DH taking pics without asking

[sierrahotelindigotango]

Long term lurker, first ever post. Been happily married for nearly ten years, together over 15 years. I've noticed recently that DH will sneakily take photos and or videos while we're having sex without asking or telling me. Is this normal / okay? No other issues in our relationship really. He's very respectful and loving generally. We have four kids and full on jobs running our own business so sex isn't as often as we'd both like... I don't know if I'm just being a prude or not.

His phone is always on his person - I'd never get away with taking it. Its not unusual for me to take the kids to my family for a sleep over to give him time to himself. Also, I'm a very light sleeper and if I'm ever in need of a good sleep I always sleep in the spare room so I don't think this will ring any alarm bells. He's being perfectly normal with me and being extra nice and caring because he thinks I'm ill. Which makes this even harder.

I'm so sorry to read this what a lot for you to take in.

You sound like you're taking really sensible actions.

Best of luck. I think the important bit is going to be not allowing yourself to be gaslit into thinking that it's nothing. It's certainly not nothing. xxx

Probably been said already so sorry, but he's almost certainly posting them online. Probably Twitter.

@sierrahotelindigotango

His phone is always on his person - I'd never get away with taking it. Its not unusual for me to take the kids to my family for a sleep over to give him time to himself. Also, I'm a very light sleeper and if I'm ever in need of a good sleep I always sleep in the spare room so I don't think this will ring any alarm bells. He's being perfectly normal with me and being extra nice and caring because he thinks I'm ill. Which makes this even harder.

Where does he leave it when he's sleeping? I'm assuming the bedside table? Could you get up for a loo break and try and get into it?

OP - the only way you will ever be able to find out what he has and where he has posted it is via the police.

If he fessed up himself he knows it would end his marriage. He knows you don't know which sites he's used. So there's no way he will admit to the extent of it. You will never then know if there are photos with your face on them. (He could easily take them while you're asleep).

You do not want to be notified by friends or work colleagues that your pic has been seen on a porn site. (This does happen believe me).

I'm also not convinced that you can keep up a facade for long, or what the point of it is.

Personally, I would contact police asap, they can take his pc & devices, find the pics and then you know where you are.

Please report your concerns to MNHQ, h4ppy. They rely on reports, rather than on-thread allegations.

[quote sierrahotelindigotango]@elfies my children are all under 9. As far as I know he's only done this when we have been having sex in certain positions. I honestly don't believe he would ever do anything like this to our children. He's an amazing dad. [/quote]
Not to make the situation seem any worse for you OP but my father also had pics like this on his computer of my DM, which me and my sister happened to see accidentally one day. No one would have ever thought he was the type of man to be like this but he then also abused me and my sister. So somebody who seems like a good dad can also be doing something that you wouldn't imagine them capable of.

[quote sierrahotelindigotango]@AttilaTheMeerkat I want to find out why, what he has and what he's been doing with it. I want to give him a chance to explain and be honest with me before I take it any further. He is the father of my children - I have to think of the impact on them. [/quote]
You are the mother of his children, and he hasn't thought about the impact on you or your children for one moment has he OP?

He will know what he has done is wrong. He has done this for his own perversions. He doesn't care about anyone but himself.

I’m going to speak to a specialist about how to proceed from here. I really do appreciate all the support and advice and people who’ve shared their stories. Contrary to what @h4ppy thinks I genuinely needed this response to make me see it’s not normal or acceptable. I wasn’t asleep when this happened - I was a willing participant in sex and had previously consented to being filmed and thought I might be over reacting given the background. I hope you can see why I needed to ask the question in this kind of anonymous forum.

@whoopsicle that’s awful. I’m so sorry.

What about suggesting roleplay? You tie him up with cable ties (hands and feet). Unlock his phone with Face ID.

It's a shame - in more ways than the obvious - that it turns out DH has pushed boundaries before
I was kind of hoping that these images might turn out to be for his personal use, but this suggests perhaps not

And yes, I realise it would still be taking images without consent ...

You really do need to contact the police too, at the very least give this your serious consideration.

You may have consented previously to being filmed but that was then and this is now. It is likely that your images have been forwarded and shared many times over.

Why call him an amazing dad; no he is not that to his kids either if he has used you their mother like this. Women in poor relationships often use similar descriptions as well when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

BTW did you meet this man when you were either very young (say late teens or early 20s) or in a bad place yourself?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

So finally get all the U.K. figures in one place.

22.6% drop.

Another 22% drop will mean 1001 patients in hospital on 8th May.

Oops wrong thread! Have reported. My bad.

