Vanilla partner for an easy life?

[littlepieces]

Did anyone here actively choose a 'vanilla' partner mainly for a simple, stable life? How did it go?

What is a vanilla partner ? Do you mean dull, or do you mean ordinary ?

Do you mean someone you find boring or someone you find safe but miss the intensity of a different dynamic?

I think there's a difference.

Yes, I suppose I mean both ordinary and safe.

Not boring, agree that's very different.

I think I did. The day he asked me to marry him I remember thinking 'at least I know he'll never hurt me." And that was the most positive thing I could think of. I feel like I made a mistake, as harsh as that sounds on him. 13 years down the line, I want to get away. I'm worn down. Are you deciding whether to go vanilla, OP? Or did you already do that and now regretting it?

Do you have someone in mind or is this hypothetical?

It’s completely unfair to settle for someone because they’re ordinary and you find them unexciting, they deserve better than that.

I married someone safe but I don't think it's a bad thing. Though when we first married I did miss a bit of fun I used to have but we have a lot of respect security and it's definitely better than I could ask for really.

Surely Vanilla-ness lies in the eyes of the beholder.

I chose vanilla I guess, but then I’ve never craved danger or drama, especially not in a partner, never bought into the “bad boy” thing. I see “safe” as a good thing. So it wasn’t a compromise.

I did and am so glad. But i recognise this wouldn't suit everyone. I grew up with a dad who was 'artistic' and had the temperament to go with it - always storming around, threatening suicide, having wild affairs, trying to seduce neighbours and friends. Our home was chaotic and I used to look at friends who's parents were normal with such longing. To me they were exotic and magical. So I really enjoy living with someone safe and dependable. He's funny and clever and kind too and has loads of plans for our future now DC are grown. From the outside we look so dull but we are happy together and I value that so much.

I doubt many here would consider my dh exciting. Never been into parties or going clubbing etc. His idea of a good night out is the cinema or theatre or curry or pub meal. Day out - visit the seaside or NT. We have an allotment where we grow veg and flowers, he had it before we started going out together. Still thinks 70's music is modern and 80's is cutting edge. Wouldn't say it was for a simple stable life, mainly because I'm much the same.

Been together since mid 80's. Still married, still happy together.

@19Bears

I think I did. The day he asked me to marry him I remember thinking 'at least I know he'll never hurt me." And that was the most positive thing I could think of. I feel like I made a mistake, as harsh as that sounds on him. 13 years down the line, I want to get away. I'm worn down. Are you deciding whether to go vanilla, OP? Or did you already do that and now regretting it?

Actually I think this sounds pretty rubbish - he deserves better , and someone that loves him for himself

Not intentionally but yes. It has pros and cons

I wouldn't call DH vanilla but he isn't perhaps what I would have chosen on an OLD profile. I think we all maybe make compromises on some things - or at least - we are probably unlikely to find Mr/Miss perfect so there will always be a few areas we don't agree or match up....?

DH has many wonderful attributes and is kind, funny, family orientated and hard working. We do have some disagreements on politics, academic stuff and some morality issues - he is a bit old fashioned sometimes and the DCs and I have to laugh him out of it.

We met when I was mid 30s and just out of an abusive relationship. I was so relieved to find someone safe, and also wanted children, so although I knew we had a few differences I thought it could work, and was prepared to try. And 20 years later (with the occasional row...) we are very happy with two DCs and things are generally pretty good!

If anyone of us is vanilla it's probably me. But I guess you're really asking whether it's OK to make compromises, and the answer is yes - we all do!! But if you compromise to an extent where the relationship is no longer working for you, then that is an issue. Only you know what to do next....

I have a lovely DP of three years, he's funny, kind and intelligent. He is not the kind of man I expected to be settling with though. He is very homely, family oriented, and has very simple interests - loves watching/playing football and tennis, going to the pub with his mates, and country walks. He's one of those very easily content people who is happy with his lot in life.

I grew up with very dysfunctional parents and my fear has always been ending up in a long term relationship or marriage that ends up like theirs, abusive and unhappy. I've have had a few relationships with men who were quite aloof, indifferent and uncommitted, but more adventurous in nature, into travel and cultural thingd, doing outdoorsy stuff and having new experiences etc. like me. I've come to the conclusion it's a bit of a trade off. Steady, safe but a little plain vs exciting, interesting but never really knowing where you stand.

@Cowbells

I did and am so glad. But i recognise this wouldn't suit everyone. I grew up with a dad who was 'artistic' and had the temperament to go with it - always storming around, threatening suicide, having wild affairs, trying to seduce neighbours and friends. Our home was chaotic and I used to look at friends who's parents were normal with such longing. To me they were exotic and magical. So I really enjoy living with someone safe and dependable. He's funny and clever and kind too and has loads of plans for our future now DC are grown. From the outside we look so dull but we are happy together and I value that so much.

My DH also had a dad like this. Hence him being reliable, sensible, kind and not given to dramatics. He isn’t boring, he is interesting and good fun, I would hate chaos and constant drama.

Should add - he probably would like to change a lot of things about me too. Especially as I used to be fit and active and we did sporty stuff, whereas I'm nowadays lazy and unfit, and more likely to send him off with the kids on a bike ride/to pay tennis while I cook supper.

