Don't know how to cope with DP revelation

[daisydays90]

I've name changed for this.

Last night I was putting washing away when I came across a bank statement stuffed into my DP's drawer. I was shocked to see it was in a substantial overdraft as he'd told me he was using this account to put money away so he could plan a surprise for me and DS. (We share all other finances, so or I thought...)

I did a little digging and came across another more recent bank statement, showing very large sums being paid out to certain individuals. It also showed that he'd lied about how much money his dad lent us a few months ago when he lost his job due to the pandemic.

When he got home from work (he has a new job, luckily he was only out of work for about 6 weeks), I confronted him straight away. He admitted that last year he started using cocaine. He was incredibly stressed - I knew this and had talked him into going to a psychotherapist but he only went once and although he said it was a positive experience, he didn't go back despite me constantly asking him to. He said he just did it to try and help him focus at work and take the stress off, but it quickly became a problem both in terms of addiction and financial. He said he realised he was digging a huge hole that he'd struggle to get out of if in continued, so he stopped. He told me he hasn't used at all since last year but has spent that time worrying and trying to pay it back and also feeling immensely guilty for keeping this from me. He'd never done anything like this before.

He was so, so apologetic, upset, ashamed and embarrassed. He promised this is the only thing he's ever kept from me and although he knew he should have told me, he was worried I would leave him and he couldn't bear to lose me and his family.

We've been together over 6 years now. We are engaged to be married next year, already have a young child and have another on the way. Although I knew we were dealing with him feeling really out of sorts and stressed, which he said was pretty much completely down to his old job and then lockdown/both of us being on furlough, I thought everything was otherwise pretty perfect.

I love him with everything I have. He is an amazing partner, provides for us, works extremely hard and has always been a complete support to us. Loving, committed, honestly everything I ever wanted in a partner.

This has completely shook me up and I'm struggling so much with how to feel. There's no denying I still want to be with him. I told him I love him and although I'm incredibly disappointed, I'm not just going to end our relationship because things are difficult just now. We will work through it. I'm just worried because in the back of my head I'm wondering, "What if it happens again?"

He told me if he ever felt the urge to use again, he would instantly tell me and we would work together to get him help. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that right now some trust is gone.

It's made more difficult as I'm in the early stage of pregnancy and my hormones are already all over the place - but I feel somewhat numb about all of this. Detached from reality as if it's not really happening.

How do I move forward?

I realise I sound very naive about it all. I am. This is incredibly new to me and my whole world has been completely turned upside down. I love this man with everything I have and I have always said that no matter what life throws at us, we will work through it together. He might still be lying to me - more fool me if that’s the case. He knows if I ever found out he’s used again then me and the children will be gone. But we have to at least try - I’m not going to kick him to the kerb because he turned to drugs when he was going through a very difficult period in his life. He is a human being and has made some disastrous decisions, but I love him enough to try and ensure he has the help and support he needs to get better and hopefully never find himself in this place again.

I appreciate everybody’s brutal honesty with me. I know I need to hear it and I know it’s probably frustrating having it sound like I’m taking everything he says at face value. I’m not - I’m just trying to understand him and the position he found himself in and offer support where I can. He might still be lying. He might still be using. This is a reality I will have to face if that is the case, but for now - we will work on getting him help and support and take it from there.

Did he drive during that period?

Alone?

And / or with you and your child in the car

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Did he drive during that period?

Alone?

And / or with you and your child in the car

Yes, he would have driven a shirt drive home from work. He says the drugs had long worn off before he ever drove, but I know, it’s awful. I’m disgusted he would endanger his or other people’s lives like that.

He never drove with us in the car - he is insisting he only ever did it at work. He never had it near us or our home and was only ever with us on his days off or during furlough when we were all stuck at home. And as mentioned, he was never nipping away during this time to go collect drugs which is why I’m inclined to believe he wasn’t using at this time.

Not a chance he never had it on him / at home during that period of time. Not a chance at all. He might not even have taken it at home but there is zero chance he never brought it into your home at any point,

He drove under the influence. That'd be it for me. Unforgivable.

I say that as an ex addict, never could I have done that.

I have heard reports of dealers providing home delivery during lockdown. If your husband’s contact was working he could easily have done so.

OP, there’s no way that anyone taking that much coke could have performed better at work, and that nobody would have noticed the significant behavioural changes it would have engendered.

