DH taking pics without asking

[sierrahotelindigotango]

Long term lurker, first ever post. Been happily married for nearly ten years, together over 15 years. I've noticed recently that DH will sneakily take photos and or videos while we're having sex without asking or telling me. Is this normal / okay? No other issues in our relationship really. He's very respectful and loving generally. We have four kids and full on jobs running our own business so sex isn't as often as we'd both like... I don't know if I'm just being a prude or not.

Ugh.
So gross

Id want the police to handle this I think. They'll be better equipped to do the image searches you need on the internet and they'll know more/all of the sites. If he's shared it even once, even if it's just with a mate it could be anywhere.

@sierrahotelindigotango

I've had similar happen to me. Pictures of my Vagina while I was asleep. I'm still here currently (I found them 5 months ago) but I can't let him touch me. They're not the only ones, but they are the ones I found.

I'd love to say it gets easier but every time we slip back in to "normal" I remember what happened and it hits me like a tonne of bricks again.

Please please tell him you know and ask him to tell you why. My H wouldn't tell me why for weeks and I think that was the worst part, there was no justification (not that there is any) to his behaviour and he totally denied me any reasoning.

I've tried to look for websites where these things are posted but I have been unsuccessful, you can do a reverse image search on Google. But you have to be able to cross that line of putting a picture of yourself in a vulnerable position on the screen to see if it's been shared elsewhere. Something I am unable to do personally.

I really wish you all the best, it's awful, absolutely awful and you have all my sympathy

Respectful to your face, otherwise not.

His actions - no matter his words- are an absolute breech of trust.

This is a massive red flag about his standards & values, & I suggest that you double check your assumptions that he is trustworthy about other matters such as finances.

Sorry if this has been posted but why is he doing it covertly? I quite like DH taking naughty pics but the turn on for me is knowing he's doing it. I would find it very disturbing if he was doing it secretly. Is it possible he's signed up to swinging sites? We chatted to a guy for a while before we realised his wife had no idea what was going on even though he'd pretended she did.

@sierrahotelindigotango

He does have Reddit

If you can face it. Access his phone. Check Reddit app history.

Im so sorry, what an abuse of your trust

@whatdooidoo I'm sorry - it's a horrifying realisation and I do feel violated - more so now I am worried about what all this stuff could potentially be. Did he give you a reason?

I don't know why @TooManyAnimals94 I only really suspected it until recently. I have been mulling it over for a few days and wondering if I'm just being sensitive but I can see from the replies to my post that I'm not.

I know calling the police is what I would advise but I have four children, a home, a business / a whole life to lose here. I would be detonating a bomb under my whole life. I know that bomb is of his making but I just need to be thoughtful about how I deal with it.

OP I am so sorry this has happened to you. I too have had a similar experience although not during sex. Towards the end of my marriage I asked my ex to show me something on his phone during yet another argument about him texting other women, and noticed a private folder which I made him open. Along with pics of his latest conquest and hotel booking confirmations there were approx. 15 pics of me naked and asleep. He had been pulling the covers back during the night and taking pics.

The police did take it seriously, but ironically only on my second attempt at reporting it. The first police officer suggested that as we were married, I couldn't really object. (Lady officer mid 40's) and the second officer disagreed completely (male officer early 20s who was quite disgusted that someone would do this) and gave my ex a warning about voyeurism, and that if he distributed them it would be an different offence which I cant remember the name of. He confirmed he deleted them all but I've never been sure if they'll turn up one day on the internet.

Its such an invasion of privacy, and in my personal opinion, joint agreement on filming and intimate event is radically different from someone secretly filming you whilst you're vulnerable without your consent. I'd put money on this being for dodgy reasons such as wanting to upload them to a porn site :(

It's not so much the taking pictures... whatever floats your boat... but the 'not asking' is definitely not ok! I would not be happy even if he says they were for personal use. Why not ask you?

This isn’t something most men do
It’s not ok
Detonate the bomb because you need to be safe

@sierrahotelindigotango how about showing him this thread?

Sorry you are living this Sierra
As other posts show it takes time.
This is a massive betrayal, huge. You need time to process what he has done.

The more I read in here about men the more disturbed I get. And yes, 99.9% of the time it is men. Men who disrespect and abuse their wives sexually. I don’t know if I’ve lead a sheltered life but I’m surprised and saddened by the amount who behave like this in marriages and to people they supposedly love.

OP you know this isn’t right. What is his intention here?

@RosaLuxemb0urg

Not a good idea
He could be angry or violent
Don’t show him the thread

Unforgivable! I would never go near him again

OP I am so sorry - this is just beyond disgusting.

Where is he sharing these images?

@Serendipity79 I'm so sorry. You were incredibly brave to report it and get it dealt with.

The more I read in here about men the more disturbed I get. And yes, 99.9% of the time it is men.

Of the people who do these things 99% are men, but that doesn't mean that 99% of all men would.

@speakout I don't know if he is sharing them or not.

He knows he is doing something wrong. There is a reason he does it secretly and you don't 'know' he does it. If it was innocent he would be talking about taking pictures as part of sex. But he does it secretly. You need to ask him why, and what he is playing at. What he is doing is a betrayal of you in one of the worst ways, it's a betrayal of your trust, and your bodily autonomy.

He's never been violent or even close to it. He is the most gentle, sensitive man I know. It's very hard to accept that it's the same person doing this.

You absolutely need to involve the police today. Its highly likely as well that your own sweep of the bedroom (and the bathroom) could have missed hidden devices.

He's clearly not the man you think he is

This is horrifying OP. I would be talking to Women’s Aid for advice and then seriously considering calling the police.

I really hope that he’s not sharing the images, but sadly I wouldn’t be surprised. On the one hand I can understand confronting him to hear what the fuck he thinks he’s playing at, but alerting him might let him cover his tracks and delete things.

So sorry you’re going through this OP, he’s clearly not the man you thought he was.