Awaiting a call in the next hour or so, upset with my parents.

[HotelChoc]

I've NC'd for this but long term poster and reader.

Where do I start?

I'm awaiting my weekly phone call from my mum.
Last weekend, following my birthday mid week, we had planned to go out, perhaps to the coast and go to see my parents. I've not seen them since Christmas Eve when I drove to them with gifts and spent as long as could standing in their cold garden.

Anyway during a call last Saturday, I agree the plan with my mum. Gets up Sunday and just before we leave home I pick up a FB message to say 'Don't think it is a good idea for you to come here today, your DB is here fitting out the bathroom'. I respond with 'oh, ok'.

I'm a grown up but I was so upset. Long running NC with my DB, however I've always made it clear that I will talk to him, that I'm ok with being in the same place as him. He doesn't want that.

My mum will be ringing in an hour. I'm nervous and busy planning how I address this.

I've not gone into detail of the long running saga, it would take hours...but I'm happy to add detail. I really need some help!

I know my mum will try not to mention this, my parents don't address issues so I'm going to have to bring this up. Recently my DS visited, as he was running an errand for them and was also left outside without any introduction to his uncle or cousin who were there at the time. When I raised that the answer was ' oh I didn't know your DS had seen him'. I really don't like how things are left to fester and never addressed.
My parents won't address any of this with my DB, at the time of the fall out he wasn't in touch with them for 8 years afterwards. They don't want that to happen again.

Sorry, I'll shut up now!

[Mittens030869]

Either you haven't read the full thread or you have a very skewed take on the situation. It's clear that OP is trying hard to hold onto the relationship with her parents despite being treated appallingly. This is a common dynamic in dysfunctional families.

^This with bells on. It’s a very common theme on here, and I’m surprised that there are so many posters who don’t understand this. I also recommend the Stately Homes thread, OP.

[randomer]

I feel sad for you OP. Its a shabby way to treat somebody.

[MargaretThursday]

I'd like to hear the brother's side too.

Initially I thought that OP had made firm plans on her birthday and the brother had deliberately chosen her birthday to go round.

But when I reread I realise that the actual birthday was midweek and she'd only said "perhaps to go and see my parents". She was only finalising it on the Saturday for the Sunday.
On the basis that it doesn't sound like he wants to hear about OP, it's very unlikely that the brother had any idea, and probably had said that he'd pop round to do it at some point. Totally understand if he's come to refit the bathroom-that's quite a job, that they feel they don't want to put it off. Yes, it might have been nice if they'd agreed to meet OP elsewhere, but I'm not convinced OP would have agreed.

I made it clear that in that case, if I call in unannounced at their house and DB is there, that I'm fine with and won't be sitting outside until he's gone, but if he doesn't want to be there with me, he can of course leave.
That is what makes me think that the brother probably has at least a reasonable case. That's pretty aggressive. That's not the response of someone who feels they've been pushed out, that's the reaction of someone who expects to be treated first.

[SelkieFly]

Just coming back to this comment


'For all those posters who say you must have done something...it is not true. It started between me and my SIL when my brother chose to go with my answer in Trivial Pursuit (she was right though!). She is insecure and I had a good relationship with my brother- sadly not anymore.'

Even though I'm low contact with my parents right now, I do not think that there is always a good reason for no contact. Obviously as the scenario above demonstrates, narcissistic injuries can be caused by the smallest most random actions.

This is one of the best I've heard!

[Sakura7]

@MargaretThursday

Do you have an excuse for her dad calling her an awkward bitch too?

How anyone can read this and decide the OP is at fault is beyond me.

[Titterofwit]

If your DP have told the DB they are also NC then the messenger cancellation rather than a phone call makes sense. DB had probably turned up unexpectedly (or invited by DF who didnt mention it to DM) so a phone call was out of the question as he would overhear.

In your shoes OP I would be very very LC. Polite but distant communication. Your own children are not welcome at all times so that alone is good cause for me to be NC.
I would tend to regard them more as a distant relative than parents. They dont seem to be involved in your lives anyway to be honest.
Oh ...
And absolutely no Christmas hosting.

[VorpalSword]

The OP had plans with her parents, not perhaps, they knew she was coming.
Her brother then turned up
She was sent a text message say don’t come as he is here.

Not a phone call, or to find an alternative just a text saying don’t come.

I’m sorry OP, that must have felt really harsh.

I would be more concerned if you were already there and your brother turned up, what would happen then?

Does he know your parents are in touch with you at all? If he thinks they have gone NC with you, at his condition of speaking to them, it would explain (but not excuse) their shifty behaviour.

[MichelleScarn]

I made it clear that in that case, if I call in unannounced at their house and DB is there, that I'm fine with and won't be sitting outside until he's gone, but if he doesn't want to be there with me, he can of course leave.
That is what makes me think that the brother probably has at least a reasonable case. That's pretty aggressive. That's not the response of someone who feels they've been pushed out, that's the reaction of someone who expects to be treated first.

How on earth is this aggressive? Basically saying if I'm there and he comes over I'm not leaving to make him happy?

[greenlynx]

OP, what do you want from your parents? Do you rely on their financial help or help with childcare? Do they help you with little jobs around the house or look after your dogs while you are on holidays? Or is it about moral support?
Your answers will define how you have to behave further.

[Templetreebalm]

@OnlyInYourDreams

There’s something more going on here IMO.

I get the prioritisation of one child over another etc but this seems to go deeper.

The fact they said you couldn’t stay elsewhere in the same country while your brother was there leads me to think that they have probably told your brother they’re NC with you as well.

He probably believes that the whole family have cut you off because that’s likely what they’ve told him. Why else would they try to keep your presence in their life such a secret.

