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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend asking for sex act and I can’t do it.

150 replies

Fightingback16 · 26/04/2021 07:03

Im really torn and upset about this. My boyfriend friend of 6 months now keeps wanting a bj. I get it it feels nice. He never seems to want just normal sex.

I was heavily abused in my previous relationship of 10 years. I can’t do it, when he asks I freeze. I have explained this to him. I’m so very uncomfortable. He asked last night and I froze and got up and left. Then I got home and cried that I just can’t do what he wants me to. My previous partner caused me to have have 2 operations at the beginning of the relationship then just abused me.

I think I’m going to have to let him go as I’ll never be just a normal partner. I’m sad and it’s making me feel unwell.

OP posts:

DarlingWithoutYou · 26/04/2021 18:39

You need new friends

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 26/04/2021 18:45

More work colleagues really. A lot of people are not great when you mention abuse, there is an awful lot of victim blaming which doesn’t help with healing.

OP posts:

BertramLacey · 26/04/2021 18:46

A few of my friends have said I’m prude and just to put it in my mouth and get over it.

They're not friends. It's fine not to want to give and/ or receive oral sex. Some people just don't like it. It doesn't make you a prude.

Lweji · 26/04/2021 18:57

If they are just work colleagues, don't discuss anything sexual or relating to abuse with them. You should talk with people you really trust and are real friends, if you need to.

Maybe my friends and co-workers are also prudes. We don't tend to discuss sex. At least in my case, it's something I discuss with partners, i.e. the people I need to discuss it with.

Maggiesfarm · 26/04/2021 19:08

Don't do anything you do not want to do. Your boyfriend is unfair to push it (no pun intended). These things should happen if mutually desired.

You do not need a man who tries to coerce you into anything when it comes to sex.

AgentJohnson · 26/04/2021 19:12

I will probably never be sexually compatible with anyone again thanks to me ex.

You mean you won’t ever be compatible with selfish arseholes, who prioritise their own sexual gratification over the mental well-being of their partners. Your body, your rules OP. Any man who has problems with that basic concept needs to do one. Sex isn’t solely about making the other person happy, especially at your own expense. Contrary to popular belief amongst arseholes, no man is entitled to a BJ/ Anal/ or whatever porn move is currently popular.

Arseholes come in many flavours, your current arsehole, is just a different one. Get rid! It isn’t your job to educate this twat in basic decency.

AgentJohnson · 26/04/2021 19:18

A few of my friends have said I’m prude and just to put it in my mouth and get over it.

It never ceases to amaze me, the willingness of some to broadcast their stupidity.

This isn’t about your trauma, it’s about your bf not respecting your clear boundaries. He’s in the wrong, not you. God your friends are twats.

Maggiesfarm · 26/04/2021 19:22

I don't think it is something to be discussed with a few of your friends, frankly. It's a private matter. It's OK to talk about it on here because we are anonymous.

There's nothing wrong with you and you will eventually meet a more considerate man.

me4real · 26/04/2021 19:24

I think that perhaps in my way of not wanting to be good enough I wasn’t clear enough. He replied that he was sorry he pushed and that he didn’t realise what happened

@Fightingback16 Even if you hadn't had past abuse, he'd be wrong to pressure you the way he has. That's not ok to do to anyone. It's vile.

A few of my friends have said I’m prude and just to put it in my mouth and get over it

How sad. 'Lie back and think of England.' No, no-one should be doing anything sexually they don't want to. It could damage anyone to do stuff they don't want sexually, and as you've had previous abuse would probably retraumatize you, especially as it'd be as a result of coercion.

Thatnameistaken · 26/04/2021 19:24

You don't ever have to explain to someone why you won't do a certain act, a simple 'no I don't want to do that, I don't like it.' should do

me4real · 26/04/2021 19:33

@Thatnameistaken is completely right. I blocked an acquaintance who was being slightly creepy last year, and said 'I have to because of X' (a mental health condition. I shouldn'tve felt I had to have an extra justification for it, it was all on him. 'You're being creepy and so I'm blocking' is enough.

@Fightingback16 It's his behaviour that is at fault. I think most of us would've blocked him for trying to nag us into doing stuff we didn't want to do. I certainly would. But I mainly only learned this stuff a couple of years ago, so I do understand that not everyone does that as easily, especially if they're vulnerable in some way. It's never too late to start, though.

