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Original poster

So you think narcissists knows they are behaving narcissistic

143 replies

Nicky2021 · 27/04/2021 14:57

Just sat thinking.
Do you think they know exactly what they are doing and saying?
Or do you think sometimes they actually believe that how they are acting is acceptable and normal?
In my experience I genuinely believe he thinks he is behaving normally and hasn’t done anything wrong and when he tells me that I infact did these things not him, I think he genuinely believes himself.
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
StormBaby · 27/04/2021 14:59

They 100% think they are the best at everything

kshaw · 27/04/2021 15:00

After splitting with my husband I have done some serious reading around his behaviour (to try to accept and move on) and really think he would have NPD if he was to seek a professional opinion but I genuinely believe he believes he is right and he is a victim and everyone else is wrong as he is of superior intellectual ability. He'd obviously never admit it but I'm not sure if stems from low self esteem or what. But yeh I think they do believe it, believe their own exaggerated memories...must be an awful way to live

Original poster
Nicky2021 · 27/04/2021 15:00

Yes I agree. But do you think that they realise that their behaviour is not normal / narcissistic

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicky2021 · 27/04/2021 15:01

Kshaw...yes exactly my experience too.
I’m on the verge of actually feeling slightly bad for him.

OP posts:
username12345T · 27/04/2021 15:02

Sounds like you're with an abuser who is gaslighting you. Him trying to convince you that you did something that he did, is gaslighting. It depends what kind of abuser he is OP. Sounds like he enjoys head games. I really wouldn't bother spending time trying to work out why he's behaving the way he is, what's the point? I would be spending my time working out how to get away from him.
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Original poster
Nicky2021 · 27/04/2021 15:05

I left him 8 months ago 😊
Yes I agree he used to gaslight me too, as well as being coercive.
Unfortunately I have children to him so still receive silly comments etc

OP posts:
kshaw · 27/04/2021 15:05

Mine has fallen out with his parents aswell, they got the same script I've been listening to. He's hard done by, he's bullied, whatever others opinions are are simply not true as that's not his say so which is fact. Absolutely zero empathy. It's quite scary someone can be so in their own world

Wanderlusto · 27/04/2021 15:06

I've heard that question a lot over the years and tbh I think it's the wrong question to be asking when with a narcissist. What matters is not whether or not they realise, what matters is - that they don't care.

They dont care who they hurt, they dont care who they suck dry. They dont care who they destroy.

username12345T · 27/04/2021 15:06

@Nicky2021

I left him 8 months ago 😊 Yes I agree he used to gaslight me too, as well as being coercive. Unfortunately I have children to him so still receive silly comments etc
Oh bloody well done OP! I'm so pleased for all of you.
Original poster
Nicky2021 · 27/04/2021 15:08

Wanderlusto yes you’re right.
Username12345T thankyou xx

OP posts:
Sicario · 27/04/2021 15:08

I'm pretty sure they don't realise their behaviour is wrong. They are unable to see things from any perspective other than their own. They believe that they are always in the right. It's everybody else who is wrong.

It's the same principle as trying to negotiate with a terrorist. Their views are extreme and unhinged.

Original poster
Nicky2021 · 27/04/2021 15:11

Sicario yes you are bang on your there.
It’s quite sad really,,,
Do you think they are born this way or are raised this way?
I’m just trying to get my head around it

OP posts:
GidgetGirl · 27/04/2021 15:12

Totally think they don’t realise they’re anything but normal/superior. This was what split my ex and I up - I eventually realised there was NOTHING I could do to change the situation. His narcissism wouldn’t allow him to address or analyse his own behaviour - he could behave terribly, and absolutely genuinely think he’d done nothing wrong. If I ever called him out on episodes of cruelty or extreme self-obsession, he’d say I was using him as a punchbag. It took me a long time to realise he genuinely believed it too. He honestly thought he was the victim. Every single one of his exes hated him, and I can see why. He thought they were all mad too, of course.. I don’t hate him, but I do pity him..

I can’t imagine him ever having a truly healthy relationship. His four years with me were the closest he came, and I’m the only one of his exes he didn’t cheat on. Literally the only one. And that’s not down to the fact that he’d changed - he’d just reached his late 50s and didn’t have as much opportunity.

