It’s interesting that he hates what you’re wearing, but is still keen to have “couple time” which I assume is a euphemism for sex. It’s obviously not that much of a turn off.
PP mentioned the only other women who’s husband controlled her clothes, well my boyfriend controlled mine. and my make up, and my weight, and pretty much everything else.
I still own the grey sweat hoodie I bought soon after we separated because it was so significant.
21 years is a good innings, if he’s starting to be like this with the children too, it sounds as if you’re a fair way down a slippery slope. Can you imagine what he’ll be like with teenagers? What will your life be like once the kids have left home?
Don’t be lulled into thinking that after 21 years you’ve seen the worst of him, if he’s already stopping you washing as often as you would like, I’d say you’re already in an abusive relationship.
It’s insidious. Keep a close eye, and try and figure out what your limits would be. The frog in hot water analogy is apposite in this situation. You don’t really notice, until you look back and realise wtf has changed in the last, say, 10 years.