Don't know how to cope with DP revelation

[daisydays90]

I've name changed for this.

Last night I was putting washing away when I came across a bank statement stuffed into my DP's drawer. I was shocked to see it was in a substantial overdraft as he'd told me he was using this account to put money away so he could plan a surprise for me and DS. (We share all other finances, so or I thought...)

I did a little digging and came across another more recent bank statement, showing very large sums being paid out to certain individuals. It also showed that he'd lied about how much money his dad lent us a few months ago when he lost his job due to the pandemic.

When he got home from work (he has a new job, luckily he was only out of work for about 6 weeks), I confronted him straight away. He admitted that last year he started using cocaine. He was incredibly stressed - I knew this and had talked him into going to a psychotherapist but he only went once and although he said it was a positive experience, he didn't go back despite me constantly asking him to. He said he just did it to try and help him focus at work and take the stress off, but it quickly became a problem both in terms of addiction and financial. He said he realised he was digging a huge hole that he'd struggle to get out of if in continued, so he stopped. He told me he hasn't used at all since last year but has spent that time worrying and trying to pay it back and also feeling immensely guilty for keeping this from me. He'd never done anything like this before.

He was so, so apologetic, upset, ashamed and embarrassed. He promised this is the only thing he's ever kept from me and although he knew he should have told me, he was worried I would leave him and he couldn't bear to lose me and his family.

We've been together over 6 years now. We are engaged to be married next year, already have a young child and have another on the way. Although I knew we were dealing with him feeling really out of sorts and stressed, which he said was pretty much completely down to his old job and then lockdown/both of us being on furlough, I thought everything was otherwise pretty perfect.

I love him with everything I have. He is an amazing partner, provides for us, works extremely hard and has always been a complete support to us. Loving, committed, honestly everything I ever wanted in a partner.

This has completely shook me up and I'm struggling so much with how to feel. There's no denying I still want to be with him. I told him I love him and although I'm incredibly disappointed, I'm not just going to end our relationship because things are difficult just now. We will work through it. I'm just worried because in the back of my head I'm wondering, "What if it happens again?"

He told me if he ever felt the urge to use again, he would instantly tell me and we would work together to get him help. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that right now some trust is gone.

It's made more difficult as I'm in the early stage of pregnancy and my hormones are already all over the place - but I feel somewhat numb about all of this. Detached from reality as if it's not really happening.

How do I move forward?

Yes, he would have driven a shirt drive home from work. He says the drugs had long worn off before he ever drove,

They hadn’t. The initial high might be short but the comedown takes days and his judgment would be impaired. It’s the same as having wine at lunch and choosing to drive home at 4pm.

Educate yourself on addiction and cocaine in your own time - not what he says.

Assume everything he says is a lie.

Get help for yourself. You have children to focus your finite headspace, energy and time on - they are your priority.

They don’t need their mother distracted and distraught chasing the lies and deception of an addict. That’s futile you all loose out.

Keep re reading this thread over the next few weeks - some stuff you will see differently in time when the shock and numb wears off.

Only he can sort himself out. That’s his solo journey - your needed for your DCs because he isn’t emotionally or physically present.

Do you really believe he went from neverĺĺ

You need the support of a trusted family member or friend because once the shock and denial subsides the rage will come and in your condition you don’t need this.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He was doing it for a maximum of 5 months he says, which means he spent an average of £1,400 a month in that period (if he was telling the truth) so that already doesn't add up with what I think you said earlier about him spending at the most £1k in a month on it.

You say 'around £7k' I would want to know exactly how much and exactly how he made the repayments so he can prove how much it was in total and that it's all paid back.

The problem is now you know he is an accomplished and convincing liar. You asked him re cash withdrawals at the time and he said it was to help regulate his spending ie a responsible thing to do, knowing he was in fact snorting money his dad gave him that his dad presumably thought would be family money.

