Don't know how to cope with DP revelation

[daisydays90]

I've name changed for this.

Last night I was putting washing away when I came across a bank statement stuffed into my DP's drawer. I was shocked to see it was in a substantial overdraft as he'd told me he was using this account to put money away so he could plan a surprise for me and DS. (We share all other finances, so or I thought...)

I did a little digging and came across another more recent bank statement, showing very large sums being paid out to certain individuals. It also showed that he'd lied about how much money his dad lent us a few months ago when he lost his job due to the pandemic.

When he got home from work (he has a new job, luckily he was only out of work for about 6 weeks), I confronted him straight away. He admitted that last year he started using cocaine. He was incredibly stressed - I knew this and had talked him into going to a psychotherapist but he only went once and although he said it was a positive experience, he didn't go back despite me constantly asking him to. He said he just did it to try and help him focus at work and take the stress off, but it quickly became a problem both in terms of addiction and financial. He said he realised he was digging a huge hole that he'd struggle to get out of if in continued, so he stopped. He told me he hasn't used at all since last year but has spent that time worrying and trying to pay it back and also feeling immensely guilty for keeping this from me. He'd never done anything like this before.

He was so, so apologetic, upset, ashamed and embarrassed. He promised this is the only thing he's ever kept from me and although he knew he should have told me, he was worried I would leave him and he couldn't bear to lose me and his family.

We've been together over 6 years now. We are engaged to be married next year, already have a young child and have another on the way. Although I knew we were dealing with him feeling really out of sorts and stressed, which he said was pretty much completely down to his old job and then lockdown/both of us being on furlough, I thought everything was otherwise pretty perfect.

I love him with everything I have. He is an amazing partner, provides for us, works extremely hard and has always been a complete support to us. Loving, committed, honestly everything I ever wanted in a partner.

This has completely shook me up and I'm struggling so much with how to feel. There's no denying I still want to be with him. I told him I love him and although I'm incredibly disappointed, I'm not just going to end our relationship because things are difficult just now. We will work through it. I'm just worried because in the back of my head I'm wondering, "What if it happens again?"

He told me if he ever felt the urge to use again, he would instantly tell me and we would work together to get him help. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that right now some trust is gone.

It's made more difficult as I'm in the early stage of pregnancy and my hormones are already all over the place - but I feel somewhat numb about all of this. Detached from reality as if it's not really happening.

How do I move forward?

@Ohdobequiet

You’ve been given good advice here op. I know why you don’t want to hear it. Denial is a strong defence and being pregnant, you’re very vulnerable. I think you know he’s not telling the whole truth. Hopefully he will one day. Best of luck.

I know it probably seems like I’m in denial, but I’m not. What part is it folk don’t believe? Before he went back to work after the first lockdown, he’d been at home with us with nowhere to go from March until July. He literally spent every second with us - there was no strange bank transactions, no cash withdrawals, and he wasn’t sneaking out to go collect or take drugs. So I don’t believe he’s a long term user as he literally spent all his time with me during the first lockdown. He says it started when he returned to work and I believe him, because it makes sense.

I really think you need to be less defensive and listen to what people are saying. My brother was a come addict and my dad trusted him completely. Everyone else could see through what was happening.
That dealer threatened to harm my children to get my brother to pay up. Do not kid yourself that you and your children are safe.

*coke 🤦🏼‍♀️🤷‍♀️

“some days he was spending £300 a day”

“He said it all got very serious in October and that's when he realised he owed a ton of money and he's got himself into a right mess. He said it started off with just a bit but quickly spiralled into a habit and he was sometimes using every day. Once he realised how serious it got, he apparently quit.”

So yes he was up to 30 lines a day within 3 months.

Oh and panic attacks are a symptom of cocaine overdose.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.altamirarecovery.com/blog/overcoming-cycle-cocaine-addiction-cocaine-induced-panic-disorder-treatment/amp/

I am really sorry that you are facing this in your situation. I really am. I have lost 3 friends (Dads in their 40s with young children) to coke in the last 2 years.

I wish you all the very best of luck.

How do I move forward?

Not with blinkers on. But every response from you, OP, is becoming more and more defensive. He's sold you his story, it's convenient for you to swallow it - that doesn't make any of it true.

