DH not happy that I change clothes in the evening

[DataColour]

Not brave enough to put this in AIBU.

I'm sick of DH telling me off for changing into "lounge wear" typically a hoodie and trackie bottoms in the evening. He says I look nice during the day when I am at work ( casual dress code) but in the evening as the kids are going to bed 8-9pm I change out of day clothes. Isn't this normal? He wants me to stay "dressed" till I go to bed (which is what he does). I want to tell him to f off.
He's just stormed out of the house because I'd dare to put a pair of joggers and a hoodie on. I've had enough of his 1950s attitude. It really upsets me.

It annoys me that dh gets undressed and puts his dressing gown on at 8pm. To me the night is still young then. Disregarding covid I always think suppose a visitor arrives.

I don't think this is about clothes or "standards" or comfort.

It's about imposing your will on your partner.

The flashpoint is clothes at the moment but if the Op dresses as her partner wishes it will just move on to something else.

and for what its worth my mum was always dressed up very smart but everytime she got in she whipped off her bra and put on her dressing gown my df didnt care

The people I am talking about I actually know and have a fair idea of what goes on so yes, I am being judgemental but not based on superficial appearances ONLY

But you did though? That’s literally what you wrote. You directly correlates clothes and appearance with parental effort. And now you know them personally and they are in actual fact lazy no good parents? I’m not sure on that one, seems convenient.

Either way my point of they could be the best most energetic parent in joggers or leggings, just as much as some in jeans or skirts is still very valid. The clothes have no bearing on parenting.

@Moon90

I don't think both of you are wrong and I can see the two points, you want to be comfortable at home after work but he wants to see you in something other that lounge wear, maybey compromise a little so both are happy. He might just want to see that you still care enough to make an effort (in his eyes) to look nice for him and not in a sexiest way just so he can see that you want to look good for him still. I'm not good at explaining things 😂. Maybe a couple of time's a week dress nice for him and he will probably stop complaining and you can happily dress as comfortable as you want the rest of the week.

She's not a bloody barbie doll!

@Moon90

I just think it's nice to want to look good for each other, and not just let go of our self's once the relationship is comfortable 😂. When my partner walks about in sweat pants I istanly don't wanna sleep with him and its horrible to look at someone slouching in baggy cloths but each have their own preference and standards I guess.

Wearing PJs while at home is hardly letting yourself go

The flashpoint is clothes at the moment but if the Op dresses as her partner wishes it will just move on to something else.

Absolutely. For my Ex it then became about my weight, then my hair, then make up .......it'll never end.

@sadpapercourtesan

I find the "making an effort for everyone else, but not for your partner" argument interesting, because I see it completely the opposite way.

DH is a very private and shy person, and doesn't relax around people unless he knows them very, very well. I am the only adult who has seen him lounging around in a pair of underpants and a T-shirt. I am the only adult who sees him slobbing out in front of a movie with his hair not yet brushed for the day. I don't see that as him "not making an effort for me", I see it as intimacy and endearing, and I value it! Ditto he likes my silly pyjamas and he will smile and give me a spontaneous kiss if he sees me stumbling to the bathroom half-awake with my hair all over the place. Nobody else sees me like that.

Of course if we're going out, we'll make an effort and we will compliment each other on how well we scrub up!

I think the posters who find it insulting that their partner doesn't dress up for them on a normal evening in must have a level of formality and distance in their relationships that I wouldn't want, personally.

Yep agree with all that. Being so comfortable with a person is what makes them more special than the outside world not the other way round

I just think it's nice to want to look good for each other, and not just let go of our self's once the relationship is comfortable 😂. When my partner walks about in sweat pants I istanly don't wanna sleep with him and its horrible to look at someone slouching in baggy cloths but each have their own preference and standards I guess.

I guess some people are just quite shallow.......

@DelBocaVista

I just think it's nice to want to look good for each other, and not just let go of our self's once the relationship is comfortable 😂. When my partner walks about in sweat pants I istanly don't wanna sleep with him and its horrible to look at someone slouching in baggy cloths but each have their own preference and standards I guess.

I guess some people are just quite shallow.......

And some people are unnecessarily bitchy. Physical attraction, wanting to physically be with someone is at least partially based on how they look to you and we absolutely are allowed to have our preferences. Arguably we can't even help our preferences! Some go weak at idea of a man in a tux, others in a pair of workpants (me, Im partial to both . Equally some like big and burly, others slim, others blond, others dark. I personally think my fanny would shrink at the thought of shagging someone in a onesie (a onesie! ) and I am allowed to feel that way.

Bloody hell, I get in my PJs almost as soon as I get home, and DH is lucky if he gets dressed at all as he works from home during the week!! He doesn't even wear undies just PJs

Your DH sounds like a right knob who's only bothered about the superficial

Can you LTB? not joking

[quote theleafandnotthetree]@SilverGlassHare. I really hope you're being facetious. On the off chance you're not, you do know it's possible to have a great sense of comfort and ease and intimacy with your partner AND choose to mostly dress in normal non- loungewear clothes for a variety of reasons, including because you would prefer he thinks you look nice. If I saw my partner in a pair of those hideous grey soggy joggers on a regular basis, Ithink something in me would die, physical attraction, wanting your partner to like the look of you....these things are not superficial.[/quote]
@theleafandnotthetree my point was that it's ridiculous to imply that wearing PJs means you have no standards, as the PP I quoted did.

