DH taking pics without asking

[sierrahotelindigotango]

Long term lurker, first ever post. Been happily married for nearly ten years, together over 15 years. I've noticed recently that DH will sneakily take photos and or videos while we're having sex without asking or telling me. Is this normal / okay? No other issues in our relationship really. He's very respectful and loving generally. We have four kids and full on jobs running our own business so sex isn't as often as we'd both like... I don't know if I'm just being a prude or not.

Quite shocking really. Disrespectful and pervy too. Not what I would tolerate in a loving relationship or in any relationship. You need to draw clear boundaries OP.

Also I think it's normal to feel that 'he's a nice guy otherwise so it's not so bad' but this is exactly how sexual abusers and pedos operate... if you could tell someone was an abuser you wouldn't be with them in the first place and usually these sexual predators are lovely on the surface, you see it all the time in the news... Sarah Everards murderer was splashed all over the paper as a lovely family man, a great neighbour etc... just because they're nice 99% of the time doesn't excuse that one time they took illegal photos or whatever else they did.

Firstly no, it's not ok! He should of asked you. However, i dont think he's uploading or sharing them, if he is as lovely as you say there's no way he would do that. i think hes probably just being abit pervy and he likes the thrill of filming you both and watching it back but this is still not ok, you need to consent. also if he lost his fone or had it stolen then them vids/ photos are on there for god knows who to see and do what ever they like with. Your children may see them if he allowes them to use his phone. Just ask him and out your mind at rest but if he is sharing them then, im sorry but theres no going back, familly life and business doesn't matter there is no forgiving that and id call the police.

You need to confront him and absolutely lay down the law that this never happens again. Then you stand over him while he finds everything and deletes it. Does he not understand that photos like this are stored in the cloud, and even if it’s for personal use everything linked to his account will show these photos? I have an iPhone and iPad and have an account linked to DCs. I was horrified that everything appeared on their iPads? Just normal everyday photos, but I do screenshot legal documents sometimes just for simplicity.

This is a gross betrayal of trust and he has got a long way to go before this is ever restored.

@WindowsSmindows

It's illegal, that's your starting point.

Actually, this has been tested in court and found not to be unlawful.

The reasoning was, if you consent to being naked in front of another person, then you also automatically consent to being photographed or filmed too (I know)

Even more unbelievably, It’s not actually unlawful to share the images either - you’d have to demonstrate that the sharer specifically intended to cause harm to the subject of the photo/film.

Shocking, isn’t it?

He is the father of my children

Who massively disrespects and degrades the mother of his children by taking photos/videos of her private parts without her consent and does god knows what with them.

Christ, that's how photos of women, and videos, end up on Pornhub and 4Chan and other sites. Even if your DH doesn't put them up, he might share with a mate who does, or a 'mate' might forward the pics off your DH phone without him knowing.
He's getting off on the power of it, the fact that you don't know he's doing it.
As for revenge porn, it's only not because you haven't split up - yet- it usually comes from men using private photos to hurt their exes.

whymewhyme if he is as lovely as you say there's no way he would do that.

If he was as lovely as the OP said, he wouldn't be taking the pictures in secret in the first place. There is no telling whether or not he has shared the pictures, he is not the lovely man the OP thinks he is.

Maybe he should have thought about what it would do to his children and cushy life before he took secret video of you and did God knows what with it!

Fucking hell, what a sleaze. Go to the police.

*pictures. Sorry. Everything still applies.

[quote sierrahotelindigotango]@Deathgrip sorry posted too early. I had wondered if this was some kind of porn type / voyeur fantasy he has and the secrecy is part of the kick. [/quote]
Yes, most likely.

I know you are in shock right now but please remember that the fact that you consented to photos and videos in the past does NOT give him the right to take them without your knowledge or consent.

I know that you love him and trust him and that makes this harder to process. But he absolutely knows this to be wrong, do not make excuses for him. The fact that he does it behind your back shows that he knows it’s wrong - if he grabbed his phone in full view of you, he would have to explain it or ask for consent and he knows that, otherwise that’s what he would be doing. Someone who respects you does not do things without your consent. He cares more about whatever he’s getting from these images than your feelings about it. That’s the bottom line.

The law is generally referred to as revenge porn laws, but whether his angle is revenge or not is not the relevant part - the relevant part is that he doesn’t have your consent to take these images, or to share them if that’s what he’s doing.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

@sweetypop

Also I think it's normal to feel that 'he's a nice guy otherwise so it's not so bad' but this is exactly how sexual abusers and pedos operate... if you could tell someone was an abuser you wouldn't be with them in the first place and usually these sexual predators are lovely on the surface, you see it all the time in the news... Sarah Everards murderer was splashed all over the paper as a lovely family man, a great neighbour etc... just because they're nice 99% of the time doesn't excuse that one time they took illegal photos or whatever else they did.

All abusers are "nice" on the surface as they wouldn't get away with their behaviour otherwise.

They are also "respectable" otherwise they wouldn't be able to easily find people they could abuse.

It doesn't matter what kind of abuser the person is and who their victim is.

And even if he’s not actively sharing them, what if he loses his phone or someone else looks on it? The risk he’s running carrying that around with him is shocking and he must know that. He’s being very cavalier about it, isn’t he? He’s vile OP, even if in all other ways he’s lovely, this is so far from being a decent partner.

Why ask MN? Ask him wtf he thinks he’s doing.

