Don't know how to cope with DP revelation

[daisydays90]

I've name changed for this.

Last night I was putting washing away when I came across a bank statement stuffed into my DP's drawer. I was shocked to see it was in a substantial overdraft as he'd told me he was using this account to put money away so he could plan a surprise for me and DS. (We share all other finances, so or I thought...)

I did a little digging and came across another more recent bank statement, showing very large sums being paid out to certain individuals. It also showed that he'd lied about how much money his dad lent us a few months ago when he lost his job due to the pandemic.

When he got home from work (he has a new job, luckily he was only out of work for about 6 weeks), I confronted him straight away. He admitted that last year he started using cocaine. He was incredibly stressed - I knew this and had talked him into going to a psychotherapist but he only went once and although he said it was a positive experience, he didn't go back despite me constantly asking him to. He said he just did it to try and help him focus at work and take the stress off, but it quickly became a problem both in terms of addiction and financial. He said he realised he was digging a huge hole that he'd struggle to get out of if in continued, so he stopped. He told me he hasn't used at all since last year but has spent that time worrying and trying to pay it back and also feeling immensely guilty for keeping this from me. He'd never done anything like this before.

He was so, so apologetic, upset, ashamed and embarrassed. He promised this is the only thing he's ever kept from me and although he knew he should have told me, he was worried I would leave him and he couldn't bear to lose me and his family.

We've been together over 6 years now. We are engaged to be married next year, already have a young child and have another on the way. Although I knew we were dealing with him feeling really out of sorts and stressed, which he said was pretty much completely down to his old job and then lockdown/both of us being on furlough, I thought everything was otherwise pretty perfect.

I love him with everything I have. He is an amazing partner, provides for us, works extremely hard and has always been a complete support to us. Loving, committed, honestly everything I ever wanted in a partner.

This has completely shook me up and I'm struggling so much with how to feel. There's no denying I still want to be with him. I told him I love him and although I'm incredibly disappointed, I'm not just going to end our relationship because things are difficult just now. We will work through it. I'm just worried because in the back of my head I'm wondering, "What if it happens again?"

He told me if he ever felt the urge to use again, he would instantly tell me and we would work together to get him help. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that right now some trust is gone.

It's made more difficult as I'm in the early stage of pregnancy and my hormones are already all over the place - but I feel somewhat numb about all of this. Detached from reality as if it's not really happening.

How do I move forward?

[Kitfish]

Hate to destroy everyone's prejudices but as an (ex) long-time cocaine user I can tell you it's not as hard to quit as people are making out - certainly easier than alcohol. I stopped completely about a year ago - not hard - just couldn't be arsed to make the trip to my dealer to get more in a pandemic. Probably never bother to use it again. If he's been using it for only a few months - not years - his addiction isn't likely to be that entrenched. If he's genuinely stopped then you're probably fine. And by the way AA and Al Anon are not based on science - but religion - they may help less than you think. Good luck to you.

[Gymsmile21]

Maybe you should go over it again.

So july/ august it all started- new account open with no money in it, but overdraft was taken out and paid to the dealer. This happened until September/October of the same year.

May 2021 debt still not paid but he has taken no drugs since October. So a 6 month gap between taking the drugs and paying for them?

Is that right?

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

Did he drive during that time period july - november OP? You need to ask him that too.

[Aquamarine1029]

Tell him you want a drug test RIGHT NOW. Not the day after tomorrow or next week. Right fucking now. His reaction will tell you a lot.

Sorry, op, but I think you are making this all too easy for him.

[daisydays90]

@Gymsmile21

Maybe you should go over it again.

So july/ august it all started- new account open with no money in it, but overdraft was taken out and paid to the dealer. This happened until September/October of the same year.

May 2021 debt still not paid but he has taken no drugs since October. So a 6 month gap between taking the drugs and paying for them?

Is that right?

Sorry, I should have been clearer. He said it started around July/Aug. At that time he withdrew money from our joint account. I remember asking him about the withdrawals at the time and he just said he was withdrawing cash to watch his spending. I didn't think too much of it because it wasn't huge amounts, it was anywhere between £40 and £200 at that time.

