Don't know how to cope with DP revelation

[daisydays90]

I've name changed for this.

Last night I was putting washing away when I came across a bank statement stuffed into my DP's drawer. I was shocked to see it was in a substantial overdraft as he'd told me he was using this account to put money away so he could plan a surprise for me and DS. (We share all other finances, so or I thought...)

I did a little digging and came across another more recent bank statement, showing very large sums being paid out to certain individuals. It also showed that he'd lied about how much money his dad lent us a few months ago when he lost his job due to the pandemic.

When he got home from work (he has a new job, luckily he was only out of work for about 6 weeks), I confronted him straight away. He admitted that last year he started using cocaine. He was incredibly stressed - I knew this and had talked him into going to a psychotherapist but he only went once and although he said it was a positive experience, he didn't go back despite me constantly asking him to. He said he just did it to try and help him focus at work and take the stress off, but it quickly became a problem both in terms of addiction and financial. He said he realised he was digging a huge hole that he'd struggle to get out of if in continued, so he stopped. He told me he hasn't used at all since last year but has spent that time worrying and trying to pay it back and also feeling immensely guilty for keeping this from me. He'd never done anything like this before.

He was so, so apologetic, upset, ashamed and embarrassed. He promised this is the only thing he's ever kept from me and although he knew he should have told me, he was worried I would leave him and he couldn't bear to lose me and his family.

We've been together over 6 years now. We are engaged to be married next year, already have a young child and have another on the way. Although I knew we were dealing with him feeling really out of sorts and stressed, which he said was pretty much completely down to his old job and then lockdown/both of us being on furlough, I thought everything was otherwise pretty perfect.

I love him with everything I have. He is an amazing partner, provides for us, works extremely hard and has always been a complete support to us. Loving, committed, honestly everything I ever wanted in a partner.

This has completely shook me up and I'm struggling so much with how to feel. There's no denying I still want to be with him. I told him I love him and although I'm incredibly disappointed, I'm not just going to end our relationship because things are difficult just now. We will work through it. I'm just worried because in the back of my head I'm wondering, "What if it happens again?"

He told me if he ever felt the urge to use again, he would instantly tell me and we would work together to get him help. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that right now some trust is gone.

It's made more difficult as I'm in the early stage of pregnancy and my hormones are already all over the place - but I feel somewhat numb about all of this. Detached from reality as if it's not really happening.

How do I move forward?

@Miasicarisatia

He only ever took the drugs at work, yeah right, who takes Coke only at work? Coke is for parties and sex

You would think but my stepsons drugs of choice were coke, mdma and ecstasy all taken alone in his room. Particularly last year when he was 'self isolating'.

I hope it all works out for you Daisy, you're clearly a good trusting person.
I'm not anti-drugs, me and Charlie had lots of fun back in the day but they are spinning you a line

When was he going to tell you about all this if you hadnt stumbled across the evidence?

@daisydays90

He didn’t text the dealer, he messaged him via Facebook since he no longer had his number. Jesus some people really want to pick holes don’t they?!

Why so defensive?

Thats what you should be doing. But I understand that you are in shock and denial - this is v obvious with your clutching at straws. I am sorry this is happening to you - but YOUR stance such as YOUR comment below when even HE is telling you it got out of hand - is what will be your downfall - and he is well aware of your naïveté:

I'm also wondering if he wasn't actually addicted, but used enough for it to become a habit but not an actual serious addiction?

Also the hospital visit for a “panic attack”
18 months ago needs investigation.

@Sssloou Because it just seems stupid to be questioning if he really messaged him because I said he deleted his number, suggesting he perhaps didn’t message at all. We live in a digital age, it’s easy to get in touch with someone even if you don’t have their number!

I was with him at the hospital when the doctor told him it was panic attacks. He thought he was having a heart attack, genuinely thought he was dying. I was literally with him when the doctor explained what was happening. It doesn’t need investigating at all.

I told him that my main worry was him feeling the urge to use again. He said if that were to ever happen he would tell me.

It’s incredibly naive to believe this.

Just re-read the posts of @Restlessinthenorth again and again and again.

I am sorry that you are living this life.

It’s easy to get in touch with someone even if you don’t have their number!

That’s handy. No need to delete his number then.....

@daisydays90 I hope you won't be panicked by a lot of the comments in this thread. Not everyone who takes drugs becomes an addict. Admittedly coke is a tricky one but it sounds as though he nipped it in the bud and realised when it was becoming more of a destructive habit than he'd anticipated.

