Don't know how to cope with DP revelation

[daisydays90]

I've name changed for this.

Last night I was putting washing away when I came across a bank statement stuffed into my DP's drawer. I was shocked to see it was in a substantial overdraft as he'd told me he was using this account to put money away so he could plan a surprise for me and DS. (We share all other finances, so or I thought...)

I did a little digging and came across another more recent bank statement, showing very large sums being paid out to certain individuals. It also showed that he'd lied about how much money his dad lent us a few months ago when he lost his job due to the pandemic.

When he got home from work (he has a new job, luckily he was only out of work for about 6 weeks), I confronted him straight away. He admitted that last year he started using cocaine. He was incredibly stressed - I knew this and had talked him into going to a psychotherapist but he only went once and although he said it was a positive experience, he didn't go back despite me constantly asking him to. He said he just did it to try and help him focus at work and take the stress off, but it quickly became a problem both in terms of addiction and financial. He said he realised he was digging a huge hole that he'd struggle to get out of if in continued, so he stopped. He told me he hasn't used at all since last year but has spent that time worrying and trying to pay it back and also feeling immensely guilty for keeping this from me. He'd never done anything like this before.

He was so, so apologetic, upset, ashamed and embarrassed. He promised this is the only thing he's ever kept from me and although he knew he should have told me, he was worried I would leave him and he couldn't bear to lose me and his family.

We've been together over 6 years now. We are engaged to be married next year, already have a young child and have another on the way. Although I knew we were dealing with him feeling really out of sorts and stressed, which he said was pretty much completely down to his old job and then lockdown/both of us being on furlough, I thought everything was otherwise pretty perfect.

I love him with everything I have. He is an amazing partner, provides for us, works extremely hard and has always been a complete support to us. Loving, committed, honestly everything I ever wanted in a partner.

This has completely shook me up and I'm struggling so much with how to feel. There's no denying I still want to be with him. I told him I love him and although I'm incredibly disappointed, I'm not just going to end our relationship because things are difficult just now. We will work through it. I'm just worried because in the back of my head I'm wondering, "What if it happens again?"

He told me if he ever felt the urge to use again, he would instantly tell me and we would work together to get him help. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that right now some trust is gone.

It's made more difficult as I'm in the early stage of pregnancy and my hormones are already all over the place - but I feel somewhat numb about all of this. Detached from reality as if it's not really happening.

How do I move forward?

[daisydays90]

@HappyHedgehog247 Yes, that's true. He said he couldn't face the possibility of losing me and he thought I'd leave if he told me. He knows it was wrong but he said it was easier to face the guilt of never telling me rather than losing me. Incredibly selfish of him, we both know. Well it's both of us. His DF said to pay him back monthly, so we discussed a suitable amount but I said I wanted to make it higher so it's paid back faster and he agreed. During the pandemic he was mostly home and on furlough, but went back during the summer until around Christmas time - and that's basically when he says it started. He had a ton of anxiety and stress about returning to work and said the drugs helped him focus and get more done. I check both of our credit reports regularly. I do think we might need to tell his family, I will discuss this with him tonight.

[cakecakecheese]

Imagine if you hadn't found the statement, how long would he have kept this from you?

There definitely needs to be some work if he stays, professional help and councelling. You will need help to move on from this as it's a massive betrayal.

[IsThePopeCatholic]

Op, I think you should give your DP the chance to stay clean. Plenty of addicts recover. He needs to learn some coping strategies in times of stress. Addiction is an illness which can be overcome. He sounds like a decent man who needs help. Good luck, op.

[OrchestraOfWankery]

@BellaTheDog

I know a little bit about this, and it is extremely unlikely that he would have taken enough Cocaine to cause withdrawal symptoms.

OP says he had nose problems though.

What's your take on the large instalments of cash by bank transfer?

[Wolfiefan]

He has only admitted as much as he has because you caught him out.
I would be trying to separate financials and not marrying for now.
Paying drug dealers by bank transfer?? Weird.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@Babdoc

That’s a very unusual and accommodating drug dealer, OP! I never imagined they offered drugs on a “buy now pay later” basis, and just politely requested partial payments at random intervals.
Is your DP lying through his teeth, or has he actually found the only non threatening, kindly, family friendly, neighbourhood dealer that is the exception to the rule?!

Please listen to those of us flagging this up OP. I really don't think he's telling you everything at all and he needs to know that you staying with him after this is based on him telling you the whole truth now so you have information to make an informed decision.

[daisydays90]

@Nancydrawn Yes I work, however switched to part time hours after having our DS. Currently I do have to rely on him financially - but if the shit really hit the fan, I could leave and with my family's support which I know I would have, me and the children would be fine eventually.

@dopeyduck Thank you. That's honestly how I felt - that he majorly fucked up but it was completely out of character for him. There's genuinely never been anything like this before. He realised he was in too deep and did something to change it and get out. I can't help but believe him, but I'm also just so hurt and confused too.

[OrchestraOfWankery]

Plenty of addicts recover

Not really plenty - and only with professional help and meds.