As the rich guy said in Some like it hot - 'nobody's perfect'....!

Thank you @theuncles that's interesting.

I think you hit the nail on the head - DP isn't someone I'd pick OLD at all based on looks and what his bio might say, but we get on really well. I just wonder if that's OK because I feel a bit bad about it!

That sounds more like you don't feel you deserve a good man.

@littlepieces

Thank you *@theuncles* that's interesting.

I think you hit the nail on the head - DP isn't someone I'd pick OLD at all based on looks and what his bio might say, but we get on really well. I just wonder if that's OK because I feel a bit bad about it!

When I met DH I said to my boss - 'he's not Mr Right but is lovely for Mr Right now.....' or something equally corny. I didn't expect it to last but it just did. He's a few years younger than I am and seemed a little immature when we met, but deep down his values are good and we always make each other laugh.

He doesn't come from a very academic background and some of my jokes are best shared with my siblings. On the other hand - he's brilliantly practical with cars/boilers/leaking roofs etc, which my family envy. We all have different skills. I think you should go with your gut feeling - unless your differences are so major that they will cause problems in future then enjoy what you have!

But you do need to fancy him and respect him or you will get the 'ick'...... Good luck - I'm sure he's lovely and I hope it works out.

I don't think someone "vanilla" is necessarily safe.

I wouldn’t call my DP ‘vanilla’ as such. He does a really amazing high profile (in his organisation) creative job and his brain is wired differently to anyone else I know, but he is utterly devoted to us and family life and is happy puttering about at home, going for a walk, or cooking a nice dinner. He makes me feel utterly safe and protected and I love that.

Yep. After a lifetime of dating passionate artistic types who couldn't settle down. Chose one with not a creative bone in his bod or any imagination really. This meant he wanted all the basic things I'd spent a lifetime avoiding, mortgage, kids marriage (I've not given in to the last), happy to stay in one place with a normal job and have the same clothes, holidays, food continually.

Problems have been, not keen on his family though they've grown on me. Could travel three hours to visit and then they'd sit in silence with the TV on.
Can't talk about books. He owns popular ones but doesn't really read them.
Doesn't often think of interesting things to do with DC unless prompted.
Has to be forced to be sociable although he can be really funny when he's relaxed, he doesn't shine meeting new people.

Bonuses, he's a very calm influence. Not temperamental, not argumentative, happy for me to lead, lovely helpful, caring dad.

It works. Sometimes I miss the drama. I look for good conversation with friends. Sometimes I wish I was a bit more challenged by him or that he'd take the lead more.

DP isn't someone I'd pick OLD at all based on looks and what his bio might say, but we get on really well

Do you find him attractive OP.
I chose a vanilla partner because I had been treated badly by previous partners and he was stable. I didn’t find him attractive but I didn’t find him unattractive.

With previous relationships, I found them hugely attractive sexually and they hadn’t worked out. Ten years forwards with DH, I do not fancy him and haven’t fit the last five years really. That makes it difficult for me to be intimate with him. I regret settling. I’d like if there was attraction and passion. Instead I am worn down by the lack of any spontaneity and the lack of joy he brings. Everything he does has to be planned and his first reaction to any suggestion is no because it was ‘sprung’ on him. When we go anywhere he is constantly looking at his watch because he wants to be home by a certain time. It’s soul destroying and such a dreary environment for the children.

My first big love was Ghost Chilli flavoured. If you look up the word “intense” in the dictionary there’s a photo of him (he’s also featured next to “prick” and “lying, despicable cunt”, I believe). He fucked me up good and proper, so I very actively went for vanilla when I was on the rebound from Mr. GC.

Mr. Vanilla was nice and reliable and sweet and just the most boring man on Earth. I didn’t love him, but I wanted to. Not least because I knew he would be loyal and never leave me (as Mr. Ghost Chilli had). When Mr. Vanilla proposed (with the most vanilla ring, in the most vanilla proposal of all time) the thought that went through my head was immediately “oh well, I don’t really want this but at least I know that he won’t ever leave me”.

And he didn’t. But I did eventually leave him after a few years when I met and quickly fell in love with someone who was a bit more flavourful.

I ended up marrying the new guy and we’ve been together for a couple of decades now, happily with a couple of kids and a couple of cats. He’s lovely. He’s not Ghost Chilli, but neither is he vanilla. He’s a very tasty flavour that’s kind to my metaphorical taste buds but not boring to them either. He’s a nice coconut or an interesting mint choc chip, if you will.

As someone who’s lived it, this is my assessment: There’s nothing wrong with vanilla if you’re going with vanilla because you genuinely like it. If you’re going with vanilla and can taste all of the nuances of it, vanilla might just be the flavour for you. But If you’re going for vanilla just because it’s not Ghost Chilli? That won’t work. You’ll just end up resenting vanilla for not being interesting enough a flavour, which isn’t fair because it’s not vanillas fault that it tastes like vanilla.

I hope that I’ve not lost you in the flavour metaphor there.... There’s plenty to be said for vanilla in life, but not if you’re going for vanilla as a reaction to another bad flavour experience.