Good luck to you both, worse things happen at sea.

@Miasicarisatia

He only ever took the drugs at work, yeah right, who takes Coke only at work? Coke is for parties and sex

Or to keep going.

"He worked at least 12 hours a day, sometimes more. Sometimes for 10+ days in a row."

You'd know if your employee was as high as a kite at work OP. 15yrs ago a gram was around £50 - I can see it being possibly £70 now, I'm thinking the dealer was at least doubling the fare due to non payment.

You realise, he could've got caught and charged for taking A class drugs in the workplace - how on earth he got away with it all those months is quite literally magic or fiction - was he really at work all that time? What on earth does he do for a living (in an office you say) that he's not home till gone 9pm (going by this thread) - is that every night? No bloody wonder he's stressed OP! that's NO life.
I'll also note (from past experience (literally another life ago)) that you don't turn to coke when you're stressed - coke is for good times. MJ is for stress. His reasons for taking it are in my opinion, BS - I think he was finishing work bang on time and having coke fests with his 'mate' and co. every evening and coming home to you. Wears off after 20-30 mins depending on strength.

I believe he has told you half truths to satisfy your curiousity and because he knows you know JS about drugs and their effects - he probably has given up - it can be done cold turkey, very much so - but using £100 a day!!! for several months is hard to turn away from. Why is he working 12 hour days? Maybe he needs to seek help for his anxiety and stress - if he can work a 'normal' amount of hours a day, he might find time for some exercise and meditation. I suffer from GAD and I manage it with diet, herbs (teas), pilates and meditation.

Good luck to you OP.

You’ve found out he’s a liar. I’d dig a bit deeper and see if this coke addiction story is true. The bank transfers don’t make sense like others have said. I wonder if he’s told you a small piece of the story here.

Based on my experience with drug users, my guess is that he is a long-term user.

You said he's a high income earner - is it possible he has been siphoning off money to fund a 'controlled' habit? The sudden job loss made this impossible and he became desperate, borrowed a bunch of money from his dad and maybe some other person, which he used to pay for drugs. If he is paying back a semi-legitimate loan from an associate, not a drug- dealer directly then that explains the bank transfers.

A long term expensive habit, compounded by a sudden increase in use, funded by personal debt due to job loss explains his behaviour a bit better. How did a friend introduce him to a dealer? Owhimis this friend, do they still speak? OP, do you have friends who can hook you up with a large-scale cocaine dealer when you go through a tough patch? Even that part of his story is a bit iffy. Does he still see anyone he took drugs with?

Addicts lie. You cannot believe how they lie, the lie about anything, their lies don't make sense. They say and do anything to protect their addiction. They love drugs more then they love their families, themselves, everything. Drugs replace their personality and their humanity. He may not be a full time addict, but nothing about your story excludes this possibility.

Be cynical, and be prepared to do anything to protect yourself and your DC. Drugs is possibly worse than an OW.

@daisydays90 the bit that doesn't add up is the going from not using cocaine at all to using a lot in a very short space of time, being able to function at work and be normal at home and using so much he has to pay it back even having stopped. A lot of the dealers I mentioned also sell other, less illegal drugs. Diazepam, Sildenafil, etc. The cocktail to keep going. I'm saying be very wary, my point about being naive doesn't exclude you as a non drug user who has been forced into this position of guessing and relying on the word of someone who has, at best, withheld a lot from you.

@daisydays90

He was paying the dealer directly, sometimes via bank transfer, sometimes via transfer to his partner and other times by cash. He took out a small loan and used the money his dad gave him to pay this. He has shown me all the transactions. He has said his focus the last few months was just paying it all off, which he promises he has now done.

I think tonight when he gets home I'm going to ask him to show me if he has correspondence directly from the dealer, so I can know for sure if it really is all paid off now.

I genuinely believe he would never put myself or our child in harm's way. He said his focus to stop was us. He just kept thinking about how much he had fucked up and thinking of us was what made him finally quit.

I know, I know... every addict probably says that, right? I just don't know. I'm so hurt and confused.

Report the dealer to the Police, paper trail already linked here. Get the dealing scum off the streets.

@Egghead81

A dealer accepting bank transfers?

Bloody hell.... he sounds like something of a novice.

I’d be a little worried that there’s now a financial paper trail between your partner and a drug dealer

Yep I was thinking that unless he is bull shutting!

