Vanilla partner for an easy life?

[littlepieces]

Did anyone here actively choose a 'vanilla' partner mainly for a simple, stable life? How did it go?

Butterflies and excitement fades but the memory of being head over heels can get you through the shit times all partnerships go through. I’d be wary it could last if from looks to personality he’s not your kind of person

No, I split up with my vanilla boyfriend because I was young and couldn't see the bigger picture. I still sometimes wonder if my life would have been better had I just stuck with him. I imagine it would have been a lot less stressful.

@SteveArnottsCodeine I enjoyed reading your flavour metaphor!

I agree that choosing vanilla because it sounds safe but you know you don’t really love it sounds a bad idea.

I chose someone who is very interesting and attractive to me, however probably seems boring to some people (as do I no doubt!). My husband is academic, stable, family-orientated and mostly likes doing the same things/ not trying new experiences. All things that we are compatible on, we enjoy sharing new ideas more than new experiences.

It's selfishness and immaturity that cause life to be hard, but they don't make a person interesting unless you have a disordered view of relationships.

Being creative, intelligent and adventurous makes a person interesting.

I suppose my DH is a photographer and small business owner (in another field). He's is a very interesting person, highly intelligent and creative, and sometimes is a bit of a handful. But I wouldn't say he made life hard.

SIL is married to a public service admin clerk. He is vanilla as they come, and can be as big of an arse as any man.

I presume someone who doesn't make your sides split from laughing, doesn't get you excited about them. Potentially also very mediocre sex life? And you Don't find them very attractive.

No thankfully I have an amazing partner and he really makes my heart beat when I think of him.

I WOULD compromise on looks and would definitely go for a guy I'm not hugely physically attracted to, but thankfully I really fancy my partner.

Don't do it op if he doesn't make you laugh and the sexual chemistry isn't there. 🧡

@SteveArnottsCodeine I've thoroughly enjoyed reading your post. Was like an extract from a book 😄

@Stillhurting786 is a good point I always think about when women go for "safe, vanilla" guys. Don't go for vanilla guy that doesn't make you excited, because he makes you feel safe.

You don't know what can happen in the future. The most 'safe' guy can leave you for a work colleague or develop a porn habit. Just as much chance as the exciting guy.

Im mid 40s and my friends who married more vanilla partners are still with them, with calm environments, stable etc. Those who didn't, which is 4 couples, all divorced.

well I don't know, my DH is definitely safe, and loving, but also has lots of interests and is quite adventurous, we have travelled the world and lived in many different places

we have some shared interests and some we really do not share, it's fine

if I had to choose though, I'd go for character over interests, interests you can share with other people or follow up on your own

for a partner, the most important thing long term, for me, is that they are a good person, with similar values

@SteveArnottsCodeine you are an excellent writer!

Hell will freeze before I can put up with someone boring for an easy life!

After my ex who pushed every single one of my boundaries until I no longer had any my 2DH is very straight and conservative. It's so comfortable. Now it's me pushing his boundaries.

@minipie

I chose vanilla I guess, but then I’ve never craved danger or drama, especially not in a partner, never bought into the “bad boy” thing. I see “safe” as a good thing. So it wasn’t a compromise.

I'm exactly the same. I don't find the other type exciting at all. I love my vanilla, stable, kind, intelligent, organised, wonderful husband and made 1000% the right choice.

What's the non-vanilla type you'd find exciting?

It's not the personality that counts, it's how you feel about them, surely? Do you fancy them? Is there a spark? Passionate sex? Great conversation? Laugh together?

I had Mr vanilla when much younger and I went out to find excitement. I was always off out and cheated a few times. I left him to go travelling, and he was still there waiting for me. I'm glad I didn't settle for him as life would have been so dull, and obviously shit for him too.

@Carouselfish

I think we're married to the same bloke..

Leave him so it's as though you are doing him a favour by "settling " for him so he can find a partner he deservres .