He opened his new account in October when he really owed his dealer money. He used the overdraft facility plus the money he got from his DF to make large payments to him. In one month he paid £1k. This looks like the largest payment in one single month that was made. The last payment was made at the beginning of this month for £240 and he said that was the last of what he owed, but said he hasn't taken any at all this year, was simply paying back what he owed.

[wanderlove]

@dopeyduck
I think everyone is completely wrong. I think if you love him and he loves you (which it really sounds like) then you have to give it a chance. It definitely needs clear boundaries and I would postpone the wedding until you feel 💯 again. You have a family together and you owe it a chance to heal and repair. When you love someone you commit to them and if they stuff up you try and sort it out and don't just walk away.
I think you definitely need to think about what your boundaries are and be really strong but if I was you I would give it a chance.

[spudsmama]

The bank transfer thing is really not the anomaly everyone is making it out to be. My step son has been on and off drugs for the last couple of years and has only ever paid by bank transfer as he forgot his pin number and was suffering from psychosis and paranoia that stopped him being able to go to a bank and get a new pin. He'd typically go through £250 a night in coke/mama until he ran out of money. Bank transfer might leave a paper trail but no one ever said the dealers and users were smart.

Also he has racked up several hundreds at a time by getting it on tick. If you are regular or a mate of a mate it's not unusual to get an advance. Dealers want to have a hold on their users.

I would get counselling, both of you and get him involved with NA which I imagine will still be operating on zoom so maybe you could go to meetings with him. My partner and I also read up a lot from Families anonymous which has been helpful for us. I think he could be telling the truth, (maybe I'm naive too!) That is really up to you and what your instincts tell you.

I think opening up to family as well could be a good idea as it will make him more accountable for his actions. Rather than having the burden of the "secret" just on you.

[Gymsmile21]

Oh that’s not so bad. In my head I was thinking 10k plus.

I don’t think his a dealer, still could be though, however, NO dealer waits 5 months for payment-not even thick ones, so him not using this year is a complete lie.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

@Kitfish

Hate to destroy everyone's prejudices but as an (ex) long-time cocaine user I can tell you it's not as hard to quit as people are making out - certainly easier than alcohol. I stopped completely about a year ago - not hard - just couldn't be arsed to make the trip to my dealer to get more in a pandemic. Probably never bother to use it again. If he's been using it for only a few months - not years - his addiction isn't likely to be that entrenched. If he's genuinely stopped then you're probably fine. And by the way AA and Al Anon are not based on science - but religion - they may help less than you think. Good luck to you.

I agree. But on MN everything has to be dramatic and medicalised - 'get him to a GP!' 'no one stops without professionals and meds', etc.

[motherofadog]

There are a lot of people commenting here who don't know much about drugs or addiction. I do.

OP, nothing you've said makes me think he must be lying. There's nothing unusual about getting through 1-3g of coke a day without your partner noticing, especially if they don't know anything about coke. And there's nothing unusual about racking up a debt of thousands. I know several young people in exactly this situation. Of course, he might be lying, because addicts lie, but there's no reason to assume that he is.

The people I know have all stopped now, and the one thing that's enabled them all to do so is the fact that they all have people they love and productive lives they enjoy and are invested in; they're not just wild free party people any more. Your partner has you, your child, his job, your future together.

It will help if he can tell family or friends. It makes it real, as well as giving him more support. He needs therapy or a support group, whatever works for him, and you do too. Don't try and deal with this on your own, don't keep it secret. Bring it into the light. You need to meet people in the same situation, learn about addiction, and understand what kind of help he needs from you. And you need to set some ground rules and some boundaries and make it very clear what you expect from him and what you can offer him.

I'd probably want to postpone the wedding for now, until the debts are paid and you're as sure as you can be that he's on the right track. That you both are. But that's your decision to make.

I think you're in with a really good chance of getting past this. Don't give up on him yet. But don't sacrifice yourself for him either. Wishing you all the best.

[waitingforthenextseason]

Don't marry him.

[madroid]

@osbertthesyrianhamster in your experience, has any drug dealer you've ever known accepted payment by bank transfer?

[BlackDaffodil]

[quote madroid]@osbertthesyrianhamster in your experience, has any drug dealer you've ever known accepted payment by bank transfer?[/quote]


it's certainly helps the Drug Enforcement Agency follow the paper trail for Court. 😂

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

[quote madroid]@osbertthesyrianhamster in your experience, has any drug dealer you've ever known accepted payment by bank transfer?[/quote]
Eh? What does that have to do with my comments regarding people stopping drugs cold turkey?

