I know it’s early days but tell me it gets easier.

[Californiansunsets]

DH and I split up this week. I found out he was cheating. He told me today he doesn’t know if he loves her, or if he will be with her further down the line.

I was with him for 36 years, married for 31. I am devastated even though he treated me badly, I just can’t turn my feelings off.

I keep thinking if them together, it was a week ago today I found out. I’m struggling today.

I keep thinking my life is going to be so shit without him, we will never go in holiday together, he won’t be holding my hand anymore, I won’t receive flowers from him anymore.

I’m 50 and I just don’t see a future without him.

I actually wish I could just sleep forever.

Hi @Californiansunsets,
I’m sorry you are feeling so low. This will be feeling almost like a bereavement. Without a doubt you will be questioning yourself. But this isn’t about anything you have done!

This is all him.

Definitely try the sleep aid. You need to get some respite from this.xx

@Californiansunsets You will have good and bad days it is common nature. "Blaming you that the OW is homeless" - please laugh in his face when he comes out with this kind of rubbish - the reason she is homeless is she thinks the grass is greener on the other side just like him. They sound a right pair of deluded idiots.

Your kids have seen what you are going through with their father, he may think the kids won't take sides, believe me my two did and 11yrs on neither of my kids have any contact with their dad. His fault as I pointed out to him last year when I totally let rip in an email.

For a year after he left I saw friends periodically. After that year I had a wonderful time having with my friends until I met my partner, now I have found the man who treats me really well. In time you will find your confidence again, currently you are trying to absorb a lot.

I had counselling a few months after exh left. I was told there are various stages you go through when you separate. The councillor said the emotions you go through is like coping with a death but the person is still around which makes it harder to deal with.

I can’t stop crying today, I just can’t believe how he has been, he has been so cold, so detached. I can’t believe he was so concerned about her and not me. Why weren’t we important enough to fight for when he started feeling like this, Why why why? When I found out, I told her husband, as I felt he should know. My ex was so concerned for her rather than me, and he’s still concerned for her rather than me. When did I become so unimportant to him. Why did he do this?

I think it’s cognitive dissonance. They need to tell themselves that they’re a good person and don’t do bad things. Therefore it must be your fault not is and he’s good by seeming to care about OW.

If he was honest with himself about what a shit he’s been it would just be too horrifying for him!

It’s just a terrible feeling though, I know.

Really sorry you feeling so low and tearful today. You are having a horrid time.xx

Sorry you are feeling like this.

My exh defended the OW and protected her feelings over mine so I know how hard this his.

They went away for a long weekend behind mine and her partners back when we were still together. He told me he was going with his best mate, she had said she was going alone.

I found out and told her partner.

When they got back and the sh1t hit the fan for both of them he went mad with me and said I was out of order involving other people in our business.

Talk about projecting onto me. Fine for him to go away with another woman behind his wife's back but not for me to tell her partner before they got back 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have no idea who these men turn into!

VivaVegas I asked him if he had told anyone in his work we had separated, he said no. I asked if she had told anyone if she had separated from her husband, he said no. He then said “not everyone broadcasts their business like you” (this was a dig at me as I told his family), however he fails to forget OW told a couple of men in work (remember they both work in the same place) that she was unhappy in her marriage, so is that not her broadcasting her business?

Ignore him, he's just trying to put himself in a good light by making you feel you've done wrong when you haven't.

He's the only one in the wrong here, remember that.

Can you get a nice bath and an early night tonight if you're feeling a big down!

@Californiansunsets I don’t know why, or when we become so unimportant to them that they can do things like this.

One thing I have learned is that it is truly a waste of time to try to fathom this, as much as we would like to know. We don’t understand and never will, because we would never treat someone like this. Be proud that you don’t understand. It’s no bad thing.

As I said, it is painful and pointless to try to work this out. It keeps us stuck in the pain of what they did. As hard as it is (and it is so, so hard) we have to accept that for whatever reason best known to them, they did it. It doesn’t matter why. Questioning why might start to suggest that they thought us less than, not enough, defective in some way compared to OW. None of this is true. What it actually suggests is defects in them. They run away from their own feelings of not being enough in life and fill their void with an instant feel good hit. Alcohol, drugs, easily available sex, unearned flattery, the list goes on. It’s a band-aid to stop them facing their own emptiness.
What happens next, what really matters, is you. You are enough. You matter, you are important. You are and always were. How he has dealt with his problems is no reflection on you. None whatsoever. Stop asking yourself why, that’s a question for him. Until he can answer it honestly, without creating a narrative which involves you, because this about him, his deficiencies, not you, he will lurch from one empty quick fix to the next.
Thinking of you. Keep going. X

My SIL called me last night to see how I was, and she says the same thing, not to ask those questions, not to wonder, and just concentrate on myself as I will never get those questions answered from him.

It’s just so hard because this is a man I’ve loved since I was 14 years old, I’ve never looked at another man, never wanted anyone else, I always thought I was lucky because he wasn’t one of those men who went out all the time, he helped round the house, he was thoughtful (or so I thought), he would bring me flowers on a regular basis, hold my hand when we were out. Of course there was the other side of him where he would say things about my appearance, he would go in moods for days sometimes, and completely stonewall me and I wouldn’t know what I’ve done wrong.

