DH taking pics without asking

[sierrahotelindigotango]

Long term lurker, first ever post. Been happily married for nearly ten years, together over 15 years. I've noticed recently that DH will sneakily take photos and or videos while we're having sex without asking or telling me. Is this normal / okay? No other issues in our relationship really. He's very respectful and loving generally. We have four kids and full on jobs running our own business so sex isn't as often as we'd both like... I don't know if I'm just being a prude or not.

Awful to do it without your consent - disgusting really

Before you confront him you need a plan. You need his phone in your hand and ideally your children to be somewhere else. What are you going to do if he denies it? What are you going to do if he admits it?

Yes. You absolutely need to have his phone in your possession, even if you can't access is contents. In fact I think I'd hide it somewhere until after I'd challenged him and he'd 'explained' what he'd done with the photos. Otherwise he could just grab it.

I feel violated, hurt, betrayed, worried, shocked - I don't know why I'm not feeling anger

All this is perfectly natural; it comes from the shock and the anger tends to come later, as I found myself when I learned mine had shared them with his many prostitutes

Unfortunately he's unlikely to be honest about what he has and what he's done with it; the very taking of the images was done deceitfully, which rather rules out honesty now he's been caught

I'm not very techy, though fortunately lots who'll help you on here are, but a small hint for when you've found out more and confront him is say as little as possible of what you know and let them do the talking. This can be a useful guide as to how frank they'll be and can inform your way forward

Overall, though, I'm just so sorry it's happened to you too; it's hideous, it's cruel, it's illegal and it's very hard to come back from

that is disgusting, and illegal

I had a friend who's partner did this. He was particularly keen for snaps with the face away from camera. Unbeknown to my friend at the time these clips were shared online in return for clips from other men. On being challenged his argument was, if I do not show your face its okay. Well it obviously is not. Ask him to delete everything, and personally I would be checking his browsing history if you can- though he will delete this or go incognito to avoid detection. You are right to be worried OP.

It wouldn't surprise me if your porn is all over the Internet, and I would put money on his friendsat least having seen these photos and videos.

This is not porn - this is non consensual and abuse. Sadly a lot of the “amateur porn” online is the same - either filmed or shared without knowledge.

I knew instantly my ex wouldn’t have shared my images online - he was obsessively jealous and controlling and would get angry if there was a chance someone might see a flash of my bra when I bent over, or if I quickly changed my top without fully closing every blind despite living on the second floor. The idea of anyone else seeing any part of my body was dreadful to him. That was actually the one positive of this situation as I knew the images were only on his computer - he had deleted them from his phone in case someone else saw them accidentally or he lost his phone.

So it’s not inevitable that they’re online, although highly likely, but that would just be an additional huge problem rather than mitigating the initial crime.

@Seventrees

He's almost certainly uploading them to a site where men post videos of women having sex with them. Sometimes including the woman's face.

I actually do not think this is helpful. It is possible that her husband is doing that, but in no way it is 'almost certain'. The most likely scenario is that he is taking them for his own use.

This is still a violation.

And as a PP said, he cares more about whatever he’s getting from these images than your feelings about it. That’s the bottom line.

He's never been violent or even close to it. He is the most gentle, sensitive man I know. It's very hard to accept that it's the same person doing this.

OP, I am terribly sorry. The acceptance that the gentle man you thought you knew is in fact a sex offender must be one of the most acutely painful of experiences.

But a sex offender, he is. It saddens me such much that as women we are conditioned to question our own boundaries and even our own realities before we question the behaviour of men.

Abusers (yes, he is) would like us to think that consent is a grey area, that the boundaries surrounding it are 'fuzzy', that they are somehow unaware that their actions are distressing or how they are such a gross violation of trust.

Consent is, however, one of those few black-and-white issues in life around which the waters are not muddy, the lines are not blurred: they are a straight, clear line. Enthusiastic consent and agreement to all acts you participate in. (And yes, the objection 'does he have to get a signed contract beforehand' is as ludicrous as it's frivolous. Men KNOW when they are violating our consent. The fact that he doesn't think you know what he's doing is evidence enough of this).

Sharing your images would make this even worse, but even if he isn't that does not negate the seriousness of his photographing you without your knowledge. If I ever, just once, found recording or listening devices in my living areas, was photographed or filmed without my knowledge or consent, or woke from my sleep to find myself engaging in an act I'd been unable to consent to, I'd be gone. I would certainly never be persuaded to have sex with that man ever again. On those ground alone the relationship would be over.

I do know that reporting him will seem an incredible act to you at the moment, so do what you need to do. And the first thing you'll need to do is process this and realise what has actually happened to you.

You poor woman. I'm so sorry

NEVER, EVER let anyone have this level of control over you because you don't know what the future holds.
They may have been for his own tittiilation but he should have sought your consent.... why didn't he? It's abuse!
It's deceit beyond contempt but before you even speak to him find out a much as you can about what he's done with the pics.
The potential in future to use those pics against you is horrendous but hopefully you're not identifiable in them.
I would surreptitiously gather as much info as possible before speaking to anyone about this. Also covertly record any conversations you have with him about this.

Deathgrip you're totally right, I should have typed "porn", or another term.

I think it's helpful that the op know that she should check his browser history and apps, for anywhere this sort of content could be uploaded. It's unfortunately quite common that the perverse sort men that take pictures like this, then want to share them. If anything has been uploaded, you should be able to delete it directly from the account. If he's shared anything privately, you'd need to involve the police, to have devices checked and the content removed. Hopefully he hasn't done that, and if he has showed anyone, it's been just them looking at his screen.

