DH taking pics without asking

[sierrahotelindigotango]

Long term lurker, first ever post. Been happily married for nearly ten years, together over 15 years. I've noticed recently that DH will sneakily take photos and or videos while we're having sex without asking or telling me. Is this normal / okay? No other issues in our relationship really. He's very respectful and loving generally. We have four kids and full on jobs running our own business so sex isn't as often as we'd both like... I don't know if I'm just being a prude or not.

Couldn’t commit how it would make me feel to world sorry for the typo

Thank you to everyone who has replied and given advice. It's a lot to process. I hadn't thought about the possibility of him sharing them or that this was as serious as it seems it is, even though my gut told me it was wrong.

Sweet Jesus this is horrific.

Of course he knows what he is doing is incredibly wrong or he would be openly suggesting it to get your consent. But he isn't getting your consent, he is doing it on the sly as he gets off on it and knows you wouldn't want him to do it in the first place.

I swear to god, if I looked down and saw my husband had a phone camera between my legs and was filming me against my will during sex I would go absolutely apoplectic! He would be reported to the police and made to suffer every possible consequence for violating my trust, my boundaries and being a filthy perve.

OP this is not normal. Not in a million years. But it's sadly an increasing trend. There is a name for it, and forums exist where men upload videos and Camera footage of women that are unaware of being filmed. I think it's called molka and in this country it's illegal but there are still hundreds and thousands of videos in very active forums.

What your husband is doing is ILEGAL. How do you know her isn't filming your kids in the bathroom fgs? I feel sick just thinking about it.

@sierrahotelindigotango sorry you’re facing this. I think you need to ask him to make time to sit down and discuss this when you have privacy and space.

Why has he done it
What is he doing with the images
How is he protecting your privacy
Do they go to a cloud anywhere
Do you believe what he says?

Personally I could not live with this. It makes me feel violated

[quote RedFrogsRule]@sierrahotelindigotango sorry you’re facing this. I think you need to ask him to make time to sit down and discuss this when you have privacy and space.

Why has he done it
What is he doing with the images
How is he protecting your privacy
Do they go to a cloud anywhere
Do you believe what he says?

Personally I could not live with this. It makes me feel violated[/quote]
The problem is he is NOT protecting her privacy ATALL. On the contrary, he is violating it in every possible way.

So gross
Tell him you not into it and to delete every one of them

Your husband is a fucking pig, and I would bet my house he is sharing the pics online. How you can even be in the same house as him is beyond me.

Op it seems as if you needed confirmation that taking photos of you without your consent is wrong. I am wondering if there are other issues within your relationship that you are uncomfortable with?

@Motnight broadly everything is okay. He's very affectionate and loving towards me. That's what makes this incredibly hard to understand.

There was a poster on here a few weeks ago, who's husband was secretly taking pictures and posting them on a website for other 'husbands' get off on. No doubt he was getting off on pics of their wives too- that's the point.

Some photos showed her face and one bloke tracked her down on fb and messaged her. Her husband had been doing this for years and she had no idea there were intimate photos and videos all over the internet.

It's not ok, and it needs more than just a chat in response. It is a form is sexual assault and should be treated as such. He has no right to take or hold images of you that you didn't consent to - and there are NO valid excuses.

If you can get his phone there is some kind of reverse image search you can do to see if he has uploaded it anywhere, I'm sure someone here can tell you how

You can, but I wouldn't recommend it. You can right click on an image in google and it will search for similar images, but it can be fairly generic. In this case, it's likely to search for naked women in compromising positions. I really wouldn't do this.

OP I agree with everyone else. You are not over-reacting and this is not remotely OK.

My mouth actually opened in shock when I read this.

Not normal. Not okay. Really, really not okay.

Bring this up with him at the soonest possible opportunity.

[quote sierrahotelindigotango]@Motnight broadly everything is okay. He's very affectionate and loving towards me. That's what makes this incredibly hard to understand. [/quote]
Affectionate and loving?

I think you thought he was. It’s OK to feel blindsided by him and his atrocious behaviour but love and affection inhabit different planets to the matter you now find yourself dealing with because of him

For fucks sake. No it’s not okay it’s illegal. He’s not a good man he’s a fucking weirdo.

‘ He's very affectionate and loving towards me. That's what makes this incredibly hard to understand.’

Said ever abused women ever. It’s how these men work and continuously get away with their shitty behaviour.
What he’s done is beyond wrong.

Call the police.

I’d also check your bedroom for hidden cameras. This is the tip of the iceberg. Does he have a laptop with a front facing camera. Is it ever in the bedroom?

No, laptops stay in the office. I'll do a thorough search tomorrow though for anything hidden.

I appreciate that from the outside looking in I look naive at best, stupid at worst, but until this happens in what you feel is a normal, respectful and happy relationship it's incredibly hard to get your head round. I hope you can see that but I do appreciate the support and strength of feeling about this.

Don’t blame yourself, at all. He has taken advantage of you. He has committed a crime.

Can you access his phone? In a subtle way? My first thought would be Reddit. See if he has the app.

Illegal as well as a whole host of other nasties.
He is over any boundary...well over. Men have been sent to prison for this.
Have a good think of what is acceptabl. This is not.

He does have Reddit

You don’t seem naive or stupid and I’m sorry if the strength of responses have made you feel like that.

I know it’s not my place to speak for everyone on this thread but no one is judging you at all. They are just shocked and appalled by your husband’s behaviour . As many PP have said, this is a criminal offence and a terrible way to treat someone who loves and trusts you.

Posters are shocked and very concerned about your privacy and welfare.

@sierrahotelindigotango

I appreciate that from the outside looking in I look naive at best, stupid at worst, but until this happens in what you feel is a normal, respectful and happy relationship it's incredibly hard to get your head round. I hope you can see that but I do appreciate the support and strength of feeling about this.

You have done nothing wrong Being loving and trusting then discovering this doesn’t make you inherently naive and certainly not stupid. You are in shock.

Thank you. Yes I think I'm probably in a bit of shock and what I've tried to ignore is now hitting me like a tonne of bricks.

I completely agree that taking photos without permission is absolutely wrong (and illegal). But you have done it before and there are no other problems in the relationship and IF you can prove he has only kept them for himself and not uploaded them anywhere then maybe a way forward might be found?

But serious words need to be had and he need understand the seriousness of the situation.