Don't know how to cope with DP revelation

[daisydays90]

I've name changed for this.

Last night I was putting washing away when I came across a bank statement stuffed into my DP's drawer. I was shocked to see it was in a substantial overdraft as he'd told me he was using this account to put money away so he could plan a surprise for me and DS. (We share all other finances, so or I thought...)

I did a little digging and came across another more recent bank statement, showing very large sums being paid out to certain individuals. It also showed that he'd lied about how much money his dad lent us a few months ago when he lost his job due to the pandemic.

When he got home from work (he has a new job, luckily he was only out of work for about 6 weeks), I confronted him straight away. He admitted that last year he started using cocaine. He was incredibly stressed - I knew this and had talked him into going to a psychotherapist but he only went once and although he said it was a positive experience, he didn't go back despite me constantly asking him to. He said he just did it to try and help him focus at work and take the stress off, but it quickly became a problem both in terms of addiction and financial. He said he realised he was digging a huge hole that he'd struggle to get out of if in continued, so he stopped. He told me he hasn't used at all since last year but has spent that time worrying and trying to pay it back and also feeling immensely guilty for keeping this from me. He'd never done anything like this before.

He was so, so apologetic, upset, ashamed and embarrassed. He promised this is the only thing he's ever kept from me and although he knew he should have told me, he was worried I would leave him and he couldn't bear to lose me and his family.

We've been together over 6 years now. We are engaged to be married next year, already have a young child and have another on the way. Although I knew we were dealing with him feeling really out of sorts and stressed, which he said was pretty much completely down to his old job and then lockdown/both of us being on furlough, I thought everything was otherwise pretty perfect.

I love him with everything I have. He is an amazing partner, provides for us, works extremely hard and has always been a complete support to us. Loving, committed, honestly everything I ever wanted in a partner.

This has completely shook me up and I'm struggling so much with how to feel. There's no denying I still want to be with him. I told him I love him and although I'm incredibly disappointed, I'm not just going to end our relationship because things are difficult just now. We will work through it. I'm just worried because in the back of my head I'm wondering, "What if it happens again?"

He told me if he ever felt the urge to use again, he would instantly tell me and we would work together to get him help. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that right now some trust is gone.

It's made more difficult as I'm in the early stage of pregnancy and my hormones are already all over the place - but I feel somewhat numb about all of this. Detached from reality as if it's not really happening.

How do I move forward?

[Surroundedbytime]

As his story is still not adding up, could there be something else going on?

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@daisydays90

Thank you for your honesty and advice *@Badgerlock42*

I’ve had a long hard think this morning, and I’ve had to try stop myself from crying in work numerous times. Need to pull myself together.

When we get home tonight I’m going to tell DP that we’re going on a break. I am not leaving him, I will still be there to support him and he will be allowed to see our children - but you guys are right. He needs to fully understand the gravity of what he has done and I think in my shock and confusion I’ve came across too forgiving, when the truth is it’s tearing me apart and I won’t be able to move on from it unless I know he is completely clean.

I don’t want it to be the end of us or our family, but I think I need to make these steps to protect my child and myself.

I’ve messaged my best friend asking her to meet me after work. I’m going to tell her everything, so I have some support. Then I’ll most likely go and stay with my parents tonight and tell them. They will be so heartbroken, they love him like a son. But everyone needs to know so he can be held accountable and it isn’t just being bearing this burden.

I feel destroyed.

I think this is a really sensible and strong course of action OP, especially as telling someone else means you aren't being forced to be both his secret keeper and support. You need support too. If he's truly sorry and determined to fix things he will respect that you want space for now. I think that's a perfect approach for you to take for now while you get a clear head, do a bit more thinking and have support from your friends / family. Thinking of you

[Badgerlock42]

I realise I sound very naive about it all. I am. This is incredibly new to me and my whole world has been completely turned upside down. I love this man with everything I have and I have always said that no matter what life throws at us, we will work through it together. He might still be lying to me - more fool me if that’s the case. He knows if I ever found out he’s used again then me and the children will be gone. But we have to at least try - I’m not going to kick him to the kerb because he turned to drugs when he was going through a very difficult period in his life. He is a human being and has made some disastrous decisions, but I love him enough to try and ensure he has the help and support he needs to get better and hopefully never find himself in this place again.