[Nancylovesthecock]

I also don't think your getting the truth OP. Cocaine is expensive but he would have had to snort A LOT to rack up massive debt in a year.

www.drugwise.org.uk/how-much-do-drugs-cost/

[Surroundedbytime]

Do you know these ‘individuals’ he was transferring money to? How many were there? It does sound very odd. What’s his reason for using a bank transfer and not cash?

[daisydays90]

@IsThePopeCatholic

Op, I think you should give your DP the chance to stay clean. Plenty of addicts recover. He needs to learn some coping strategies in times of stress. Addiction is an illness which can be overcome. He sounds like a decent man who needs help. Good luck, op.

Thank you. He really is a decent man, but he has made a huge mistake and he knows this. I want to help him any way I can because I love him and we have built a life together. I don't just want to throw him to the dogs because he was going through a super hard time and made some really poor choices.

[Wegobshite]

So the dealer makes you sick because he has a kid
But your DP who has lied and lied to you for the past year doesn’t make you sick as well I really hope he does make you feel sick .
Large amounts - how much hundreds or thousands
In my experience most dealers won’t let customers have thousands of pounds worth of drugs on tick because - well they are addicts and not reliable and no dealer wants to bring attention to themselves by having to beat the shit out of someone who not paid .
So in my opinion if it’s thousands then he’s been dealing - possibly hoping to make enough to pay off any debts
But ultimately he’s lied to you and he’s a skilled liar at that
He’s a coke head & liar
Drugs and lying go together like bread and butter .
The only thing you have to decide is if you want to spend your life with a Coke head .

[daisydays90]

@Surroundedbytime

Do you know these ‘individuals’ he was transferring money to? How many were there? It does sound very odd. What’s his reason for using a bank transfer and not cash?

I don't know them personally, but know people that know them. On the outside the dealer looks like a professional, respectable family man. It was just the one dealer and occasionally his partner that he sent money to. He sometimes paid by bank transfer and other times he paid cash.

[Magnificentmug12]

I have to leave this thread as it’s pushing me through the damn roof with anxiety.
I’m scared for you op- not because your in danger physically, but there is something you don’t know. I am TELLING YOU, that’s not how it works and your oh is LYING to you. Don’t accept tears, don’t accept “I swear on anyone’s life” don’t accept anything other than the truth and that you know there’s more than what his telling you.

Without knowing the full picture of what is going on here, your vulnerable- forget being mad- even forget about splitting up- this is about both you being on the same page with regards to all information so you can be assured that without doubt your family is safe.

I’m so so sorry someone has dragged you into this, especially someone you love, it’s unjust and cruel and no one deserves that. I really really wish you and your partner all the best and I hope you both come out of this ok. I hope what you find out, if your oh tells you the truth, has no harmful effect on you, you’ve done nothing wrong, your innocent in all this.

[Unsuremover]

I was going to ask what you meant by large sums. I know my drug using friends pay by transfer, some dealers even have a card machine but I do know you can’t rack up that much debt with them.

So does it correlate with the cost of drugs in the link posted above? Also what did you think was happening this whole time? If you had no idea anything was wrong he is excellent at lying to you.

[bluejelly]

I can't imagine a dealer ever accepting a bank transfer, sorry. I don't think it adds to.
to you OP

[Tempusfudgeit]

If he suddenly gets a really short hair cut out of the blue, he's lying to you.

[dopeyduck]

@daisydays90 look honestly if anyone here tells you they’ve never fucked up they’re a bloody liar. You’ve got kids together, you have to ride out the rough parts.
I think you need to be pragmatic and honest with him about what the main issues are 1) he lied, that can’t happen again 2) he did something that harmed him, you, the family and others around him and he needs to repair that, but I think he needs to hear that it can be repaired 3) that your love and support comes at the understanding that if it happens again, he’ll be out on his arse without a moments notice, because once is a mistake but twice is not.

You need to get a bit savvy and make sure you know what signs to look out for and also enter into an open discussion with him about how he’s doing and check in with him.

It’s really shitty this has happened to you, and him, but life is shit sometimes.

I went to hell & back with my MH after DS was born, I said and did some horrible things, DP didn’t sign up for that but I’m glad he didn’t leave me because I needed him more than ever. Yes your partner has dealt with this in a stupid way but I think if he really is committed to making things work you can get things back on track.

I guess you’re going to find out if he’s the one or not.

Be kind to yourself. Take self care. It’s okay to let him know you’re hurt. Be honest with him.

I hope things work out for the best.

[daisydays90]

@Wegobshite

So the dealer makes you sick because he has a kid
But your DP who has lied and lied to you for the past year doesn’t make you sick as well I really hope he does make you feel sick .
Large amounts - how much hundreds or thousands
In my experience most dealers won’t let customers have thousands of pounds worth of drugs on tick because - well they are addicts and not reliable and no dealer wants to bring attention to themselves by having to beat the shit out of someone who not paid .
So in my opinion if it’s thousands then he’s been dealing - possibly hoping to make enough to pay off any debts
But ultimately he’s lied to you and he’s a skilled liar at that
He’s a coke head & liar
Drugs and lying go together like bread and butter .
The only thing you have to decide is if you want to spend your life with a Coke head .

