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Original poster

Boyfriend asking for sex act and I can’t do it.

150 replies

Fightingback16 · 26/04/2021 07:03

Im really torn and upset about this. My boyfriend friend of 6 months now keeps wanting a bj. I get it it feels nice. He never seems to want just normal sex.

I was heavily abused in my previous relationship of 10 years. I can’t do it, when he asks I freeze. I have explained this to him. I’m so very uncomfortable. He asked last night and I froze and got up and left. Then I got home and cried that I just can’t do what he wants me to. My previous partner caused me to have have 2 operations at the beginning of the relationship then just abused me.

I think I’m going to have to let him go as I’ll never be just a normal partner. I’m sad and it’s making me feel unwell.

OP posts:
BertramLacey · 26/04/2021 11:15

OP there are things that I won't do that many people would consider quite run of the mill, even vanilla. It's not because of abuse. I just don't want to and that's reason enough. My OH respects this. Neither of us would ask the other to do something they knew they were not comfortable with. It's healthy to have boundaries. It's unhealthy to pester, or indeed coerce, someone to break those boundaries.

BillyTodd · 26/04/2021 11:26

Men who are not abusive don't repeatedly ask for a sex act that you have told them you don't want to do, for any reason at all.

When did the bar get so low that women consider men who are not abusive to be some sort of luxury?! I suspect it strongly coincides with the rise of porn becoming mainstream. And porn isn't just filmed consensual sex - BDSM, rape and incest fantasies have become mainstream. a huge % of porn is the filmed rape of trafficked and underage women. Imagine the type of man who wants to watch that shudders.

At 31 he is not young and naïve. He is pornsick and would rather put a treat for his willy above a basic human level of respect for his girlfriend.

It's SO not you. It's him.

Notaroadrunner · 26/04/2021 11:28

@Fightingback16

Yes he is 7 years younger and I’m 38 and he is very inexperienced with women I think. I do realise that I have a little more baggage then normal, not that any of it was my fault.

I wish I was normal though, whatever normal is. He is a very sweet guy in many other ways. My past is very hard to understand even to my friends.

You are normal. How many women actually enjoy giving a bj, regardless of previous abuse? You are not compatible with this guy. He is being an asshole expecting you to do what he wants when you have told him you don't want to. Dump him.
SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/04/2021 11:29

Get rid of him.

He doesn't respect or care for you if he repeatedly asks for something he knows distresses you.

You are worth better than him.

DarlingWithoutYou · 26/04/2021 11:31

@Fightingback16

I don’t not like sex, in fact I’ve been enjoying it. Then he wants this, and he asks every single time.
I can't stand a sex pest. Tell him clearly one last time that it's never going to happen and if he asks again you're going to leave him.
DarlingWithoutYou · 26/04/2021 11:31

And I'm sorry for your past experiences OP, well done for being brave enough to move on.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/04/2021 11:31

TBH - I don't think this is about BJ - I think this is about power,

He wants to be in control and doesn't like that you refuse him anything.

If you were happy with a BJ, he would demand anal, or choking, or whatever - it's power thing, not sex.

MizMoonshine · 26/04/2021 11:43

I used to give blowjobs left right and centre. One day I decided that it wasn't for me anymore. The thought of it gave me the ick.
My DP doesn't press it. He doesn't get his willy washed around my mouth. He's not a dick about it.

MizMoonshine · 26/04/2021 11:43

And that's normal now. Your BF isn't being fair to you.

SunshineCake · 26/04/2021 12:16

@Fightingback16

I will probably never be sexually compatible with anyone again thanks to me ex. Sad
You will. By friend's dh doesn't like the idea of oral sex and so doesn't want it. Not all men are the same. There is someone out there for you.
Confusedandshaken · 26/04/2021 12:32

After 6 months he is repeatedly pestering you for a blow job even though he knows you don't want to. He is driving you to tears over it.

I hate blow jobs too. I've tried twice with DH in the early stages of our marriage. Didn't work for me and that was the end of it. He hasn't pestered me for them in the last 36 years.

This is your 'honeymoon' period. This is as good as it is ever going to be. At best this man is selfish and insensitive, at worst he's a sex pest. Ditch him now.

tabulahrasa · 26/04/2021 12:47

It’s worse than just wanting you to do it even though you don’t want to though....

I mean, not wanting to do it should be enough reason.

But he’s wanting you to do something that actually upsets you, and he knows that... and isn’t turned off by the thought of you being upset.