He's a liar. I was an addict. I was a liar. Impact, not intent is what's important. I didn't lie because I was evil or nasty, I lied because I was an addict and ashamed. I was also young, with no dependent children or anyone else financially tied to me. I cannot fathom having lived such a lie while in a relationship and as a parent and would not expect someone to stay with me if I had done.

If he isn't willing to go away, get some help and work on himself then he isn't really wanting to make it work at all. I think he'll say 'I'll do anything' but if you asked him to do that, he would guilt trip you and say he was so stressed / he won't be able to cope etc.

With the £1k, I meant that was the highest amount in payments to his dealer that I saw on the bank statement, not that that’s the amount he was spending in the month. He already told me he was paying it back for a few months after stopping.

He’s willing to do anything I ask him. If he knows it’s a matter of our family staying together or not, then he will do whatever is required of him.

@LIZS

Is he still using, will he get support? You cannot solve this it has to start with him. You need to put your dc and yourself first and do whatever you need to protect them from his addiction, practically and financially.

Exactly this. No offence @daisydays90, but you sound like one of those nice but soft touch, naive women where the much smarter/cunning men know how to easily navigate and keep in the dark about things since they know you put them at the centre of your life and can be placated by some nice words, since you're not astute enough to properly suss them out and put them in their place.

Even if you knew you're going to stay with him, you REALLY need to make a huge deal of this and put ALL the responsibility of fixing the relationship firmly on HIM. There's no "we" need to work through this - it's him that needs to completely change if you're going to decide to stay and the family not be ripped apart by his addictive, dangerous and deceitful behaviour.

That money he chose to spend on cocaine is money he's essentially stolen from his family, including his own children. He must feeling very secure in your relationship and that any bad behaviour of his will be forgiven (especially since you quickly verbalised to him that you're going to stay with him regardless of his deceit). You should have let him sweat for several days at least so he understands the gravity of what he potentially stood to lose. This is a huge deceit he's covered up and he can very easily plunge you and the children into financial crisis in the future.

You sound very naive about drug addiction. It's highly unlikely he would tell you if he wanted to use again, especially as it was so easy to hide everything he was doing previously from you. Also there may be other decits you don't know about. I advise you speak to other women who've had boyfriends/husbands who are addicts to open your eyes more about what you're potentially letting yourself in for. All the best

*I meant sweat for weeks, not days!

Did he already have experience of cocaine before he got hooked at work? I assume he took it at least occasionally with mates or on nights out?

So despite hundreds of experienced posters telling you, the inexperienced one, that his account is not possible - you are determined to accept the account of the addict who has lied to you?

Gosh, just read a couple of your other posts. You sound very weak willed OP. :( No wonder this man is walking all over you. You also sound very young, it's hard to believe a grown woman would be this naive and foolish.

I think you should forget about how much of a prick your husband has been and concentrate on yourself for a second.

You sound very strong, you know what you want to do, help your husband, and your willing to fight to do it. That’s ok. Of course you should give it a shot, you don’t have anything to loose from trying.

What I would say though is whilst your helping your husband you need to help yourself. You need to get things in place for you, just incase it all falls apart. So whilst your working on him, and securing yourself, also work on accepting that whilst not impossible, it’s very likely that in months/years to come you will discover something, or something will come to a head and blindside you once again. Just try to prepare yourself for that.

If it doesn’t work it’s not on you, there is nothing more you could have done.

Don’t weigh your success on him giving up drugs, your success will be weighed on that you tried but also in the meantime how you managed to cause minimal damage to yourself and your kids by preparing.

Sorry pressed send by mistake-

do you really believe that he went from never taking coke to thinking "ooh I'm a bit stressed out, I know, I'll call that friend if a friend and start snorting". And then proceed to power through 7k worth in 4 months. Not really likely is it.

The initial high might be short but the comedown takes days and his judgment would be impaired. It’s the same as having wine at lunch and choosing to drive home at 4pm.