Hey - none of this is your fault, & "being naive" isn't a crime.
Besides, you are not coming over as naive - far from it, you sound smart, & are obviously getting clued up about how to manage a situation which has come as a huge shock & from which you are quite naturally still reeling.

If DP puts in the work, if he commits to the appropriate support, you guys could come out of this even stronger.
But ... keep your guard up.
The work that needs to be done to get past this belongs to DP, not you.
Sure, he can hand over control to all finances etc ... but you won't want to be feeling like his nursemaid forever.

Also - as clever PP have stated upthread - don't be the sole secret-holder. It's too much to ask of you. At some point, he must come clean to his dad & family. Up to you both how this is presented (you might want to opt for "had a stressful few months & acted stupidly, but now have XYZ in place to avoid lapsing" approach) - but please make sure that it's not you, & you alone, who is carrying the additional load of worry & responsibility.
Get educated through some of the services PP have recommended for family members of addicts.
Don't marry him until this episode is far, far behind you both, & DP feels confident in handling money again.

Your loyalty & concern is touching, you sound like a marvellous wife & are clearly taking on board some of the tough love that's been handed out here (me included - there are points where it seems pretty certain that DH has not told the full tale yet).

I hope DH comes good for you, & you eventually get to the wedding & marriage you deserve, with a reformed & strengthened DH.

[Badgerlock42]

I’ve had a long hard think this morning, and I’ve had to try stop myself from crying in work numerous times. Need to pull myself together.

Hardly surprising - I, a total stranger, am welling up for you too.
Make sure you can get some time at home to allow yourself a good long weep, & as much self-care as motherhood allows :)

When we get home tonight I’m going to tell DP that we’re going on a break. I am not leaving him, I will still be there to support him and he will be allowed to see our children - but you guys are right. He needs to fully understand the gravity of what he has done and I think in my shock and confusion I’ve came across too forgiving, when the truth is it’s tearing me apart and I won’t be able to move on from it unless I know he is completely clean.

Good. Well done. You see - you already ARE "pulled together" (it just doesn't, & won't, feel like it for a while ...)

I am so glad you have your chum with you tonight for moral & emotional support, & telling your family is wise. Losing the secrecy helps DP with accountability, & you in not having to bear the full burden.

[Badgerlock42]

You sound very weak willed OP. sad No wonder this man is walking all over you. You also sound very young, it's hard to believe a grown woman would be this naive and foolish.

you're not astute enough

Excellent victim-blaming @DateXY - 5 points to Slytherin, congratulations!

Of course, a person being lied to, & not being au fait with the drug scene, definitely means that they are weak & stupid. As soon as they find out, if they don't immediately display a forensic knowledge of the cocaine market & develop the detecting skills of Hercule Poirot, they are ripe for a kicking. If you can get those kicks in while they are still reeling with shock & upset, so much the better. Serve them right for being in love with their DP, huh?

[MinnieJackson]

[Ihatesalad]

Please get to the bottom of this OP— you haven’t said what sort of amount this is —. It’s certainly not usual for it to be more than 3 figures unless receiving and dealing (so I have been told by a police friend)this sounds a lot more than that

[UseOfWeapons]

I’ve read your latest update, OP, and I’m glad that you’re seeking support, and putting some distance between you and your OH.

I’d say he needs to fully engage with a drug rehabilitation programme, and NA, as a starting point. Stay focused on your children, the child to come, and yourself. You may well love him, and it may well be tearing you to bits, but allow the professionals to take care of your OH. If he’s having your kids alone without you, I’d want a drug test before he takes them, although I’d not trust him with something so precious alone until he’s clean. After all, he’s driven whilst taking cocaine, as an addict he’ll think he’s fine, but if he’d killed a child, perhaps you’d be more cautious and less trusting around him.

It’s obvious you love him. But, tbh, you can get over that if you have to. Your children, your safety, emotional, financial and physical well-being are what’s important. He hasn’t thought about any of that in a long time, and will be selfishly doing whatever he can to preserve the status quo until he’s clean.
Well done for taking positive action to look after yourself and your family.💐

[QueenPaw]

Slightly different but I went from never touching any drugs (I mean nothing) to using coke on nights out for several years
I haven't NC as I'm not ashamed of it, it happened and it's done with
Stopped using it, by myself, no NA/GP help etc and haven't touched it since

[XiCi]

Slightly different but I went from never touching any drugs (I mean nothing) to using coke on nights out for several years
I think that's pretty normal. Totally different to the OPs situation though. Unless you blasted through 7k worth in the first few months and were off your face all day in work?