I love to see DH in a suit, he likes to see me dressed up. But because I love the whole of him, if he's in PJs at the end of the day, I don't stop fancying him. That's what love is - otherwise wouldn't we all fall out of love when our partners got old or their bodies changed because of illness or pregnancy etc?

And some people are unnecessarily bitchy. Physical attraction, wanting to physically be with someone is at least partially based on how they look to you and we absolutely are allowed to have our preferences. Arguably we can't even help our preferences! Some go weak at idea of a man in a tux, others in a pair of workpants (me, Im partial to both wink. Equally some like big and burly, others slim, others blond, others dark. I personally think my fanny would shrink at the thought of shagging someone in a onesie (a onesie! ) and I am allowed to feel that way.

Have you ever been in a relationship where someone told you they only found you attractive in certain clothes? It is shallow - at least own it!!

I had a husband who started by telling me he didn't like me in casual clothes ( and even went to the extreme of throwing clothes he didn't like in the bin!). That then moved on to monitoring my weight and what I ate, the then telling me he only found me attractive when I was blonde and preferably when my hair was tied up and when I had certain make up on.......thankfully he is now an ex but my self esteem was battered.

If you are married or in a long term relationship and your OH tells you they don't find you attractive and wouldn't have sex with you for wearing certain clothing then you've got some pretty serious issues.

@DelBocaVista I couldn't agree more.

I am the only adult who sees him slobbing out in front of a movie with his hair not yet brushed for the day. I don't see that as him "not making an effort for me", I see it as intimacy and endearing, and I value it!

I agree with this, letting someone see the real you (warts and all) is intimacy.

Some of you are confused between

“ I like wearing X because of Y reason” and

“All other women should dress the same as me and if they don’t then it’s ok for their partner to bully / nag them until they do so’.

I’d say it’s normal to change into comfy clothes some evenings. I often pop my pjs on after a shower or bath in the evening. If I’m not on camera during the day I wear my joggers all day!! Your DH would bloody hate me.

Tell him to F off.
Or provide for you so you can be a housewife. Can’t have it both ways.

I totally agree with this. You work, so you need to relax in comfortable clothes of your choosing when you are home. Sorry OP, I don't know what if anything will get him out of this army-like rigidity regarding clothing.

I'm amused by all these people that HAVE to change into comfy clothes as soon as they get in. My usual clothes are comfy (without being joggers or lounge wear) as why would I wear uncomfortable clothes? Are you all wearing Guardsman uniform complete with bearskin hat?
The only thing I change is shoes for indoor 9nee.

Love this 😂

@DataColour

I'm going to buy more loungewear online today.

I meant I love this 🤣

@LalalalalalaLand123

Tell him to F off. Or provide for you so you can be a housewife. Can’t have it both ways.

I totally agree with this. You work, so you need to relax in comfortable clothes of your choosing when you are home. Sorry OP, I don't know what if anything will get him out of this army-like rigidity regarding clothing.

I think the rigidity is the problem more than anything else. So many men seem to develop this 'my way or the highway' approach as a relationship wears on and it isn't healthy. Mine did this; his manifested as controlling behaviour towards our DDs and really distorted thinking around how children 'should' be raised (i.e. the way his parents did it).

There's nothing wrong with dinner on the sofa every so often. There's nothing wrong with comfy clothes. Some things don't need a knife and fork to eat (ribs/chicken wings/soup/ice cream). There is only very rarely one correct or appropriate way to do something. If one person in the relationship thinks that there is, and it's their way, then you're in trouble.

Just give in... and tell him to fuck off!

It's nothing to do with him what you wear. It sounds a little controlling

Mine go on when I come in. Sod waiting until bedtime!

I take ds swim training a few evenings and also mornings.

Morning days I wear lounge wear until I get dressed for work to take him and collect him and then put it on when I get in again.

Evening swim days I stay in PJs until I get dressed for work and then come home and put lounge wear on.

He needs to sort his attitude out!

@BruceAndNosh

I'm amused by all these people that HAVE to change into comfy clothes as soon as they get in. My usual clothes are comfy (without being joggers or lounge wear) as why would I wear uncomfortable clothes? Are you all wearing Guardsman uniform complete with bearskin hat? The only thing I change is shoes for indoor 9nee.

I wear professional business dress when I’m in the office. It’s not especially comfortable for sitting around the house, though I don’t feel uncomfortable at my desk as I’m usually thinking about my work. When I get home, I do often just get into casual clothing - not my sleepwear but leggings and a hoodie. So does DH. Luckily we both prioritise each other’s comfort and happiness, and fancy each other whatever we’re wearing.

But perhaps I’m shallow too because I wouldn’t like it if DH was unwashed or hadn’t cleaned his teeth. Maybe some of you would argue it’s the same thing?