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Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:
jakeyboy1 · 27/04/2021 23:17

Shamelessly placemarking...

Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 23:29

@lothermand please educate yourself on abuse.

LadyWhistledownsQuill · 27/04/2021 23:30

@CleverCatty

Oh drat... just seen another message which has come through to my Linked In messages - both our names are quite unusual (well the first names anyway).

In this one she does the same opening lines as in here but asks if we can have a chat about XXXX as she has some questions?

I'm tempted to block her on both these mediums. I can do without the drama.

I'd suspect that she has noticed some unhealthy patterns in the relationship, and is trying to work out if this is part of a pattern in his behaviour.

If he's being more abusive to her than he ever was to you, you could be crucial in helping her to leave.

Consider it your good deed for the day to at least message her back and find out what she wants / needs. You can always block her later if she turns out to be a nutter.

Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 23:31

If you do reply, go careful.

You don't know what is being repeated to him.

DeborahAlisonphillipa · 27/04/2021 23:38

It sounds like you don’t want to respond so honestly, just don’t? I don’t think I would.

I don’t believe in holding women responsible for policing men - it’s not your obligation to sort out something your ex has done. Nor are you morally obliged to open yourself up to any sort of retaliation from your ex, or even just forcing yourself to remember what might be an upsetting time. You have no idea what the situation is - the wife herself could be abusive and looking for ammunition against her husband by contacting exes.

VenusTiger · 27/04/2021 23:44

I bet he's got another kid and she's trying to find out who the mother is - maybe at 18 they've knocked on her door.
It's weird to be contacting you after all this time - she must've contacted other exes too surely?

Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 23:45

@VenusTiger

I bet he's got another kid and she's trying to find out who the mother is - maybe at 18 they've knocked on her door. It's weird to be contacting you after all this time - she must've contacted other exes too surely?
Why are you making things up?
Butwasitherdriveway · 27/04/2021 23:45

@DeborahAlisonphillipa

It sounds like you don’t want to respond so honestly, just don’t? I don’t think I would.

I don’t believe in holding women responsible for policing men - it’s not your obligation to sort out something your ex has done. Nor are you morally obliged to open yourself up to any sort of retaliation from your ex, or even just forcing yourself to remember what might be an upsetting time. You have no idea what the situation is - the wife herself could be abusive and looking for ammunition against her husband by contacting exes.

Its not policing men. Its considering compassion for other women.
SquirtleSquad · 28/04/2021 00:02

What does the SO in ex-SO stand for?

SquirtleSquad · 28/04/2021 00:03

Significant other?

Butwasitherdriveway · 28/04/2021 00:03

yep

AmberItsACertainty · 28/04/2021 00:05

I'd hate by my saying something this could cause issues... he wasn't all bad and could be really nice, but yes, we were both young and a bit stupid.

If there's any issues in their relationship it's him causing them, not you. He was sufficiently bad that after 20 years you typed this:

I really don't want him ringing me up shouting at me which I fear he may do if I speak to her.

And this:

I feel sick...

I'd talk to her. Just to answer her questions. Because I'd feel sorry for her.

SusannahMartin · 28/04/2021 00:15

I would answer her. I think it's good to help people if you can.

Miasicarisatia · 28/04/2021 00:21

I would talk to her but I would make it clear that on no account should my name be mentioned to him!
I think I'd hear her out without giving her any information and then tell her I'm taking some time to think about it and I will contact her if I'm prepared to discuss anything.
It would be easy for her to record the call though so you can't guarantee that anything will be private, I would assume anything you say will be kept and may be used against you in the future... if he's still a bad news person at this stage of his life then the people who he associates with probably won't be any better

VenusTiger · 28/04/2021 00:23

@Butwasitherdriveway oh god, you're shouting at me and others on this thread too, what a bore.

I'm not making things up, I'm making a suggestion, like other pps do, on all threads, all the time, it's called a discussion.
'why has this person messaged me' ? cue suggestions in the thread.
'why would this person want to contact me?' cue suggestions about DV in the thread.
As another pp said to you, do one.

TedMullins · 28/04/2021 00:36

I don’t understand why anyone would be offended at her message, or wouldn’t reply. My first instinct would be that he’s behaving abusively and that I need to help her. She’s done nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve to be blocked. If she turns out to be a nutcase who thinks you’re after her husband block her then! I once messaged an ex of a bf who behaved very strangely and manipulatively and she replied telling me he’d done the same (and worse) to her. We went for a coffee and it culminated in us ambushing him in his local pub and confronting him about his behaviour together. God knows if it had any effect but the look on his face was priceless.

victoriaspongecake · 28/04/2021 00:39

No do not reply. It may be HIM messaging you under her name and it sounds like he wasn’t the sort of person to keep in touch with.
Plus any problems in their relationship has nothing to do with you. I would block the number and move on.

Butwasitherdriveway · 28/04/2021 00:41

[quote VenusTiger]@Butwasitherdriveway oh god, you're shouting at me and others on this thread too, what a bore.

I'm not making things up, I'm making a suggestion, like other pps do, on all threads, all the time, it's called a discussion.
'why has this person messaged me' ? cue suggestions in the thread.
'why would this person want to contact me?' cue suggestions about DV in the thread.
As another pp said to you, do one.[/quote]
No I said do one :) read the thread properly Hun

I'm not shouting at all, that's too much energy

But the made up child is not helpful to OP

MyGrassIsBrowner · 28/04/2021 02:41

Good luck with the phonecall OP

LuvMyBubbles · 28/04/2021 02:55

How did you go?

expat101 · 28/04/2021 03:04

I have a fake FB account and I use that to check out my main account. So far my fake account hasn't shown up in my suggested friends' list... so I don't think that works.

Mutual friend suggestions yes, but only because we share the same friend or two.

I also use the fake account to ''spy'' if I get the urge. Much safer.

If she has concerns about her relationship, she shouldn't be bench marking it against yours at the time with him.

Thinking of my neighbour, how he is with his current wife is different to how he was when he and his original partner moved next door. If anything, he is a bigger tool now than then, simply because he can pull the wool over his wife's eyes with whatever he says.

I'm not sure what she could possibly glean from you that would help her, other than arm her with a defence next time they argue. However if she needs female support, perhaps a gentle question here or there to see if she has a support network, might be in order.

Either or, you don't owe her or anyone an explanation of what is also your past. If this is causing you upset, keep it brief and as non personal as you can make it.

Good luck.

Fashio · 28/04/2021 03:17

Oh good lord. What did she say

Notnowjo · 28/04/2021 03:30

I have a fake facebook account too, I log onto it on my husbands computer and magically we became each others friends without either of us ever accepting the request, we unfriended each other and still come up on each others accounts.

I find it scary!

Mojitomumma · 28/04/2021 03:53

Please update in the morning

DramaBanana1 · 28/04/2021 04:06

I’d ignore it and forget it, especially as it’s making you feel uncomfortable. I’ve always stopped contact with ex’s as soon as it’s over, even when they’ve tried to make contact afterward (I know this isn’t exactly your situation) and my life is a lot easier for it. I’ve watched others do the opposite and most of the time it just gets messy.