Awaiting a call in the next hour or so, upset with my parents.

[HotelChoc]

I've NC'd for this but long term poster and reader.

Where do I start?

I'm awaiting my weekly phone call from my mum.
Last weekend, following my birthday mid week, we had planned to go out, perhaps to the coast and go to see my parents. I've not seen them since Christmas Eve when I drove to them with gifts and spent as long as could standing in their cold garden.

Anyway during a call last Saturday, I agree the plan with my mum. Gets up Sunday and just before we leave home I pick up a FB message to say 'Don't think it is a good idea for you to come here today, your DB is here fitting out the bathroom'. I respond with 'oh, ok'.

I'm a grown up but I was so upset. Long running NC with my DB, however I've always made it clear that I will talk to him, that I'm ok with being in the same place as him. He doesn't want that.

My mum will be ringing in an hour. I'm nervous and busy planning how I address this.

I've not gone into detail of the long running saga, it would take hours...but I'm happy to add detail. I really need some help!

I know my mum will try not to mention this, my parents don't address issues so I'm going to have to bring this up. Recently my DS visited, as he was running an errand for them and was also left outside without any introduction to his uncle or cousin who were there at the time. When I raised that the answer was ' oh I didn't know your DS had seen him'. I really don't like how things are left to fester and never addressed.
My parents won't address any of this with my DB, at the time of the fall out he wasn't in touch with them for 8 years afterwards. They don't want that to happen again.

Sorry, I'll shut up now!

From your point of view you had a long standing arrangement that you would holiday at a certain time of the year with your parents and when your brother wanted to show up around the same time, you were willing to rent somewhere locally so that the trip could still happen and they said they didn't think your brother would be happy with that?
Happy in what way? That you were still around at the time he was having a holiday? He can't dictate who has a holiday and when. You should have just arranged for a holiday to the town/city/village where your parents live with your child(ren) and arranged a few meet ups when you were there.

You seem to have to adjust your arrangements to suit your brother.
If he has gone NC with you, there must be something that happened or something that was said by someone that has made him come to this decision and in fairness he is trying to maintain a relationship with your parents. He will have to come to terms with you being there at the same time that he is.

@FreezerBird

Clearly your parents feel he had justifiable reasons to and support his decision

Of course we only have one side of the story but I don't think that's clear at all.

If they didn’t think that, then they would have prioritised the OP on her birthday week.

Instead they cancelled but allowed him to come

I would at that indicates that they don’t exactly disagree with the DB for going NC with the OP

@Egghead81 But he was also NC with the parents for some years. It seems more likely that they don't want to rock the boat.

[quote FreezerBird]@Egghead81 But he was also NC with the parents for some years. It seems more likely that they don't want to rock the boat.[/quote]
Yes possibly.

People generally don’t go NC without good reason.

I know someone who's SIL has basically "booked" the same holidays with their parents every year in perpetuity so they can't go on hols with their parents at their parents place without her and her DC there. Which is only one aspect of their entirely family dynamic.

And because the op's brother wants no contact with her that doesn't he was wronged in any way,don't forget he also went no contact with his own parents for 8 years.Its likely he could be a right bloody manipulater,but we don't have any back story here so impossible to say but it seems the op's parents are feeding into the grid here

Thanks all, I don't know where to start to answer your questions. I suppose family life is complicated and some of the differing assumptions you have either rightly or wrongly made on here show that.

A huge back story stretching back more than 20 years. DB and his GF ( now wife) not wanting me to know there were engaged, no idea why, him screaming at me at the engagement party because I wasn't drinking ( I'd just found out the day before that was pregnant), he blamed me that the party wasn't great, his fiancé demanding only certain people could visit my parents house...loads of 'things' not major, daft arguments. They are godparents to one of my DD's even after the engagement party issues.

Their wedding was the main cause, issues with my mum over who was bridesmaid at their wedding ( mum not happy that it was my cousin and not me - me not bothered), I would have liked my DD involved as their goddaughter but it didn't happen, not fussed really, their choice. DB did say "it's my fiancees day and she can say and do exactly as she wants". They didn't want me at the wedding ( accusations about a past relationship they wrongly thought I'd had with a married friend of mine); DB's fiancee hid the fact that her mum and dad were never married and her mum had always been the OW. Her dad still lived with his wife and DC's. When my dad met her dad at the engagement party it turned out that they knew each other so the complicated family set up was apparent.
Tensions were so high, I didn't go to his wedding. I wanted to let them have their day without risking being in the firing line. I did have family to stay who had travelled.
From then on he hasn't spoken to me and although my parents did go, didn't speak to them for 8 years either.

What a mess eh! You did ask. None of it seems relevant anymore. A waste of family life.

The holiday, a PP asked about. Yes it was school holidays, but then I am a teacher. I've no other choice. My DC's and I saw my DP's once a year for three weeks, same three weeks every year as my DC's were with their dad for the other three weeks. It fit with his family life too. ( and has been such a struggle to arrange to suit everyone).

My DB and his wife booked one week in the middle of the three weeks we would be there. I tried to work through it as we wanted to see my DP's, I said I would move out from theirs for week and rent something else and then move back after he'd gone but they were so sure that DB wouldn't like it that I gave up and didn't go. My dad was awful about that and called me an awkward b**ch.

Well that was cathartic..sorry.

Yes, we are NC but only because he chooses that. Even following the wedding I've extended invitations, always been polite at family parties, not made a fuss. He runs a mile from me!
I know we will never be best buddies but civil if we happen to run into each other at my parents house would be enough.

Yes, I was upset last weekend. It's amazing that even as a grown up these things hurt. To be messages 'it's best you don't come today because your DB is coming to do the bathroom' minutes before we set off really upset me.

So DM hasn't rang yet, I'm still waiting. I've tried her but no answer.

OP, you haven’t done anything wrong.

As for holidays you have offered a solution but they were not happy with it.If they didn’t want to see you they should have come when you weren’t there instead of dictating that you shouldn’t be there at all.

It’s your brother who was an awkward b...d not you.

I’m sorry but your parents made it clear that they prioritise your brother. Lower your expectations regarding them as they dropped you like a hot potato.

I have a toxic family like this. I wouldn't bother answer the phone, to be honest.

It feels like a weekly 'duty' call that your DM makes. I'd be making little effort to get in touch. They sound very like my parents who always manage to make me feel just a little bit shit after a call or a visit with them.

No one else does this. I now minimise contact with them so as to protect my own mental wellbeing. I don't really need to be made to feel small and miserable by people who are supposed to care about me and really don't.

I don't blame you for being upset. You had made a plan to meet up with your parents to celebrate your birthday and suddenly your estranged brother absolutely has to do their bathroom at the same time? Hmm. I bet he got wind of their plan to see you and made things awkward.

The whole family set up sounds incredibly toxic and while it sounds as though your parents mean well, their efforts to keep the peace are making things worse. I would take a huge step back from all of them.

YABU. Your parents don't need to address anything. Your brothers issues with you are not their responsibility.
He doesn't want to see you, and he was the one their doing a job for them (I'm assuming as a favour) so that takes priority.
Why would your parents introduce your ds to his uncle if you are all no contact? Surely that would just be more awkward than anything else.
I don't really see why you would bring it up, or what you expect them tk do about it?

Your mom is worried that your brother will cut her off again. She doesn't have that worry with you so expects you should be the one to be flexible. Its probably not even a conscious thought.
I agree with this. My mum sometimes speaks to me like crap when she is mad at my siblings. My dh rightly says she feels comfortable knowing i wouldn't cut her off but my siblings would in a heartbeat.

I really think this arrangement is causing you more pain than good. Maybe knock the phone call on the head for a while and have some counselling. Do you have access through work? Im a teacher and we have a health plan at work which includes counselling.

I can't believe your dad called you a bitch, that's awful. I'd never speak to my dad again if he did that. Your parents seem to prioritise your brother over you, they shouldn't have cancelled you at the last minute and the weekly scheduled phone call with your mum sounds like a drag. Raise the issues you have calmly but don't expect a cathartic response. I agree with other posters, you need some distance. I do think it would be difficult if you visit them for 3 weeks at the same time each year, that's one hell of a long stay!

Lots of truths here,it's so helpful to read your views, it helps to think this through and see all sides.
Yes I know my parents tread on egg shells with him as they are scared he will cut them off again.
We have our ups and downs like all families but I believe in talking things through, rather than letting it fester. I always make peace with my parents, life is too short.

I think when my DS visited his GP's, I expected common decency, that a man could at least say hello to his nephew (goodness the same nephew wasn't even born at the time of the no contact), rather than see him and ignore him.

I suppose I hoped my parents would also expect decency and good manners instead they accepted his rude behaviour.

My birthday, yeh, felt rubbish. A definite 'second'.

What I would like is to work through it with my mum so that we have an understanding of what would happen in the future, if say my DB was at their house when I arrive. Can I go in? Would I have to wait till he's gone? Are we going to have to 'make an appointment' to visit?

For me, I would go in to the house whether he is there or not. I would say hello and be civil. In my mind, if he wants to leave because I'm there, that's up to him. I'd be really upset if my parents kept me outside like they did to my DS.

I don't know. This has arisen now as DP's have just moved to the same town as DB. We've not been in a position for this to happen before now.

Post crossed toiketbrushholder - yes three weeks could be a strain but not often, some really great sunny holidays. As a single parent, with parents abroad, this was the only time I saw them.

It doesn't happen now, DP's are back in the UK and DC's are growing up too.

I'd be pissed off too. Your parents clearly prioritise him over you. How dare your father call you an awkward bitch after you offering to find alternative accommodation. They should have just told Db you'd be there so either he deal with it or not come at the same time. I'd back away from the lot of them tbh. You can bet the next time you suggest a visit your Db will hear about it and come up with some other reason to be there so that your parents put you off again.

