnancy and my hormones are already all over the place - but I feel somewhat numb about all of this. Detached from reality as if it's not really happening.

How do I move forward?

With regards to the amount and debt - if he didn't pay, could the dealer perhaps have added on lots of interest which is why it became so high?

• How much was he taking in grams per week on average?

• How much was he paying per gram?

• For how long was he taking it - when did it start, when did he stop?

• How many different dealers did he use in total across that whole period?

• Has he ever sold on to other people, even if just picking up for a friend at the same time as getting his then them paying him back afterwards?

These are some of the questions you need to ask IMO and we could help sense check his answers for you based on our experience as so far he is giving you a really, really unlikely story.

He could have had a consultation with his GP and if necessary taken prescribed meds for a short time to help with anxiety/stress/depression.

Much cheaper and safer and no need to get involved with dealers and stuff ££££ up his nose.

No need for all the lies either.

If you're going to drug test him which whilst a very sad thing to have to do, is virtually the only way you can know for sure, make sure he does them at home. You can get multi drug ones for peace of mind if you suspect at any point he has swapped one addiction for another. I think addicts do recover, if they change the environment they came to take drugs in and address the root cause of their need to take them. So if he's been taking them with friends he needs to cut them out or you'll not be able to trust him when he goes out with them. Its about being fair to you, he needs to do whatever it takes to make you feel secure that its in the past, and if he genuinely is sorry and wants to change then he'll do that, and keep doing it.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

- How much was he taking in grams per week on average?

• How much was he paying per gram?

• For how long was he taking it - when did it start, when did he stop?

• How many different dealers did he use in total across that whole period?

• Has he ever sold on to other people, even if just picking up for a friend at the same time as getting his then them paying him back afterwards?

These are some of the questions you need to ask IMO and we could help sense check his answers for you based on our experience as so far he is giving you a really, really unlikely story.

Thank you - I will ask him all of these tonight.

I know that it was only one dealer the entire time. And I believe he started taking it around July/Aug of last year until perhaps Oct/Nov this year, although I don't know if he's lying about when/if he stopped taking it.

I’ve had friends who were addicts. Some people CAN just stop. Others can’t until they realise the financial impact upon their lives (such as selling a car or remortgaging a house to cover debts to dealers). Others can’t stop no matter what. Some dealers add interest, others don’t. Costs vary from £30-£100 a gram. If he was using daily it quickly adds up. Plus he would become tolerant so he would need more constantly. Insist on being in charge of all money, ask for complete transparency about the money spent. Insist on narcotics anonymous. He may have made the worst mistake of his life. If so he will happily do what it takes to make things work between you.

@InpatientGardener

If you're going to drug test him which whilst a very sad thing to have to do, is virtually the only way you can know for sure, make sure he does them at home. You can get multi drug ones for peace of mind if you suspect at any point he has swapped one addiction for another. I think addicts do recover, if they change the environment they came to take drugs in and address the root cause of their need to take them. So if he's been taking them with friends he needs to cut them out or you'll not be able to trust him when he goes out with them. Its about being fair to you, he needs to do whatever it takes to make you feel secure that its in the past, and if he genuinely is sorry and wants to change then he'll do that, and keep doing it.

I know, I feel so sad even considering testing him but I need to know for sure. He never did them with anyone, he was always by himself. He said he was go to the toilet in work and do it there, or when he was alone in his office. And he was doing it in the very place he said was causing him all the initial stress to begin with, his old workplace.

Did you have no idea he was on drugs?
Agree with PP that something about this just doesn't add up.
How did you not notice that he was taking so much cocaine that he had nose problems?
You say he made one mistake but he must have lied to you and taken drugs many times- not just one mistake.

@AnatomyJane

I’ve had friends who were addicts. Some people CAN just stop. Others can’t until they realise the financial impact upon their lives (such as selling a car or remortgaging a house to cover debts to dealers). Others can’t stop no matter what. Some dealers add interest, others don’t. Costs vary from £30-£100 a gram. If he was using daily it quickly adds up. Plus he would become tolerant so he would need more constantly. Insist on being in charge of all money, ask for complete transparency about the money spent. Insist on narcotics anonymous. He may have made the worst mistake of his life. If so he will happily do what it takes to make things work between you.

Thank you. He offered to give me his other bank account card & credit card, so that he only has access to our joint account and that would just be for putting fuel in his car really. He said he doesn't need access to any other money that doesn't go through me first. He offered all this, I didn't need to ask. And although he was very ashamed, he said I could look through all the transactions on his other bank account so I can see exactly how much was spent and when. It was staggering, but at least he let me see that.

So he takes thousands of pounds worth of cocaine in 6 months and you only notice something strange when you see a bank statement?
Did his behaviour not change during those 6 months?
He took so much cocaine at work only?
Now i dont know if he’s still using now and i’m sure he sounds sorry etc... but i find the first bit of your/his story suspicious!

I’d be asking him way more questions !

Have you asked him to commit to testing when you request it? I imagine his reaction will tell you all you need to know. I'm not sure how long coke would show up on a drugs test for so it might be worth finding that out too.

I would want him to take a drugs test before I considered anything beyond that.

So sorry OP. What a horrible shock.

@Monkeymilkshake

So he takes thousands of pounds worth of cocaine in 6 months and you only notice something strange when you see a bank statement? Did his behaviour not change during those 6 months? He took so much cocaine at work only? Now i dont know if he’s still using now and i’m sure he sounds sorry etc... but i find the first bit of your/his story suspicious!

