I’m NC with my golden child brother for my own physical protection. He is married to an equally difficult woman, who thrives on my brother treating me poorly.
My brother also manipulates my mother. He is perfect in her eyes. Wonderful (her words). Can do no wrong. She totally denies the reality of how he treats me. The violence for her is either in my head or my fault. She just cannot face reality and I have learnt this will never, ever change. I think a lot less of her because of it. The only thing I could do is withdraw.
So to go through your recent post....
I suggested that she and my dad have a clear conversation with my DB too so that everyone knows where they stand if this occurs. She says they will talk to him too, but when they’ve tried in the past he shuts down.
They will see this as you trying to stir up shit. Which in their eyes it is. They just want you to shut up and put up rather like my mother. Your parents and brother are supposed to decide the narrative, not you. By stirring this up, they won’t suddenly say, ‘oh yes, Choc is right.’ The more likely is that they will increase their feelings of victimhood.
oh why did we move here, no wonder we stayed abroad so long, we should have just stayed
Message : I’m a victim and being abused (by you).
I expected a call back from my dad, usually if I challenge their acceptance of my DB’s behaviour, my dad rings really cross, usually ‘you’ve upset your mum.
Message: you’re abusing your mum. She’s the victim.
He hasn’t and I wouldn’t have answered anyway.
Well that’s progress.
We’ll see in the future what happens. I’m going to keep talking to them about it and following through with what we’ve agreed so far.
Expect more of the above behaviour. Anything you do or say to rock the boat will have you as the abuser and them the victims. Because to see it any other way is too dangerous for them. And remember they are the ones, who created this dynamic in the first place as they decided to throw you and your children under the bus so that your brother doesn’t cut them off again. If you look at your childhood, was this dynamic set up then?
You cannot change your parents’ behaviour. All you can do is to change your reaction to theirs and you’re doing the exact opposite unfortunately to get that reaction. You’re expecting a rational response from them. You will never, ever get that because this situation is not rational.
If you want them to respect you, the only thing you can do is make yourself and your dcs less compliant. To put up boundaries of what is acceptable. Contrary what you think, if you want a more peaceful relationship, stopping talking to them about your brother and how they are with him is key.
You cannot reason with them because they are unable to be rational. You cannot nor will you ever be able to talk this out rationally. They do not understand you’re trying to make sense of the situation and trying to make rational ground rules that you can all follow. And tbh that is their choice not to do that.
Forcing them to do this from their POV is acting like your brother and they have already made their choices. He is telling them how to act and they’ve decided to obey him and his changing rules. You telling them to go against his rules will be perceived as abuse because your brother has decided you are the abuser and they are obeying him... and if this dynamic started in childhood, you are also going against their rules and world view that their son is the perfect golden child, who can do no wrong.
Take a step back and think about what that meant to them and how they saw themselves when he went NC for 8 years. Think about that fear for a moment. Not to empathise, just to understand that you cannot ever ever change this by fighting against your brother or their view of him.
I would suggest a period of low contact. No contact if you prefer. Not to punish them. But so that you can heal yourself and detach from the toxicity. Therapy would be good. I used to do exactly what you’re doing. I no longer do. I would also suggest you respect your brother’s desire to be NC. Not because you are in the wrong. But because they are obeying him. In his and therefore their eyes, you are the abuser. You don’t have to agree with this. Just to realise that you cannot fight it.
I have some clangers in my life with my mother. But she also used to pull the sort of thing you’re describing regularly. Including prioritising my brother over my dd when she was a baby, ie making plans with me then dropping them for him and expecting me to comply.... including wanting me to wake baby dd up as they’d visited him first when I begged them not to as she’d be asleep.
I always used to try to reason it out and beg. I don’t do this anymore and she no longer pulls this shit because I went NC with her for a few months. She went too far and talked abominably about my dd when she was about 7. It was a bit of a reset. And since then I’ve seriously pulled away. She does push at times. But I don’t bite...well I have a few times. But I try hard not to.
Interestingly my mother knows exactly what she’s doing to me... Christmas with her is also contentious. I invited my cousin to come and stay over at Christmas and said I was also intending on inviting my mother but hadn’t done so yet. Did she and her dh want to come too? My mother got wind of this one and when I asked her if she’d like to come, she was incensed that she hadn’t been asked first and I had prioritised my cousin. I hadn’t. Batshit batshit.... and this was the Christmas after she’d dropped me in favour of my brother Christmas Day. IE I invited her and then my brother did after. Brother and I vaguely took it in turns and it was my ‘turn’ that year... Thinking about it, there were a lot of instances, where the same sort of thing you’re describing happened between my brother and me... and this was all before I went NC with him rather than after as I no longer play those games.
Do you get on well with your in laws?