If you really don't want to involve the police, you'll need his device pin, a tip is to clean his screen when he's not looking, wait for him to put the pin in, then distract him some way, and look for fingerprint smudges. Or try to nosey over his shoulder, etc.

Does he have any storage devices, or usb pen drives?

How tech savvy is he?

Thank you for all the lovely messages. The largely horrified responses have helped me understand what's happening isn't right and I need to do something. And I will. I just need time to get my thoughts in order.

Thinking back, there have been times where he's pushed boundaries sexually - but he's always so loving about it that I feel like I'm denying him something that will make him happy. Looking back I realise this sounds pathetic.

@DenisetheMenace I asked here because it's an anonymous and safe space for me to find out if what was happening to me was normal or not. I sensed maybe it wasn't so I couldn't risk asking my friends.

Thank you for all of the kind, thoughtful words you've shared. And for helping me understand the reality of what I'm facing into.

Firstly my sympathies OP. What a horrible situation. Remember this is not your fault.

There has been some back and forth about legalities here, so just wanted to give people the relevant legislation and case law on this, just in case it helps OP and/ or another reader:

Section 33 of the Criminal Justice and Courts Act 2015. Offence is disclosure of private sexual photos or films without the consent of the individual who appears in them with intent to cause distress. This would only apply if he has disclosed the images (ie sent or uploaded them), which we don't know.

Regarding non consensual filming without sharing the image (which we know for sure has happened) there is a case involving a woman called Emily Hunt. She was filmed when she was unconscious in bed. She (eventually) won her case and her rapist was charged with a voyeurism offence.

Article: www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-54027088

If anyone knows anything else about this, please chip in as I am not an expert.

The point is, legally, "D"h is likely to have committed an offence.

If I were you OP I would, in secret:
A. Seek help from the charities linked below and take their advice

B. Speak to a firm of solicitors who deal with both civil and criminal law; and

C. Call the police.

There is a charity dealing with this: revengepornhelpline.org.uk/

You could also contact women's aid: www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

@LomasLongstriderJnr he is incredibly tech savvy. Unlike me.

@IceLace100 thank you - this is really helpful

You need to record it when you confront him. He can later try to deny and twist but you will have proof of him admitting it. And definitely either hide his phone or have it in your possession so he can’t immediately delete. In any case the police should be able to recover things he deletes. So sorry you’re dealing with this OP. Make sure you line up some counselling for yourself as you come to terms with what this really is.

OP, the reason you're finding this so hard to process is that he is supposed to be the person you trust the most. But in fact this makes it an even worse violation - he has taken your trust in him for granted and abused your dignity and boundaries in a disturbing way.

He knows it is wrong or he would have shown you the photos, as you said, you both engaged in videos before - but that was enthusiastic consent on your part.

Please don't let him get away with this, take your time and gather your strength, but don't ignore your gut instinct. Unfortunately, there may be a lot more that you don't know about. Remember, you are the victim here

I think the police should confront him about this. He will deny/minmise and delete any evidence if you confront him yourself. Stay strong OP, and find that anger

On a non- legal (slightly more unhinged and less sensible) note, I would steal his phone and laptop, hack his passwords and reset them, and go through everything for evidence.

If I didn't have the tech savvy to do that, I would hire someone to do it.

Take control. Don't be a victim OP.

Thinking back, there have been times where he's pushed boundaries sexually - but he's always so loving about it that I feel like I'm denying him something that will make him happy. Looking back I realise this sounds pathetic

Coercive control is a form of abuse. Coercion isn't consent. People who have been coerced are not pathetic. The strongest of people can be abused. There's not only one type of person it happens to. It can happen to anyone.

Thinking back, there have been times where he's pushed boundaries sexually - but he's always so loving about it that I feel like I'm denying him something that will make him happy. Looking back I realise this sounds pathetic.

You do not sound pathetic at all. This is all on him. One thing to think about (absolutely no need to respond to this on here) is who suggests positions which enable him to take photographs without you knowing.

He didn’t ask you? That’s a bit shit. You guys need to talk. What’s going on?

Wasn’t there a post not so long ago where a husband was posting naked pictures of his wife to a website and someone on the website found her through Facebook?

You need to call him on it and tell him it’s illegal.

"Thinking back, there have been times where he's pushed boundaries sexually - but he's always so loving about it that I feel like I'm denying him something that will make him happy. Looking back I realise this sounds pathetic"

That doesn't pathetic at all! But it does mean he's probably been knowingly coercing you, and manipulating you, to get what he wants.

You say he's "loving" and "affectionate", is it always appropriate?

I had a friend who was constantly pushing her dp's hand away from sliding down her top/inside her bra, in company, and on occasion in front of their kids. Kissing her neck and shoulders, fondling her bum and thighs etc too. She would get quite angry with him at times "stop it!" But he'd give her big sad puppy dog eyes and say things like "okay, if you don't want me to touch you, I'll leave you be" then he'd shuffle away from her, and act all sad, she'd act like it never happened, and repeat. That just randomly came back to me, I haven't seen them for years, but the way you describe your dh/dp, made me think that's how my friend would have described her dp, (a far cry from how the rest of us would describe him).

This must be so hard for you op. He's really not the man you thought he was

Blimey not much else to say that hasn't been said already but unconsented pics are definitely not OK.

Ideally you need to get access to his reddit app as the amount of boards that he may have uploaded them to is huge, that will tell you what posts he's made, or even just grab his username and do a search because it would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack on your own without knowing his username.

It's completely unacceptable. I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone who thought it was OK to do that