I’ve been thinking if my marriage has just been a sham too, as he has previously downloaded tinder onto his phone, he said he did it just to see what it was like (and like an idiot, I believed him!) and there was a time he went on a stag do with his brother and our adult son was there too and my husband disappeared. Our son called to say no one could find him and he wasn’t answering his phone. I’m wondering if he was unfaithful then too.

The fact that he is saying he did not sleep with her, then he did - that it is not an affair just makes me lose more respect for him, He clearly is not 'in love wit her' and if I was the OW I would be really upset that he is denying things and not saying he has fallen for her and is making a new life with her. Alarm bells!!

I dont think he knows what he wants sunrayscome even his mum is saying that.

He’s being cold and detached because he feels guilty. My exh was the same its part of “the script” that is followed time and again. It wont last with OW i’d be quite happy to bet on it.

Its wanting the answers thats hard, wanting to know why, wanting to know how /what he is feeling, You need to focus on you, what are your needs right now? Can you have someone look after the DCs and get some time on your own?

When you are ready write him a long letter, get everything off your chest, get it all out. Then burn the letter and let it be closure.

I think he has been caught out and had no intention of leaving you - like a deer in the headlights - "I didn't do it .... I did ... I didn't" What was your proof when you found out?
He will be pissed off you told the OW husband as this has taken all the control away from him and if he had intended to want to 'mess around' behind your back (god forbid) you have put a stop to all of that and good for you. Their 'fun' and sneaking around has come crashing around their shoulders and now they have to face the reality of life which they were both running from. To blame you for her losing her house is appalling and quite frankly not your problem
Keep strong x

@sunrayscome

I think he has been caught out and had no intention of leaving you - like a deer in the headlights - "I didn't do it .... I did ... I didn't" What was your proof when you found out? He will be pissed off you told the OW husband as this has taken all the control away from him and if he had intended to want to 'mess around' behind your back (god forbid) you have put a stop to all of that and good for you. Their 'fun' and sneaking around has come crashing around their shoulders and now they have to face the reality of life which they were both running from. To blame you for her losing her house is appalling and quite frankly not your problem Keep strong x

This. With bells on.

Thanks again everyone, I really do appreciate all your advice.

This week I’m going to have to suffer the embarrassment of going to get an STI check at 50 years old. He came to the house tonight to collect mail and I told him I was getting checked for this. Again said nothing went on, he hasn’t slept with anyone else, I just laughed at him and said I didn’t believe him, said no one believed him. He said he didn’t care. I told him clearly he did care. If he didn’t he would be telling people in his work we have split up and he was having an affair with his boss. I again told him no one believes him, and he was damaging relationships left right and centre with people who love him for this OW.

He wasn’t very happy and stormed off! Prick!

He is a prick. Email him and tell him to redirect his mail or you’ll send it all back to sender. And do that.

You need to get tough now. I speak with the benefit of hindsight, wish I’d followed the advice I got on here.

WouldBe is right, this whole mail collection thing is giving him a window into your life. Every time you seem upset in front of him it strokes his fat ego.

Stop trying to shame him, not because he doesn't deserve shaming but because he needs to see you as a villain and enemy right now to justify his own treatment of you. Even though your comments are after the event his pathetic brain is twisting it around as 'this is what she's like, this is why I shit on her, she picks at me'.

Be unavailable for comment, be too busy being me to see you right now.

This is awful OP. It's understandable you feel lost if you've essentially grown up together. It will get better I promise and if anything I'd prepare for him to come crawling back when he's learned he doesn't want to have anything to do with a five year old! X

Your all right, I do need to tell him not to come to the house. He hasn’t even spent any quality time with the kids.

All night I’ve been thinking of things that I don’t know how to do, you know the mist stupidest of things, like how am I going to do the garden properly, how do I set up the stuff for washing the outside of the windows. If I need to put water in my car for the windows how do I do that, what if I get a flat tyre.. All these daft things. Who will put up the curtain poles if I decorate. I mean seriously why would I think about things like that

You’re not alone @Californiansunsets - I remember crying cos I didn’t know how to change the printer ink! I still don’t enjoy the “man” jobs, but I feel pleased with myself that I’ve managed, and you will too

There are a lot of handy man services in the local paper for us singletons with no DIY skills!
I get my local garage to check the water/oil/tyres
You will find your way
As for the STI check the NHS have a discreet service where a home kit can be posted - you get your results discreetly via text or e mail - saves you having to go to a clinic
www.freetest.me

Definitely tell him he's not to come to the house anymore, I think that's upsetting you and won't help you in the long run. Its simple to get mail redirected.

I spoke to my gp about my sexual health concerns and she arranged to take the samples for me to send them off and personally texted me the results. She was so kind and understanding.

It's amazing the things you find you can do. I bought my ex out and stayed in the house. My garden looks amazing - I'm not a keen gardener but spent lockdown time last year on it so now it's easy to upkeep and I'm very proud of what I've done.
I've decorated several rooms and am about to do my DS room for him.
I've found several reliable tradesmen for things I'm not comfortable doing myself. Even bought a car on my own last year, never done that before!

2 years ago I couldn't eat, sleep and was in constant distress.

Sometimes I forget how far I've come. Still not fully recovered yet.

You can do this, you are far far stronger than you think!

You need to youtube a lot of these things you haven't learned how to do yet. Your garden is not a problem it's a project, which is just what you need for a distraction.

That’s true @Anotheruser02 - I learned how to unblock a toilet with washing up liquid; and how to change a spotlight bulb 😂