Vanilla partner for an easy life?

[littlepieces]

Did anyone here actively choose a 'vanilla' partner mainly for a simple, stable life? How did it go?

I did that, and not a day goes by without wishing I could go back to the not so safe partner I should have chosen. Cannot change the situation as it would break the hearts of 2 families but if I had a magic wand I would turn back time. In the meantime I try my best to make the most of what I chose. I suppose I made my bed, so I need to lie in it.

@Quirrelsotherface of course it's presumptuous ...the only way you (or anyone else in that situation) would know if it would have actually worked out with these men is if it was somehow possible to live alternative lives simultaneously.

For all you know, after the relationship honeymoon period, those men could have found the reality of a live in long term relationship with you vanilla down the line and gone off to seek more excitement elsewhere (if they actually chose to marry you in the first place that is).

Like others have said, there's an air of arrogance/presumption in some posts. For all these itchy feet women know, their current partners may have 'settled' in some aspects to be with them, and all these exciting men they feel they deserved may have in reality turned out to be cheating/bad partners, or ultimately chosen another woman to settle down with, not them.

@Derrymum123 is it your dh's fault though? He wants a quiet life but that shouldn't prevent you from doing exciting things: learn to glide, ride a motorbike, go to concerts - you can do all of those things alone or with a girlfriend and shouldn't need a partner to facilitate you.

When DH and I met, people told me he was a boring sod. Liked football and cricket and a Tory. Worked incredibly hard and never made waves. Likes opera and classical music and reads the intercessions at church. Never at home because a workaholic and lots of people had issues with that. Roll on 25 years: he's so boring and hardworking and plenty of people tell me how lucky we are - when actually it has nothing to do with luck and everything to do with working together. Now tell me how boring it is to be friends of the ROH and Glyndebourne (bloody boring during covid actually), to have a home in France, a sports car on the drive, children who are trustafarians, etc, etc. Not forgetting loyalty, honesty, kindness and an awesome intellect. Probably works because I can be staid and boring too albeit am more naturally extrovert but we are a team and have worked together. I can't bear to sit through a test match at Lords with him; I struggle with Wagner's Ring; he detests modern art and an avant garde dramatic production but it doesn't stop us from going. We still make each other laugh and can tell each other good heartedly to fuck off when necessary.

We make our lives and shouldn't facilitate the boring bits of another person - rather learn to live with the boring bits, develop what excites you and find some common ground.

My MIL (Mrs glass half empty) always said oh I couldn't do x, FIL wouldn't go abroad, didn't like parties, didn't like entertaining. Nothing stopped her from going abroad, booking tickets and taking him except herself but she didn't have the confidence to make a decision and blamed it all on FIL.

@Derrymum123 is it your dh's fault though? He wants a quiet life but that shouldn't prevent you from doing exciting things: learn to glide, ride a motorbike, go to concerts - you can do all of those things alone or with a girlfriend and shouldn't need a partner to facilitate you.

Indeed, there's nothing to stop you doing what you want.

I'm sort of in the same boat as @RosesAndHellebores. I like travel but OH hates the heat so only comes with me if it isn't a hot place (we honeymooned in the Orkneys and Highlands - romantic?). We have lots in common but he's never held me back from doing what I wanted (provided it fits in with 'family life' - I doubt he'd be keen if I wanted to spend 5 years in a commune). In all I've done he's been my greatest supporter, first to celebrate my success, first to reassure me when it didn't work out.
A good relationship isn't necessarily living in one another's pockets but should include supporting each other to enjoy their life to the fullest.

Exactly @BigFatLiar - we have a home in France because he likes things to be familiar and that's August sorted every year. It hasn't stopped me from visiting friends overseas and since dd was about 14 we have had a week somewhere warm whilst dh and ds ski (at the same place every year ) and plenty of city breaks. DD and I are planning a trip somewhere exotic and educational post covid which dovetails with her first degree. DH would hate it.

@BigFatLiar

I doubt many here would consider my dh exciting. Never been into parties or going clubbing etc. His idea of a good night out is the cinema or theatre or curry or pub meal. Day out - visit the seaside or NT. We have an allotment where we grow veg and flowers, he had it before we started going out together. Still thinks 70's music is modern and 80's is cutting edge. Wouldn't say it was for a simple stable life, mainly because I'm much the same.

Been together since mid 80's. Still married, still happy together.

Sounds like a dream!

Your last sentence of your last post says it all. It sounds a little disdainful of him and how he likes to spend his time . If you feel like that now imagine how you will feel in 10 years time . Give him the chance to find someone who is better suited to him , and someone who will appreciate his many good points wholeheartedly.