Dashel · 26/04/2021 19:54

Even if you had never been abused and I am so sorry that you have been, a partner should never ever want you to do anything you don’t want to do sexually. You would never force him to do something he didn’t want to do so we is he still pestering you?

AgathaAllAlong · 26/04/2021 20:48

Women don't need a reason to say no to any sex act, however culturally widespread, and however much the man wants it. The fact that you don't want to do it is enough. I don't like DP touching my breasts since breastfeeding my baby (even though baby hardly breastfeeds anymore!). pretty sure this is a standard part of foreplay for many people, but DP respects that because he isn't abusive.

I0NA · 26/04/2021 22:01

@Fightingback16

More work colleagues really. A lot of people are not great when you mention abuse, there is an awful lot of victim blaming which doesn’t help with healing.

You REALLY need to stop discussing your sexual preferences and your history of abuse with work colleagues. These are topics to discuss with your therapist / counsellor and a close and trusted long term friend.

You are WAY too vulnerable to be discussing this with randomer or even new partners. Peoples issues about victim blaming / misunderstanding etc are not yours to deal with. They can educate themselves.

Just a “ BTW I don’t do X and Y as I don’t like it, so please don’t ask “ to a sexual partner is sufficient.

That’s not because being a survivor of sexual abuse is something to be ashamed of. It’s because it’s private and some people will use it to exploit you.

BertramLacey · 26/04/2021 22:40

None of my colleagues have ever known anything about my sexual preferences. It's something I might discuss with a close friend but honestly, I think only my partners have ever really known. Well, partners and randomers on the internet

Maggiesfarm · 26/04/2021 22:54

@Fightingback16

More work colleagues really. A lot of people are not great when you mention abuse, there is an awful lot of victim blaming which doesn’t help with healing.

Please do not discuss such personal things with work colleagues. They will only spread the gossip. It's a personal matter, between you and your partner.

You have to be straightforward with him, Fightingback. If he sulks or tries to coerce you, ditch him.

humansare · 26/04/2021 23:35

There's nothing abnormal about not performing sex acts you don't want to perform. It's not some kind of deficit or abnormality you need to work on. Boundaries are good. Constantly pushing against other people's boundaries is bad. He's either a moron, or sick in the head. Bin him. No means no. You don't have to explain, or open up, or talk about reasons. No is a full sentence.

Like some other posters have said, I'm also suggesting that you don't talk to new lovers or friends or colleagues at work about being previously abused. It's not good to be so open about serious trauma you've experienced. Don't get me wrong, being abused isn't something to be ashamed of, but there's loads of predators in the world, and they often target people who have already been abused. Please protect yourself x

me4real · 27/04/2021 01:26

@Fightingback16 PP's make a good point about the work colleagues. Stuff like that is to share only with people who you know/are more sure will be on your team. Otherwise, there's a greater chance of people dismissing the impact of your experience, which isn't good for your wellbeing.

BlueDahlia69 · 27/04/2021 01:29

End the relationship 🌸

Original poster

Fightingback16 · 27/04/2021 07:11

Yes I agree about discussing as work. It was only to a couple of trusted people who new about my court cases etc but they have turned a bit lately. One is supposed to be a safeguarding person but her views are basically I would never be abused as I’m too strong. Will take it on board and discuss no further.

OP posts:

Maggiesfarm · 27/04/2021 10:23

Good, Fightingback. You never really know who you can trust.

Now you have to move on.

MarshmallowAra · 27/04/2021 10:33

They sound like dicks.

What was said is ridiculous. Like you're a prostitute being bullied by a pimp or something.

Noone should be doing something - especially penetrative - but at all that they don't want to and don't enjoy.

Colourmeclear · 27/04/2021 10:47

I really get this. I can't do BJ's. I don't even know why, I think it's related to my abusive ex. Just everything in my body says no even just thinking about it. My partner is 100% understanding but I still feel guilty. I still get frustrated with myself.

One of the hardest things to come to terms with is how poor society is in general at looking after individuals. Constant victim shaming, minimising and ignoring. People generally aren't clued in to what is happening for them and seem weirded out when other people do. The people who just get on with it and likely denying something in themselves or looking at the experience from the outside.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 27/04/2021 11:13

If he knows you have a problem with this but still keeps asking then you need to leave him. He’s selfish and actually quite cruel.

FinallyHere · 27/04/2021 11:14

her views are basically I would never be abused as I’m too strong.

Terrible attitude.

It's one of the complexities around abuse that people don't realise how it actually works.

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