Page 13 | DH taking pics without asking

sierrahotelindigotango · 2021-05-04T20:14:02+00:00

Long term lurker, first ever post. Been happily married for nearly ten years, together over 15 years. I've noticed recently that DH will sneakily take photos and or videos while we're having sex without asking or telling me. Is this normal / okay? No other issues in our relationship really. He's very respectful and loving generally. We have four kids and full on jobs running our own business so sex isn't as often as we'd both like... I don't know if I'm just being a prude or not.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2021 18:41

DO NOT SHOW HIM THIS THREAD

That's the last thing OP should do to a man who is taking pictures of her during sex without her consent.

He knows it's wrong, which is why he is doing it without her consent and (he thinks) without her knowledge.

OP should not let on that she knows about this until she has had time to process it with professionals and get support IRL.

Showing someone abusive a thread like this is at best foolish and at worst dangerous.

I'm so sorry OP, thinking of you

Original poster

sierrahotelindigotango · 05/05/2021 19:44

@loveyourself2020 thank you for your comforting words.

Many of the posts have been hard to read but I do understand where people are coming from and why. I just have to manage this as calmly as I can and speaking to a trainer counsellor / expert in this kind of behaviour is where I need to start.

I'm a dreadful people pleaser, stemming from a difficult childhood. So I feel like this situation IS in part my fault for not calling him out on it at the times I've seen the pics or suspected or seen him filming or taking photos, and on reflection this is because I don't like upsetting people and fear rejection and really wondered if I was being a prude and this is just what people in trusting relationships do. I know that's not the case now.

Part of me wonders if maybe he thinks I know and thinks my silence on the matter is consent.

Lots of stuff to work through here. Urgh.

OP posts:

NameChange2PostThis · 05/05/2021 20:05

@sierrahotelindigotango this must feel overwhelming. I’m so sorry and I’m so glad you are going to get expert support.

Please don’t feel the need to update us unless you want to. We are all on your side. We will be here when you need a hand hold.

BertramLacey · 05/05/2021 20:05

I’m going to speak to a specialist about how to proceed from here.

I think that's a great idea. Whilst most people have the best intentions, you'll get conflicting advice on threads like this, some of which probably borders on being dangerous. It's nigh-on impossible to tell the genuine experts from the self-proclaimed experts. You're much better off getting in touch with people whose qualifications and experience you can verify.

ButtonMoonLoon · 05/05/2021 20:50

Could you let your phone run out of battery and ask a family member to call you on his. He’ll pass the phone over to you to take the call then you can disappear with it to the loo or somewhere else private to see what’s on there. So long as you look at photos/ open Reddit whilst the call is still active you shouldn’t need his passcode.

lucy5236 · 05/05/2021 21:04

So sorry to be reading all of this OP. I've not got any advice that hasn't already been said but I agree about speaking to an expert. You're being so strong!

One question for PPs though, what is the significance or Reddit? I don't understand what it's used for?? Sometimes when I google something the results shown Reddit posts and it seems like a straightforward and harmless forum. Or is that because I'm only seeing selected posts related to my innocent and boring Google searches?

Doomsdayiscoming · 05/05/2021 21:09

@lucy5236

So sorry to be reading all of this OP. I've not got any advice that hasn't already been said but I agree about speaking to an expert. You're being so strong!

One question for PPs though, what is the significance or Reddit? I don't understand what it's used for?? Sometimes when I google something the results shown Reddit posts and it seems like a straightforward and harmless forum. Or is that because I'm only seeing selected posts related to my innocent and boring Google searches?

It’s rammed with pretty unsavoury things.

If he uses the app, 99% chance he frequents the “adult” content.

Doomsdayiscoming · 05/05/2021 21:09

@ButtonMoonLoon

Could you let your phone run out of battery and ask a family member to call you on his. He’ll pass the phone over to you to take the call then you can disappear with it to the loo or somewhere else private to see what’s on there. So long as you look at photos/ open Reddit whilst the call is still active you shouldn’t need his passcode.

