DH not happy that I change clothes in the evening

[DataColour]

Not brave enough to put this in AIBU.

I'm sick of DH telling me off for changing into "lounge wear" typically a hoodie and trackie bottoms in the evening. He says I look nice during the day when I am at work ( casual dress code) but in the evening as the kids are going to bed 8-9pm I change out of day clothes. Isn't this normal? He wants me to stay "dressed" till I go to bed (which is what he does). I want to tell him to f off.
He's just stormed out of the house because I'd dare to put a pair of joggers and a hoodie on. I've had enough of his 1950s attitude. It really upsets me.

@jaundicedoutlook

Some odd comments and attitudes on this thread.

Lockdown aside, and if staying at home, when we get back from work we’ll change partly out of work clothes. DH will probably keep work shirt on, but remove tie and suit and put on a pair of casual trousers, but not pyjamas or jogging pants - that would just be slobbish. I’ll take off work clothes and put on similarly casual attire. The point being, don’t want to stay in clothes that have been worn all day and on the train, but equally don’t want to get ready for bed in the early evening.

There’s a balance here between having a bit of self respect/ not looking like slobs in front of the children vs not living in Edwardian England.

Slobbish? God I'd hate to be so uptight. Eurgh.

*me

I haven't RTFT but I know my husband loves seeing me in my 'outdoor' clothes and only ever gets to see me in house trousers and a toothpaste-stained tshirt. But he would never complain about it or ever mention it really! His nice, normal, calm attitude about this and many other things makes me make more of an effort, arrange nights out (in normal times) and generally be attentive.

obvs dont mean men removing tights, LOL

As soon as I get in after work

The trackies go on. Sometimes remove bra too

I'm wondering if this is a class thing?

I’m quite posh and I change into “sloppies” when I get home. My Grade 2* listed house is cold so I wear layers. PJs? Dear me no. I wear nighties over thermals in bed.
Haven’t RTFT but as an old lady, I can tell the OP that life is too short for this sort of nonsense. I’d LTB.

OMG!! i didnt post 1st message , it said soon as home PJ,s on cant wait to remove bra, tights ect, we all do it in my family incl men.

Has he banged his head????
Banning joggers & hoodie would breach human rights in my household!!!

This sort of thread reminds how lucky I am to be single. I hate clothes, find them so uncomfortable. I'm in my pjs with no bra if I am at home. I couldn't give a damn what anyone else would think. Jeans worn at home is complete bonkers to me-theyre do uncomfortable. That said I'd never bloody tell anyone not to ffs. I'm not lazy, I run 3-4 times a week and if u want 2 showers a day I sodding well will.. being single and not having to compromise is one of the best decisions I ever made.

@3CCC

As soon as I get in after work

The trackies go on. Sometimes remove bra too

I havent worn bra for 18 months!

He would hate me, its either a tracksuit or pjs. I often wear a track pants and a hoody out and about as well 😅😅 life is too short not to be comfortable and Jean's just drive me mad.

My husband called me out for apparently “false advertising” when I graduated from thongs to big granny pants... after over a decade together and at least one child! Definitely karmic retribution a year or two later: clinging onto neonatal sanity while baby was in special care during covid times - I kept wazzing my pants thanks to the shattered pelvic floor, so I whizzed out to the shop and spanked £50 on granny pants - on his credit card 😂

Sorry - I digress! He’s totally OTT. But are there any other casual clothes that might be received better, eg leggings (?!) or are there some kind of sexy joggers or something?!

Wow. He would divorce me in a heartbeat. I am in pjs pretty much all of the time if I’m in the house.
I was working from home today, so was DH, when we got back from school run in morning we both got into fresh pjs and stayed like that until afternoon school run.

I even did an important council meeting in my pjs, camera off, and spoke to a few head teachers on the phone while wearing my pjs today. Lol!!!

hardly anyone looks good in jogging bottoms

@AlecTrevelyan006

hardly anyone looks good in jogging bottoms

And?

@SuseB

A couple of months ago my DH (who has always been prone to anxiety and depression) had a mini breakdown and had to have time off work due to stress etc. The main 'symptoms' were him becoming increasingly fixated on what the children and I were doing or not doing around the house. It was when he wanted to put in place some fairly draconian rules about the children's behaviour that I suggested to him that the problem was more his stress than their (very normal) behaviour and that led to a real crash but ultimately he sought help and has addressed the issues. Much of his stress has been lockdown/Covid related, and down to the lack of normal interaction. What I mean to say is that an unreasonable focus on something that is rationally completely minor could be a symptom of depression/anxiety. They aren't easy conversations to have, but it might be a way to broach the topic - from the 'your reaction to this has gone beyond what's reasonable, what might be the reason for that' perspective. Teachers have been under a lot of stress and constantly shifting goalposts over the last year (not saying others haven't). I think a lot of people are going to have difficulty adjusting as the rules relax etc, it will take quite a while before we all feel more normal and secure. I just get the feeling with the storming out etc that it's not really about the question of clothes at all.