This. He also would have been legally over the limit drug driving wise and had he caused an accident that would have been taken into consideration. Huge fine, jail time, life changing injuries for him / others, even death by dangerous driving.

A man taking up to 3g a day, driving to and from work is not someone whose judgement I could trust.

Not a chance cocaine has never been in your home I'm afraid.

You sound nice and kind, but he's lying to you. I don't understand why you're so robust in your belief that he isn't. If someone said to you at Christmas time that your husband had been taking up to 1-3g of Coke daily for months and racking up thousands of pounds of debt, would you have believed them? I suspect not. He's not who you thought he was.

@DateXY

Gosh, just read a couple of your other posts. You sound very weak willed OP. :( No wonder this man is walking all over you. You also sound very young, it's hard to believe a grown woman would be this naive and foolish.

I think that's unfair, her partner is clearly a predator and these types are skilled at picking exactly the right kind of prey and then carefully manipulating them.

@Surroundedbytime

Did he already have experience of cocaine before he got hooked at work? I assume he took it at least occasionally with mates or on nights out?

He’d tried it once on a night out with friends. This was about 3 years ago and he told me about it at the time. He said this was the only time he’d taken it before last summer. He didn’t even remember that he’d told me about that, so when I asked him if he’d ever taken it before this all started he told me about that time again. I had to remind him that I already knew about that.

@DateXY

Gosh, just read a couple of your other posts. You sound very weak willed OP. :( No wonder this man is walking all over you. You also sound very young, it's hard to believe a grown woman would be this naive and foolish.

I’m not weak willed at all. I know exactly what to do if it comes down to it. But should every person who has found themselves in trouble with drugs have their loved ones just abandon them and give up on them?

I feel like some posters just want me to say I’m leaving him and that’s the end of it, and because I’m not doing that keep saying I’m naive or foolish. I’m not.

I'm actually really surprised how few people are saying LTB on this thread.

On other threads people say "LTB" when someone's DP isn't doing enough housework / childcare

If drugs, £7k debt, owing dealers money and lies upon lies aren't a reason to leave someone I don't know what is!!

I posted before to confirm you can buy drugs with bank transfer or card. I am friends with casual drug users, I do not think every drug user is an addict and should be condemned. I also more people take a range of drugs that most people would realise. All that being said please proceed with caution. If he went from zero drug use to 7k plus (I assume if the debt is 7k there was cash he had before that) that’s a hell of an escalation. Imagine drinking £100 of booze a day every day, even half that and your life would be a mess. This is no different. If you genuinely didn’t notice anything was wrong he is a extremely accomplished liar. That means every single day he was masking is emotions.

I am not saying chuck him out and never speak to him again but I am saying this needs time to resolve. There needs to be clear air where the money has been paid off and he isn’t mysteriously spending again.

I feel for you, I really do, this is a horrible thing to be dealing with and you must feel broadsided.

Oh and drug dealers are like all salespeople. Perfectly personable and adapt to their environments. If he was buying and using only at work then his dealer had to be able to pop into his work place inconspicuously every day.

Hi OP I wanted to reply as an addict. I am not ashamed to say that (anymore). I came out of rehab in March this year. My addiction was alcohol but in rehab there were NA people there as well.

You sound lovely, supportive.

I just wanted to tell you how much addicts lie. I am now clean - detoxed and clocking up my sobriety days but now clear headed I am going through a process of coming to terms with the impact of my addiction.

I didn't choose it, I didn't want it, but I am completely powerless against this particular substance. That is what addiction is.

Now that I am clear headed I am literally having to face head on the number of LIES I told and the broken promises and the minimisation and the "it was just this time" and "no I haven't xxx since xxx".

I am really sharing this with you as someone on the other side. The shame embarrassment fear of losing you etc will cause him to LIE. As you have children/a child on the way I really encourage you to adopt a really hard line. He is lying - big or small lies - but there is lies there. Trust me. Separate yourself, distance yourself.