Jackpot. This is genius.

ButtonMoonLoon · 05/05/2021 21:20

One thing though, if you do go down that route, make sure you put your own phone on silent and take it with you so that you can take photos of what you see, or you could send screenshots to your own phone or email and save them, I suppose. Having evidence of what he’s (potentially) uploaded could be useful.

Deathgrip · 05/05/2021 21:43

@lucy5236

So sorry to be reading all of this OP. I've not got any advice that hasn't already been said but I agree about speaking to an expert. You're being so strong!

One question for PPs though, what is the significance or Reddit? I don't understand what it's used for?? Sometimes when I google something the results shown Reddit posts and it seems like a straightforward and harmless forum. Or is that because I'm only seeing selected posts related to my innocent and boring Google searches?

Reddit has “subreddits” for every conceivable topic, a bit like the MN forum has lots of boards. Many are completely harmless - I am part of a few that share artwork for example, and there’s often good content if you’re really into a TV show or documentary.

Sadly it’s also riddled with really disgusting subreddits, some of which are massively misogynistic and pornographic. It takes a lot for Reddit to shut down a subreddit as it’s basically supposed to be run by the users.

TheresNothingIWantMore · 05/05/2021 21:44

@ButtonMoonLoon

Could you let your phone run out of battery and ask a family member to call you on his. He’ll pass the phone over to you to take the call then you can disappear with it to the loo or somewhere else private to see what’s on there. So long as you look at photos/ open Reddit whilst the call is still active you shouldn’t need his passcode.

Just tested this, it doesn't work on my phone (android), the rest of the phone is still locked when on a call

It would be a pretty poor security loophole

How heavy/light of a sleeper is he? Do you think you could unlock it with his thumb print without waking him?

Deathgrip · 05/05/2021 21:45

Maybe when you go to your brothers you could pretend you’ve left your phone there? If it’s run out of charge then you’d just charge it, but if you’ve left your phone behind it would make sense for your SIL or brother to call his phone to speak to you and tell you it’s there?

Deathgrip · 05/05/2021 21:47

Even if you can’t get in while on the call, you could try to guess his pin maybe. I use a couple of pins for everything, except debit cards - he might be extra cautious with his though.

MusicTeacherSussex · 05/05/2021 22:12

Oh god OP. I have rtft and just cant beleive how sad it is. You deserve better, he is treating you as property here.

Absolutely consult a specialist. Even if he isn't posting your image online it's still a huge form of abuse of trust and privacy. Would you do that to him? Probably not, I'm guessing. He is either having a laugh at your expense or using you as a perverse point of interest behind your back. I cant see a scenario where this is ok other than him asking you outright every time he wants to take a photo and you saying yes.once long ago is not the same as now. 100%

Please save yourself from this.

SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow3 · 05/05/2021 22:13

@Anotheruser02

It's good you checked in here first and understand the enormity of it before he minimises it. If you can get his phone there is some kind of reverse image search you can do to see if he has uploaded it anywhere, I'm sure someone here can tell you how, I would personally do this before confronting so you know the extent of what you are confronting him over, also he could clean up his phone if you confront him so you'll lose the chance.

This is a good idea. Maybe text a couple to yourself as proof, then I'd be deleting them all. If you can't get into his phone don't let him minimise this. Tell him he needs to delete them all in front of you. If he's not prepared to and minimises your concerns then you know what he thinks and as a start I wouldn't be prepared to be naked or have sex and I'd be seriously considering LTB. What he's doing is illegal and completely unethical. And he knows that otherwise he wouldn't be sneaky about taking photos.

Weedoogie · 05/05/2021 22:23

Someone has just been sent to prison for this: www.dailypost.co.uk/news/north-wales-news/teenager-who-filmed-himself-having-18411113?utm_source=taboola&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=organic

tenpast10 · 05/05/2021 22:35

It's no good getting him to delete the pictures from the phone in front of you as they could well be shared to a cloud somewhere -- or, as PP have said, already uploaded to unsavoury websites.