[Gymsmile21]

There are a lot of people commenting here who don't know much about drugs or addiction. I do.

You know about YOUR drug addiction. Everyone is different. Some people find it easy to give up, some don’t. Some rack up large debts, some don’t, some keep it a secret, some get too deep into a hole to do so. Everyone’s different rnt and everyone’s body responds differently.

Surly we can all agree that bank transfer, whilst not impossible is really stupid and also a dealer doesn’t give a 5 month gap between supply and payment.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

Sorry, just had to ring 111 because my eyes are stinging from hayfever but it's best to see a GP right away.

[Rainbowqueeen]

He needs to do 3 things
1 go to NA
2 tell people so he has more support and so you have some support
3 go to therapy so next time he is feeling stressed and anxious he has some strategies in place to help him

Otherwise he is not taking responsibility for his actions and not doing the work necessary for you and him to move forward from this.

[MadelaineMaxwell]

@madroid I know there are people who pay by bank transfer. Especially if the dealer has a cover business where they sell a product or provide a service. @motherofadog has it right. And sounds a damn sight more knowledgeable than many on here.

[Gymsmile21]

If they sell a product or provide a service it will go through HMRC so they will have a tax on that- that’s why it’s stupid and unlikely. Also a paper trail. Not forgetting that when a order is placed a tracking number needs to be provided or it can be claimed back. Again, stupid!

[motherofadog]

@Gymsmile21 I'm not a drug addict.

Obviously everyone is different, obviously not everyone racks up huge debts. I didn't say otherwise. I said it's not unusual, and certainly not as preposterous as some people here think it is.

Bank transfer is pretty stupid, but addicts aren't very rational. Anyway, what's done is done, and it doesn't help the OP to bang on about how stupid it is. I'm sure she knows.

I know people who've owed their dealers a lot of money for more than 5 months. Again, it's not unusual.

[endofthelinefinally]

He needs professional help and he needs it now. I am so sorry OP.

[Miasicarisatia]

When a drug dealer gives credit it's because they want to reel you in and have you working for them selling drugs

[Egghead68]

It’s not the drugs so much as the secrets and lies.

[daisydays90]

[quote wanderlove]@dopeyduck
I think everyone is completely wrong. I think if you love him and he loves you (which it really sounds like) then you have to give it a chance. It definitely needs clear boundaries and I would postpone the wedding until you feel 💯 again. You have a family together and you owe it a chance to heal and repair. When you love someone you commit to them and if they stuff up you try and sort it out and don't just walk away.
I think you definitely need to think about what your boundaries are and be really strong but if I was you I would give it a chance.
[/quote]
Thank you so much for this. I love him with my whole heart and will work with him, not against him, to overcome this.

[daisydays90]

@motherofadog

There are a lot of people commenting here who don't know much about drugs or addiction. I do.

OP, nothing you've said makes me think he must be lying. There's nothing unusual about getting through 1-3g of coke a day without your partner noticing, especially if they don't know anything about coke. And there's nothing unusual about racking up a debt of thousands. I know several young people in exactly this situation. Of course, he might be lying, because addicts lie, but there's no reason to assume that he is.

The people I know have all stopped now, and the one thing that's enabled them all to do so is the fact that they all have people they love and productive lives they enjoy and are invested in; they're not just wild free party people any more. Your partner has you, your child, his job, your future together.

It will help if he can tell family or friends. It makes it real, as well as giving him more support. He needs therapy or a support group, whatever works for him, and you do too. Don't try and deal with this on your own, don't keep it secret. Bring it into the light. You need to meet people in the same situation, learn about addiction, and understand what kind of help he needs from you. And you need to set some ground rules and some boundaries and make it very clear what you expect from him and what you can offer him.

I'd probably want to postpone the wedding for now, until the debts are paid and you're as sure as you can be that he's on the right track. That you both are. But that's your decision to make.

I think you're in with a really good chance of getting past this. Don't give up on him yet. But don't sacrifice yourself for him either. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you, this was incredibly helpful to read and appreciate you taking the time to give this advice without sounding as eh, cut throat as some of the PPs.