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Original poster

Boyfriend asking for sex act and I can’t do it.

150 replies

Fightingback16 · 26/04/2021 07:03

Im really torn and upset about this. My boyfriend friend of 6 months now keeps wanting a bj. I get it it feels nice. He never seems to want just normal sex.

I was heavily abused in my previous relationship of 10 years. I can’t do it, when he asks I freeze. I have explained this to him. I’m so very uncomfortable. He asked last night and I froze and got up and left. Then I got home and cried that I just can’t do what he wants me to. My previous partner caused me to have have 2 operations at the beginning of the relationship then just abused me.

I think I’m going to have to let him go as I’ll never be just a normal partner. I’m sad and it’s making me feel unwell.

OP posts:
TomPinch · 26/04/2021 07:11

He's being very unkind. Kick him to the kerb. Life is too short to be a normal partner to someone who is nasty.

Twirl96 · 26/04/2021 07:15

The guy your with now doesn’t sound very sensitive to your needs. He seems to only be thinking about his own needs. I know for a fact if I told my partner my past and certain sexual acts made me uncomfortable he would NEVER ask or expect me to perform these acts. Find a man who understands and looks after you.

justawoman · 26/04/2021 07:15

I’m so sorry. Have you had some counselling or support to help you with the horrendous abuse you’ve suffered? How about the Freedom Programme?

I’m not saying that, by the way, so that you can get into a place where you feel able to give BJs or perform any other sex act you don’t want to. Plenty of women without a history of abuse don’t want to give BJs, it’s entirely up to you.

I do worry that you’ve moved from one abusive relationship into another. Just because this guy isn’t abusing you so awfully as the last one doesn’t mean he isn’t abusive. If you’ve said no to a particular act, for whatever reason, that means no. If he’s putting pressure on you to do it that verges on sexual assault.

Stay strong, don’t be manipulated or guilted into doing anything, sexual or otherwise, that you don’t want to do. If he’s putting pressure on you to do it, leave him. And I’d suggest getting some support for your trauma.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 26/04/2021 07:17

There’s nothing wrong with you, it really is him. No decent man would ever keep asking you to do something that you can’t do.

Don’t let him go, make him go, he’s an arsehole

TomPinch · 26/04/2021 07:18

You told him that you didn't want to do it because of the abuse you suffered. Instead of comforting you, he carried on pushing.

Where do these people get spawned?

LawnFever · 26/04/2021 07:21

This is his issue not yours, he should listen and be supportive of what you’ve told him, not keep pushing.

This says a lot about him as a person, take a step back and think about whether his actions are those of a person you really want a longer term relationship with?

jannyapple · 26/04/2021 07:23

He's vile
Get rid
Get help with your past
You are worth so much more than this

SeaTurtles92 · 26/04/2021 07:24

So he knows yet still asks.
This just goes to show he doesn't care and wants his needs satisfied.

Get rid of him. You're not the problem here. Stay strong.

tabulahrasa · 26/04/2021 07:26

“I think I’m going to have to let him go as I’ll never be just a normal partner.”

No... you’re going to have to let him go because he isn’t a normal partner.

It’s not normal to want someone to do something that you know upsets them... it’s just not.

daretodenim · 26/04/2021 07:39

There's nothing wrong with you OP. Your responses actually show you're totally normal.

His responses are not normal, they're inhumane. I am not exaggerating.

You do not have to do things sexually to please him. He should never want you to have any type of sex that you're not 100% enjoying, because..why would he want to have sex with someone who isn't enjoying it?!!

Like I said, you are totally normal. If you find that your past experiences are currently impacting your life in a way you find negative, then therapy (probably EMDR for trauma) could be helpful. It's not something you need to do unless you feel you want to.

Please remember though that the only abnormal people here are you ex for what he did and your current DP for what he wants to do. You're not a robot who is un-impacted by what life does to you. You're a normal human responding normally after abnormal (and abhorrent) events.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 26/04/2021 07:39

This isn't your problem. It's his.

Instead of pressuring you he should be understanding what you've been through and proud of the fact you've opened up to him.

He isn't the right person for you, in fact I think you have another potential abuser lined up. End the relationship and seek counselling so you can help stop this cycle. Unfortunately certain men can spot vulnerability from a thousand paces, he's testing your boundaries to see what he can start getting away with. Don't let him get further than that.

Lozzerbmc · 26/04/2021 07:43

He should have been understanding but instead pushed you for something he wanted knowing you were uncomfortable. You’re better off without him.

