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Original poster

So you think narcissists knows they are behaving narcissistic

143 replies

Nicky2021 · 27/04/2021 14:57

Just sat thinking.
Do you think they know exactly what they are doing and saying?
Or do you think sometimes they actually believe that how they are acting is acceptable and normal?
In my experience I genuinely believe he thinks he is behaving normally and hasn’t done anything wrong and when he tells me that I infact did these things not him, I think he genuinely believes himself.
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Potplant · 29/04/2021 11:31

What did that mean ? That they act with impunity because they don't do it deliberately to hurt. If others get hurt by their arrogance, self entitlement, superiority, selfishness, well that wasn't done deliberately so hurt feelings are the problem of the holder of said hurt feelings and more fool them

This is it. I remember every single time my ex apologised to me over the 25 years we were together. Not because i have an encyclopaedic memory. But because they were so few and far between.

When he did apologise it was delivered in the style of a child who is made to and doesn’t really mean it.

Once he went to get into the passenger seat of my car just as I leaned forward to pick something out of the footwell, accidentally kicking me in the head. It really hurt. Total accident but he didn’t apologise because he didn’t see me so it was my fault. Who wouldn’t say sorry immediately? It’s an instinctive reaction.

He’s very much of the offence is taken not given mindset.

Bluedeblue · 29/04/2021 12:15

In my experience, they think that they are in the right 100% of the time. They also blame others for their own failings. I have recently gone NC with a narcissistic sister. She literally blamed me for everything in her life that hadn't gone to plan. She also ruined almost all family get togethers by getting pissed and screaming at everyone - afterwards that would be my fault too. Aged 51, I finally realised I couldn't take it any more.

Bluedeblue · 29/04/2021 12:21

I'd like to add also, that I think they get worse if they have an "enabler" in their life. My sister's husband stands by her, no matter what she does. I don't know if he's afraid of her, or of losing his children. She could start the most outrageous argument in front of several people, and I know, that later on he, will agree with her, that she was right and everyone else was wrong. The fact that some of his family members have gone NC with his wife, as have many of his friends, and now me, doesn't seem to register as a red flag.

Phoenix121 · 29/04/2021 12:26

Ordinarily, I don't think they have any awareness of their behaviour. Narcissists have what could be called a divided self. They can engage in what most people would call appalling behaviour and yet still carry on as if everything is normal. They can present one self to one person and turn around and present an entirely different self to another person.

Rarely, a traumatic experience can trigger a type of breakdown of these walls which divide the self of the narcissist. Then, you will see a very, very different person and just occasionally, a narcissist might start to question his or her previous behaviour. This can be incredibly traumatic for them - they may use phrases such as 'I don't recognise myself back then', or they may start to wonder if they have a neurological condition. They may become forgetful, or do things without awareness, such as placing the keys in the fridge. This is because their brain is trying to adapt to the new integrated self.

It's incredibly sad that things which were beyond their control in their early childhood had such a devastating effect upon their development. It's horrendous to watch and it requires loving support, which is often very difficult for those partners who have been at the receiving end of a narcissist's behaviour.

honeybuns007 · 29/04/2021 15:12

I don't think they have self awareness. If they did, they wouldn't have a disorder. They would just be an arsehole. I think the point of a PD is that it is a mental condition in which they BELIEVE/KNOW they are right. I think some of them realise later in life when they keep having the same issues over and over that there is a problem with them but then they need lots of professional help to get them to understand and identify the problem. And most won't get there.

loveyourself2020 · 29/04/2021 16:27

@Potplant

What did that mean ? That they act with impunity because they don't do it deliberately to hurt. If others get hurt by their arrogance, self entitlement, superiority, selfishness, well that wasn't done deliberately so hurt feelings are the problem of the holder of said hurt feelings and more fool them

This is it. I remember every single time my ex apologised to me over the 25 years we were together. Not because i have an encyclopaedic memory. But because they were so few and far between.

When he did apologise it was delivered in the style of a child who is made to and doesn’t really mean it.

Once he went to get into the passenger seat of my car just as I leaned forward to pick something out of the footwell, accidentally kicking me in the head. It really hurt. Total accident but he didn’t apologise because he didn’t see me so it was my fault. Who wouldn’t say sorry immediately? It’s an instinctive reaction.

He’s very much of the offence is taken not given mindset.

