Vanilla partner for an easy life?

[littlepieces]

Did anyone here actively choose a 'vanilla' partner mainly for a simple, stable life? How did it go?

I did. Best thing I ever did. I grew up with a dad who was prone to tempers, violence, he was just generally toxic. When I was younger I was drawn to similar ‘bad boys’ and almost ended up having a mental breakdown due to the way they treated me. I decided I couldn’t risk living with someone like that long term and then a couple of years later met DH. He’s safe, dependable, reliable and kind. He looks after us all and doesn’t just ‘lose it’. I don’t live an exciting life, but I live a happy one and my children are growing up in a stable home.

My type when I was dating was always the most unsuitable challenging and inherently dysfunctional men. Dh was not my type at all - he was safe and more than a bit square but despite this I fell in love - truly, madly, deeply - he might appear vanilla but he was absolutely the right choice for me, he's incredibly clever, modest, funny, loyal, interesting, caring, sensitive, compassionate, supportive - 22 years on no regrets here.

The crucial point is that you shouldn’t find them boring or unattractive, whatever their hobbies are.

I did, i married him, and then went off the rails looking for adventure (20's)
I'm now in my 30s and I look at him, settled and happy and wish I had stayed.
There's alot to be said for vanilla.

I did, I was unhappy.

I have a good friend who admitted that she never fancied her husband, and chose him for security and safety. Turns out he wasn’t vanilla at all, but a secret painkiller addict, who ended up doing a whole lot of illegal things to fund his habit, and brought huge shame onto her nice middle class family. Anyone can let you down I guess, and she doesn’t have the highs to compensate for the lows.

I think it needs more unpicking than labelling people vanilla or not vanilla tbh. I mean... what do you mean by someone 'exciting'? If you mean someone who's really energetic with exciting hobbies and a massive sense of fun, and that’s important to you, then maybe you should hold out for someone like that.

But all too often when women talk about wanting a man who's not boring/vanilla/safe, I think they actually mean someone a bit volatile with whom they'd have an unstable, rollercoaster relationship. That's not an 'interesting' man, it's an arsehole or an abuser.

@SteveArnottsCodeine

This!!!

I'm currently looking for my strawberry cheesecake 😊

I married someone who was vanilla in every way, it lasted ten years and then I realised that watching tv in the evenings and not doing anything exciting at the weekends was not for me. I haven’t met anyone that isn’t vanilla since 🤣 so I’m still single but it’s much better than being with someone how has no ambition and no sense of adventure, maybe when I’m 50 I might settle for someone who’s a bit vanilla (or maybe not).

I don't know if you think this but your posts come across like you think you're better than you partner, more exciting and interesting. Don't let that develop into contempt.

There is a big difference between what we think we want and what works for us. I think part of being a successful adult is being self aware enough to understand that and evaluate what you actually need and what makes you happy. If you can do that you can do that you will know if you've settled.

If I had to choose one flavour of ice cream fit the rest of my life, I’d choose vanilla.

Why use the term vanilla? It's quite insulting.
Surely its just not choosing a dickhead bad boy 🤷🏼‍♀️

My DH has a good job, puts family first and treats people well - I know he would never cheat and he has integrity and morals. But he's not boring!
We have loads of fun together - love travelling, going out and have great sex.

Dependable doesn't always mean boring.

This is a really tricky question - what is vanilla? My DH is safe and dependable. But he isn’t vanilla at all,

@QueenAdreena

I did. Best thing I ever did. I grew up with a dad who was prone to tempers, violence, he was just generally toxic. When I was younger I was drawn to similar ‘bad boys’ and almost ended up having a mental breakdown due to the way they treated me. I decided I couldn’t risk living with someone like that long term and then a couple of years later met DH. He’s safe, dependable, reliable and kind. He looks after us all and doesn’t just ‘lose it’. I don’t live an exciting life, but I live a happy one and my children are growing up in a stable home.

I can really identify with your post - I would not have had kids with the bad boys I dated - that’s not a good life for them we know that only too well! I only decided to have kids because I met Dh - I knew he’d be a good Dad.

What is vanilla? @littlepieces

The descriptions of the men you dated were just that- men you dated.
You can't compare dating with the daily grind of paying off the mortgage and raising a family.

Something makes me think that as your childhood included a lot of emotional drama, a part of you is missing that excitement, even though it was painful and hard at the time.

It's well known that women often choose partners who are similar to their fathers, even if they weren't 'good' fathers. It's hard wired into your psyche.

If you want less of a vanilla life, what's stopping you making it that way and initiating things to do as a couple?

The day he asked me to marry him I remember thinking 'at least I know he'll never hurt me.

The most safe, kind, ordinary man I know - the kind people laugh at the idea of hurting others because the idea is so bizarre - cheated on his wife while she was pregnant and after she gave birth to their IVF twins.

@museumum

If I had to choose one flavour of ice cream fit the rest of my life, I’d choose vanilla.

Exactly!

DP is kind, loyal, a workaholic, likes chinos and a navy Jersey at weekends. Knows a few years of pop music circa 1980-1983, read the intercessions at church, enjoys literature and poetry, classical music and the opera. Enjoys football, cricket, golf and rugby. Used to be involved in Tory party politics. Very steady.

Was penniless when we met and was absolutely my cup of tea then 32 years ago and now. Vicariously he is so steady and hardworking we have a very nice lifestyle which most people would think was fab. Didn't get there without being cautious and hardworking though.

This thread has made me realise that I am probably the 'vanilla' one in our relationship... I am perfectly content with my life and not at all adventurous or outgoing ... my DH loves doing more 'adventurous' stuff and trying new things, but we are perfectly happy to do stuff separately, we are not joined at the hip ... married over 30 years.

I though I had. Turned out his vanilla covered an emotionally abusive streak and having no interests in common and being with someone with no dreams for the future got really boring.

Divorced 4.5 years now, haven't dated since although have had a few online flings over the last year, which have helped me realised what I want from a future partner.

Vanilla it certainly isn't!

Yes, it was a mistake - but not necessarily because he was 'safe' but rather because I chose him explicitly for that reason and I think we were not compatible in fact

Will he go along with the adventurous things you want to do? Or have no problem with you doing them on your own? Whoever you're with there's going to be some compromise. The question is can you cope with the compromise and make it still work for you? Don't settle for someone that can't make you happy, that's not fair on either of you.

@BigFatLiar

I doubt many here would consider my dh exciting. Never been into parties or going clubbing etc. His idea of a good night out is the cinema or theatre or curry or pub meal. Day out - visit the seaside or NT. We have an allotment where we grow veg and flowers, he had it before we started going out together. Still thinks 70's music is modern and 80's is cutting edge. Wouldn't say it was for a simple stable life, mainly because I'm much the same.

Been together since mid 80's. Still married, still happy together.

If you've got any more of him, could you send one my way? Sounds like exactly my type of vanilla!

Similar to some of the other posters, most of my previous relationships have been some degree of abusive. I would desperately love to settle down with someone kind and steady and a bit more "vanilla", but I worry that someone like that wouldn't be interested in me now....I'm quite vanilla personality-wise, but now I come with all this emotional/financial/sexual baggage.

Theres a lot to be said for integrity whatever flavour it comes in.