Glad you are getting some support from friends and family OP

[FlowDownStream]

OP I have just read your update. I have never commented on a forum before but feel compelled to write to say how very proud you should be of yourself making that decision. I am 5 years out of a relationship with an addict, together 20 years married 13, one DC. I loved that man so very much and stayed in the relationship listening, believing and buying into everything he said, many of the first things he said to me when I found out are exactly what your DP has said to you over the last few days. Wanting more than anything to help him in 'his hour of need' I believed him and it is not over stating that doing so nearly killed me. My mental health, physical health, financial security were totally devastated before I saw the light. I suffered but worse of all my child suffered. There is no helping - they can only help themselves and only if they want to. The fact that he only admitted using when he was exposed I would say means he is highly likely to be still using and I am so sorry to say probably nowhere even near truly wanting to stay clean and sober. This is a hard lesson I learnt.
Education is the key, I only saw the light when I educated myself about addiction. This was hard too because at first I was discussing what I was learning with him and he somehow managed to make me believe what I was reading was not true. It sounds ridiculous now to say that. Addiction and abuse are often bedfellows and I was exactly where he needed me to be to give him all he needed to continue using. Look at sites like www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/
it is the same story over and over again, almost word for word in many cases.
www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/ is about alcohol but the patterns of addicts are all the same and the board is more active.
The lies are the worse, they send you crazy and they know that and play on that. I felt at the very first reading of your post that the best course of action would be for you to separate, let him sort himself out and then reassess a year or two down the line. If he is all you think he is then it will work out and if he is not you and your child will not be damaged further.
A few words of warning
don't get into monitoring his money, spending
don't get into monitoring his drug use with testing
both of these lead to physical violence in my case and they lie to get around both so it is definitely a lose lose. Have nothing to do with his recovery. You can still support and encourage him from a distance but do not become his keeper he is a growth man.
Five years down the line me and my DC are doing well, but I can't honestly say either of us have fully recovered yet. I am that child's mother and I will always carry guilt for not removing us from that situation as soon as I knew he had problem. Your decision this evening will ensure your child(s) do not suffer more and from one mother to another stay strong and implement that decision it is probably the best decision you will ever make for you and your children.
PS exDH is still not clean and sober, now does not even admit that he has a problem, his detox in hospital, conviction for driving under the influence were all me playing the system to make him out as an addict. The levels of crazy escalate suddenly and in frightening ways

[AgentJohnson]

I know you’re desperate to believe him but there’s so much of his story that just doesn’t add up. Be smart about this, fool me once and all that. Firstly, the money that went to pay the dealer is a debt that he alone should be paying off. Secondly, don’t keep his secrets, insist he tells his dad and be there when he does. Lastly, get in the habit of requesting his and your credit reports.

You know what he wants you know and that’s not the same as knowing everything. There’s one absolute certainty that comes from this mess, your DP is a very good liar.

[worriedatthemoment]

I would get professional advice and help for dh and for you to help decide as wel if you want to , as on here people are saying so many different things and some who probably only get their ideas about dealers etc from tv and have no idea how it works it real life and how they won't all be the same and neither will all addicts
So best to seek professional help who will have a better understanding and may help you both get through this .
Good luck OP

[VenusTiger]

@daisydays90

But what if he wasn’t “high as a kite”, just taking enough to get through. He says it helped him focus on his work and be more productive.

His work isn’t office based. I said he has an office, but he doesn’t spend the majority of his time there. It is a hands on, physical job with very long hours. Trust me, he wasn’t finishing work until night time. I know this for a fact - I am friends with some of his colleagues. If it wears off after 20-30mins, then I can see how he would take it at the start of a 12 hour shift, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day and be “normal” by the time he got home at night. He said he would have full conversations with people and no one ever suspected anything. He was still functioning like a completely normal person, he said the only difference was it helped him focus on his work and he could do more in a day while on it. Trust me, he wasn’t using it to party.

That's even worse then - he has a physical job?!!!! Oh dear lord! Do you realise how he's been putting his safety and the safety of his co-workers at risk by being high during work?!
He's a bricky isn't he or a builder - it's common in construction but I'm surprised he hasn't been random-tested - unless he has and he and his 'mates' have worked out a system (pee in a bottle before you do a line) - it's darker than you may think OP.

[MrsRockAndRoll]

How are you this evening?