Are you (and the children) financially dependent on him or do you work? I'd be so scared if the sole wage earner has a drug addiction. I urge you to set down non-negotiable terms with him: addiction support, joining narcotics anonymous. It's a long, hard road ahead for you and your family

The last payment was made at the beginning of this month for £240 and he said that was the last of what he owed, but said he hasn't taken any at all this year, was simply paying back what he owed.

What just in the last week?

How v convenient that his “final debt payment” was this most recent transaction.

He is still using.

No new coke user is up to 30 lines a day within 3 months

• whilst at work
• and no change in personality

Likely a long term user - who was / is siphoning cash to pay for it but put once 80% furlough and redundancy kicked in the shit hit the fan financially.

So sorry you are having to face this op, you must be reeling.

Every nerve and fibre in you will believe he has told you the whole truth, especially because he is the father of your child with another on the way.

I agree he is no stranger to coke - when he was stressed his habit escalated at some point hence why he was 'working' until 10pm.

In the 90s Ad execs used coke to socialise with clients and win contracts. This was all outside the office though, nobody wanted a coked-up twat bouncing around their actual workspace, it was all saved for long lunches and evenings out.

@VenusTiger

You'd know if your employee was as high as a kite at work OP. 15yrs ago a gram was around £50 - I can see it being possibly £70 now, I'm thinking the dealer was at least doubling the fare due to non payment.

You realise, he could've got caught and charged for taking A class drugs in the workplace - how on earth he got away with it all those months is quite literally magic or fiction - was he really at work all that time? What on earth does he do for a living (in an office you say) that he's not home till gone 9pm (going by this thread) - is that every night? No bloody wonder he's stressed OP! that's NO life.
I'll also note (from past experience (literally another life ago)) that you don't turn to coke when you're stressed - coke is for good times. MJ is for stress. His reasons for taking it are in my opinion, BS - I think he was finishing work bang on time and having coke fests with his 'mate' and co. every evening and coming home to you. Wears off after 20-30 mins depending on strength.

I believe he has told you half truths to satisfy your curiousity and because he knows you know JS about drugs and their effects - he probably has given up - it can be done cold turkey, very much so - but using £100 a day!!! for several months is hard to turn away from. Why is he working 12 hour days? Maybe he needs to seek help for his anxiety and stress - if he can work a 'normal' amount of hours a day, he might find time for some exercise and meditation. I suffer from GAD and I manage it with diet, herbs (teas), pilates and meditation.

Good luck to you OP.

But what if he wasn’t “high as a kite”, just taking enough to get through. He says it helped him focus on his work and be more productive.

His work isn’t office based. I said he has an office, but he doesn’t spend the majority of his time there. It is a hands on, physical job with very long hours. Trust me, he wasn’t finishing work until night time. I know this for a fact - I am friends with some of his colleagues. If it wears off after 20-30mins, then I can see how he would take it at the start of a 12 hour shift, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day and be “normal” by the time he got home at night. He said he would have full conversations with people and no one ever suspected anything. He was still functioning like a completely normal person, he said the only difference was it helped him focus on his work and he could do more in a day while on it. Trust me, he wasn’t using it to party.

@PandaLady

So sorry you are having to face this op, you must be reeling.

Every nerve and fibre in you will believe he has told you the whole truth, especially because he is the father of your child with another on the way.

I agree he is no stranger to coke - when he was stressed his habit escalated at some point hence why he was 'working' until 10pm.

In the 90s Ad execs used coke to socialise with clients and win contracts. This was all outside the office though, nobody wanted a coked-up twat bouncing around their actual workspace, it was all saved for long lunches and evenings out.

Trust me, he was working until late at night. We work in the same industry, have worked for the same employer in the past, and I am friends with some of his past and present colleagues. He isn’t lying about being at work.

@Sssloou

No new coke user is up to 30 lines a day within 3 months

• whilst at work
• and no change in personality

Likely a long term user - who was / is siphoning cash to pay for it but put once 80% furlough and redundancy kicked in the shit hit the fan financially.

Within 3 months? He’s admitted he started in July/Aug and last used either end of last year or January, he can’t remember. That’s not 3 months. It started off at roughly £100-£200 a month, then escalated. I can see this from all the bank statements.

You’ve been given good advice here op. I know why you don’t want to hear it. Denial is a strong defence and being pregnant, you’re very vulnerable.
I think you know he’s not telling the whole truth. Hopefully he will one day. Best of luck.

Good luck OP 🌸