DH not happy that I change clothes in the evening

[DataColour]

Not brave enough to put this in AIBU.

I'm sick of DH telling me off for changing into "lounge wear" typically a hoodie and trackie bottoms in the evening. He says I look nice during the day when I am at work ( casual dress code) but in the evening as the kids are going to bed 8-9pm I change out of day clothes. Isn't this normal? He wants me to stay "dressed" till I go to bed (which is what he does). I want to tell him to f off.
He's just stormed out of the house because I'd dare to put a pair of joggers and a hoodie on. I've had enough of his 1950s attitude. It really upsets me.

This is so wierd. I wear a dress and tights to work and i can't wait to get home and changed into something more comfortable!
My DP would never say anything about me being in pjs or trackies. Tbh he comes home and will put a pair of shorts on or trackies. If I'm really lucky i get to see him sitting in his pants
However at the weekends we do both tend to make an effort for each other. I couldn't be with someone who tried to dictate what i could wear in my own home in the evenings

He would hate me. I have a fucia coloured onesie and have been known to go to my local shop wearing it. When ds was younger, he had a zebra onesie and wore it every morning while walking the dog.
These days as I have noone in my life I'm permanently in comfy clothes.

@LST

Me neither. It’s what I’m least looking forward to for my return to the office.

@squidgle

My father in law says if women are going to wear flat shoes, 'they may as well wear wellies'

I'm a Londoner and haven't worn heels for probably a decade.

Heels and dressing up is sexist and dated.

Exactly. I’m fed up with men trying to control every aspect of women’s lives.

My DH bought me an oodie a few weeks ago.

I'm a lucky gal.

The issue here is purely one revolving around control. I grew up in a very similar environment and it’s toxic for everybody involved.

You said that his behaviour worsened during Covid and this is typical of households where one member acts like they get to dictate all rules around.

He is a teacher and probably misses the validating behaviour of correcting his pupils’ actions, behaviours etc and you are now experiencing it more intensely.

I would add that having meals together as a family and chatting to one another is a positive thing, but not if good manners just become yet another thing your husband scrutinises and corrects and punishes (verbally or otherwise).

Before Covid I worked and commuted long hours and as soon as I was through the door I would shower and get changed into comfortable loungewear. This is not incompatible with good parenting or with manners.

I would also like to ask if he pulls his weight around the house? A lot of men I know who say things like that have little experience of what it’s like to be dealing with cooking and dirty dishes and running around the children at the same time, so it wouldn’t surprise me in the least that he doesn’t see the benefit of wearing non-work or simply comfortable, cheap clothes at home.

I think you need to start a conversation about perspective and respect.
For him jeans and a sweater are comfortable. For you jeans aren’t comfortable enough and you prefer something stretchy and soft. If he doesn’t see or respect your point, I’m sorry to say that he is just being controlling and you must not give in at all otherwise it will be the thin end of the wedge.

Good luck!

This is bullshit! He is completely unreasonable.

I'm a sahm so I'm not super smart anyway but I always wear 'nice' clothes in the day (now that my children are old enough not to slop mess on me constantly!). Once the children are in bed and we've eaten dinner I go straight upstairs, take off my make up and put my pyjamas and robe on! Then back downstairs to chill for the evening. I'm ready for bed, it's great all I need to do before I go to sleep is brush my teeth. Bonus.

I can't eat dinner in my pjs for some reason that feels too slobby But DH wouldn't give a monkeys if I did.

He needs to get over this, or you need to look at your relationship as a whole and decide if he actually makes you happy. Doesn't sound like he does!

I have not worn anything but my PJs/comfy clothes since lockdown No. 1... WFH too.

He sounds like an absolute dick for storming out. Still, playing devils advocate here, my bra is off the second I’m through the door, bath then comfy clothes, but, also make it look attractive. PJ bottoms with a vest top, hair tidied, perfume on. My DH wouldn’t dream of commenting, but I do want him to think I look good, doesn’t make me a fifties housewife, I’m just comfortable that way.

AnaViaSalamanca Are you Spanish? If you are that's weird, because literally every Spanish person I know is in their pyjamas at home. They're even out on the street in them where I live. It's certainly not just an English thing.

My DP is the opposite. If I'm sitting around in my jeans after about 8pm he says "Don't you want to get comfy in your pyjamas?". It's weird and controlling getting moody about people not doing exactly what you want them to do, especially when it comes to how they dress. It's also pretty arrogant to expect people to be like you and to think your way is the only/right way, which he clearly does.

How controlling. It sounds as though he expects a ‘Stepford wife’.

@expatinspain

My DP is the opposite. If I'm sitting around in my jeans after about 8pm he says "Don't you want to get comfy in your pyjamas?". It's weird and controlling getting moody about people not doing exactly what you want them to do, especially when it comes to how they dress. It's also pretty arrogant to expect people to be like you and to think your way is the only/right way, which he clearly does.

Mine is exactly the same!

As a result we both sit in pyjamas or joggers/leggings and a hoodie every night apart from date night weekend nights. I really couldn’t go back to having to be dressed at night tbh!