[Capricornandproud]

That wedding would be OFF. And I’d be getting my ducks in a row. I’d also be doing online credit checks (instant access) to get the real picture. I wouldn’t take one more word from him as the full picture or disclosure. He’s happily lied to you for this long and change has been forced by your discovery. Don’t kid yourself lovely (hugs)

[Haveyoubrushedyourteeth]

@badgerlock42 I just wanted to say that your comments have been some of the most calming, sensible and reassuring things ive ever read on here. You sound like a genuinely lovely person and I'm certain that your wise words will have helped the OP an awful lot.

[FuckYouCorona]

So sorry to hear this OP. I am the product of addicted parents & also almost 500 days sober myself. Dad was the worst, Mum was more an enabler until later in life, but just as guilty because she failed to protect us & put their relationship first. On many occasions, she walked out & took us to a friends house, but she ALWAYS went back to him! As an adult I wonder why nobody told social services about what was going on so we could be protected, but they never did.

I urge you to protect your DC & LTB. He will never put you & your DC first, all the while you enable him. You said up the thread that you'd stay at your parents house. Why should you & DC have to leave when you've done nothing wrong? HE needs to leave & prove to you that he is serious about getting & staying clean before you consider letting him back in your life. I still think you don't realise the seriousness of the situation & the reality of being with an addict. If you didn't have DC, I'd say fine, knock yourself out if this is the life you want, but once DC are in the mix their needs should come first.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

One thing that bothers me, as a parent of a young man myself, is the way your husband has lied to his father. It's one thing to go to his father, admit he been using and has got into drug debt or that he needs money to feed a habit, and ask his father for help. It's a whole other thing to ask for money from his father and lie about what it is for. In his own head your husband may have framed it as harmless because he intends to pay the money back, but it is still a shameful way to treat his father. It is another way in which he has become deeply dishonest and untrustworthy. It's probably not your priority but it means he has lied to other people and for more reasons than the sob story he told you about trying not to lose his wife and children. He has also lied to protect himself and get what he wants.

And so long as he keeps this secret from his father, it leaves him open to asking his father for more money, lying to his father again about what he wants the money for and coming up with some reasons why his father should not tell you about it. Like that "surprise" he was saving for you and the children.

And it makes me question the value of "getting help" for him. I don't know how well psychological help can work for someone who is not ready to be honest.

So I am glad you are taking some time out to think about this, with people who care about you that you can talk to.

[caringcarer]

Postpone the wedding until he has cleared the debt. Tell him you love him but have to be able to trust him with finances too

[Badgerlock42]

@Haveyoubrushedyourteeth

Thank you my dear, I am an old Badger, & have been around many blocks.

If OP gets any relief from my words, or anyone else's here, job done.

[Badgerlock42]

*And so long as he keeps this secret from his father, it leaves him open to asking his father for more money, lying to his father again about what he wants the money for and coming up with some reasons why his father should not tell you about it. Like that "surprise" he was saving for you and the children.(

Completely this, as well as the extra burden of complicity on OP.

[daisydays90]

Thanks everyone. I’m doing okay tonight.

I’ve told my best friend and my parents. DP has gone to his mum’s to tell her as well and stay there for the time being.

I’ve told him we need a break for now and he needs professional help which I want him to sort and arrange. He has said he will do whatever it takes - so we will see.

Baby steps.

I’m going to leave this thread now, as I just need to focus on myself, DC and unborn child. I need to stay calm and focused. I know what I need to do, DP does too. Time will tell if he has listened and is willing to do what is required.

I might pop back in 6-12 months time and let you all know how things have ended up. Hoping so much it’s a happy ending for us, but we shall see.

I do believe so much in the power of love - including tough love, which is what I’m giving my DP now. I’ve not wavered about him being my world and I will fight for my family and not give up on him. But most importantly I will fight for my DCs well being and their welfare and happiness and therefore nothing will continue until I know DP is actively getting help and things are improving.

Thank you for all your advice, it has been very helpful and insightful.

[Badgerlock42]

I do believe so much in the power of love - including tough love, which is what I’m giving my DP now. I’ve not wavered about him being my world and I will fight for my family and not give up on him. But most importantly I will fight for my DCs well being and their welfare and happiness and therefore nothing will continue until I know DP is actively getting help and things are improving.

Good on ya, daisydays.
I am so glad that right now, you have at least lost the burden & smokescreen of secrecy. Well done, & look after yourself xx