TatianaBis · 05/05/2021 22:35

Reverse image searches only find a certain images. Unlike to find images. Particularly on porn sites.

saltychoc · 05/05/2021 23:48

@MusicTeacherSussex

Oh god OP. I have rtft and just cant beleive how sad it is. You deserve better, he is treating you as property here.

Absolutely consult a specialist. Even if he isn't posting your image online it's still a huge form of abuse of trust and privacy. Would you do that to him? Probably not, I'm guessing. He is either having a laugh at your expense or using you as a perverse point of interest behind your back. I cant see a scenario where this is ok other than him asking you outright every time he wants to take a photo and you saying yes.once long ago is not the same as now. 100%

Please save yourself from this.

I agree with this. Is so sad - why would a 'normal' loving man violate the trust of the mother of his 4 young children? I'm assuming he does upload the images - you sound pretty open minded and if they were only for his personal use I would have assumed he would have asked you if it was ok to take the images. Then you could had consented (if you wished) and laid down some ground rules - eg don't send them to your friends/family/colleagues/pervs online.

He's treating you like a piece of meat, not an equal. It would make my skin crawl to be with that kind of man.

CarolinaInMyMind · 06/05/2021 09:54

I'm sorry. It's not okay. Reading this gave me a funny feeling in my stomach. I can imagine some exes of mine doing this and feeling so confused because otherwise they are perfectly nice but it's so wrong and disrespectful and sneaky and creepy.

I think I would confront head-on. As in, stop having sex, pretend you just noticed and say 'what are you doing?' and then just act quite shocked and ask questions (why are you doing that? why are you trying to hide it from me?) and talk/react as little as possible so it's ALL back on him.

to you

OrchestraOfWankery · 06/05/2021 10:00

[quote Weedoogie]Someone has just been sent to prison for this: www.dailypost.co.uk/news/north-wales-news/teenager-who-filmed-himself-having-18411113?utm_source=taboola&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=organic[/quote]
"In addition to the jail term, the judge ordered Ryan to sign the sex offenders register for 10 years and a Sexual Harm Prevention Order for the same period was also made".

This is how serious this crime is.

SortingItOut · 06/05/2021 10:43

Checking if your image is online can be done on tineye.com

I used it a lot when I was dating and wanted to check if people were catfishes.

Won't find photos on the dark web but should find them on normal websites.

ConnieCaterpillar70 · 06/05/2021 22:04

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Don't sacrifice your self worth, OP, for a quiet life.

He has completed disregarded your consent for his own pleasure.

me4real · 07/05/2021 00:06

Just to add to the chorus of voices @sierrahotelindigotango . He hasn't asked you whether you're happy with this, so it's both non-consensual and illegal.

Brr xxxxx

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 07/05/2021 11:44

Just wanted to reassure you that whether you are a "people pleaser" and fear rejection or not, this is in no way your fault. Your childhood might have made you vulnerable, but some manipulative people find this kind of vulnerability attractive because they can take advantage of it.

A different man would have respected your wish to keep the people you loved happy, and would have made sure that you had the opportunity to speak up if you weren't happy even if you find that hard. He was being secretive and he did not have any right to assume that your silence meant consent.

Part of me wonders if maybe he thinks I know and thinks my silence on the matter is consent.

So you are doubting yourself. I wonder why? Has your husband done this before - just assuming that because you were too nice to complain or disagree about something he wanted at the time, that meant you were happy about it?

One thing - if you do confront him, don't tell him when you found out or suspected. Keeping that quiet will give him less opportunity to play the "I thought you knew and it was OK" game. Instead just tell him you do know, and ask him when he took the first picture. You might get to see him calculating what to say and even catch him out in a direct lie. Though I don't know if confronting him is the right thing to do at all - talking things through with a professional or an organsation like Women's Aid sounds very sensible.