I can see you love him. And he can recover. I am in recovery. But you need to really get real about the fact that this person is not trustworthy at all.

I am sorry to write this and I am actually slightly tearful as I type this as this is probably what I put my husband through and I feel so bad.

Best wishes to you.

He told me if he ever felt the urge to use again, he would instantly tell me and we would work together to get him help.

Hmmm. And how does this verbal assertion sit with the cognitive dissonance of his actual behaviour?
I ... had talked him into going to a psychotherapist but he only went once and although he said it was a positive experience, he didn't go back despite me constantly asking him to

So as far as he is concerned, all he has to do is make some noises come out of his mouth, you will put his emotions ahead of yours, & all will go back to normal.
Until next time, when it will be down to YOU to ensure that he gets the appropriate help?

OP I am so sorry this has happened to you, & that you are now cast into the role of being responsible for dealing with it.

He was so, so apologetic, upset, ashamed and embarrassed. He promised this is the only thing he's ever kept from me and although he knew he should have told me, he was worried I would leave him and he couldn't bear to lose me and his family.

Oh yeah?
They ALL say that. Cheaters, gamblers, druggies - thay are ALL falling over themselves to be "sorry" after the event, i.e. when they have finally been found out.

But for him - much as you want it to be true - in this instance, it is not.
Because it's certainly NOT "the only thing he's ever kept from you", is it?
He kept the cocaine abuse from you.
He kept the overdraft from you.
He actively lied about that overdrawn account being for family savings.
He lied about the size of his dad's loan.

So ... all of that is down to him.
But now he expects YOU to forgive, because HE cannot bear the thought of losing his family life.
And expects you to be on standby in case of him fucking up with cocaine again, so that you can "work together to get him help" when he does it again?

He needs to start taking personal responsibility.
Unless he voluntarily gets himself back to therapy, why should you believe a single, sorry-assed word out of his mouth?
He has lied & lied & lied to you, & now reckons that you should be satisfied with just some WORDS? Suppose these words are also lies?

If he wants his word to be believed, he need to match it with appropriate actions. It's is NOT your job to fix him. It is NOT your job to "work together" to undo his addiction. Any more than it was his dad's job to bail him out with cash.

You didn't cause this, you can't control this, & you cannot cure this.
Only HE can do so, & until he is showing genuine engagement in behaviours designed to deal with his addiction & resultant financial fuckwittery, you have no reason to believe that he is being truthful.

No, he just didn't want to owe any drug debts to a dealer. DP just said whenever the dealer messaged him asking for a payment, he made one.

I've never heard of a coke dealer who allowed credit.
Let alone one who would allow enough debt to rack up to warrant regular account management/credit control calls!
Punters pay on collection: no money = no drugs.

Something doesn't smell right here.

Thank you for your honesty and advice @Badgerlock42

I’ve had a long hard think this morning, and I’ve had to try stop myself from crying in work numerous times. Need to pull myself together.

When we get home tonight I’m going to tell DP that we’re going on a break. I am not leaving him, I will still be there to support him and he will be allowed to see our children - but you guys are right. He needs to fully understand the gravity of what he has done and I think in my shock and confusion I’ve came across too forgiving, when the truth is it’s tearing me apart and I won’t be able to move on from it unless I know he is completely clean.

I don’t want it to be the end of us or our family, but I think I need to make these steps to protect my child and myself.

I’ve messaged my best friend asking her to meet me after work. I’m going to tell her everything, so I have some support. Then I’ll most likely go and stay with my parents tonight and tell them. They will be so heartbroken, they love him like a son. But everyone needs to know so he can be held accountable and it isn’t just being bearing this burden.

I feel destroyed.

*me bearing this burden

I am so proud of you for contacting your friend and reaching out to your parents.

This will help you all.

Talk to his Dad as well.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Take a rest now. This is a big shift in your thinking and actions. Take care or yourself and your babies.