@DataColour

Thanks everyone. It's good to know that I'm not the unreasonable one. He has become increasingly controlling recently. He's frustrated at the lack of couple time we have but I don't feel like doing anything with him because of his behaviour.

Of course he's being outrageous! Every woman I know wears comfy clothes once they are home. My bra is the first thing that comes off! I was just wondering if the clothing frustration is linked to your sex life? Does he want you to stay in nice clothes as he finds it more of a turn on? Do the comfy clothes signal 'no sex' in his mind? Perhaps discussing this aspect may help or...changing into a sexy silky number just before bed if you want to indulge each other!

@cresside

I'm going to go against the flow and say that I can see where your husband is coming from. Mine would definitely not like it if I wore jogging bottoms every evening. And if he's been doing sport (which he does a lot) he changes out of sports gear into something a bit smarter for the rest of the evening.

Being "comfy" isn't the most important thing in the world. It's also important to wear clothes that your other half likes. My DH has certain clothes that I hate, and I've told him, and he doesn't wear them in front of me any more. Same with me and a particular pair of jeans of mine he dislikes. It's fine! The idea of dressing up to look nice for everyone else, and not for your partner, is a bit sad to me.

Having said that it sounds as if there's a distinct lack of respect in your relationship, and you both need some help in expressing how you feel about things.

Are you having a laugh? Being comfy in my own home is pretty high on my list of priorities. Especially when I've had a busy stressful day at work and want to relax in the evenings! I'm not a 1950s housewife, I won't dress for dinner and pander to my superior husband. We will respect each other and be comfortable in our marriage and our own home. It must be awful to live somewhere you can't relax in comfort and always have to be on parade.

Jesus I am in comfies after the school run 😳 he sounds like a twat

Why are you with this appallingly old fashioned sexist 1900s throwback - he sounds like an arse

@MikeWozniaksGloriousTache

my work clothes are expensive. I'm not sitting eating a chicken balti in a £100+ blouse. This is enough of a reason for me ... I’m the sloppiest twat on the planet and I couldn’t afford to be buying new work clothes all the time, when my comfies are stained they get tied dyed to cover it up I imagine that sentiment has some of MN aghast though!

One thing though, it makes sense now how people on here end up doing some much washing and never rewearing clothes. If they’re wearing one outfit for 16 hours it’ll be a lot dirtier and smellier by the end of the day, at least by taking it off after 8hrs they have lots of time to air out and be reworn again, not as much opportunity for dog hair / curry slop, less transfer of body fluids etc.

Everyone should be allowed to wear what they want, for how long they want without anyone else’s input or being called a stepford wife / slovenly. Different strokes for different folks. But you should not be dictated to about what you’re wearing in your own home.

Your husband sounds controlling and utterly vile tbh op. I feel sorry for the kids too, they must feel like they walk around on eggshells, wondering what daddy will shout at them for today.

I even have a dedicated pair of "curry pants" that's are partially orange . Been going strong for a good 10 years now. Surprised they've not stood up and fucked off to the bin of their own accord.

@gardenflowergirl

I've never changed into sweat pants and hoodies or PJ's when I get home and I don't know many people that do. My work clothes are fairly formal but also comfortable, so I'd never think of it for comfort reasons. I'm wondering if this is a class thing? A north south divide thing?

What?

I'm Manchester, Director level role but that doesn't mean I can't get home and let the nips swing free around the waistband of my curry pants does it?

DH and I wear what the fuck we want when it's just us and the DC in our own home.

Neither of us would be seen dead in jogging bottoms outside of home. But we both have some we wear after work/on weekends.

Neither of us judge the other for being comfortable. Nor does it make us less attractive to each other.

Our lives aren't spent trying to make ourselves desirable to the other. We desire each other because we love each other and do lots to let each other know. (Plus both scrub up well, and both look good to each other clothed or not)

Being comfortable together in the home we've made for our family is a part of why we're happy here.

Plus it's much nicer snuggling up on the sofa under a blanket with soft clean PJs/joggers on than in tight clothes that have been out in public.

Sorry haven't RTFT
but

this makes me feel a bit sick

It should be up to you what you wear. So natural to change out of work wear.

how long have you been married?

A class thing?! Wow. We aren’t talking about going to the supermarket wearing a unicorn onesie, we are talking about wearing comfortable clothes in your own house.

I’m middle class, living in a very naice area and live in stretchy clothing at home. So do most of my friends 🤷‍♀️

To me it’s just sensible. I even buy loungewear that passes as normal clothes so I can - shock horror - go to the corner shop without having to get changed.

Upsets YOU ???
Ohh please !

Tel him to fuck straight up off !!!
What a childish behaviour. How can you stand him ?

@Fixitup2

PJ’s and dressing gown as soon as I get in here, with no bra. Can be anything from 1pm-6pm. The husband doesn’t comment as it’s none of his business.

Hahaha love it ! I’m with you ! When I possibly can.

I mean, he shouldn't tell you what to wear but after your updates, that's the least of it. I could not live like this.

Have you just become used to all this? No man would be telling me not to eat on the sofa or what to watch in the evening, and if I were a child I'd probably be walking on eggshells.