I can see this from all the bank statements.

You can see the story he's told you fitting the bank statements; you've been provided an unlikely exchange re his 'paid-off drug debts' by his 'dealer'. It seems plausible to you because you want it to be true. But it just doesn't ring true, for anyone who has had any experience of such things.

I know it probably seems like I’m in denial, but I’m not.

And how would you know? From your lengthy past experience of dealing with users? From your own past experience of being in denial? You don't seem very experienced in any of this, and denial is an unconscious coping tool - so the very nature of it is often one does not know that one does not know, or one willfully refuses to 'know'.

He's lying, which is also natural for someone in his situation. And his lies are plausible enough that they are preferable to you than the more likely reality that others who do have experience have pointed out.

I really am sorry for you, the shock and pain and fear is horrible, but it is looking like you will have to go through several more cycles of the wash before the reality you are actually dealing with comes clear.

OP you would have to be using a long long time for 3 grams to not effect you to the point of it being obvious.

Cocaine is use is extremely obvious when taken in that quantity.....

The average joe doing 1 gram is enough to rocks your socks off let alone being able to perform normal work duties.

Im sorry you’re going through this. You sound as if you love your partner very much which is wonderful but try not to let your devotion to him blinker you to what might be possibly going on.

He has kept this from you and is now seemingly compliant now he’s been found out. He sounds to have a plausible explanation for everything and is seemingly prepared to work with you to show you this is behind him but try to remember that if he is still using then he will say anything to protect his drug use and could well be still stringing you along. Stay open minded and don’t instantly believe he’s being honest with you. I hope he is but it’s quite possible he isn’t.

I now nothing about drugs but I can see from your responses that you are willing to believe anything he tells you as long as their is some "evidence" - the problem with this is that he knows what he can prove things with

Eg you keep saying you have full access to his money so cannot possibly spend money any more - but..... I can open credit cards and bank accounts or get a loan myself with no one knowing in a matter of minutes - instant money - it's the stuff he is not telling you that would prove his lying or not - not what you already think you know

Please - he may be completely telling the truth here but you need to interrogate your thinking and acceptance more - fact is he is a liar who lied to you for months without you suspecting.

@daisydays90 You ask how do you move forward, and how do you help your DH.

You need to start by acknowledging he is almost certainly still using cocaine. He's an addict. Once you accept that, then you can decide how you want to move forward.

Your are a drug addicts wet dream.
That’s not your fault, you can’t question what you don’t know.

You DH is so lucky- all those sets of circumstances just lining up like that- don’t let him do the lottery, with the copious amounts of luck your DH has he will win the euros.

Through a friend, met the worlds most understanding drug dealer who accepts payment for previous drugs over an extended 3 month period, even though your husband hasn’t been back for more, racking up a higher debt. You DH is lucky his such a nice drug dealer.

Can take drugs whilst at work, completely unnoticeable by boss and colleagues- just lucky!

Coke, doesn’t make him high, but instead focuses him more on his work- wow, that’s lucky again!!

It focuses him so much, in the space of just 3-5 months he can up this to 3 grams a day- again, completely unnoticed by everyone around him.....in such a short space of time, really? That’s lucky!

Has a wife who has no clue about drugs, and believes his story even though that wouldn’t get past anyone else unquestioned. -How much luck can one guy have!!?

You don’t stand a chance against your DH.

@LynetteScavo

*@daisydays90* You ask how do you move forward, and how do you help your DH.

You need to start by acknowledging he is almost certainly still using cocaine. He's an addict. Once you accept that, then you can decide how you want to move forward.

This is really important. Generally speaking, people with addictions don't just stop overnight because they've realised the error of their ways. Peolld with problematic use maybe, but not people who are genuinely addicted to something. My ex decided he was just going to stop taking drugs, it actually worked for a number of months because he avoided the situations he used to take them in, but guess what, the minute he was back in those situations he was shoving coke up his nose again, and on one occasion texting me whilst doing so promising me he wasn't. He told me that he did that because he thought he could get away with it, and if Id been more trusting of him then he would have. He's now stopped for good because he's accepted he will always be an addict and can never let his guard down in certain situations or be naive enough to think the problem has magically gone away. It may well be that your DH has stopped just like that, or maybe he hasn't, but that doesn't mean this issue isn't going to come back around in future.