@DataColour, I think you should ponder what SuseB is saying, because it seems pretty likely to me.

"He has become increasingly controlling since covid started. He is becoming more and more frustrated with not being able to do things." It worries me that you and the children are bearing the brunt of his behaviour, and if he's at the stage of storming off - well, he's escalating, isn't he? Noticeably escalating. I'm really not trying to worry you, but - can you and the children go somewhere? Or can he?

I wear nice tracksuits or hoodies and leggings if I'm not going out - say it's raining and I want a lazy day. I wouldn't let any man stop me from being comfortable.
I learnt this from my son and his wife who practically live in that kind of gear and are very happy together. My ex husband was just so uptight.
However, I do absilutely draw the line at those awful huge slippers in the shape of dogs or the Simpsons, that's a big, fat, no.

Oh and for the few claiming it’s a class or North South divide thing...

I am middle class, live in lovely house just outside of London. Both DH and I are in professional management positions.

@jaundicedoutlook

Some odd comments and attitudes on this thread.

Lockdown aside, and if staying at home, when we get back from work we’ll change partly out of work clothes. DH will probably keep work shirt on, but remove tie and suit and put on a pair of casual trousers, but not pyjamas or jogging pants - that would just be slobbish. I’ll take off work clothes and put on similarly casual attire. The point being, don’t want to stay in clothes that have been worn all day and on the train, but equally don’t want to get ready for bed in the early evening.

There’s a balance here between having a bit of self respect/ not looking like slobs in front of the children vs not living in Edwardian England.

Balance? That's in short supply on this thread.

I have a good job in the city etc.

I haven't worn anything except comfy joggers etc for over a year (WFH).

I also have pretty much stopped wearing s bra. I just angle the camera so it shows me shoulders up.

I find the idea that DH wouldn't fancy me if I didn't 'make an effort' at home really grim tbh.

He's seen me drunk many times, in all sorts of ungainly ways during sex, in Labour, suffering pnd for years and putting on lots of weight and not caring about anything...

That's love isn't it? Surely.

@safiya7

Ok, trying to think through what might be going on here. OP, you say lockdown has really got to him. Maybe he just feels a bit like Groundhog Day as you’ve both been stuck home with kids for a year and he sees you (in his mind) in the same old jogging bottoms all the time. He wants a change. This is probably why he’s talking about you going away for some time together, etc.

Storming out of the house is ridiculous and telling you not to have a shower is most peculiar.

Having said this, I have never owned jogging bottoms or hoodies - this is not inevitable “round the house” wear. To be perfectly honest, I would feel a bit frumpy myself in that if it was every evening and I wouldn’t have that kind of thing on when DH comes in. I’m just being honest. I guess I do (subconsciously) factor in the way he sees me, even casually.

As it’s getting warmer, I wear dresses most days and these are more comfortable than joggers in the evenings as well. If I’m wearing skinny jeans or more formal clothes in the day, I’m more likely to get changed as I find this kind of thing less comfortable round the house. But I just wear something like a silk wrap or some silk pyjamas with shorts. It’s about as comfortable as you can get. Hoodies and joggers are obviously fine, but I can see why he might not want to see you in this all the time. In his mind, he might see this as you not being bothered about him enough to make the effort? I’m sure you can compromise here. I’ve told my DH I really don’t particularly like the look of his cycling gear and also when he’s been boxing he doesn’t sit around in those clothes either because I really don’t like it. You do have to factor in your partner (even just a little) because things can start to grate otherwise.

You sound as controlling as OP husband!

Get yourself to primark tomorrow op and stock up on the most garish animal print/Disney themed onesies you can find.

And wear them every day. Forever.

@AlecTrevelyan006

hardly anyone looks good in jogging bottoms

IMO hardly anyone looks good in skinny jeans or those godawful high-waisted monstrosities. But many people obviously like them, and I couldn’t care less what others wear. Shrug. And the OP’s DH has no right to dictate what she wears, even if he finds her choice unflattering.

@JetBlackSteed

He's the odd one not changing, surely? Everyone does. What does he stay "dressed" in? Office wear or jeans?

I don't change unless actively wet or dirty, but it's no -one's business but mine, just as it is no-one's business but OPs if she does.

Selective quoting given I'd said DH and I both realised it's been easy in lockdown to stop making an effort.

Didn’t selectively do anything. But ok, if you like, make an effort for what? To look nice for your wife? Who decided that’s something that’s important? My husband wears slouchy clothes and if how he looked to me was a feature of our marriage, he wouldn’t be in it.

The point being, wtf does “make an effort” mean and why is how either person in a couple looks relevant to a decent partnership.