@sierrahotelindigotango

I’m going to speak to a specialist about how to proceed from here. I really do appreciate all the support and advice and people who’ve shared their stories. Contrary to what *@h4ppy* thinks I genuinely needed this response to make me see it’s not normal or acceptable. I wasn’t asleep when this happened - I was a willing participant in sex and had previously consented to being filmed and thought I might be over reacting given the background. I hope you can see why I needed to ask the question in this kind of anonymous forum.

I'm glad you are going to get some real life support. Please remember that consent is not implied within the law. Just because you consented to something years before does not mean you give ongoing consent. Just because you consented to something 20 minutes ago doesn't either.

The fact that he has hid this from you means he knows it is wrong and that you wouldn't agree to it. I'm afraid to say, that may be part of the appeal to him, the pushing of boundaries etc.

Just be aware that if/when you confront him, he will either lie, deny or minimise, and only admit to what you know or can prove. Or else he will cry and manipulate (threaten to harm himself etc.) and basically make it all about him...this is because the alternative is to admit to being a massively disrespectful pervert who violated his wife's boundaries in an unforgivable way.
It doesn't fit with his 'nice guy' image so he will seek to avoid the truth at all costs.

Please remember that you did not cause this, and the fallout from this is his doing.

You say he might not know how this would make you feel. I think he knows precisely how you'd feel and that's why he's acted surreptitiously. Truth is, he doesn't care how you'd feel - not one little bit. In his head, his reasons for capturing the images trump your right to privacy.

Don't exercise yourself over why he did it; you may be er know and it's not the important thing. The important thing here is how you feel and what you're going to do about it. When you confront him, do make it really clear that he has no day in either of those things.

He doesn't get to tell you how you should feel or how what you do feel is somehow wrong or inappropriate. How you feel is for you to say and judge.

What you do next is not for him to decide or influence or even comment on. Take your time and tell him when you've decided at a time that suits you.

The first time he operated that camera without your explicit consent he forfeited any right to comment or be involved with the decision making about your future. He put it all in your hands then and there.

I suggest consulting a solicitor before you talk to him so you are clear about the legality of his actions and your own rights.

The things he's done could earn him time in prison. He needs to ponder that.

Not only is it not normal, it's illegal.

[quote RosaLuxemb0urg]@sierrahotelindigotango how about showing him this thread?[/quote]
I love this one. Yes, show him this thread.

I think you are right to seek advice from a specialist organisation.

Not quite the same thing but when my ex was abusive in a different way, speaking to friends or family didn't really hit home about how much of a boiled frog I was. But when someone in Women's Aid told me, it resonated in a way that other people didn't. I needed the experts to tell me it was bad.

DO NOT SHOW HIM THIS THREAD.

He will just delete the pics off his phone and be more careful next time. He may be addicted to doing it, and may even resort to things like drugging you to obtain his fix.

This is your safe space OP. Don't make it his.

I would take his phone and give it to the police.

First to tell you the truth I am very conservative when it comes to nudity and would NEVER in a million years allow my DH to take photos or record our love making. Having said that, I can see that we are all different and some of you are ok with that. Either way this is a very sensitive territory, like many of you pointed out, that is actually defined by law, so it is not a matter of liking or disliking. It is illegal to take a photo of a person without his/her consent, naked or otherwise.

OP I am very sorry that this happened to you, and I am also sorry that some of the comments here are a little too strong and I can feel it that you may feel attacked, blamed, criticized, but the bottom line is, we really are all on your side and are concerned for you. Like I said in my previous post we should not assume that you DH is a criminal and that he will be doing god knows what with those photos, but what he was doing was totally wrong and has to be addressed. If I were you I would talk to him first and see how he reacts and what he says. From all these posts here, you can see that there are indeed cases when perfectly good husbands turn out to be totally creeps and there is a possibility that your is one of them, but may not be. I would start from there and see how that feels for you. You will probably be able to tell if he is hiding something and not disclosing information in which case I would go to the police to seek advice.

I totally understand how you do not want to break your marriage and destroy your life over this as it does not feel such a big deal. I am going through separation right now, but my reasons are very different then yours, still it is hard and not a day goes buy that I do not feel guilt and shame for doing it. Once you start investigating you do have to accept that this may indeed lead to the end of your marriage, and this I know does hurt. Hang in there, be strong, you will get through this, no matter what it ends up being. And always come here if you need support.

@elfies my children are all under 9. As far as I know he's only done this when we have been having sex in certain positions. I honestly don't believe he would ever do anything like this to our children. He's an amazing dad.

He is NOT an amazing Dad. Amazing Dads DO NOT commit crimes against the mother of their children.