I've been in your shoes OP. A "full" confession, expressions of regret, assurances that he was clean and would stay clean, years of suspicion and gaslighting then boom! He had been using all along and was in enormous debt (self employed so was spending what should have been paid in tax on coke). He lied so well for so long and I wanted to believe him because I loved him and thought we could get through it. The whole cycle from first disclosure to the end was 6 years.

We had two beautiful kids. Why wouldn't he want to get better for them? He had all to play for! Well, believing that was my biggest mistake. Coke is stronger than love. It will burn through your family until there is nothing left. It will eat up the love and support you provide as a wife and use it like petrol. Please believe me and all of the others in this thread. do not believe one more word that comes out of his mouth. It may seem counterintuitive but the most loving thing you can do for this man is to detach from him. Read Poona Bell's book Chase the Rainbow. Russell Brand has some wise words for partners of addicts in his book Recovery. Look at the forum on the Adfam website - you will see your story over and over.

I too thought my DH was strong enough to beat it. Turns out in the end he was. But only once he'd written off our car risking serious injury, got himself banned from driving, racked up enormous debt, had his company closed down, and been kicked out and divorced by me. And I was lucky. He didn't die, plenty do.

And you know what? Apart from time he first told me about it, he said nothing unless I found evidence first. A series of horrible shocks and revelations one after the other. Each time I'd believed it was over. I don't want you to suffer the same way. My DHs true recovery would have come years earlier if I'd have acted differently.

Get help from those who know. Famanon run meetings on line. You need to recover and heal and look after yourself for the sake of your children. At the moment you are strapped into an out of control car with a crazy man at the wheel because like others have said, he will still be using. He's in denial too. He wants to stop, he thinks he can manage it, but from what you describe he hasn't stopped

Good luck to you and him. I am sorry to say this but you are really going to need it. Find support where you can. Start by telling your family and his if possible. If I'd have done the same things might have turned out differently.

Which part don't I believe? Practically everything he has told you. Nothing adds up as countless posters have tried to tell you.

At the very least you need to acknowledge that a £300 a day habit, all done at work, wouldn't have helped him focus. He would have been a complete arsehole on it because everybody is.

And why on earth is there an acceptance of 'his mate is a drug dealer'.
Absolute low life - he needs reporting to the police.
My young cousin died, leaving a baby, because of 'mates' like his. Appalling,, but I bet you won't do the right thing and make that report.

God this is so frustrating to read.
You are being lied to but don't want to believe it, no matter how many knowledgeable people tell you-good luck with that
The 'panic attack' and thinking he was having a heart attack will be from cocaine use. Its the most common cause of young people ending up in A&E thinking they are having a heart attack
If he was genuinely suffering from anxiety and panic attacks 3g of cocaine a day would render him an absolute fucking mess, inconceivable you would not have noticed
You don't just take coke for the first time and immediately start racking up thousands of debt and snorting all day. He will have had a longstanding habit
Have a think about what would happen if one of your children found his stash, it happens
From your responses it sounds like this guy could tell you pretty much anything and you'd believe him you're so desperate to cling on to this idea of a perfect relationship. You've got children to think of. Grow up

@Gymsmile21

Your are a drug addicts wet dream. That’s not your fault, you can’t question what you don’t know.

You DH is so lucky- all those sets of circumstances just lining up like that- don’t let him do the lottery, with the copious amounts of luck your DH has he will win the euros.

Through a friend, met the worlds most understanding drug dealer who accepts payment for previous drugs over an extended 3 month period, even though your husband hasn’t been back for more, racking up a higher debt. You DH is lucky his such a nice drug dealer.

Can take drugs whilst at work, completely unnoticeable by boss and colleagues- just lucky!

Coke, doesn’t make him high, but instead focuses him more on his work- wow, that’s lucky again!!

It focuses him so much, in the space of just 3-5 months he can up this to 3 grams a day- again, completely unnoticed by everyone around him.....in such a short space of time, really? That’s lucky!

Has a wife who has no clue about drugs, and believes his story even though that wouldn’t get past anyone else unquestioned. -How much luck can one guy have!!?

You don’t stand a chance against your DH.