Of course it makes me sick! I haven't stopped feeling sick since finding out.

It was thousands of pounds. I'll need to talk to him further about this clearly, as I don't know why the amounts were so high.

Previous to this he had no debts, so I don't think he'd feel the need to deal drugs in order to get money to pay off debts. He has a good job with a high salary, he doesn't need to deal drugs.

I want to spend the rest of my life with the man I fell in love with, who up until about 9 month ago, had never been anywhere near coke or any other drug. He fucked up and he knows this.

I think I'll buy drug tests and make him take these regularly. He promises he hasn't used at all since last year, that he did quit. I don't know, maybe he is lying to me about that.

[Wegobshite]

Oh and Coke heads and other addicts are very very good at deflecting the reasons they did what they did on to anything and anyone but themselves
You will absolutely tie yourselves in knots trying to help him
You will be walking on eggshells trying not to stress him out in case he
“ relapse “
Your already questioning yourself and making excuses for him - stress work Covid blah blah
And all this when you should be enjoying your pregnancy

[OrchestraOfWankery]

[quote Nancylovesthecock]I also don't think your getting the truth OP. Cocaine is expensive but he would have had to snort A LOT to rack up massive debt in a year.

www.drugwise.org.uk/how-much-do-drugs-cost/[/quote]
Yes OP please look at the actual cost of the coke here.

[daisydays90]

@Magnificentmug12

I have to leave this thread as it’s pushing me through the damn roof with anxiety.
I’m scared for you op- not because your in danger physically, but there is something you don’t know. I am TELLING YOU, that’s not how it works and your oh is LYING to you. Don’t accept tears, don’t accept “I swear on anyone’s life” don’t accept anything other than the truth and that you know there’s more than what his telling you.

Without knowing the full picture of what is going on here, your vulnerable- forget being mad- even forget about splitting up- this is about both you being on the same page with regards to all information so you can be assured that without doubt your family is safe.

I’m so so sorry someone has dragged you into this, especially someone you love, it’s unjust and cruel and no one deserves that. I really really wish you and your partner all the best and I hope you both come out of this ok. I hope what you find out, if your oh tells you the truth, has no harmful effect on you, you’ve done nothing wrong, your innocent in all this.

Okay - I will speak to him again tonight and see what he has to say and how he explains paying by bank transfer and racking up such a large amount of debt. He did say some days he was using every day. Perhaps he was buying it every day so the money racked up? I honestly don't know. I just need to speak to him more and try get to bottom of it. Thank you.

[Wegobshite]

Sorry if I’m being hard OP but I’ve seen this shit so many times with friends .
Honestly you want to spend the rest if your life with someone that you have to test for drugs .Why the fuck would you do that to yourself
You would have to test him 2 -3 times a week to be hundred percent sure

That’s not a life that’s pure torture for you

It’s like when people have to constantly check their partners phone because they have cheated

[daisydays90]

@Wegobshite

Oh and Coke heads and other addicts are very very good at deflecting the reasons they did what they did on to anything and anyone but themselves
You will absolutely tie yourselves in knots trying to help him
You will be walking on eggshells trying not to stress him out in case he
“ relapse “
Your already questioning yourself and making excuses for him - stress work Covid blah blah
And all this when you should be enjoying your pregnancy

He isn't deflecting. He's just saying he completely fucked up and he knows it was all his fault. He was incredibly stressed and I was worried he was depressed for a while. He said he started taking the coke to help him get through work. It does sort of make sense - but the amounts don't so I'm going to need to keep talking to him about this.

I'm not questioning myself or making excuses. He fucked up - but he's a human being not a robot. We all make mistakes.

If he makes one again he'll be out the door.

[daisydays90]

[quote dopeyduck]@daisydays90 look honestly if anyone here tells you they’ve never fucked up they’re a bloody liar. You’ve got kids together, you have to ride out the rough parts.
I think you need to be pragmatic and honest with him about what the main issues are 1) he lied, that can’t happen again 2) he did something that harmed him, you, the family and others around him and he needs to repair that, but I think he needs to hear that it can be repaired 3) that your love and support comes at the understanding that if it happens again, he’ll be out on his arse without a moments notice, because once is a mistake but twice is not.

You need to get a bit savvy and make sure you know what signs to look out for and also enter into an open discussion with him about how he’s doing and check in with him.

It’s really shitty this has happened to you, and him, but life is shit sometimes.

I went to hell & back with my MH after DS was born, I said and did some horrible things, DP didn’t sign up for that but I’m glad he didn’t leave me because I needed him more than ever. Yes your partner has dealt with this in a stupid way but I think if he really is committed to making things work you can get things back on track.

I guess you’re going to find out if he’s the one or not.

Be kind to yourself. Take self care. It’s okay to let him know you’re hurt. Be honest with him.

I hope things work out for the best.[/quote]
Thank you so much. He is the love of my life, I don't want to leave him or for our family to be broken apart. I've told him I love him and I'll be here for him but that this never, ever happens again or it'll be the end and he knows it.

I think I need to have another sit down with him tonight and have another very serious chat, so I know exactly what has happened. I really know nothing about drugs so I feel like I'm coming into this completely blind and it's so confusing.