You will find a man who respects you - there are some good ones out there.

redrocks · 26/04/2021 07:44

There's no such thing as 'normal' sex. On the one hand, it's perfectly plausible that your boyfriend might have come from a previous relationship where BJs were a very regular part of sex - that's not 'abnormal'. However, there are plenty of women who aren't keen on BJ's (and presumably some men), so it's also not at all abnormal for them not to feature in a couple's sex life. What is completely abnormal and unacceptable is for your boyfriend to expect you to do something in bed that you're not comfortable with and don't enjoy.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 26/04/2021 07:44

I have done the freedom programme and had some counselling. I don’t think he is an abuser but he appears very immature and the world I come from is very different to his.

He triggers the inadequacy that my ex husband constantly made me feel even if not intentionally. No amount of counselling will make me want to perform sex acts that I just can’t. I will always have the memories I have which I hate.

I think I am perhaps a little too complicated for this guy who really is very inexperienced.

OP posts:
TomPinch · 26/04/2021 07:47

It's not your job to help him grow up.

GoddessLocs · 26/04/2021 07:48

There is nothing abnormal or wrong with you for having boundaries and hard no's, if anything it just shows how strong and brave you are.
End this relationship, he is not right for you and life it too short to settled and suffer. You deserve a loving and respectful partner ❤

minniemomo · 26/04/2021 07:49

Think you have hit the nail on the head @Fightingback16 it's he younger your new bf? He seems to be asking for what he perceives to be "normal" rather than listening, often porn is the issue, men have got confused over what is really normal

Lollyneenah · 26/04/2021 07:49

Hes a clumsy pushy stupid oaf at the absolute very least. A good partner will never let you experience that awful freezing feeling more than once.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 26/04/2021 07:57

Yes he is 7 years younger and I’m 38 and he is very inexperienced with women I think. I do realise that I have a little more baggage then normal, not that any of it was my fault.

I wish I was normal though, whatever normal is. He is a very sweet guy in many other ways. My past is very hard to understand even to my friends.

OP posts:
ImNotThatPathetic · 26/04/2021 07:59

Get rid! To ask is fine. To revisit the issue a while late is iffy, but to push it? Ew. No.

I don't give them to my husband of 17 years. Firstly, I don't like them, and secondly, I've a gag reflex so bad I can't even hold my house keys in my mouth for more than a few seconds carrying stuff to my door without retching! My husband knows not to ask and I'd think a lot less of him if he did.

Ansjovis · 26/04/2021 08:00

I really think you could benefit from some professional help to reframe this situation. Your post is all about what YOU could/should be doing for HIM, I don't see anything about what HE should be doing for YOU. The way I see it, this is what he should be doing for you:

It's fair enough to ask for it once. When you told him about your history his reaction should have been one of great sadness that someone he cares about has been through such a trauma. Fairly soon after your disclosure I would expect "what do you need from me in order to make our time together enjoyable and not triggering?" or words to that effect. He should then have listened while you set out what would help you and promised that he would do his very best to follow everything you've asked for. If ever there was an accidental trigger he should immediately apologise and desist from the action that caused the trigger.

Does any of this sound familiar? From your post I'm guessing not. You have a right to set your boundaries and you have a right to be with someone who can rise to the standard of basic human decency needed to stay within them. I think you know what you need to do (i.e. dump and block without entering into an extended dialogue about why) but I think you need to be prepared that he may lay blame at your door when you do. His failure to be a decent human being is NOT your fault, please do keep that front and centre in your mind at all times.

TomPinch · 26/04/2021 08:00

He's 31 and doesn't realise what he's doing is wrong?

I think a 17 year old with average empathy would realise this.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 26/04/2021 08:02

OP, I wouldn't concentrate on what you think is 'normal.' Lots of people don't like giving bj's for a variety of reasons and that's fine. The main thing is finding someone who understands your limits and respects them.

If he told you he didn't like missionary sex because of a previous abusive partner, would you ask for it repeatedly? Or would you understand that's a boundary for him and not mention it again?

You're putting a lot of blame for this on you but this isn't your fault at all.

Sunnyday321 · 26/04/2021 08:05

He wants something that is his ' normal ' , and you don't want to do it as it's not your normal .
You are both entitled to your likes and dislikes , but in this case , I'd say you are not
sexually compatible and if that is a problem in the relationship you need to move on

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 26/04/2021 08:07

Yes I think you are right and in a way I realise my boundary is not being respected that’s why I freeze and don’t perform anything and get up and go. Then I hear 10 years of how inadequate I am and I get confused. Is it me, I should be wanting to perform an act that makes him happy as I do like him a lot.

OP posts: