I know it’s early days but tell me it gets easier.

[Californiansunsets]

DH and I split up this week. I found out he was cheating. He told me today he doesn’t know if he loves her, or if he will be with her further down the line.

I was with him for 36 years, married for 31. I am devastated even though he treated me badly, I just can’t turn my feelings off.

I keep thinking if them together, it was a week ago today I found out. I’m struggling today.

I keep thinking my life is going to be so shit without him, we will never go in holiday together, he won’t be holding my hand anymore, I won’t receive flowers from him anymore.

I’m 50 and I just don’t see a future without him.

I actually wish I could just sleep forever.

@VivaVegas yes, it’s very weird how closely they follow the script. I didn’t really believe it til it happened to me.

Glad you’ve had a better day @Californiansunsets.

Look at chump lady for keeping strong.

How do I get rid of the feeling of “not being worthy or good enough”. Was she better than me??? Was she more worthy than me?

I miss him so much. I’ve not slept I’m trying not to take the sleeping tablets all the time but think I might need to take one tonight.

I feel so worthless!

@Californiansunsets you’re far from worthless. Please try to be nice to yourself.. what would you say to a friend?

And just take a sleeping tablet tonight. It all seems even worse if you’re exhausted 💐

You are worthy
He's a fool and a deluded liar
She has the morals of a bunny rabbit and was available
They deserve each other.
Believe me a year down the line.
You will be in a better place and looking to a great future
He will be under pressure in every way financially sexually emotionally probably childminding and trying to keep up with a partner who sounds frankly flakey .
You haven't been dispensed with you have been set free you just don't know it yet .

@Californiansunsets - you are not worthless. You have 3 amazing children who are supporting you and love you.

I can’t say much that other posters haven’t already said but things will get easier.

I can really recommend a book “It’s called a break up because it’s broken”. Please, please buy it.

It is painfully American but I have recommended it to everyone and it has helped me through every break up (admittedly not a marriage). It really helped shift my perspective when it came to how I handled break ups (in the past, I’ve not handled them well).

Can you find something to focus on - even if it’s something small like buying yourself new bedding, stuff you like that’s just for you. Treat yourself to some (if you can afford to) things just for you or just a redecorating of your bedroom so it’s ‘your’ space.

You can and should let yourself grieve. Break ups are a loss, a loss of a person, a life you had and the future you thought you had. The person you fell in love with though is not that same person anymore and they wouldn’t treat you this way if they were.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts abs virtual hugs xx

It is so hard not to over fantasize about the other woman and build her up into this amazing stunning woman but the truth is she is not - she was available and your husband is in a mid life crisis which will only get worse. Its about changing your mind set to thinking you have self worth - you have a job, your children, your health and you will get enjoyment out of life and laugh again - it will happen

I was sent this by a friend, which I used to reread to help me.

VivaVegas - that is both brutal and beautiful.

VivaVegas I’ve kept a copy of that and I so want to send it to him. Thank you for sharing.

Can also recommend reading Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark.

Very good at explaining why so many men of a certain age do this.

Helps you stop blaming yourself and try's to explain what goes on in the head of a middle aged man, well some of them.

Sending you lots of love xx

Do they really feel they can be younger by pulling a younger woman?

I think the constant contraast would make me feel my age more than being with somebody my own age.

I really feel for you. Its a horrible time but you are going through a grief and should treat it as such. Be kind to yourself and think only a day at a time.

I remember the pain, its almost physical. One day you feel ok, the next day terrible. My exh dropped me like a hot potato for someone he met at work. It was such a shock. I couldnt eat or sleep. I had this horrible angst in my stomach. I remember getting sleeping tablets from docs and on way home saw them walking along hand in hand without a care in the world. I could have happily ploughed into them (except I was had borrowed my friends car!) But seriously it was awful and I thought I’d never get over it. I was 35 and had been with him since 17 - married at 21. We didnt have DCs (i couldnt). They bought a house and had a baby but they didnt last long…

I truly thought I’d never recover. Part of me didnt want to. I was wrong I did recover. It took time but I realised I was better without him. I was a better and happier person. I’d lost myself in my marriage to him. Life has been better since and Im glad it happened. Just dont be hard on yourself. The OW is not better than you, she is just different thats all and certainly not as good as you. They wont last, you know it, we all know it!

Use this forum for support, let your friends in real life help you. You will get there, there will be light after the darkness .

I can guarantee the person who will be happier in time to come will be you, not him.

Read lots of self help they really do help. I read paul mckennas book how to heal a broken heart (or similar name) has lots of meditation techniques which were helpful.

@VivaVegas I’ve copied that too. I was told more or less the same.
“She could have been anybody. It was easy. She made herself available to me.”
Thinking of you @Californiansunsets.

Thanks everyone, I’m feeling a bit better now, hoping it lasts for a few days anyway.

Hi @Californiansunsets - the ow going on a work trip and getting so drunk speaks volumes to me of a woman who has zero self confidence.

In my experience the reason he is behaving like an utter bastard in the way he speaks to you etc is to make himself feel better about the situation he has put you in.

When my exh left us - me & two kids I mAde him return his keys, if he needed to collect post I would leave it behind the wheelie bin for him to collect. He was also on the deeds & contributing towards the mortgage and bills. I also worked.

I told him all communication would be done by email, I made a folder for all his emails to go into automatically and read them when I was ready to rather than having to deal with situations straight away.

Three months after he left (he said he had been having an affair for two years) he asked to come back. I didn't hVe to think about it my answer was NO - how any man can think they can turn your lives upside then come back baffles me.