Also how “lucky” was he that the £240 transaction just THIS WEEK was his final “debt” payment from last year......amazing timing - it’s it lucky that it’s all over now - just in time for your discovery.

He’s a long term user (probably since before you met 6 years ago)

He’s a liar

He is still using

The best thing you can do for HIM right now is detach and kick him out. He then might hit his rock bottom sooner rather than later.

He opened his new account in October when he really owed his dealer money. He used the overdraft facility plus the money he got from his DF to make large payments to him. In one month he paid £1k. This looks like the largest payment in one single month that was made. The last payment was made at the beginning of this month for £240 and he said that was the last of what he owed, but said he hasn't taken any at all this year, was simply paying back what he owed.*

Well this so just utter bollocks. You're not telling me he made his last payment this month, debt ended and he's not used since January. Come on, that's just not true!

Also you said your partner lost his job a few months ago due to the pandemic and his father lend him money...
Are you sure he lost it to the pandemic or was he drug tested at work/showed performance issues etc and was sacked?

If I were you I'd be saying to your fiance you want to FB message the dealer, ask for the dealers phone number and then call the dealer on speakerphone with your fiance speaking and ask the dealer to confirm when the first and last time he dealt to him was. I fully expect your fiance to protest this (I'm not expecting the call to actually happen, just use it as a test) and I think his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Have you made him take a recent drug test, yes or no? That way you will know for certain. If he hasn't used anything since last year he won't have anything to worry about will he?

Please listen to all these experienced people telling you that your DP's story doesn't add up. I know you love him and want to believe the best of him, but you are being lied to.

Coke doesn't help people concentrate. I actually can't think of a worse drug to take at work (unless he works as a rock star but I presume you would have mentioned that). It turns people into egomaniac knobheads bouncing around being wankers. It doesn't help you focus. As a previous poster said, even in the coke-fuelled 80s executives wouldn't routinely take coke in the office and then expect to get any work done; it's not a productive drug like e.g. Ritalian.

If someone were stressed and anxious they would not choose coke. That's like choosing a nice warming cup of triple espresso to help you sleep.

Wise up, please. Don't have blind faith in a man who has told you a hundred lies.

Also, the dealer running his drug payments through his business account is making my accountant heart hurt. He'll have to declare and pay tax on the drug income but won't be able to offset the cost of supplies, which is the vast majority of the cost. Unless that's why he's charging £100 a gram, so he'd still make a profit after tax? Risky though, what if he gets audited?!

@mmollymeekinss

OP you would have to be using a long long time for 3 grams to not effect you to the point of it being obvious.

Cocaine is use is extremely obvious when taken in that quantity.....

The average joe doing 1 gram is enough to rocks your socks off let alone being able to perform normal work duties.

I think so too, having seen friends take much less at parties.

And he was then DRIVING HOME. I can’t believe that OP is so calm about the danger he posed to other people.

And to her and her children, if he’s been driving them around too.

OP, even if his tale is true (which I doubt in large parts) then how are you so willing to forgive such recklessness?

I was also wondering if the loss of his job was to do with him taking cocaine during the working day which he has admitted to.

@Surroundedbytime

I was also wondering if the loss of his job was to do with him taking cocaine during the working day which he has admitted to.

Yes this could be true. OP might think "but I know his colleagues! Someone would tell me if that were the case!" But they really, really wouldn't.

I once worked at the same place as a couple. They'd been together for years, had kids, everybody knew both of them very well. The man was caught stealing from work and quit before he could be fired. He told his DP that he was just so stressed with the job he had to quit, and she believed him. Nobody told her the truth because it was clear she believed him and nobody wanted to be the one to burst her bubble. It was only a couple of years later, when he was fired from his next job for stealing, arrested and charged, that she found out what he'd done. This was in the days before GDPR too so lips will be zipped even tighter now.

@MrsTulipTattsyrup What makes you think I’m calm about any of this? Believe me, I’m not at all and he has really had it from me since I’ve found all this out. I’m not trying to diminish any of his wrong doings. We both know he has majorly fucked up. He doesn’t have my forgiveness at all right now. I said I would help and support him, I haven’t said anything about forgiving him yet.

With regards to losing his job - I was there for the Zoom meetings pertaining to this and saw all the relevant documentation. Drug use has never been mentioned.

Do you believe his account?