That’s not right.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 26/04/2021 16:09

Oh well I have done what I really didn’t want to do and have told him and explained my reasons why at the moment I don’t want to do it. Now I just feel incredibly vulnerable, I hate talking about some of the things that have happened to me. Makes me feel like such a victim.

I think that perhaps in my way of not wanting to be good enough I wasn’t clear enough. He replied that he was sorry he pushed and that he didn’t realise what happened. But now I feel like such a victim and he will look at me and know what’s happened to me (well some of it)

Thing is I try and hide it like a dirty secret but it does at times effect my life.

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 26/04/2021 16:25

It absolutely isn’t shameful in any way.

Flowers
2bazookas · 26/04/2021 17:17

Put your past abuse aside. It has nothing to do with your perfect right to refuse a sex act ( or anything else) that he wants, that you just don't like or want to do. The reason you don't want to is irrelevant. Nobody has to provide any explanations or excuses not to do ANY sex act they don't want.

Well done for saying no and leaving; you're much stronger than you think!

Just tell him " We're done. There is no future for us ".

Atalune · 26/04/2021 17:19

I think you should be able to say-

I don’t like doing that. I won’t do it for you, not now not ever. I’m sorry that I can’t fulfil that for you. I understand if that’s a game changer for you and our relationship. It’s a firm no from me. So up to you on how we proceed.

If pressed and if I trusted the person I would then say-

I suffered sexual abuse in the past and some sex things are just impossible for me now. I like you a lot and I hope I can trust you to accept and understand that.

If he pressed any more then I would tell him to fuck off. My story is mine alone and would be divulged if and when I felt ready.

FictionalCharacter · 26/04/2021 17:29

I wish I was normal though
You ARE normal! Not wanting something that someone else wants is perfectly normal! Don’t let an idiot like this kill your self-esteem.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 26/04/2021 17:39

It’s difficult navigating the world post abuse. A few of my friends have said I’m prude and just to put it in my mouth and get over it...if it was that simple I would. I would like to do it, it’s not him or the action I don’t like, but I simple cannot, I freeze.

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/04/2021 17:58

A few of my friends have said I’m prude

Do they know about the abuse? Shock

They shouldn't say you're prude. Even without the abuse, it's your choice. You shouldn't force yourself to do anything you don't want.

Opentooffers · 26/04/2021 17:58

He knows now, it's good he apologized for not realising. The ball is in his court now, he's aware of you're feelings around it, and the reasons why, so it's up to him to decide if 1 sex act missing is worth more than everything else that a relationship entails.
Hopefully, he will stop asking, and if he decides he can't live without it, then he wasn't good enough for you anyway.

FinallyHere · 26/04/2021 18:03

I think I’m going to have to let him go as I’ll never be just a normal partner. I’m sad and it’s making me feel unwell.

It's nit you, it's him.

Absolutely, definitely.

The first think you need in a partner is that he would never, ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable. The fact that he 'asks' again makes him a really bad, horrible partner.

Get rid. Find someone decent. You will be very pleasantly surprised by home much better life it.

I get that it's very difficult after abuse, you have gone to the right place for support. Meanwhile, heave him overboard and enjoy the rest of your life.

I think porn has a lot to answer for. I feel like a performing monkey

Anyone would. I agree porn is terrible but not everyone watches it , honestly. Look out for someone decent who knows what love snd intimacy is all about. Good luck

I0NA · 26/04/2021 18:05

@Fightingback16

It’s difficult navigating the world post abuse. A few of my friends have said I’m prude and just to put it in my mouth and get over it...if it was that simple I would. I would like to do it, it’s not him or the action I don’t like, but I simple cannot, I freeze.
These people are not your friends, don’t tell them anything personal again.

We are all strangers here and every single poster has said it’s fine and completely normal to have views about what you like / don't like / will do / won’t do in bed.

Opentooffers · 26/04/2021 18:07

It's still early days at 6 months. Maybe when you are with someone long-term, who you feel totally secure with, you might feel differently. Even then its fine not to want to do things and he should respect it, otherwise he's not worthy.

gottakeeponmovin · 26/04/2021 18:10

He is not a normal partner. A normal partner would understand why you wouldn't want to do it. Kick him to the curb and find yourself a nice understanding bloke

Atalantea · 26/04/2021 18:11

@Fightingback16

It’s difficult navigating the world post abuse. A few of my friends have said I’m prude and just to put it in my mouth and get over it...if it was that simple I would. I would like to do it, it’s not him or the action I don’t like, but I simple cannot, I freeze.
They're not your friends.

I dont give head as I hate it, anyone telling me to just put it in my mouth would be told to fuck off