And yet, I still feel a little hint of guilt for leaving him to his own devices. Because he’s unhappy - he’s got an incredibly fragile ego and he’s just not a happy person. I’m not sure he has it in himself to be truly happy, because in reality he has such significant self-esteem issues. They’re just masked with arrogance..

lubeybooby · 27/04/2021 15:13

Yes I believe so. It's taken a while to sink in but their brains just don't work normally. They are drawn to empathetic people with joie de vivre so they can learn how to emulate that.

They know what they are doing, don't care and also learn to hide it by any means necessary

romdowa · 27/04/2021 15:13

I don't think they realise or care. In my opinion for them to even realise they would have to care about other people and how their behaviour affects them.

username12345T · 27/04/2021 15:14

It's difficult without knowing more but they do know their behaviour is wrong as they don't treat everyone in the same way. I have known people with personality disorders and they treat everyone the same which is why they end up with criminal records. Garden variety abusers are just nasty bastards who do whatever they can to control you, their target. They tend to be nice as pie to everyone else. They are manipulative and target you. Sometimes they target you as you seem like a strong, no nonsense person and they want to knock you down a peg or two. They enjoy the feeling of power and control.

smithyca · 27/04/2021 15:15

In my experience with a narcissist they think everyone else is the problem and they are always right. Luckily enough mine was just a boss, I can't imagine what being in a relationship with one is like. That's probably why my boss was single but that's another story...

Rubyrecka · 27/04/2021 15:15

@Nicky2021

Just sat thinking. Do you think they know exactly what they are doing and saying? Or do you think sometimes they actually believe that how they are acting is acceptable and normal? In my experience I genuinely believe he thinks he is behaving normally and hasn’t done anything wrong and when he tells me that I infact did these things not him, I think he genuinely believes himself. What are your thoughts?
I don't think they care
Original poster
Nicky2021 · 27/04/2021 15:16

Wow it literally sounds like you are all describing my ex. He acts like he is so confident and loves himself, thinks all the women “fancy” him, etc etc but under that I think he has such low self esteem.

OP posts:
samyeagar · 27/04/2021 15:18

My ex-wife is diagnosed NPD. Part of what makes is so insidious to deal with is the fact that there is no self awareness. They are incapable of realizing the hurt and destruction they are causing because in their reality, they genuinely believe they are right. The empathy part is simply not there.

That is also why there is no way to cure it, no behaviour modification to mitigate it. Nothing. Deep down to their core, they are incapable of realizing something is broken, and you can't fix something that is not broken.

This is why it is so maddening dealing with someone who is true NPD. We see things through a normal lens and then try to apply that to our dealings with them, we try and interact with them in a normal way, but the normal human interactions do not apply when dealing with a true narcissist.

PussGirl · 27/04/2021 15:19

My STBXH is narcissistic and has really played the Poor Me card since I left over 3 years ago.

He's been frustrating the divorce process because he's a twat and even this week has been texting about how sorry he is the marriage failed, he was hoping we'd grow old together, blah blah

as if I left poor little him on a whim & not as a carefully-considered escape after years of unreasonable & abusive behaviour Confused

ILoveRossGeller · 27/04/2021 15:29

I think narcissists genuinely believe they are never in the wrong

NeedCoffeeToSurvive · 27/04/2021 15:45

In my experience of dealing with someone who has narcissistic but also sociopathic traits but isn't officially diagnosed with any type of personality disorder, I'd say yes, they know exactly what they're doing/saying, they're fully aware that it's not acceptable but simply don't care, everything is deliberate. The "thrill" or whatever it is they get is from the emotional manipulation and distruction of another person, if they can make someone sad, ruin their day, undermine anything they achieve, make them doubt themselves or even hate themselves, make them depressed or even slightly uncomfortable, that's what makes them tick.

bluebell34567 · 27/04/2021 15:45

are they born like that? it seems so, as they dont have emphaty.

Ruminating2020 · 27/04/2021 15:53

They Iive in an alternative reality and do not care how their behaviour impacts others.

As far as they are concerned, they are always in the right and anything they've done to you is either didn't happen, or wasn't as bad as you thought, or happened so long ago that you should forgive and forget, or was someone else's fault or you deserved it.

They are also very good at playing the victim or hero and they will do a role reversal where you're the baddie.

Every interaction with them is a form of manipulation and artificially manufactured.

The narc/toxic person I knew genuinely thought he deserved what someone else had and that they were getting in the way of what he wanted. He couldn't care less of the potential harm he would cause and even laughed, but when it backfired, he told me "this pains me more than you'll ever know."

They are well and truly deluded.