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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend asking for sex act and I can’t do it.

150 replies

Fightingback16 · 26/04/2021 07:03

Im really torn and upset about this. My boyfriend friend of 6 months now keeps wanting a bj. I get it it feels nice. He never seems to want just normal sex.

I was heavily abused in my previous relationship of 10 years. I can’t do it, when he asks I freeze. I have explained this to him. I’m so very uncomfortable. He asked last night and I froze and got up and left. Then I got home and cried that I just can’t do what he wants me to. My previous partner caused me to have have 2 operations at the beginning of the relationship then just abused me.

I think I’m going to have to let him go as I’ll never be just a normal partner. I’m sad and it’s making me feel unwell.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 26/04/2021 10:07

I think you need to say clearly that he has to stop asking. You have explained why you don’t want to do this and that should be enough. You have said no. Hounding you like this is coercion.
Tell him that he has to accept your no, or you will split up. It isn’t kind or normal to harass someone for sexual activity ! It is really unpleasant.
If he doesn’t take this on board and stop then he is not the man for you anyway.
I could not be with a man who watched pornography, with that plus the way he is treating you, he clearly thinks of women as something there to serve him sexually.

Embracingthechaos · 26/04/2021 10:09

Imagine if your boyfriend was horribly abused by his ex, and he told you that he just can't do oral sex. It frightens him so much that it makes him freeze up. He cries about it.

Would you then repeatedly ask him to do that for you?

This man doesn't deserve you.

me4real · 26/04/2021 10:10

Absolutely dump him.

You are a normal partner- some women don't like giving blowjobs and that's ok.

Him repeatedly pressurizing you to do a sexual thing you don't want to do is far from ok, it's disgusting.

provencegal · 26/04/2021 10:14

I would hate to give anyone a BJ. Hate it. There is nothing I detest more. So you need to find someone that isn't massively into that, and you will be far more happier and more comfortable with a man that enjoys making love to you, and doesn't expect you to be a 'performing monkey'

What a truly dreadful and horrible feeling, to feel you are just there serving his needs, for free, an escort would charge for the kind of performance you are describing. This is NOT an equal, kind or decent relationship. You are just there to serve his needs.

The relationship is over, not because of your past or your ex.

The relationship is over because he does not give a damn about your needs or wishes, and shows you very little respect.

Find your own self respect, say no to the BJ and no to the relationship and go and let him find somebody that can face doing that four times a week for the rest of their lives. Good luck to them.

You find yourself a decent man that thinks and responds to your needs and your enjoyment, and never ever makes you feel bad ever again.

LindaEllen · 26/04/2021 10:15

I was in an abusive relationship, and there are certain things I just can't bring myself to do.

I told my partner about them and guess what? He accepted it, and would NEVER ask me to do those things.

Because that's what they do when they actually love you, and care about YOU more than about their own selfish pleasure.

provencegal · 26/04/2021 10:16

What you describe is coercive and abusive btw, and will not get any better and is likely to get much worse.

24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed · 26/04/2021 10:18

LTB.

So glad I’ve finally found a good enough excuse to say that Flowers

Eviethyme · 26/04/2021 10:21

The way I look at it is what kind of person would happily take something the other person didn't want to do /felt uncomfortable doing... Like I'm imagining making my husband give me head knowing he hates it... I hate head thankfully as makes me uncomfortable but I imagine I would feel so awkward!!! Like noooo

MrsPsmalls · 26/04/2021 10:23

You do not want the same things which is fine. He should have ended the relationship though when he discovered this. He didn't and now he is harassing you. So you have to take responsibility for ending it I think.

provencegal · 26/04/2021 10:26

mrsP Do you actually think the boyfriend is EVER going to find a girlfriend who wants to do this each and every time there is any intimacy? I think he has delusions. Porn delusions of what girlfriends are, what relationships look like and how they work.

No relationship works on one half continually servicing the needs of another in this way without any thought for their needs unless it is one based on coercion, abuse or is paid for.

toocold54 · 26/04/2021 10:28

OP I know a few people both male and female who don’t give oral either ever or very rarely and none of them have been sexually abused. I do do it but there are things I don’t do.

