DH taking pics without asking

[sierrahotelindigotango]

Long term lurker, first ever post. Been happily married for nearly ten years, together over 15 years. I've noticed recently that DH will sneakily take photos and or videos while we're having sex without asking or telling me. Is this normal / okay? No other issues in our relationship really. He's very respectful and loving generally. We have four kids and full on jobs running our own business so sex isn't as often as we'd both like... I don't know if I'm just being a prude or not.

@sierrahotelindigotango

I haven't brought it up yet. I didn't know it was illegal and i have no idea if he's doing anything with them or how I'd find out.

I wouldn't even care about the illegal part (well, obviously I would, but not the first thing I'd react to)

The second I realised this I would lose my shit & it would be over. It would be an utter deal-breaker for me.

@sierrahotelindigotango

No I didn't - I know that sounds odd but I didn't want to talk about it with him without knowing if I was over reacting or not.

This is so sad to read OP. That you weren't sure if it was ok or if you were over-reacting.

What do you want to do?

I think I need to talk to him about it

He might not realise how it's made me feel

I think you need to consider talking to the police before alerting him.

Wtf. I'd go fucking mad if this happened to me

Oh OP 😳

He might not realise how it's made me feel

Unless he's lacking a brain, of course he doesn't think that surreptitiously taking photos, without your permission, for a purpose that doesn't involve you, is going to make you feel anything good.

He's done an awful thing. For me, there'd me no way back.

I think you talk to him about how he has violated you, in the strongest terms.

It's wrong and he knows it. That's why he is not telling you and being sneaky about it.

@sierrahotelindigotango

He might not realise how it's made me feel

If he thought it was fine, he would have asked or said. He knows it's not fine.

It's good you checked in here first and understand the enormity of it before he minimises it.

If you can get his phone there is some kind of reverse image search you can do to see if he has uploaded it anywhere, I'm sure someone here can tell you how, I would personally do this before confronting so you know the extent of what you are confronting him over, also he could clean up his phone if you confront him so you'll lose the chance.

@sierrahotelindigotango

He might not realise how it's made me feel

Why is he not doing this openly? Because he knows it's wrong. Probably knows it's illegal - and probably sharing them somewhere.

This is a very serious breach of trust OP.

A long time ago (pre kids!) we did film ourselves having sex a few times which I was totally onboard with and maybe he thinks because of this that I'd be okay with it. Where do men post this stuff if they do share it?

@Rewis

It's not ok unless you have given a concent. It sounds like you at a bit ok with it, therefore it is not ok.

This was suppose to say "you are not ok with it". Stupid auto correct

So he's taking pictures/videos mid sex?

You say he only does it when your back is facing him but if you see him doing it surely he can see that you see him?

Do you think he knows you can see what he's doing?

I hope you get some answers from him

Sierra, he has robbed you of your consent by taking explicit photos of you without your permission. I wonder how he would he feel if your children were exploited in this way by their future partners?

I heard him reach for something and I looked between my legs and saw the phone and a few weeks ago I saw a load of pictures of me on his camera roll that I didn't know he'd taken. I know I sound ridiculous.

I would suggest you familiarise yourself with all the porn sites your husband can upload to.

He could be sending to friends, some men are like that 🤷‍♀️

Very concerning behaviour. It is a major betrayal and I would be really worried about what he is doing with them.

I am so so sorry.

You do not sound ridiculous. This has happened to me. It's horrific and it shakes your whole world and everything you think you know.

I can't give much advice I'm afraid as I let my H get away with it, other than to say don't let him get away with it.

Op don’t make excuses for him! Unless he has almost zero mental capacity, of course he’s aware that there’s a very big difference between filming a few videos together in the past, and taking photos of someone performing sex acts without their knowledge or consent. This goes a little bit past him being inconsiderate of your feelings. If you phoned the police he’d be arrested, charged and likely put on the sex offenders register.

Major concern! Outrageous behaviour.

No, absolutely not ok. He should have asked you.

@scaredsadandstuck I'm sorry this happened to you too. I know what it looks like in black and white but it's not easy to process in reality. I hope you're okay.

@WindowsSmindows

It's illegal, that's your starting point.

Absolutely this

Since you feel rightly creeped out and violated perhaps you need to decide what this means for you. For me it would be taking the matter further.

It’s such a transgression I couldn’t commit how it would me to words other than probably call the Police.

Utterly digusting