I am suspicious of almost all of your husband’s story and I would not be able to forgive the lies, financial issues, endangerment and possible consequences - not only from driving under the influence but the possibility of bringing people demanding payment to your door. His actions show that for the period he was doing this he cared more about the drugs than he did about you or your children. That is a very serious place to be.

I understand your desire to help him but in your position I would be asking him to leave our home while he received treatment/therapy etc, so that the impact of that (which could be severe) would not have a chance to affect our children further. Only if I was confident that he was consistently clean and honest for a good period of time (as advised by professionals) would I review the position.

@Horehound

* He opened his new account in October when he really owed his dealer money. He used the overdraft facility plus the money he got from his DF to make large payments to him. In one month he paid £1k. This looks like the largest payment in one single month that was made. The last payment was made at the beginning of this month for £240 and he said that was the last of what he owed, but said he hasn't taken any at all this year, was simply paying back what he owed.*

Well this so just utter bollocks. You're not telling me he made his last payment this month, debt ended and he's not used since January. Come on, that's just not true!

Also you said your partner lost his job a few months ago due to the pandemic and his father lend him money...
Are you sure he lost it to the pandemic or was he drug tested at work/showed performance issues etc and was sacked?

If I were you I'd be saying to your fiance you want to FB message the dealer, ask for the dealers phone number and then call the dealer on speakerphone with your fiance speaking and ask the dealer to confirm when the first and last time he dealt to him was. I fully expect your fiance to protest this (I'm not expecting the call to actually happen, just use it as a test) and I think his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

As if a drug dealer is going to entertain that bullshit. He has no obligation to the OP and her relationship. It would make me think I was being tricked into admitting dealing and assume I was being informed on.

What a stupid idea and put op and her family into danger.

I think your/his account does add up in many ways, and you're not necessarily being naive.

I can also understand the cynicism expressed by PPs.

However, I have known people over the years who use drugs and are highly functional, do not let the drugs take over, and don't let their life spiral into chaos. It is possible, just as some people can drink alcohol without becoming alcoholics. Others can't, and we could share plenty of scare stories on here about that.

I'm sure you'll find out where your truth lies.

As if a drug dealer is going to entertain that bullshit. He has no obligation to the OP and her relationship. It would make me think I was being tricked into admitting dealing and assume I was being informed on. What a stupid idea and put op and her family into danger.

Agree with this - the idea of messaging a drug dealer to confirm when you started and stopped buying drugs from them is madness and looks like entrapment. Crazy idea.

@Nancylovesthecock if you read the comment properly I do not think any such call would happen. It's more a test to guage his reaction on the suggestion of it. Jeez...

I understand you wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt, but what would worry me nearly as much as the drugs would be that he has lied to you for months. There are some people who lie as easily as they breathe and I would constantly worry about this because if he is a good liar you will never be able to tell if he's started using again. To be on the safe side I think you have to be serious about protecting yourself and your children financially. If this was me I would separate out as much of the finances as possible - I would get his wages paid either directly to my account or to his with an immediate transfer set up. I would keep my own bank card and account information where he cannot access them and I would check his account daily, along with credit reports in case he tries to get a secret credit card. I would literally take control of all the money. And I wouldn't be marrying him next year. Sounds drastic but you have kids to think about. Marrying or living with a drug user (if he ever gets caught) could also have implications for you retaining custody of your children or impact on your own employment. The fewer legal ties and ease with which you could separate, the better. Even if you have no intention of leaving, it's best for it to be easy to do so, in case the shit ever hits the fan legally.
I also think his dad should be told. Regardless of what your dp wants, it isn't fair to put all of this burden on you alone and I think his dad has a right to be informed - he loaned money for a specific purpose and it wasn't for his son to buy drugs. You will need the help and support.
I

I would be concerned about financial entanglement since he's helping his dealer/business partner to launder money from drug trafficking

Op, I’m not sure of the timeline but is he saying he was using cocaine in both jobs?

I'm not sure it's going to help you to tell his dad and/or call the police. You have enough on your plate without throwing hand grenades in all directions.

What concerns me about your replies OP is that you keep saying you're certain of things of which you have no proof. It's very naive.

Also, 3 grams a day is a massive amount of coke for someone who is just taking it to get through the work day.

