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Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:
KenAddams · 27/04/2021 15:32

Please at least respond u don't know why she might be contacting you. If it's crazy stuff block afterward.

BlueVelvetStars · 27/04/2021 15:32

You are inviting yourself into potential marital problems.. don't do it .. you will regret it.

SkinnyEx · 27/04/2021 15:35

If i could help another woman after what my ex put me through id do it in a heartbeat.

This

Atalantea · 27/04/2021 15:36

I would just ask her - save yourself a lot of angst.

nancywhitehead · 27/04/2021 15:37

Delete and don't reply. It's none of your business.

HollowTalk · 27/04/2021 15:39

Given his character I would talk to her in case she's been driven mad by him, too. It would help her to know it's not her.

As for him, I'd welcome the chance to tell him to do one if he tried to get in touch to complain. If he tried again I'd report him to the police.

You don't have to be scared of him now.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 15:42

@Howyoudoingirl

You seem to know a lot about his life. You dated him 20yrs ago, you have no kids with him. Block & move on. (I suspect you won't & the saga will play out for the crowd)
I know a fair bit about him because we have a mutual friend whom I see occasionally - and I had a snoop around his FB! His name rarely crops up surprisingly - she might mention she saw him in XXX town but generally she doesn't mention this as they're not close friends.

I know I dated him 20 years ago for 2 bloody years (it was an intense and sometimes car-crash of a relationship, not denying that at all) and we lived together for a very short time - but she's now messaged me.

I'm happy to block and move on but half here are saying to message her back.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 15:44

@KenAddams

Please at least respond u don't know why she might be contacting you. If it's crazy stuff block afterward.
Ok - for anyone interested (and F knows I am not doing this for drama reasons), I'm going to message her and get her number and ring her quickly to ask what she wants and then block and delete her afterwards.

Funnily enough I won't update here afterwards as I don't want this to seem like an episode of Hollyoaks.

OP posts:
Rejoiningperson · 27/04/2021 15:48

I don’t think there is any harm in messaging once to ask politely why she has messaged you.

My Ex was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and deliberately made his Exes pit against each other partly I think so we wouldn’t talk to each other. I had concerns that he was becoming emotionally abusive and was cheating - I would have loved to have chatted to his long term Ex but she ‘hated me’ (because of his lies I guess). So a short message just to see if she’d had any ‘alerts’ would have helped greatly.

Of course this Ex might be wanting to be quite suffocating and ‘own’ parts of his life too - but you’ll find that out if she answers that she wants to get to know you. If she does, just say sorry we don’t really know each other.

Rejoiningperson · 27/04/2021 15:50

And to be fair she’s done nothing terrible yet, all she’s done it get in touch.

ILoveRossGeller · 27/04/2021 15:50

Oh come on OP don't be like that... some of us need to know :-) I promise I won't call it an episode of Hollyoaks! For what it's worth I would let her ask what she wants to ask but be vague and remind her you knew him 20 odd years ago so he may well have changed (even though we know he bloody won't have)

Howyoudoingirl · 27/04/2021 15:51

' I'm happy to block and move on but half here are saying to message her back.'

Ya! Wouldn't want to disappoint eh!

NoSquirrels · 27/04/2021 15:52

I would reply. Because if he was controlling and possessive then the overwhelming likelihood is that she needs to ask you something about that. And I would not be able to bear knowing I might be able to help.

I would reply - via LinkedIn, perhaps, and offer an email address that’s a throwaway (not linked to others you use) and just say something like ‘Yes I knew X. Feel free to send me an email on this address...’ and then go from there.

Once you know what she needs to know, decide how to reply. That could be ‘I don’t feel comfortable getting involved’ or it could be ‘Yes, I found him controlling but it was a long time ago and I don’t want any further contact with him so I would appreciate if you kept this information to yourself.’ Or whatever.

TagsMum · 27/04/2021 15:53

Do what you feel is right OP.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 27/04/2021 15:58

I've read all the posts on this thread OP and I honestly can't understand why you'd want to even reply to this. She is now married to him, has been for 8 years so presumably knows him better by now than you did. He may have changed, may not. May have picked up some worse habits by now, but none of this is anything at all to do with you and she is a bit ill-mannered.

There's no information that you would have that she doesn't so why engage? I really wouldn't. I would ignore - and if she gets in touch again, block her. I agree with TheOrigRights, you owe this woman nothing. It could be a Pandora's Box that you will regret the opening of.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 27/04/2021 15:59

Oh a two-page thread and you've updated, OP. I think you must actually like a bit of drama. Enjoy.

Sonofabiscuit · 27/04/2021 16:01

OP just ignore the messages from her .
You said in one post ,you have a mutual friend with ex..well either they have said something or if she wants to know anything can ask them

MrsMariaReynolds · 27/04/2021 16:03

What on earth does she think she can garner from someone who was with her H for only 2 years, two decades ago, when she herself has been with him for the last (at least) 8?

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 27/04/2021 16:04

@Howyoudoingirl

' I'm happy to block and move on but half here are saying to message her back.'

Ya! Wouldn't want to disappoint eh!

If you suspect trolling report it otherwise shut up
SwanShaped · 27/04/2021 16:05

I’d message back. It’s not all or nothing. You can message back once and see what she has to say. And then either answer her questions or block.

Re Facebook, it also owns WhatsApp. So i find people are recommended to me if we’ve been using WhatsApp in a similar location. Or sometimes it recommends my friends’ WhatsApp contacts.

Iworry2021 · 27/04/2021 16:07

I'd offer to chat on the phone if she has any questions. Would ask for her number and then call with a hidden number. This way nothing is in writing.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 27/04/2021 16:09

SakuraEdenSwan1, That's really rude. How you infer troll-hunting from that post I don't know? I read it and the OP's posts and just see a love of drama from OP and many others... that's how I read Howyoudoinggirl's post.

Telling somebody to 'shut up' though Hmm

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 27/04/2021 16:10

I found a similar message several months too late as they'd broken up by the time I saw it. Asking me whether ex had a habit of being controlling etc as thought she spotted warning signs.

What was really weird though was I had set up a whole new Facebook page had absolutely no one linked to ex on there so no idea how she found it and found it particularly strange she knew my name as although we share a Dd I had absolutely nothing to do with him so he must have been talki g about me to her.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/04/2021 16:21

@CleverCatty

Oh drat... just seen another message which has come through to my Linked In messages - both our names are quite unusual (well the first names anyway).

In this one she does the same opening lines as in here but asks if we can have a chat about XXXX as she has some questions?

I'm tempted to block her on both these mediums. I can do without the drama.

I would go with that reaction. There's wisdom in that old saying 'let sleeping dogs lie'. Why get involved in someone else's drama? You owe her nothing; you've moved on and left that part of your life behind.
Doghead · 27/04/2021 16:26

"Christ no way would I be after her fella now - she's welcome to him!"

Hmm. Not convinced. You noseyed at him first remember......and now you can't wait to get involved in his life.

Come on.....fess up....you're loving all the drama😂

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