@FreezerBird

Clearly your parents feel he had justifiable reasons to and support his decision

Of course we only have one side of the story but I don't think that's clear at all.

Sounds like it is to me.

@HotelChoc

Lots of truths here,it's so helpful to read your views, it helps to think this through and see all sides. Yes I know my parents tread on egg shells with him as they are scared he will cut them off again. We have our ups and downs like all families but I believe in talking things through, rather than letting it fester. I always make peace with my parents, life is too short.

I think when my DS visited his GP's, I expected common decency, that a man could at least say hello to his nephew (goodness the same nephew wasn't even born at the time of the no contact), rather than see him and ignore him.

I suppose I hoped my parents would also expect decency and good manners instead they accepted his rude behaviour.

My birthday, yeh, felt rubbish. A definite 'second'.

What I would like is to work through it with my mum so that we have an understanding of what would happen in the future, if say my DB was at their house when I arrive. Can I go in? Would I have to wait till he's gone? Are we going to have to 'make an appointment' to visit?

For me, I would go in to the house whether he is there or not. I would say hello and be civil. In my mind, if he wants to leave because I'm there, that's up to him. I'd be really upset if my parents kept me outside like they did to my DS.

I don't know. This has arisen now as DP's have just moved to the same town as DB. We've not been in a position for this to happen before now.

You don't seem to respect your brother's choice. You parents are between a rock and a hard place.

You say several times you would happily say hello. He won't.

if you came into your parents house when your brother was there, that could be seen as quite an aggressive act.
knowing he does not want to encounter you.
it sounds like squaring up to somebody in a pub, wanting to dare them to a fight.
i think you have to step back.
perhaps you are expecting too much of your parents.
how would you feel as a parent if your children were at logger-heads.
could you choose between them, risk alienating one or other.
you seem to want them to adjudicate and say, he was wrong, you are a good girl.
i think you have to eave all that behind.
life is short. make the best of it, esp with your parents.
good luck.

I feel for you OP, I also have a very difficult family dynamic like this. I agree with others, your parents put your brother before you, they expect you to fit in and not rock the boat.

The NC is between you and your brother, drive by your brother. I'm willing to guess if you raised it with your parents they would not want to discuss it at all, they expect you to keep the peace so they can keep their relationship with the golden boy. They were rude to leave your son outside, very childish on all their parts.

Your birthday is not a priority to them. Why was your brother, seemingly last minute, at their house? They should have said 'no' that you were coming but I expect your parents won't want to discuss this with you.

I have found the easiest thing is to not expect anything at all and just get on with my life, to be honest I've detached myself. I'm much happier.

To all those posters saying the OP isn't respecting her brothers decision to go NC and she is being aggressive expecting to go to the house. Just why? It seems to me, from her post, that her brother turning up wasn't planned, her mum told her last minute. Just maybe her brother decided he had to do the bathroom that day and they dare not say 'your sisters due to come here so NO you can't come'.

YANBU about your birthday and being cancelled at the last minute. That’s rude regardless of the issues with the brother.

They should have told the brother to come back another day.

Unfortunately you are at the bottom of the pile here. Personal experience tells me your parents will move hell and earth to accommodate him and you will be expected to accept it. I guess you need to decide where the line is, be warned though, the more you tolerate from them the worse their behaviour will be. Sorry I may be projecting here slightly!

Is it me or am I reading a different thread in the twilight zone.

Good god, your parents are priorotising your brother and his children over you.
With my children each and everyone is equal, no exceptions it doesnt matter how different they are, how special or how useful they are.....
THEY ARE TREATED THE SAME.

I actually find this quite disturbing and to be frank if I were you I would have been NC with my parents years ago.
Let golden boy have them, it's your parents loss, who the hell does he think he is, dictating who can see who.

@Onthedunes

Is it me or am I reading a different thread in the twilight zone.

Good god, your parents are priorotising your brother and his children over you.
With my children each and everyone is equal, no exceptions it doesnt matter how different they are, how special or how useful they are.....
THEY ARE TREATED THE SAME.

I actually find this quite disturbing and to be frank if I were you I would have been NC with my parents years ago.
Let golden boy have them, it's your parents loss, who the hell does he think he is, dictating who can see who.

Yes, this! I think your parents are terrified of him going NC with them again, and throwing you under the bus is how they pacify him.

Did your Mum ring?

OP - I’m really sorry that your parents cancelled a visit I expect you were looking forward to because they don’t want to risk upsetting your brother. I agree with @Onthedunes and others who say that they are clearly prioritising him over you. For the sake of your parents I think he should be civil or just make his excuse and leave if it bothers him so much that you may accidentally arrive at their house at the same time. I say that as sometime who is NC with my brother, I accept that makes things difficult for my parents but try to mitigate that as best I can. I have experienced him being repeatedly prioritised over me for 20 years, someone else advised you try to step back and I agree - your mum thinks you will always just be there hanging around waiting for her. Prioritise your own children and yourself.