Keep strong lovely, you are doing well.

Thank you doitwithlove I feel okay today however, earlier I was out and a song came on and on hearing it, it brought up a memory of when we were travelling to view our first house as that song was playing on the radio (strange now I thought of that), I got quite teary but a few moments later I was fine.

He is still playing mind games with me, telling me he wasn’t having an affair, they are just friends. Even his family and my friends have said he is lying. He is making me feel bad, saying the OW is going to become homeless because of me, her marriage has broken up because of me (although she had told people she was unhappy.

Everyone knows he’s lying, he has no integrity, he has no respect and he has lost the respect of some people too.
I’ve got my head held high. I haven’t done anything wrong, it’d not me who has put my family at jeopardy or lied and cheated to people I love and people that love me. I’ve got my beautiful kids and my wonderful friends. It’s during this time I’ve realised how many strong, independent women I am surrounded by, they will all lift me up.

I am determined not to let this bring me down. I know I will have bad days and good days, but for me, for my self esteem and self worth, I NEED to make sure I pull myself up.

I know it’s a long way away infact if might never happen, but I hope one I meet someone really nice (whether it’s long term or just a bit of fun), but I hope ex becomes really really jealous and realises what he has thrown away for someone who has the same morals as him, as he will never be able to trust her and she will never be able to trust him.

When I think of the things he has said I actually have a laugh.

At first when he was caught, he said he had sex with her, then he said he didn’t, then he said he did and now for the past 3 weeks roughly he has been saying there is no affair! Total mind games.

Your distress is palpable @Californiansunsets

From the amount of gaslighting he has inflicted upon you, combined with the new narrative he created about you, I would think he is feeling a massive amount of guilt over this. I would also say that this is not a love affair he's been having. It reeks to me of one of those 'affairs' where the two parties get off on the risk-taking, where one party hints at doing something 'naughty' and then things escalate.

I'm sure there must be a name for it, but I don't know what it is, but people involved in these types of arrangements become addicted to the high they get from doing stuff and not getting caught.

It's odd how he admitted they had sex, then changed his story, then changed it again, and is adamant there's no affair. As bizarre as this sounds, people that are involved in 'naughty' relationships will often not understand that they are being adulterous.

I've now been divorced 10yrs. My ex married the OW, I didn't want the divorce - but in retrospect, I'm very pleased not to be married to him anymore. I can only really see that now.

My advice to you would be "detach detach detach"! He is no longer the person you loved. That person is gone. This man will shaft you, not play fair, will be scheming and manipulative. You are divorcing a stranger, so treat him like that, with polite detachment.

Plenty of time to weep, rant and rage later. For the purposes of the divorce you want a clean, fair and rapid outcome. Then get on with the rest of your life.

Phoenix121 yes it is odd. He said he admitted to the affair because “its what I wanted to hear”, but I already had proof anyway, then as I said he denied it, then admitted it, and then denied it and has been denying it ever since.

Do you think that he's chosen a narrative for himself and that's the one he's sticking with? The one that will limit the damage? You two have been together for so long, with all those memories, he must be finding that incredibly difficult. I don't say that to feel sorry for him - I don't. I say that to make you realise that he will be going through absolute shit, psychologically speaking. This may make him do and say things which make you think WTF?! Who is this man who used to be my husband yet who turned on a pinhead?

At this stage, he will not be thinking of the effect upon you. As hard as that sounds, when you considered him to be your best friend, someone who would always have your back, realise that there are complex psychological issues at play. Only later will he begin to consider the effect upon you.

My advice to you - and I've been through this - is to remain as calm, as level-headed, and remain as much 'you' as you possibly can. Become an observer. Every time you start to ask yourself how he can possibly treat you this way, distract yourself with something that is still good in your life. Do not fall into the trap of thinking you must immediately go out and make new friends etc. You need quiet time to remain composed.

At his age, I would bet that after a while he will most definitely want to return to his life with you which was good before all this upheaval.

Phoenix121 I understand what you are saying. I think there is depression here, although he is saying he is glad we have split and feels a relief that we are done, so who knows.

I find whenever I do see him I ask a lot of questions which he doesn’t give me answers to, but I’m finding it had to understand everything. Last summer he mentioned to his brother if anything were ever to happen to me and I died, he wouldn’t be far behind me as he couldn’t live without me (they were talking about some in they knew who’s spouse had died), then a few months later he was telling me he didn’t know what he wanted blah blah blah and that’s when the suspicions started for me.

I know he was very depressed with his work he went to work away and she sometimes went and that’s when everything started to fall into place for me.

I am devastated, for me he was my best friend, I just ended up not being his best friend as he had replaced me with someone else. I told him he didn’t talk to me about the way he was feeling because he didn’t want to talk to me and he agreed.
When he was away he was living the life of a single man, and she was there and something started. This is something that he never had before as we got together so young and I think he realised what he was missing. He didn’t have to be a husband or a dad, he was just a single man, living for a time in a foreign country with beautiful weather, a good job, good money, going out every night and she was there. Me and his kids weren’t a thought in his head and he admitted he didn’t miss us. He didn’t miss family life.

His mum and his sister have said he does seem a lot better, he is talking, laughing and smiling more. He even admitted he was eating and sleeping better. It’s me that’s been left to pick up the pieces and try to hold my life together without it falling apart anymore, and there are days when I’m struggling, days where I feel I just can’t go on as I can’t imagine my life without him.