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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 27/04/2021 18:35

Be very careful what you say. Personally I think you are foolish to have responded to her. Surely she could have found a more recent ex to interrogate about her husband if that's what it's all about. I certainly wouldn't want to run the risk of having him back in my life which is what could well happen if you say too much. If he is being abusive towards his wife then there are people who can help her escape without needing to involve you. It may not even be about him being abusive - she could well be a jealous, controlling wife who is about to give you a bollocking for stalking them online.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 27/04/2021 19:01

I responded, saying she could ask me any questions she wanted but I couldn't guarantee an answer.

He'd done the same to her as he had done to me, she'd chucked him out and everybody else she had contacted that replied had told her 'It's not you'. Her final message was that she had decided to get cameras fitted onto her house and car because EVERY single woman who responded said 'get security cameras' - and apologising for contacting and bringing it all up again.

Didn't have to actually reveal any information at all. She just wanted to have other women tell her she wasn't sick in the head as he had told her she was.

Lilymossflower · 27/04/2021 19:29

Sounds like he was abusive to her and so that's why she is reaching out. If it were me i would reply just because I know how much it can help to speak to another woman who has been through abuse esp from the same man

Atalantea · 27/04/2021 19:54

@me4real

just see a love of drama from OP

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe That's the opposite of what OP is like, which is the reason why she wasn't sure about whether to get involved.

If op didn't want drama, then surely, block and forget?
GiveMeTulipsfromAmsterdam · 27/04/2021 20:15

Fishing.....

Ignore

NEVERENDINGST0RY · 27/04/2021 20:37

Right, im invested now. Please update tomorrow OP Flowers

saraclara · 27/04/2021 20:48

Well cheers, posters who seem obsessed with the OP being dramatic (she seems far from that, to me). You've ruined it for all of us who wanted to know how this pans out!

TillyTopper · 27/04/2021 20:52

If it were me I'd block her number and block her on LinkedIn. If you don't only drama will follow. She probably wants to tell you it was her he cheated with.

me4real · 27/04/2021 21:32

However, if she's having problems, she doesn't need validation from someone who dated him over 20 yrs ago surely?

@ItsNotLoveActually It can be hard to leave a dodgy relationship as you know. Women can be gaslighted or have cognitive dissonance etc. Like all the threads we see on here where women post threads describing what their partners are like but they need other women to help them see what's going on or to feel their feeelings are reasonable and act on them.

Someone your partner used to go out with might be even better, as often a woman doesn't know if it's her fault or not that their partner treats them this way. If he's done it to someone else it feels more likely that it's him

@CleverCatty In Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That?' he says that women should talk to their abusive/controlling husband's exes. For instance, he might've claimed you abused him, or you were a crrazy ex or whatever. It's recommended that in those cases women ask exes for their side of the story.

Bluntness100 · 27/04/2021 21:43

I don’t understand this, it starts off a good relationship with a few squabbles that ended badly and is now a deeply abusive relationship and you lived together?

Which is it op. It can’t be both,

stunnningandbrave · 27/04/2021 22:10

I actually spat at him - 'you'd never cheat cos you're too ugly to find someone to do that with' and he told me that he had cheated and I knew on speaking to him, it was true

Gosh you've got such a good memory! I can barely remember conversations from this morning Flowers

me4real · 27/04/2021 22:13

@stunnningandbrave IDK about OP, but I remember nasty things said to me, or things I regret saying, from about 4 years old (I'm 44 now.) It's a curse really.

MrsMaizel · 27/04/2021 22:14

Looking at someone's FB page is hardly stalking - I am sure most people have done that with past partners and friends . @CleverCatty just make sure your FB profile is on the tightest settings so that she cannot see anything much ( I do realise the horse may have bolted for that ) . Messaging someone does not open up your FB to them .

me4real · 27/04/2021 22:17

I don’t understand this, it starts off a good relationship with a few squabbles that ended badly and is now a deeply abusive relationship and you lived together? Which is it op. It can’t be both,

It can. As I understand it OP is saying there were a few arguments, they went out for a couple of years and lived together for about 3 months. Then after they split up he turned nasty, stalkery etc. These things do happen sometimes.

It's also not unusual for people to remember different instances as a thread goes on, and see them in a different light.

RachelRaven · 27/04/2021 22:23

There are some proper knobs on this thread tonight. Hmm

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 27/04/2021 22:31

I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s with an absolute stain on society tbh, just a waste of oxygen. He made my life a misery after I left and stalked me for months, then assaulted me in broad daylight. Police were involved and he thankfully never darkened my door again until one day I received a message on Instagram from someone he was seeing.

She was really lovely, told me she understood if I didn’t want to tell her anything but she wanted to know what he was like as a partner to me. She’d found out about me because he had this really fucking annoying habit of talking endlessly about his ex girlfriend’s so I’m guessing I was just another on his list to bore his current GF with.. Anyway I chose to reply and it transpired he was treating her similarly to me and I helped her find the strength to leave. We met up a couple of times for drinks, I liked her actually.

I don’t think you have anything to lose here. Maybe she’s being abused and is looking for a way out.

Miasicarisatia · 27/04/2021 22:45

Understand the reluctance but I would probably try and help

BlueVelvetStars · 27/04/2021 22:51

Do we even know WHY ? yet 🤔

Emerald4512 · 27/04/2021 22:53

Loving this post!

Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 22:58

Don't block her.

She might be in desperate need.

Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 22:59

@ItsNotLoveActually Thank the lord Clare's law doesnt agree with you.

Guavafish · 27/04/2021 23:01

I would say hi - yes a life time ago! Take care

lothermand · 27/04/2021 23:03

I wished I'd found out the reasons my exes wife left him, I think though, that they've been together for some time, so I'd leave it. You'd want to know at the beginning of a relationship, not years down the line.

This really is drama you can do withoutConfused

Tistheseason17 · 27/04/2021 23:04

I'm not sure how your relationship with him 20+ years ago can help unless she thinks he's cheating with you!

me4real · 27/04/2021 23:17

You'd want to know at the beginning of a relationship, not years down the line.

@lothermand People can not realize fully what a bloke is like at first enough to have doubts about him. Abuse can arise or escalate at any stage, or a woman can read/see something that makes her realize. It's never too late to see the light and leave.