Like I said previously, my DH is not diagnosed but he is definitely a narcissist. We even joke about it. I got him this plaque that says, " I am not perfect but I am so close it scares me". Apologizing was one thing he did not know how to do. When every now and then I would sit him down and tell him what bothers me, he would just look at me with no emotion. I would wonder what he was thinking if anything, or is he just waiting for me to finish. Occasionally he would argue with me telling me how I should feel or something, but never once would he apologize. All I needed him to do was to say, I am sorry I make you feel that way, even if he did not do it intentionally, but no, for him apologizing was the hardest. Because for him I guess that meant admitting that he is wrong.
honeybuns007 · 29/04/2021 17:24

@loveyourself2020 it sounds like you have a decent relationship with your DH as you can discuss and laugh about things. But how do you manage things when he really does not understand? Does he accept that he has an issue? How does it work?

loveyourself2020 · 29/04/2021 19:40

@honeybuns007
Oh no my dear, I apologize for giving you the wrong impression. Yes, occasionally I would tell my husband stuff like that and we would laugh about it, but solving problems is another thing all together. His way is always the right way. This is one of the reasons why I have been working on separating for the last year (or a decade)Sad

Beelzebop · 03/05/2021 00:57

Hi all, can I ask if any of you have been on the receiving end of their guilt bad mood when they've been foul as well. Not a good description but I almost feel I'm being blamed for him being nasty to me? I'm trying to work out what's going on. Thanks.

Ruminating2020 · 03/05/2021 01:14

Do you mean when they sulk, rage or give silent treatment to you leaving you feeling confused, and whether you're in the wrong?

Yes, plenty. They do that to control you and condition you to be compliant. Blame shifting is a common manipulation tactic as it puts the shame on you, because they always have to be in the right.

loveyourself2020 · 03/05/2021 01:26

@Beelzebop
Oh, God, yes, for me it is sulking and silent treatment and that it is killing me. By nature I am very social and like to talk so not talking for hours, days, weeks sometimes months is like a poison for me, slow poison. I feel often times like I took a breath, years ago, and I am waiting to exhale. Honestly. I feel like I am being suffocated.

Onthedunes · 03/05/2021 01:39

@Beelzebop

Yes you are being blamed.
That's one of the wonderful things about narcs, they are never wrong.
If it wasn't for you he wouldn't have had to be nasty. You will never get remorse or sympathy for you. It's very hard to be beaten up by these types and then have to apologise for being deserving of the abuse.

You can't win, reason or EVER expect to be treated with fairness or logic.
Normal rules never apply, the only way you can win is by grey rocking, dropping the rope and then getting away as far as possible from these sadistic bastards by going NC.

Beelzebop · 03/05/2021 02:04

@Onthedunes thanks for your honest response. I tried to express myself yesterday and the response I received was bizarre and unsettling. Apologies, I didn't mean to derailFlowers.

Sssloou · 03/05/2021 02:48

Yes it’s an emotional developmental deficit - so they are stuck at about age 2 - toddler tantrums, ego centric - have to win, acquire, put others down to keep their empty, fragile ego afloat - always fighting, sharp elbowing, manipulating just to survive - they believe that they have to keep charging round their emotional hamster wheel, hyper alert to what others have - or if anyone has seen beneath their mask - always on the run.

Entitled, arrogant, deluded, grandiose - that’s their way of being in the world - they know no other way to survive or exist - imagine the frantic toddler.

Detach and disengage.

Don’t try to fathom their insanity / irrationality - just know it feels confusing and slowly back away .....

Onthedunes · 03/05/2021 03:11

Explaining yourself, what does that mean to him...

that means nothing what you think it means, you feel you are trying to sort out the relationship in you head, in your heart so you can feel good again.

He knows this, you think he's stupid or emotionally retarded, he's not he knows full well what he is doing. When you express youself all he thinks is how weak you are and how stupid you are for falling for this crap he dishes out.
They like to hurt you, they get off on it, its pleasurable to them, it gives them a high, it turns them on, whatever it is puposeful.
The best thing is the longer you are with them, the less you expect, you get less, you feel less you become numb and dead inside.
So to get a rise from you their treatment gets harsher until their behaviour borders on evil, some of the younger ladies on here have no idea how bad it can get.
You think you can manage these types, you can't everything they do is pre planned, thought out and very very intentional.

WindyRose · 03/05/2021 07:16

The narc in our family would have given herself a huge pat on the back for the hurt she has caused me. Truly I don't care as I don't 'need' her in my life because everytime she visits she steals something...not always something of value, although she has raided my wallet several times, but some little thing that she would never use in a million years, but which I might need and then when I want it, it's gone!

However, in saying all that, what I do care about is the DGD's who haven't had any contact for over 7 yrs, when previously we had a close relationship. I can just imagine the lies they've been told and how their minds have been poisoned.

I know I'm not alone, you just have to read the messages in this post, but that doesn't stop the pain.

Recently I came across HG Tudor on YouTube, he has had a long running series as well as another on a person in the spotlight a few weeks ago.

Fireflygal · 03/05/2021 08:38

Anyone aware how 2 disordered people in a relationship do? I imagine it would be horrendous for children but if they were together, without children, it would at least prevent them from hurting "normal" people.

Sssloou · 03/05/2021 12:48

The NPD and the BPD is often a classic and enduring combination of trauma bonded toxicity.

I think it always has to feed on imbalances and push/pull, withdraw/engulf, hoover/discard, love bomb/devalue tensions and valency. Or the enabling supporter who gets something from hiding in the shadows or bathing in the negative energy that the Narc dishes out to others.

Not sure if two narcs could be together - maybe some celebrity “power couples” work this way?

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