Vanilla partner for an easy life?

[littlepieces]

Did anyone here actively choose a 'vanilla' partner mainly for a simple, stable life? How did it go?

Yup. Did not work out well for me. 😂

Everyone is someone else's vanilla.

It's such a superior and disrespectful way to refer to a human being.

Someone who thinks they're a very exciting flavour is likely to be incredibly dull

I also think that immature people sometimes labour under the impression that immaturity and messiness is interesting whereas the reality of dealing with an immature person tends to be really repetitive and sucks the oxygen out of life. If by vanilla you mean repressed or lazy, I would say that these qualities are often just as likely to be hiding under the surface with people who, say, shine at a party.

I did. We have a great life in that we are financially well off, nice house, naice area.

Our beautiful DC's who I would die for.

I love DH but he doesn't ignite fire in me. We've been together 20 years and twice during that time I've met a man who has done that, probably the type I would have been with had I followed just my heart. I would never do anything to hurt my DH. But fucking hell it hurts me sometimes.
I would say don't do it but life is neither simple nor black and white.

I know a few people (men) who consider themselves the opposite of vanilla - controversial, original thinkers, setting the world on fire with their edgy coolness. They are so full of shit it’s almost laughable.

I don't think you should find your oh boring. I think you should respect, fancy, have fun with, admire be interested in, want to spend time with, have enough things in common with, be attracted to your partner. And there should be fairness and respect, love and spark.

Flavours are irrelevant imo.

I think that people are also assuming that Mr Vanilla is less likely to be an adulterous abuser than Mr Hot Chilli Bad Boy so the equation seems to be 'I punch down to Mt Boring, and in response I get the security that he's not shagging Jane from Accounts or liable to beat me up' but I don't think that's an assumption that bears any scrutiny at all.

@PinotPony

I married a vanilla guy. Kind, intelligent, stable. Good job. Own home. Would never cheat or treat me badly. He was my best friend. I just didn't fancy him much.

I remember thinking that I was settling for 9 out of 10 and could sacrifice that desire and passion for a great family man. And besides... there's no such thing as a 10...

We went on to have 2 children and stayed together for 20 years. But we'd built an entire life on a unstable foundation.

The lack of sex and intimacy destroyed us. We were just friends. I got resentful and restless. He appeared dull and unadventurous to me. No motivation, no get up and go... just a boring middle aged couch potato. I wanted to socialise, dine out, travel... he wanted to watch tv and eat takeaway.

We split a couple of years ago. He is still my best friend and I love him dearly. I don't regret a moment of our life together. It was the best decision I made. But I'm enjoying tasting all the other flavours on offer!

This has knocked me for six. You have described my situation exactly. I'm some steps behind you though, stuck in a growing dissatisfaction and fear of splitting up. Vanilla in my case has meant 20 years of deep and caring friendship. But the scales have fallen from my eyes and I'm realising that I put aside all my dreams of travel, living abroad etc because he wanted to stay in the same job, the same town. Now we are parents and I'm trapped.

OP think carefully. Vanilla can be comfortable. But in my case, resentment has built.

V bad idea, IMO. When life challenges hit you you need to have felt sufficiently in love with them to survive the pressures well, I find. I have made this mistake before, and wish I’d had a better understanding of relationships.

Also I entirely agree with @Wabe. My ‘vanilla’ husband eventually turned out to be emotionally abusive.

I think the whole concept of 'vanilla' is a bit weird. It's just what you want out of life and understanding that.

I wanted some travel, a career but also a lifetime relationship. Despite what they say sometimes you can't have it all.
I have husband who loves me and puts me first. I've travelled fairly extensively sometimes on my own as DH didn't want to come, sometimes with him if it was someplace he wanted to visit, sometimes as a family. I wasn't very happy with my job when we met and he encouraged me to retrain. He actively helped me study and revise and get through the course.
If OLD was around when we were younger I doubt many mumsnetters would have given his profile a second look.

@Quirrelsotherface

I did. We have a great life in that we are financially well off, nice house, naice area.

Our beautiful DC's who I would die for.

I love DH but he doesn't ignite fire in me. We've been together 20 years and twice during that time I've met a man who has done that, probably the type I would have been with had I followed just my heart. I would never do anything to hurt my DH. But fucking hell it hurts me sometimes.
I would say don't do it but life is neither simple nor black and white.

@Quirrelsotherface that's quite presumptuous though that those two.men would have wanted a lasting and committed relationship with you and also that they didn't have unseen downsides which would have meant any relationship with them wouldn't have actually worked out...

DateXY well as I know my life and the situations I was in, it wasn't presumptuous at all. Quite how you know otherwise without knowing any details is amazing

[quote littlepieces]@SteveArnottsCodeine Your post is brilliant.

Actually DP is a really funny, intelligent man. We have a lot of laughs, he doesn't take life too seriously. He's really kind and gentle. He's got lots of good friends, all different kinds of people. I am attracted to him although he's not conventionally good looking. He's just not very adventurous in life, I guess that's what it boils down to. I wouldnt say I've done anything incredible, but I've been to uni, travelled a lot, lived abroad, have tried/done lots of things and want to do more and challenge myself. I'm not keen on the marriage and kids in suburbia life. He does come along and do things with me, but he'd probably be content to spend every weekend of the rest of his life watching football and visiting his family.[/quote]
@littlepieces
Definitely break up with him based on the above. It's not fair on him or his potential future wife who'll be a much better match, for you to selfishly hang onto him for fear of being single.

It honestly doesn't sound like you'll be compatible down the line and your resentment and unhappiness will only grow. Look for the type of man you want otherwise you'll always have itchy feet, especially when the drudgery of long term relationship and family comes. There are literally TONS of women looking for a man like your boyfriend. Set him free to find a woman who will truly appreciate him.

so how do you feel about the husband saying similar about you? that he settled, that it hurts sometimes that he didn't follow his heart. I don't think you'd feel too good about yourself?

I wouldn't marry someone you don't feel is either your equal or you feel you learn something new about every day (not "better" than you, but inspires admiration in you ie. has an interest in life's journey.

The alternative is you might just find someone settled for YOU too... not nice to know. Couldn't do it myself, I know someone who says that about her husband and I think it's cruel and slightly arrogant - whose to say he doesn't feel the same about her - maybe they both "settled" and that empty feeling she feels about him is actually also the empty feeling she feels back reflected on her from his slight disappointment in her too.

Yes and I got bored and left him. Life is too short. Don’t do it!

Reflecting about what vanilla means. To me it is the finest double cream, the richest whole milk, the freshest free range eggs (possibly even duck eggs) mixed with caster sugar infused for weeks with the best vanilla pods, lovingly churned. Or vanilla can be a tub of soft scoop.

One of my old boyfriends was a very smart, bright chap who was fun and made me laugh. He is well known now as an actor and writer. He was fun but he wasn't for me. He has been married rather a lot.

DH is a very smart, bright chap (better looking actually) with an incisive intellect. He does not like travel especially, he likes what he knows which is why we have a 2nd home in a holiday destination we loves. DH is steadier, quieter, lower key. More serious on the surface certainly but less complicated.

DH was right for me, partly due to the timing, partly because we share values, beliefs, ambitions, etc. We are also organised planners who like things just so.

Who knows what goes on behind closed doors. Vanilla is different for different people. My vanilla may be someone else's Heston concoction with a chilli infusion.

As someone who has always operated a strict ‘no dickheads’ policy in my relationships, I take the view that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a decent, safe, principled partner.

My DP will never, ever produce a creative masterpiece or make grand romantic gestures, or spontaneously do outrageous things or be the life & soul of any party, or get into fights or squander our money or get some slapper pregnant, and all of that is completely fine by me.

@AgeLikeWine

As someone who has always operated a strict ‘no dickheads’ policy in my relationships, I take the view that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a decent, safe, principled partner.

My DP will never, ever produce a creative masterpiece or make grand romantic gestures, or spontaneously do outrageous things or be the life & soul of any party, or get into fights or squander our money or get some slapper pregnant, and all of that is completely fine by me.

Calling a woman a slapper would never be fine by me.

My partner was the frontman of a band who regularly toured with my favourite band and worked as a roadie when he wasn’t playing.

He seemed wild, outgoing, funny and popular… now he’s as vanilla as they come but if you’ve ever had the misfortune of hanging out with musicians you’ll know how dull they all are socially so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that he turned out to be a bit of a loveable Wally.

@pinkmagnolias I could have written your post. It's awful. And part of what makes it awful is that there is nothing "bad" about him. There is just no joy. And no sex. I am miserable.

@figuresomethingout

Everyone is someone else's vanilla.

It's such a superior and disrespectful way to refer to a human being.

Someone who thinks they're a very exciting flavour is likely to be incredibly dull

I don't see it as disrespectful - but then I genuinely love vanilla ice cream. All those sickly Oreo and salted caramel try hard flavours are nothing on a good bit of vanilla pod and cream. Not bland at all - just subtle.

Grumpasaurus I’m sorry to read that. We are just existing not living. It sucks

Those who think they are married to very reliable, vanilla guys, —- they may well suprise you one day and not in a good way. Most of the affairs I’ve come across amongst friends or prostitute use or going off with a guy or suddenly find they have enormous gambling debts etc have been amongst pretty ‘vanilla’ guys, rather than those you might have thought would be candidates

Its all a lottery. If you see Mr Vanilla as the family man, watching telly, going for walks etc and Mr Chilli as the fun, nightclub, staying out partying, going of adventuring type then you shouldn't be surprised at getting bored with Mr Vanilla if you really wanted Mr Chilli. However if you went for Mr Chilli you shouldn't complain or be surprised when Mr Chilli doesn't want to become Mr Vanilla when/if children come along.