Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:
sunnyzweibrucken · 27/04/2021 16:31

I'm nosey so I would reply back to her lol

Imelda03 · 27/04/2021 16:36

Then why did you seek his wife out on FB and in your original post say it was a good relationship?

Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 16:38

right - update - I did reply to her but via FB and we are speaking tomorrow morning via phone as apparently he'll be at work and her DC will be at school/nursery.

After that I'll tell her what she needs to know e.g. that he cheated on me and was controlling etc but then I'll block her on everything. And I don't want to speak to him.

Doghead - I noseyed at him because he was an ugly sod (cross between Mick Jagger and Tim Henman in looks) who even my mum called ugly. In fact, when I finished with him I actually spat at him - 'you'd never cheat cos you're too ugly to find someone to do that with' and he told me that he had cheated and I knew on speaking to him, it was true.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 16:40

@Imelda03

Then why did you seek his wife out on FB and in your original post say it was a good relationship?
it was a fairly good relationship when it was going well. He wasn't all bad and was very generous and kind when he wanted to be. When you're young and don't know any better of course it was 'good' but I was never going to marry him...

I found his wife on FB because we have a mutual friend who knows us both.... and because I was curious to see how he'd moved on/who he'd married. Everyone FB stalks from time to time.

OP posts:
Alicenwonderland · 27/04/2021 16:41

Well done OP. As someone who was in an abusive relationship I would always be happy to help anyone my ex dates after me. As others have mentioned it can be useful in terms of peace of mind (it wasn't you, it was him), also potential for court hearings. I think you've done the right thing.

GoodnightOwl · 27/04/2021 16:48

@CleverCatty

right - update - I did reply to her but via FB and we are speaking tomorrow morning via phone as apparently he'll be at work and her DC will be at school/nursery.

After that I'll tell her what she needs to know e.g. that he cheated on me and was controlling etc but then I'll block her on everything. And I don't want to speak to him.

Doghead - I noseyed at him because he was an ugly sod (cross between Mick Jagger and Tim Henman in looks) who even my mum called ugly. In fact, when I finished with him I actually spat at him - 'you'd never cheat cos you're too ugly to find someone to do that with' and he told me that he had cheated and I knew on speaking to him, it was true.

Tim Henman! Confused

YoniAndGuy · 27/04/2021 17:00

Good luck OP. However, I would request that the ex is now known as Mick Henman for the purposes of this thread.

me4real · 27/04/2021 17:03

just see a love of drama from OP

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe That's the opposite of what OP is like, which is the reason why she wasn't sure about whether to get involved.

MarshmallowAra · 27/04/2021 17:14

Glad you're speaking to her op.

Doghead · 27/04/2021 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BlueVelvetStars · 27/04/2021 17:35

she's his NEW wife... and you're ab ex from 20 years ago.. Confused

so strange 🤔

ozymandiusking · 27/04/2021 17:38

Just ignore it. Don't get involved.

Christmasfairy2020 · 27/04/2021 17:38

Hea prob hit her and said he has never done it before. I'd reply

Paddington102 · 27/04/2021 17:55

I'd be too intrigued not to reply. Hope it's OK tomorrow and it doesn't become stressful for you OP x

toocold54 · 27/04/2021 17:57

I’m glad you’re finding out what she wants.
It might be to see if he has kids with you or something about his family history around that time rather than he’s being abusive.

I would have personally wanted to speak over messages just so I’m not put on the spot but I guess a phone conversation would get it done in one go.

WilsonMilson · 27/04/2021 17:58

My sensible hat tells me that you should ignore this potential drama.

My nosey mumsnet hat tells me that you must reply immediately and come back to share the drama with us!

toocold54 · 27/04/2021 17:59

But she clearly does love the drama. Hence posting on here. Hence even considering getting involved. The reality is someone who doesn't like drama would've just ignored the message and moved on. She's clearly lonely and wants the attention

Yeah people post on here just for attention Confused wouldn’t that mean you’re lonely and want attention if you’re posting on here too Hmm

SunshineCake · 27/04/2021 18:03

It seems cruel to speak with her then block. Maybe see what she wants before you make that final decision.

Honeyroar · 27/04/2021 18:10

I’d be intrigued to see what she wants. I think it’s good to have a quick chat tomorrow then tell her if you can’t help or don’t want to be involved. Good luck. Let us know.

me4real · 27/04/2021 18:14

But she clearly does love the drama. Hence posting on here. Hence even considering getting involved. The reality is someone who doesn't like drama would've just ignored the message and moved on. She's clearly lonely and wants the attention

@Doghead She was just asking our opinion. And of course it's a bit suprising/intriguing to have this happen.

Kelly345 · 27/04/2021 18:15

So what are you going to do if it turns out he's been treating her appallingly, you confirm he cheated on you too and then she blabs off to him that she's spoken to you and knows he has a track record for cheating? You know, when he comes after you for ruining his marriage? You really should have just blocked her and kept well out of this. She owes you nothing and is clearly delving into his past because the relationship has problems. Problems he could end up holding you responsible for. He's already stalked you once remember...

saraclara · 27/04/2021 18:20

Anyone MNer who got that message would probably come on here to ask what to do. It's a place full of anonymous posters, which avoids running the risk of real-life people gossiping about it, and having it get back to the ex. Not dramatic at all.

I'd do the same, and I very, very rarely post OPs here.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 27/04/2021 18:27

There's nothing wrong with wanting drama, it would just make it easier to get there if we knew at the outset. I (wrongly) took OP ]at her word that she wanted to shy away from this. [grin

ItsNotLoveActually · 27/04/2021 18:30

I think it must actually be quite serious for her to reach out to you. I think I'd listen to her, find out what it's all about. However, if she's having problems, she doesn't need validation from someone who dated him over 20 yrs ago surely?

Happygirl79 · 27/04/2021 18:34

I wouldn't get involved.