This is no where near as serious but when I was early twenties I hung around in a group of friends (my main link was a friend I made in nct when our babies were the same age), there was a couple, a few women and a couple of blokes one of whom was the quietist most gentle thoughtful man I had ever known. When I had my third child I took her over to one of the groups bbq when she was 3 days old and this man held her for hours while I ate and chatted and just chilled a bit, that’s how much I trusted him, I let him hold my precious newborn. A few months later we were all at a New Year’s Eve party and this man had just moved into a new flat. He wasn’t drinking so offered me a lift home. On the way he offered to show me his new flat and because I trusted him so much and felt so safe I agreed. His flat was up a flight of stairs, he motioned for me to go up first and as I went up I heard a camera take a photo. I turned around and saw him looking a bit sheepish and he says sorry that stair creeks. I KNEW I had heard a camera but told myself not to be daft. I was wearing a mini skirt with tights and I know that I knew what he had done but I’d had a bit to drink and told myself he would never do that but I wanted to get out of there as quick as possible. He starts to show me around the flat, he sat on the sofa and encouraged me to go up on tip toe to look out the window (you could see my old school) and again I heard the camera. Turned around to see him putting his hand in his pocket (putting his phone away) This time I said I heard a camera and he looked puzzled and then said oh it must have been me sitting on my phone. He then showed me his dvd collection and said oh is that one of yours on the bottom and as I leaned down to look again I heard the camera. I knew for certain he’d taken photos up my skirt. Being young and not as brave as I am now I didn’t say anything but I felt sick. How dare my friend fucking violate me like that. He drove me home and I never spoke to him again but I later found out he had shared those photos online. I still feel sick when I think about how much I trusted him. What your husband is doing is illegal and sick and I’m almost certain he will be sharing them online. I’m sorry this is happening to you

You need to do your research and gather as much evidence as you can before you confront him otherwise if he gets the slightest inclination that you are upset he will wipe every trace of evidence. Use YOUR phone to take pictures of his phone clearly showing the naked pictures of you in his camera roll, I would do as much digging in there as you can. Browser history, apps etc. You should be able to go into the settings of the phone and view the most used apps as well as a list of all the apps he has on his phone. Some can be hidden within folders if you are just looking for them but the app list will clearly show them all.

If you do confront him he will do everything to back himself out of a hole. Denying taking them, saying they're for his own personal use etc. Id be very calculated on how you handle this

Op the very fact that you have children means you have to report this

@sierrahotelindigotango I’m not surprised you don’t have his PIN number for the phone. He will minimise and deny what is happening if you confront him. I think you should contact the police! because there is no other way of finding out exactly what photos have been taken and if they have been shared.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you

Op this is a huge breach of privacy and trust. I think he probably is sharing them. It wouldn't surprise me if your porn is all over the Internet, and I would put money on his friendsat least having seen these photos and videos.

I wouldn't say anything yet, but try to trawl his device history for porn sites, 4chan etc, and see if he has any accounts (and check his whatsapp/messenger etc).

Delete everything you can find involving yourself, from the web and devices.
Only then, would I ask him if he's ever videoed you in this way, to see what he admits too (in case he admits to anything you've missed). I would try to act totally unbothered "ooh okay, show me" to get as much info as possible. Then when I thought I'd wrangled everything I could out of him, I'd ask him to leave. He needs a woman whose into this sort of thing, and consenting from the start, and you need a man who won't disrespect, abuse or exploit you.

This is not normal, don't try to let him tell you "everyone does it". This is a niche, fetish type "hobby", and done without consent, is sexually abusive/exploitive. He's abused you in an awful way, and it's worrying this didn't ring alarm bells for you when you first realised. Have you felt afraid to ask him to stop? Does he overstep boundaries in other ways?

*Keeping in mind, anything sent via texts, messenger apps, e-mail etc, can only be deleted from his device, not the persons who received the file. So if he's done that, those pictures and videos are out of your hands, and out there forever.

Bloodyhell. You need to check his phone and emails pronto. It's possible he's just keeping these to himself but there's a whole network of men out there who post this kind of material online and share it directly with each other.

He should have been making it clear and asking you directly to take these intimate photos or videos (and even then, I think it's unwise as you have no idea who might have access to them). Even if he's just keeping these to himself for his own kicks, he could still use them against you in spite in future.

You're going to get one chance to confront him. You need to take your time and plan this properly. Otherwise he's going to lock himself in the bathroom and delete everything as others say.

Before you confront him you need a plan. You need his phone in your hand and ideally your children to be somewhere else. What are you going to do if he denies it? What are you going to do if he admits it?

Your husband is a sexual abuser and where there is one type of abuse there are generally others although you might not recognise them. I think you need to examine other areas of your marriage because I strongly suspect this is not the only type of abuse happening.

Kind and respectful men do not do this. His disrespect and feelings of ownership over you will probably be affecting other areas of your marriage. What is your financial situation? What is he like around the house? What happens if you disagree about something?

You've said he's sensitive and gentle.What does that mean? Does he cry if you argue?

Its up to you if you want to involve the police, and if you do, do so before you confront him.

I think you should involve them, but I also couldn't face involving them myself, when I was minorly sexually assaulted, so I totally understand anyone not wanting to go down that route.

If you want a way to talk to the police anonymous you can get a cheaper PAYG phone from a supermarket, buy a SIM and credit and call 101, they'll have no way if knowing who you are if you don't give details and haven't registered phone to yourself. Then you can talk it through with them without them being able to do anything about it. You'll have full control of what happens, which probably feels quite an important thing for you right now, having just had your autonomy taken away from you by your husband.

I didn't know if this was something most men did or not.

It doesn't matter how many of them do or don't do this - none of them should, and you didn't want your DH taking photos without your consent. It isn't something that should occur in any kind of loving, respectful relationship. I have in the past consented to having photos taken of me and it was all part of the fun. I agree with PP that for your DH the secrecy is a large part of this. It's a power play. He's deliberately not involving you. The fact you have consented in the past just proves this - you have previously said yes, so why is he not just asking again? Because he wants this to be without your consent.