DH not happy that I change clothes in the evening

[DataColour]

Not brave enough to put this in AIBU.

I'm sick of DH telling me off for changing into "lounge wear" typically a hoodie and trackie bottoms in the evening. He says I look nice during the day when I am at work ( casual dress code) but in the evening as the kids are going to bed 8-9pm I change out of day clothes. Isn't this normal? He wants me to stay "dressed" till I go to bed (which is what he does). I want to tell him to f off.
He's just stormed out of the house because I'd dare to put a pair of joggers and a hoodie on. I've had enough of his 1950s attitude. It really upsets me.

@Popcornbetty

'I have children and amazingly, managed to look after them, cook, bathe them, play with them including up and down slides etc in things other than joggers, leggings, or pyjamas. Like you know, most people have done forever and still do outside the world of mumsnet.'

Most Mums i know wear jeans and leggins, I'm very active with my young dc but don't wear a ball gown whilst doing it. i also wear a lot of leggins as they are comfortable and easy to stick on for the school run so shoot me now! Infact i have leggins on right now 😂

Yes because a ballgown and jeans are EXACTLY equivelent. Talk about hyperbole. I am also very active with mine (well less so as they get older naturally), amongst the most active of anyone I know, but did it in normal proper clothes the vast majority of the time.

easy to fall into a habit of not making much of an effort.

And effort for what? To look nice for your husband? Who has decided that is something one must make an effort for? I have always worn comfy clothes in the house. I recall DD at 3 asking where we were going because I was wearing jeans. I find tailored clothes incredibly uncomfortable. I always have, even as a child. School uniform was horrible for me to wear. Lockdown has been great as I don’t have to force myself into clothes I know will bother me and make me lose focus every day.

My husband would never ask me to dress differently to “make an effort” for him and I’d never want to. If any part of our marriage is based on him deciding how I look was important, I’d be leaving it behind.

The clothes aren't the issue here, it's OP's husband's controlling nature and complete lack of respect for anyone who isn't him.

Exactly. It really doesn't matter if other people choose to wear a ball gown and a tiara while they do housework. The issue is that the OP's husband wants to dictate things that are none of his business. He even tries to control what she watches on TV even though he doesn't want to watch TV himself. She's an adult, she can wear what she likes, shower when she chooses, watch anything she cares to.

The PPs who continue to state that they are perfectly comfortable in jeans or suits have spectacularly missed the point.

[quote Notonthestairs]@theleafandnotthetree you are missing the point - presumably you choose your own clothes as should the Op. [/quote]
Im not really writing in response to the OPs dilemma as such - her husband sounds uptight and controlling and an asshole and of course she shouldn't have to put up with his nonsense about what she wears - moreso to the notion that anyone who does anything other than wear lounge wear at home is a wierdo, a Stepford wife or uptight

And effort for what? To look nice for your husband? Who has decided that is something one must make an effort for?
Selective quoting given I'd said DH and I both realised it's been easy in lockdown to stop making an effort.
You've also ignored the fact that I said the OP's husband was categorically wrong to be sulking or thinking he can dictate her clothes.

I'm not entirely sure how you've read my post and somehow that's turned into whether it's right to look nice for your husband. It somewhat misses the point that we both think it's good to make an effort for each other by not going straight to slouchy clothing.

To be honest, I don’t think my husband would be super-impressed if he came home every day and I was in the same jogging bottoms. I think a lot of men might comment on that - some sooner than others. This thread has made me think because there have been times in the winter when I get in from the school run about 5pm and I just want to put the fire on and wear a fluffy dressing gown. But I don’t because I don’t want to present like old mother Hubbard or whoever when he gets in, or like he’s walking into a nursing home. So I’ve realised I do factor these things into the evening. I have never owned jogging bottoms, just leggings etc for running or the gym. Some people wear their sports clothes all day, morning to night.

To be honest OH never cared if I changed when I got home into whatever after a shower it was what I wore to bed that interested him if we are being frank.

Some people are very aggressive about their choices here!

I choose to wear clothes that my DH doesn't dislike. No, not hot pants and spaghetti straps (which would look hideous on me) but not tracksuit bottoms or pyjamas. Similarly, he doesn't wear sports gear after he's finished doing sports because I prefer him in other clothes. We respect each other and try to please each other. It's not a one-way street and we are happily married.

My closest friends all wear normal clothes until they go to bed. It's simply not the case that everyone immediately gets in to trackies/pyjamas as soon as they get home. I never did this as a child, nor did any of my family (including my dad who did a manual job) nor any of my friends.

However, as has been said before, sounds like there are bigger problems in this relationship than clothes.

Muting the thread now so I won't be seeing any "ooh back to the 1950s you sad oppressed creature" comments.

I find the "making an effort for everyone else, but not for your partner" argument interesting, because I see it completely the opposite way.

DH is a very private and shy person, and doesn't relax around people unless he knows them very, very well. I am the only adult who has seen him lounging around in a pair of underpants and a T-shirt. I am the only adult who sees him slobbing out in front of a movie with his hair not yet brushed for the day. I don't see that as him "not making an effort for me", I see it as intimacy and endearing, and I value it! Ditto he likes my silly pyjamas and he will smile and give me a spontaneous kiss if he sees me stumbling to the bathroom half-awake with my hair all over the place. Nobody else sees me like that.

Of course if we're going out, we'll make an effort and we will compliment each other on how well we scrub up!

I think the posters who find it insulting that their partner doesn't dress up for them on a normal evening in must have a level of formality and distance in their relationships that I wouldn't want, personally.

@InvincibleInvisibility we were the same as our going out clothes were kept nice for going out! If we weren't seeing anyone that day we'd be in comfy clothes and we'd always change out of school uniform. My mum had housework clothes too so that her going out clothes didn't get messed up!