Never feel bad or feel like there is something wrong with you for nothing wanting to do something.
We all have our boundaries and it’s healthy to have them. So just be open with him and say I don’t do that and I’m not going to change my mind.

chocorabbit · 26/04/2021 10:30

@tabulahrasa

“I think I’m going to have to let him go as I’ll never be just a normal partner.”

No... you’re going to have to let him go because he isn’t a normal partner.

It’s not normal to want someone to do something that you know upsets them... it’s just not.

I was coming to say exactly this! HE is not the noraml partner. How about your needs? He sounds like a teenager or very immature and self-absorbed.
GiveMeTulipsfromAmsterdam · 26/04/2021 10:30

He is the one with the problem not you. He isn't listening or sensitive to you and your needs.
He isn't for you, there are better men out there.
Good luck

CaptainHammer · 26/04/2021 10:31

He knows your past and how you feel about it but still asks every time? He is not a nice person

IsThePopeCatholic · 26/04/2021 10:34

He’s being selfish and manipulative. It’s time to leave him.

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo · 26/04/2021 10:41

Please don’t blame yourself. You’ve said a few times about not being “normal”. We’re all products of our previous life experiences. Sadly, through no fault of your own, yours have been really shitty. I’d say feeling unable to do certain sex acts after a very abusive relationship is a pretty normal protective reaction. To be fair, I also have friends who have not been in abusive relationships, who also don’t do oral sex. And that’s also fine and normal. Please stop seeing this as a sign that there’s something wrong with you. It’s absolutely normal and fine to have boundaries.

I get that this boyfriend isn’t abusive in the same way your ex was. But ultimately, if he’s repeatedly asking you for something he knows distresses you, then he doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

See breaking up with him as an of self-care. You deserve better and better will come along.

aiwblam · 26/04/2021 10:55

Him keeping on asking shows a failure to understand much at all.

Chickychickydodah · 26/04/2021 11:05

Just. Get rid of him, he sounds like a selfish arsehole.
I was abused myself and it took me years to get over stuff. There are certain things I can’t do and my oh respects that...

Lweji · 26/04/2021 11:05

Just reinforcing what others have said.
You've explained it to him, he keeps asking, he's not respecting your boundaries and he does not love you. Someone who loves you, will not want you to be uncomfortable.
It has nothing to do with his age, this is him.

You deserve someone who respects you and wants you to be happy.

Dump him.

BertramLacey · 26/04/2021 11:07

he is very inexperienced with women I think.

You really don't need much experience, indeed you don't need any experience, to know that no means no. It's very simple. And I agree with PP - he is not sweet. He is extremely selfish at best.

DinosaurDiana · 26/04/2021 11:07

Know your boundaries and stick to them.

toolazytothinkofausername · 26/04/2021 11:07

@Fightingback16

I will probably never be sexually compatible with anyone again thanks to me ex. Sad
I disagree. You are not sexually compatible with your current boyfriend, but every man is different.

I have never given my DH a BJ or done anal, but he is happy with sex.

EwwSprouts · 26/04/2021 11:11

You are normal! Everyone has a history and has a right personal boundaries and preferences. He shouldn't keep asking.

CaraherEIL · 26/04/2021 11:12

You have had to expose yourself emotionally to explain why you can’t do it, no doubt feeling relieved that you had explained it clearly and made yourself understood.
Then he asks for it every single time you are sexual. You then have to reexplain everytime whilst feeling self conscious and upset, then I presume have sex with him. This cycle is quite abusive you end up feeling inadequate and humiliated everytime you do anything sexual with him.
He is not a good choice of partner for you because he is a major douche with apparently a hearing problem.
Also he is 31 not 13. His attitude is like an overexcited teenage boy.

amusedtodeath1 · 26/04/2021 11:13

The reason why you won't give him a BJ is not the issue. Anyone can refuse to do anything they don't want to, sexually or otherwise. You say No, he should say OK. If you've told him BJ's are never going to be part of your sexual itinerary, then he should accept that and never bring it up or admit that HE has an issue and end the relationship.

This is not a you thing.

There is life after abuse, I know from personal experience, you can have a lovely sexual relationship with someone who really cares and gets you. This man isn't that.