Vanilla partner for an easy life?

[littlepieces]

Did anyone here actively choose a 'vanilla' partner mainly for a simple, stable life? How did it go?

Fiddlefig you’ve just described my role in our relationship. I organise interesting visits to x,y,z and we all enjoy ourselves.

I’m with someone who is the polar opposite to what I thought I liked. For me I used to go for quite muscle-y, tattooed, rough and rugged type. Never worked out.

I then became friends with DP who is so far from that, very.. very slim, clean cut, very shy and quiet.

I couldn’t be more in love with him; but I have to be honest.. the love grew more, the more we were together and I got to know his personality. He’s very genuine, kind, a bit shy but can also crack a good joke and has a similar sense of humour to me. He’s not lazy, works hard, he’s very understanding and doesn’t brush off any of my feelings, can have an adult conversation when we disagree on something without turning it into a full blown argument, doesn’t need to be asked or prompted to do any housework, and he’s the most amazing father to our DD(1).

It’s made me think that perhaps going for someone who you externally wouldn’t usually go for, could work out in your favour.

@19Bears I think I did. The day he asked me to marry him I remember thinking 'at least I know he'll never hurt me."

I thought this and married him and had a child. The bastard turned out to be a series cheater - I was obviously such a bad judge of character because I remember thinking exactly the same thing.

I too went for someone I wouldn't normally go for. I suppose I liked clever men, certainly had some with great jobs. But one was too right wing for me, another one was mean.

My fiance now is big and muscley, quiet, sitting there on his phone looking at the rugby results. He doesn't know anything about new age stuff, he isn't into politics. One good thing is that we really fancy each other. But over time I've come to really like him very much, he's just a naturally good person.

I'd say, pay attention to how you feel around him. And whether you look forward to seeing him. Life can bring enough ups and downs, but can you be at peace with your partner? That's the longterm question.

I’ve had my share of ‘exciting’ dramatic relationships with self-centred men, OP. I was so over that by the time I met my loving, reliable husband. Tiptoeing around narcissists’ egos is not actually very interesting as a way of life.

DH’s life was a bit dull when we met, while mine was erratic and unsettled. We each brought what the other needed. Twenty years in, we’re happier than ever. I tend to have the ideas and get things moving, he provides the back-up. Most importantly, we love and value each other.

Congratulations on finding someone you get on really well with, OP. He sounds lovely. I hope you can shake off the disruptive effects of your past (which sounds similar to mine) and let yourself enjoy life with someone who cares about you.

Yes I did. I was crazy in love with someone else who just didnt treat me the way I deserved. At the time my then friend/now husband would always tell me I deserved better and that he was no good. We split up with him and a year later I started a relationship with friend/now husband. He tried his best to make me happy and gave me the secure (I was raised by grandma - mum died and dad just wasn't interested) family life I was looking for. He had a good job (it shouldn't matter but at the time I remember considering this too) and a very good heart. Four years down the line we married and we are now married for 5 years with a DS (2years old) and very happy.

With time I fell in love with him and now couldn't imagine a life without him. I am blessed with a complete angel and feel I just don't deserve him.

I can make my own fun. I follow up on what im interested in myself.
Is he good company though?
Do you have a connection?
Doe the conversation flow?

I like the sound of not being hurt. Im single so ... have gone after men who did hurt me, a lot.
Wouldnt bother now im older.

Funnily enough i think a lot of the men who hurt me saw me as vanilla. They didnt settle down with me but killed time with me. Im not boring. I may be ordinary though.

I know two people, a man and a woman, for whom this description would be appropriate (not a couple themselves). I am looking in from the outside of course, but one has a lovely family, and the other although never having children appear to have had a happy life together (sadly widowed a couple of years ago).

@littlepieces

I have a lovely DP of three years, he's funny, kind and intelligent. He is not the kind of man I expected to be settling with though. He is very homely, family oriented, and has very simple interests - loves watching/playing football and tennis, going to the pub with his mates, and country walks. He's one of those very easily content people who is happy with his lot in life.

I grew up with very dysfunctional parents and my fear has always been ending up in a long term relationship or marriage that ends up like theirs, abusive and unhappy. I've have had a few relationships with men who were quite aloof, indifferent and uncommitted, but more adventurous in nature, into travel and cultural thingd, doing outdoorsy stuff and having new experiences etc. like me. I've come to the conclusion it's a bit of a trade off. Steady, safe but a little plain vs exciting, interesting but never really knowing where you stand.

I was worried about this 'safe v exciting' at first. I got unhappy quite quickly when I tried to fit into his very safe, quiet, steady world. But then I realised I wasn't doing my job in the marriage. His job was to be safe and mine was to add a bit of excitement. I just nudged DH gently towards some of the more fun stuff. He's done stuff with me he'd never have dreamed of doing by himself (climbing mountains, camping in the desert, treks by horse and camel, visiting Africa and the Far East etc) and the stuff that is too outdoorsy for him I just do with DC or friends.

We had a lovely conversation once DC started uni about what we wanted to do with the rest of our lives and he really surprised me by coming up with a long list of adventures, so we are going on some once restrictions are lifted.

And safe definitely doesn't need to mean boring. DH loves cultural stuff - art, books, theatre etc. He has introduced me to loads of stuff I'd never have heard of.

Vanilla men often choose women who have more adventurous natures than them and it's a lovely balance - they are steady as rocks and we get to nudge them out of their safe world a bit. It can be a really happy combination. Safe doesn't mean dull.

DH is a "vanilla" kind of man - kind, reliable, hard-working, calm. He respects me and never shouts at anyone and is a great dad to our DC.

I didn't "settle" for him in any way - I'm crazy about him and I think he's amazing! I think I'm lucky that I find that kind of man attractive. My exes were nice guys too (except maybe my teenage ex who took a lot of drugs and slept around - when I was 17 I thought that was kinda cool).

I don’t think funny, kind and intelligent is vanilla. He sounds lovely. A partner can’t do everything for you in your life, so maybe other stuff you can do with friends. Or you organise it and he comes along.

Remember being single is an option.

Ithink i did date men who took more than they gave and i was the other way around :-/
These men thought i was a vanilla place holdrr. I thought i was a decent human being! I do value security though so ii was barking up the wrong trees in my 20s and 30s

Me and my DH and both quite “vanilla”. Works well for us. We do have a laugh though and we fit well together. But I would never have “settled”. You need to love the person.

*are

I did. I thought I’d made the safe choice but I was wrong as he had an affair 6 years into our marriage. We’re still together many years later and i long to escape. Not only is he boring vanilla, he’s a lying bxxxxd too. I will leave one day.

Yes, I'm in a decade long relationship with someone who reminds me of Moss from the IT crowd. He's kind, reliable, nerdy and easy going, has hidden depths and knows lots of interesting stuff but bores me with the detail sometimes. No interest in football or sports, happy in his own company. Relies on my to organise stuff to do. Not very proactive. Our relationship has its own frustrations - I recently told him I just want him to leave the house without me sometimes as he's always here now we're FT WFH.

However this relationship is the easiest and most relaxed I've had. Others were exciting and dramatic but this is perfect for 35yo + me. I wouldn't have dated him in my twenties.

All my friends and family like him too whereas they didn't with some of my past boyfriends.

I don't think liking travel, exploring different cultures, and seeking adventure is synonymous with with an unstable relationship. The most boring men can treat you badly.

If vanilla means kind, caring and committed rather than aloof and indifferent I'd go for vanilla every time. There are plenty of men who can be that sort of 'vanilla' and still enjoy outdoor sports, travel and adventure. Equally there are plenty of couch potatoes who are utter shits.

You would probably consider my DH vanilla. He isn't sporty and dislikes travel so I enjoy those things on my own or with friends. They are enhanced by having him to come home to. He is also clever and funny and I still enjoy his company after 35 years together.

Yeah, I think the boring = safe equation is often fallacious. The married man who tried to have an affair with me was boring as fuck. It genuinely took me some time to see what he was up to, despite how obvious he was being, as I just could not comprehend that a man like that would want an affair. (Turned out he had actually had one with someone else in the past, too).

I have had a mix of boring and more exciting men for my LTRs, and not been treated especially worse or better overall by either group - I don’t think there’s much correlation between boringness and morality. My current one is the least boring man I’ve ever had an LTR with by about a million miles (he’s a bit of a wild child and quite alternative really ), but I have no reason to think he would cheat, (tho of course he may) and in general he treats me more respectfully, certainly up to this point, than any of the others did. It’s been under a year tho to be fair (I’m classing it as an LTR more because we moved in together due to Covid) - I reckon it takes longer than that to really show us a man,,,,,

Anyway, I’ll never go for boring again, as boring is..... boring. And doesn’t, in my experience, make you any safer either.....

I think the actual problem is that you fall into a pattern of thinking about either/or about people when in reality it's more like "a bit of this, a bit of that, a bit of the other."

What I mean is, someone can be exciting in some parts of their life, and uninteresting/safe in others. It is possible for humans to be very active and interested in hobbies/activities, AND be organised and sensible about the everyday stuff eg paying bills.

It can be tempting to fall into the trap of thinking that if someone is really sorted and has a very smooth day to day life without crises then somehow they must be boring too. But logically that holds no water at all - surely as adults we can manage to do interesting things and also manage to keep a roof over our heads!

You also need to consider that what other people think of as vanilla, you might think of as super-spicy, or vice versa. I would think a partner who wanted to constantly socialise with others very boring as I hate it. But they would probably say I was boring and vanilla because I hate parties and would rather spend time on individual hobbies.

You're never going to find a perfect partner, because we're all human beings. Also thinking long term, your tastes will change over time, so the guy who may have been close to perfect in 2021 could be a pain in your arse by 2031. Having children changes your priorities massively, as does working on your self-development.

The one thing I definitely couldn't settle for would be vanilla in the bedroom department. An active, non-monogamous, experimental sex life is vital for me. I've tried settling on this point in the past and it just doesn't work and causes pain all round.

I think the problem is not about choosing someone sensible, dependable etc. over a "bad boy" or edgy type. The problem is you are categorising your future partner/ husband as "vanilla". It implies that you are bored from the outset, which doesn't bode well for the future of the relationship.

My partner is very much safe, dependable, sensible and a little geeky. But I would never describe that as "vanilla" - he's exactly what I want and I am completely besotted with him. Just because he doesn't have an "edge" doesn't mean he is any less interesting to me as a person.

If you lump your partner into a category of "vanilla" or boring, whatever the reason for that, then yes I think there is a problem and you will not be happy long term because actually you probably aren't in love with them.

Also wondering if you can clarify whether you mean vanilla in the bedroom department? If you are talking about sexual needs/ fetishes then if they don't match up or if he isnt' able to explore your desires with you then you will also struggle long term.

I thought I a bit had. He turned into an abusive bastard.