I’d be asking him way more questions !

I don't get this either! Was he not up late, not eating much, wild eyed sort of look? I could tell straight away if my ex DP had taken something and only used the drug tests if he'd been away somewhere.

@Isthisit22

Did you have no idea he was on drugs? Agree with PP that something about this just doesn't add up. How did you not notice that he was taking so much cocaine that he had nose problems? You say he made one mistake but he must have lied to you and taken drugs many times- not just one mistake.

I honestly didn't know. I said that to him, that I'm a bit disgusted at myself that I didn't realise. But he was out the house for 12+ hours a day at work (which is when he was using). For all I know he might have only been taking it in the morning to get through the day.

By nose problems, I mean it seems like he constantly has a blocked nose. At night time the blood vessels swell up and he gets all chocked up. During the day it's fine. When he blows his nose, it often bleeds. That's what I meant by nose problems. My initial reaction wasn't "You must be taking drugs!" as I had no reason to suspect he was as he'd never used drugs before.

Okay multiple of the same mistake over a significant period of time. But my point was he hasn't made a habit of fucking up. This is the only thing he's ever done to jeopardise our relationship.

I wouldn’t worry too much about if / when he stopped - because what’s not adding up is when he started.

He didn’t start in Aug or Oct last year in the middle of lockdown whilst on furlough and escalate to such a degree and such debt and then have already given up.

That’s not possible.

He has a long term habit likely over many years as you have been unable to detect mood/personality change - he is acclimatised.

@Monkeymilkshake

So he takes thousands of pounds worth of cocaine in 6 months and you only notice something strange when you see a bank statement? Did his behaviour not change during those 6 months? He took so much cocaine at work only? Now i dont know if he’s still using now and i’m sure he sounds sorry etc... but i find the first bit of your/his story suspicious!

I’d be asking him way more questions !

His behaviour had changed as in he became more depressed, emotional, quiet. I honestly didn't suspect drugs, but I've never been around people who take drugs. I don't even think I'd know unless they were bouncing off the walls/hyper. He wasn't.

He told me he only ever took it at work as it helped him focus. He worked at least 12 hours a day, sometimes more. Sometimes for 10+ days in a row.

@Sssloou

I wouldn’t worry too much about if / when he stopped - because what’s not adding up is when he started.

He didn’t start in Aug or Oct last year in the middle of lockdown whilst on furlough and escalate to such a degree and such debt and then have already given up.

That’s not possible.

He has a long term habit likely over many years as you have been unable to detect mood/personality change - he is acclimatised.

If he's been taking it for many years then god knows what he was paying with. We've had joint finances for 4 years - there's never been anything suspicious with finances until now.

And I believe he started taking it around July/Aug of last year until perhaps Oct/Nov this year, although I don't know if he's lying about when/if he stopped taking it.

Do you mean july / Aug to oct / Nov of the same year? So five months max?

Please do ask him those questions and come back here to sense check them if you want to. Something isn't right here.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

And I believe he started taking it around July/Aug of last year until perhaps Oct/Nov this year, although I don't know if he's lying about when/if he stopped taking it.

Do you mean july / Aug to oct / Nov of the same year? So five months max?

Please do ask him those questions and come back here to sense check them if you want to. Something isn't right here.

Yes, same year. He said it all got very serious in October and that's when he realised he owed a ton of money and he's got himself into a right mess. He said it started off with just a bit but quickly spiralled into a habit and he was sometimes using every day. Once he realised how serious it got, he apparently quit.

I find it highly unlikely that drug dealers give credit OP.

I would insist that he told me everything in detail, that he takes regular drug tests for the next year and that he has counselling.

I'd also insist on couples counselling as this is a huge breach of trust.

A dealer wouldn't let a new customer rack up debt that quickly, no way. They might if it was a long term customer who always came good in the end but not a new one. Because for all they know, they could just disappear and not pay. And how to dealers stop that happening? By 1. requiring payment on pickup, 2. Not letting new customers accrue debt with them or 3. Threatening them if they don't pay. He's not being honest with you about this stuff.

You say there's never been any issues before but this has totally blindsided you so if someone told you this had happened but you hadn't seen it yourself, you wouldn't have believed him capable of it would you?

You also need to ask him straight if he was driving during that period. Or you might know if he was? Did he ever drive while under the influence? I cannot bear the selfishness of people who do that. Either alone (endangering them and everyone who crosses their path) or god forbid their partner / child. Could he have?

The problem here is (and rightly so) you have absolutely no idea of how drugs work or the way things go- so he could say absolutely anything and you would believe him, because you don’t know to question that as you have no idea how it works.

P.s. if you do drug test him regularly, tell him you want to see him peeing in the cup, absolutely no excuses, otherwise no point him taking it- you would be amazed at how creative a drug user will be!!

This just doesn't ring true for me, nothing against the OP but there's no way you go from being innocent of drugs and 'street life' to suddenly being thousands in debt to a "dealer".

I used to work in this field and this sounds like an anti-drugs video from the 80's. Happy to be proved wrong but I wouldn't believe a word out of this man's mouth.

You sound so desperate to believe him. I would be extremely worried about having a drug user in my home, let alone a dealer, from the point of view of my DC being taken into care. Testing is expensive and addicts find innovative ways to get round it, e.g. using samples from the DC. I would not want to be seen to defend his drug use or be complicit in it.