Boyfriend asking for sex act and I can’t do it.

[Fightingback16]

Im really torn and upset about this. My boyfriend friend of 6 months now keeps wanting a bj. I get it it feels nice. He never seems to want just normal sex.

I was heavily abused in my previous relationship of 10 years. I can’t do it, when he asks I freeze. I have explained this to him. I’m so very uncomfortable. He asked last night and I froze and got up and left. Then I got home and cried that I just can’t do what he wants me to. My previous partner caused me to have have 2 operations at the beginning of the relationship then just abused me.

I think I’m going to have to let him go as I’ll never be just a normal partner. I’m sad and it’s making me feel unwell.

He’s being completely insensitive and stupid.

Tell him to do one

Sorry for the abuse you suffered.

I'm really sorry to hear this, OP, and agree with all the posters who have said that he's abusive too. None of this is your "fault" - you're perfectly entitled to say you don't want to do something sexually.
I wouldn't waste any more time with this immature AH.

I will probably never be sexually compatible with anyone again thanks to me ex.

I think porn has a lot to answer for. I feel like a performing monkey. I know he watches porn but they aren’t really people with real experiences.

You will be sexually compatable with someone nice. This is an advantage.

OP, I have friends who haven’t even been through your trauma and refuse to give BJs because they simply don’t like to.

I only give my husband a BJ when he’s freshly showered which means he gets BJs rarely (not because he doesn’t shower often!). I also haven’t been through your trauma.

It is completely normal and acceptable to not want to give your partner a BJ, and a respectful guy will accept that.

He is the issue, not you!

He sounds rubbish and being with him is making your life harder. It doesn't need to be like this and you don't have to please him.
Ditch the tosser.

You are not too complicated. He is too selfish and immature.

You need to stop thinking that you are the problem. You’re not.

He is not respecting you, your boundaries or your past.

There are decent men out there, he is not one of them

Fightingback16, you don't sound complicated. Flat no to BJs sounds very simple actually. You aren't complicated, or "have baggage". You were injured, and you are healing. Your partner needs to respect that and support you, NOT flipping trigger you because he thinks his dick is that important!

FWIW, there is a common sex act that I dislike for similar reasons. My DP has been told this once, and it has been off the cards ever since. He has never asked for it, never tried to hint about it, never made jokes about it, or otherwise raised it in conversation. No means no.

It’s good that you have boundaries and you’re sticking to them, someone who keeps pushing when they’ve been told no does not respect you, I’d get rid of him and I’d let him know why. There are nice men out there who do respect boundaries and aren’t obsessed with sex, the sooner you start looking for one the sooner you’ll find one.

I wonder if it’s any worth me really spelling it out to him. Or really it is my problem to deal with.

I don’t not like sex, in fact I’ve been enjoying it. Then he wants this, and he asks every single time.

If you react

He doesn't respect your boundaries and has no concept of what you are dealing with.

I can appreciate his frustration but that does not excuse his behaviour. If he really cared about you then he would listen and then stfu about BJs.

He's not a keeper. He is the one with with problem here, not you

Sorry posted to soon:

If you react this way every time and he's done it more than twice then there's something wrong with him emotionally. That's the minimum level of empathy you should expect of someone.

Lots of people of both sexes do not like performing oral sex, and do not do it during sex. It's up to their partner's whether to accept that of end the relationship because it's unacceptable to them (though you have to wonder about someone who's make that such a high priority in an otherwise presumably good relationship, that's their choice).

You've said you don't enjoy it and don't want to do that particular sex act, he should accept that. He shouldn't keep asking .. he's badgering, harassing etc you. If he can't accept it, and refuses to stop badgering about it, he should not end the relationship .. but with the way many people bare, he probably won't and you'll be put in the position of having to.

It's not about age, he's not young-young.

And yes, porn has made so many men sick. It's not real sex, it's not real life .. but somehow they convince themselves it is. Time for a wake up call.

*he should end the relationship.

If you liked penetrating his ass with your finger during sex, for example (some men are into it, maybe previous partners enjoyed that) but he didn't like it and didn't want it .. and you kept asking to do it, every time you had sex more or less .... He'd understandably winder wtf was wrong with your listening, your understanding, your respect, your general personality etc. He would naturally be turned off, increasingly irritated and likely rethinking the relationship.

This is just the same.

(Although arguably a BJ is more extensive, intimate, can risk gagging etc than fingering).

What do you mean you’ll never be a normal partner. The issue is him, not you. It should have taken one occasion of you saying no to stop him asking again. The fact that he keeps going on about it shows how little regard he has for you, your feelings and what you’ve been through.

You deserve so much better than this man. I would end the relationship because he’s inconsiderate and totally lacking in empathy.

Firstly i am sorry to hear this is going on. To be asked every single time must make you feel like hie isn't listening to you or is disregarding the impact of your previous experience. You need to make your own conclusions about what and who you feel comfortable with.

secondly I want to recommend a book called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It is brilliant and really explains why our bodies do the things our bodies do - like freeze. Best of all it also gives tips on what to do about it.

It's not you. It's him. He is not the right man for you. You have perfectly reasonable boundaries and likes. He can't respect them then time to move on.

Yes you could try and educate him, mature him and get him to a place of acceptance BUT why bother. Most people without any kind of maturity will know no means no and leave it alone. It's basic human goodness and decency.

You are wonderful and deserve more. Go and get more.

@Fightingback16

I have done the freedom programme and had some counselling. I don’t think he is an abuser but he appears very immature and the world I come from is very different to his.

He triggers the inadequacy that my ex husband constantly made me feel even if not intentionally. No amount of counselling will make me want to perform sex acts that I just can’t. I will always have the memories I have which I hate.

I think I am perhaps a little too complicated for this guy who really is very inexperienced.

You need to end this relationship and STOP dating at all until you do even more work on your self-esteem because you are not 'too complicated' 'not normal' etc. Until the day comes when you realise that you are a valuable person who survived abuse, you won't have healthy relationships, and this one is not.

It’s not you, your baggage etc... it’s him.

You’ve explained why you dint want to do BJ. You’ve said NO numerous times and HE IS REFUSING TO LISTEN TO YOU.
He is nit taking NO as an answer, repeatedly asking, clearly hoping he will wear you down/you’ll say yes at some point.

This is not OK.
Nit for a bj, nit for anal, not for ANY sexual act you don’t want to do.

OP, I am appalled that this selfish oaf asks “every single time” for something you have already told him is deeply distressing and triggering for you.
What is your reaction to him? Because the only appropriate one is to immediately stop having sex with him, tell him you already said No and that you will now terminate the relationship - because you deserve better than to be pestered and bullied by an insensitive fuckwit who doesn’t give a shit about your trauma.
Please value yourself more highly. You do not have to tolerate this abusive behaviour. There are plenty of men who actually care about their partners’ feelings, and you deserve to be happy with one of those.