Coke is not for helping you to focus at work Coke is for marathon sex sessions ....that's what I'd be worried about

@Surroundedbytime

Op, I’m not sure of the timeline but is he saying he was using cocaine in both jobs?

No, just at his old job.

Buying it and then paying for it a few days later
This is not how it works if you are buying drugs for personal consumption
This is how it works if you're buying some for yourself and some to sell on at a profit, the reason you need to pay a few days later is then you have the profits to pay for the amount that you bought.
This is how people get get into drug dealing the dealer offers them a cheaper rate if buy in bulk and that creates an obvious incentive for them to sell to support their own use

@Miasicarisatia

Buying it and then paying for it a few days later This is not how it works if you are buying drugs for personal consumption This is how it works if you're buying some for yourself and some to sell on at a profit, the reason you need to pay a few days later is then you have the profits to pay for the amount that you bought. This is how people get get into drug dealing the dealer offers them a cheaper rate if buy in bulk and that creates an obvious incentive for them to sell to support their own use

As I’ve already mentioned, the dealer was a friend of a friend. He said he wasn’t some scary guy going around saying he must pay in full straight away. He would just let him keep buying more and more as long as I was making consistent payments, which he was.

How much was it in total OP?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

How much was it in total OP?

Around £7k I believe.

the dealer was a friend of a friend
The dealer is a person who is happy to risk a lengthy prison sentence, the dealer is a person who is happy to be in business with other drug dealers.
He has the persona of a nice friendly bloke but he's comfortable interacting with sketchy people who operate outside of the law, if someone rips him off he can't go to the police he has to take matters into his own hands and he knows what will happen to him if he steps out of line with his higher ups.
You are swimming with sharks even if they look like dolphins.

There are 4 things that need separating out in your head:

1. You know he is a liar as he has lied and deceived you 24/7 for at least the past 10 months day in day out - by buying and taking drugs. He has only confessed to this specific timescale and scenario because he has been rumbled and it fits with the bank statements you have to hand.

2. It’s your choice to support his recovery.

3. He is still a liar. This is who he is. This is what he does.

4. Don’t believe a word he says.

He was doing it for a maximum of 5 months he says, which means he spent an average of £1,400 a month in that period (if he was telling the truth) so that already doesn't add up with what I think you said earlier about him spending at the most £1k in a month on it.

You say 'around £7k' I would want to know exactly how much and exactly how he made the repayments so he can prove how much it was in total and that it's all paid back.

The problem is now you know he is an accomplished and convincing liar. You asked him re cash withdrawals at the time and he said it was to help regulate his spending ie a responsible thing to do, knowing he was in fact snorting money his dad gave him that his dad presumably thought would be family money.

He's a liar. I was an addict. I was a liar. Impact, not intent is what's important. I didn't lie because I was evil or nasty, I lied because I was an addict and ashamed. I was also young, with no dependent children or anyone else financially tied to me. I cannot fathom having lived such a lie while in a relationship and as a parent and would not expect someone to stay with me if I had done.

If he isn't willing to go away, get some help and work on himself then he isn't really wanting to make it work at all. I think he'll say 'I'll do anything' but if you asked him to do that, he would guilt trip you and say he was so stressed / he won't be able to cope etc.

I have just read through all of your posts her OP, and I get a strong sense that because you love him so much you are willing to believe everything he is now telling you. I have, over the years, have had experience of people who were addicts, and have friends whose partners were addicts. Despite your comment about posters on here saying they stopped taking their drug of choice easily, the overwhelming majority of addicts don’t. Just like the majority of alcoholics don’t stay dry long term, or gamblers manage to stop gambling. An addict is an addict for life. As soon as you get your head around that you will be able to move forward. Your love for him isn’t going to stop him being an addict, as addiction is a physical illness. You can’t fix this. Only he can.
Begin by assuming that he’s not always going to tell you the truth. If he lapses and has a line or two, he’s not going to tell you if he thinks he can get away with it.
If you stop his access to his own salary he’s going to resent you - that’s you controlling him, not him controlling himself.
I would tell him you will expect him to test himself every 4 days in your presence. That’s the only sure fire way you can guarantee he’s not using again. I would also expect him to see his GP and join a support group.
www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/cocaine-get-help/
If he tries to say he doesn’t need to do this, he’s not being honest with himself.

£7k fucking hell! he got you into 7k debt, unbelievable