I agree with this.
He thinks your dp are NC with you.
I bet thats one of his requirements for him staying in contact.
Goodness this is so toxic.

[HotelChoc]

This is all so interesting and helpful. @Mummyoflittledragon - your post resonates so much, thank you.

One thing I know is that my DB knows my DP's are in contact with me. They've stayed here at Christmas, he knows that, I've talked to my mum on the phone and he's been in the background, I can hear him, he saw my DS who was dropping off some stuff for his GP's.

I wasn't aggressive when I had the conversation about what happens if my DB is at their house and I arrive - I was saying that I'd be polite but I would expect to be invited in too and not have to wait outside or drive away. My thoughts were that if DB can't be in the same place, then he can make his own choices. Goodness, this isn't about being first, just equal, have good manners and be welcome. I wanted the conversation to take place now, before something like that happens and no one knows what to expect or how to manage it.

My DP's can come to me but it would be a 90 minute drive each way. My DF doesn't drive far and not really on motorways. They've bought and moved in to a new house. It would be good to see it as I haven't yet.

No, I don't need them for anything. We've learnt to live independently over the years as they were abroad. Because of that relationships aren't strong.

I do feel guilty as they get older and wouldn't be NC. I do manage contact though. During lockdown, I was ringing everyday, sending parcels, treating them to books and jigsaws to keep them busy, sending seeds for the garden. I stopped when my mum put the phone down on me one day...and refused to acknowledge anything was wrong with doing that - since, it's a weekly call, her to me.

I do reflect on the parenting my DP's had themselves and know they didn't have good role models. I suppose the teacher in me thinks I'm trying to show them how to build relationship, how to be a family - but it's all too late.

When I talk about it to friends, of course the response is always along the lines of 'you'll miss them when they're gone...or you'll regret this, I wish my DP's were still here...'. In my mind I'm not sure I would regret it but I can only know that when it's too late.
I love them of course.

[Porcupineintherough]

Maybe you should be less concerned about, and make less effort towards parents that so clearly play favourites? Do you feel you have to try extra hard to warrant their time, consideration, affection?

[FrenchBoule]

OP, every child loves their parents. They are primary caregivers.
That’s why it’s difficult to accept their bad behaviour towards their children.
Look up FOG- fear,obligation and guilt.

Your mother putting the phone down on you and father calling you names tells all the story. They don’t care about you as much as they care about your brother.

There’s a thread in Relationships called Stately Homes. Go and have a look,sadly you’ll find a lot of people mistreated by their parents.

As for the good folks saying “you’ll miss them” and “you only have one mother,father and so on” they usually never have been players in dysfunctional family and will not understand your point of view.

Parents are supposed to love their children, not put them down in any way.

Limit the contact and lower the expectations. Let them come to you.

Sorry

[Sakura7]

When I talk about it to friends, of course the response is always along the lines of 'you'll miss them when they're gone...or you'll regret this, I wish my DP's were still here...'. In my mind I'm not sure I would regret it but I can only know that when it's too late.

The thing is, friends who grew up in healthy families just don't understand, it's so far out of their experience. They are thinking about their feelings towards their own parents and projecting that onto you, but they don't get that the situations are totally different.

You don't have to cut your parents off completely, but I think you should consider taking a step back for a while. Don't initiate contact, and if they call you just keep the conversation light and don't get into any deep and meaningfuls. Don't even feel you have to answer the phone if you're not up to it. And don't offer to visit.

Let them see the consequences of treating you badly.

[Melroses]

You won't necessarily regret anything - you can only do what you can do.

Give yourself some space, and some of the TLC you have been dishing out. You need to look after yourself to be able to cope with the others ❤

[diddl]

Op you are so thoughtful towards them & do they appreciate it?

Your mum has put he phone down on you-your dad called you an awkward bitch-would you accept that from others?

The shit that people put up with from family but would cut others off for.

They are your parents-they should be held to higher standards imo as they should love you unconditionally.

[SelkieFly]

I get that too. How will you feel when they're gone? But if I dont take a step back, ill be completely eroded now

[Templetreebalm]

Op have you ever looked at Karpans Triangulation Theory?
It might be really helpful in this situation.

[Templetreebalm]

Sorry Karpman

[ChateauMargaux]

You have the right to be treated with respect and have your kind and considerate behaviour reciprocated.

Bollocks to 'you will miss them when they are gone.' You might... but it doesn't mean you should stand in line and be treated like a lessor human now just because your brother behaves appallingly.

Good for you for standing up for yourself and your son. Don't let your children grow up believing that this is a decent way to behave. Model good relationships and explain why interactions with your family are the way they are.

[HotelChoc]

Thank you for the great advice about taking care of myself. I've a lot to think about.

My mum has just called...'when is your DH's birthday, I'm sure it's May'.
I give up.

I said "it's tomorrow - I told you that when I said his mum had invited us to hers for his birthday'. She said ' oh I know you said you were going, I didn't know it was for his birthday'. ...eerrrh yes you did.

I can't be bothered.

[Melroses]

Yes - you need a bit of a break.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I do feel guilty as they get older"
Guilty about what? Serious question.

"When I talk about it to friends, of course the response is always along the lines of 'you'll miss them when they're gone...or you'll regret this, I wish my DP's were still here...'. In my mind I'm not sure I would regret it but I can only know that when it's too late."
With the greatest respect to your friends - they haven't a clue. Really, they haven't.

[timeisnotaline]

I hope you’re taking on board the advice about christmas plans. Leave your parents out of it this year.

[SelkieFly]

Guilt is what im trying to cleanse. My parents chose to hurt me, chose to defend that, chose to cast themselves as victims of me. Im seeing a psychotherapist once a fortnight roughly and it does really help. I recommend it!