It’s fine to have different standards/opinions I don’t think the things he wants are that drastic. However, the huffing and sulking is NOT ok! Not ok at all. He needs to grow up.

My dad is a bit like this, but then my mum likes being a 50s housewife... but I recognise the kids PJs thing from my childhood. Weekends were always run with a military precision 🙄

I don't know what to say. He's not going to change his views if he's one of those people who thinks lounge wear is lazy and uncouth. Can you handle it for another 20+ years?

Unbelievable, who does he think he is?

sadpapercourtesan
I think it's about balance.
Some days it's nice to come in and get into slouchy lounge clothes, other times it's nice to be in other day clothes, some days we wear our scruffy gardening clothes, or gym wear, other days we make an effort. I'd describe most of my clothes as comfortable and certainly not formal.

It doesn't have to be either/or.

I would have thought it was even more important to change out of work things at the moment, so you can put them straight in the wash. He must have very little to worry about if such a small thing bothers him so much. You should be able to be as comfy as you like in your own home.

@Moon90

I just think it's nice to want to look good for each other, and not just let go of our self's once the relationship is comfortable 😂. When my partner walks about in sweat pants I istanly don't wanna sleep with him and its horrible to look at someone slouching in baggy cloths but each have their own preference and standards I guess.

Yes, true - some people love and fancy their partners on a deeper, emotional level, and some people are more superficial and only care about appearances. Each have their own preference and standards I guess. 😂

@sadpapercourtesan what a lovely endearing way of summing it up. I agree it is definitely something special when it comes with intimacy.

@Lachimolala

To be honest, around here it's the lazier parents that are the ones in the joggers, pj pants etc. Theyre not in them because they want to spring into life with their kids so far as I see.

How horribly judgmental, you have no idea why people wear the clothes they do.

The people I am talking about I actually know and have a fair idea of what goes on so yes, I am being judgemental but not based on superficial appearances ONLY. As for someone talking about someone judging me for manicures and designer handbags, I have never had either nor do I wear makeup. Today I am wearing Florence and Fred jeans, a top from Primark and Converse.

@sadpapercourtesan

I find the "making an effort for everyone else, but not for your partner" argument interesting, because I see it completely the opposite way.

DH is a very private and shy person, and doesn't relax around people unless he knows them very, very well. I am the only adult who has seen him lounging around in a pair of underpants and a T-shirt. I am the only adult who sees him slobbing out in front of a movie with his hair not yet brushed for the day. I don't see that as him "not making an effort for me", I see it as intimacy and endearing, and I value it! Ditto he likes my silly pyjamas and he will smile and give me a spontaneous kiss if he sees me stumbling to the bathroom half-awake with my hair all over the place. Nobody else sees me like that.

Of course if we're going out, we'll make an effort and we will compliment each other on how well we scrub up!

I think the posters who find it insulting that their partner doesn't dress up for them on a normal evening in must have a level of formality and distance in their relationships that I wouldn't want, personally.

I agree with this. I think your relationship sounds idyllic @sadpapercourtesan

@LolaSmiles I do agree with you, it's not either/or. I have days where I feel I need to make more effort, sometimes a bit of lipstick and a nice dress even , especially if I'm in the early stages of staving off depression. DH would notice and tell me I looked lovely, but it's not an expectation on his part, and he wouldn't be disappointed, angry or find me less attractive on a day where I'm in leggings and a baggy t shirt. I find it really weird that couples have that dynamic, it seems so non-intimate.

@LolaSmiles

sadpapercourtesan I think it's about balance. Some days it's nice to come in and get into slouchy lounge clothes, other times it's nice to be in other day clothes, some days we wear our scruffy gardening clothes, or gym wear, other days we make an effort. I'd describe most of my clothes as comfortable and certainly not formal.

It doesn't have to be either/or.

Exactly, why the hyperbole and binary thinking.

sadpapercourtesan your DH sounds nice.

Maybe I'm being charitable, but I think most people who are talking about making an effort aren't suggesting they are expecting formality or that they would stop finding their partner attractive if they wore comfy clothes one evening, more that it would put them off if their partner stopped making any effort.

For a brief moment I thought he was objecting to changing for dinner.

@DataColour

Catching up on all the replies this morning. Didn't expect such a response! He won't be told he's wrong though. He can never do wrong.

I don't think his family are like this. I've known them for over 20yrs of course, although we do live in different areas of the UK. I have often seen his mum and dad in their dressing gowns. They are not as rigid as him.

His other rigid ideas controlling habits
Not allowed to eat on sofas
Always need a plate for food
Kids MUST always use both knife AND fork for all meals
He's not that into watching TV but tries to control what I watch in the evening/sulks if I'm watching something he's not into (which is most of TV). We have another room he can go to and read his book, he dones't have to be in the same room as the TV.
Constantly tells me off for my dumping my clothes in the warbrobe without properly hanging them up, folding them away - this only applies to a few clothes at a time, everything else is shelved and hung up neatly.

I'm sure there's more, but I'm off to catch up on the replies.

sorry but this is much more than telling you what to wear controlling what you watch how you eat

this isnt normal and you know it isnt

@SilverGlassHare. I really hope you're being facetious. On the off chance you're not, you do know it's possible to have a great sense of comfort and ease and intimacy with your partner AND choose to mostly dress in normal non- loungewear clothes for a variety of reasons, including because you would prefer he thinks you look nice. If I saw my partner in a pair of those hideous grey soggy joggers on a regular basis, Ithink something in me would die, physical attraction, wanting your partner to like the look of you....these things are not superficial.