I can never understand why, if someone is as you've said about your husband funny, kind and intelligent. people expect their partner to have the same interests as them.

Yes it would be NICE if my DH loved antiques and mudlarking...but he doesn't. He loves working out and fishing!

He's still funny and clever and I love him. We don't need to have the same hobbies though! Can't people spend time away from their partner? Or is it something else that's a problem?

Are you settling or are you just now going for the nice guy over the bad guy? Two quite different things. I think a lot of people get to the stage where they start finding the nice guy more attractive and appealing than the ups and downs of the “bad guy” but that’s different to settling and healthy

I come from a dysfunctional background too. I had some interesting exes. The flip side to this is, that most men you call ‘vanilla’ would have avoided me like the plague. I was on rollercoaster rides with my relationships, I had to heal myself before thinking of settling down. Once I got my head straight I fell in love with a ‘vanilla’ colleague now my DH. He did used to compare himself to some of my exes, and how very Different my life is now than back then. He used to think I might get bored or itchy feet.

I can truly say I am as happy as I have ever been in my life. Maybe it’s because I did all the travelling, living abroad, attending ridiculous parties etc that I genuinely have no desire to relive it all again. There was always a dark depression that accompanied those wild days and men. I am much, much happier in life appreciating my children, my husband, the garden, a cup of tea etc than I ever was.

I flipped my thinking of ‘vanilla’ on its head. the vanilla people of this world are actually the bloody lucky ones. If watching football and being homely is all you need to be happy then they’re the winners in life. I have a treasure trove of stories to tell of my 20s, but bloody hell I certainly wasn’t consistently happy. Sat on the floor drinking whisky and eating cheesey puffs whilst bawling my eyes out after a hedonistic weekend certainly was never fun.

I don't think you've settled for vanilla by the sounds of it. More that you have no idea what a healthy relationship should be. Sounds like you feed off the 'drama' and excitement, the grand gestures and make ups after all of the fights.

If your definition of vanilla means less of an arsehole than your normal type and not just really bland and boring, then I yes, I went for vanilla and I’m really very happy.

When I first met DH, I really fancied him when I met him, I was a bit confused because he didn’t tick my usual boxes. I liked loud, bolshy arseholes who didn’t know how to tell the truth about anything (spoiler alert: those relationships all ended badly) and DH is just the complete opposite. He’s overly cautious, cannot tell even the smallest white lie and over thinks everything. Whilst these qualities occasionally wind me up, I’ve realised that I actually enjoy being with someone so conscientious and stable.

We have a different life to the one I might have otherwise envisaged, but in many ways, I’m so much more content with life with him than I ever thought I could be.

@littlepieces

I have a lovely DP of three years, he's funny, kind and intelligent. He is not the kind of man I expected to be settling with though. He is very homely, family oriented, and has very simple interests - loves watching/playing football and tennis, going to the pub with his mates, and country walks. He's one of those very easily content people who is happy with his lot in life.

I grew up with very dysfunctional parents and my fear has always been ending up in a long term relationship or marriage that ends up like theirs, abusive and unhappy. I've have had a few relationships with men who were quite aloof, indifferent and uncommitted, but more adventurous in nature, into travel and cultural thingd, doing outdoorsy stuff and having new experiences etc. like me. I've come to the conclusion it's a bit of a trade off. Steady, safe but a little plain vs exciting, interesting but never really knowing where you stand.

It shouldn't have to be an either/or trade off between interesting and safe, OP! You're setting your bar too low.

There are people out there who are lively, well travelled, outdoorsy etc while still being caring, trustworthy partners. Sexy and attractive, too.

My partner certainly is, and on a good day I could even say it of myself.

You can’t change his nature, but you can be the person in the relationship to organise museum or theatre visits, cinema, adventurous holidays, etc! Just because it’s not currently in the fabric of his life, doesn’t mean he won’t enjoy them side by side with you.