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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend asking for sex act and I can’t do it.

150 replies

Fightingback16 · 26/04/2021 07:03

Im really torn and upset about this. My boyfriend friend of 6 months now keeps wanting a bj. I get it it feels nice. He never seems to want just normal sex.

I was heavily abused in my previous relationship of 10 years. I can’t do it, when he asks I freeze. I have explained this to him. I’m so very uncomfortable. He asked last night and I froze and got up and left. Then I got home and cried that I just can’t do what he wants me to. My previous partner caused me to have have 2 operations at the beginning of the relationship then just abused me.

I think I’m going to have to let him go as I’ll never be just a normal partner. I’m sad and it’s making me feel unwell.

OP posts:

CovidSmart · 26/04/2021 09:30

I’d also like to remind you that there are many women who don’t do BJ and they haven’t been raped or abused.
They dint want to and it’s ok. There is nothing abnormal about refusing to do a bj or any other sexual act you dint want.

You are nit abnormal or have a huge baggage or not good enough at sex. You are YOU with your likes and dislikes, regardless of where they are coming from. And it’s ok

Shoxfordian · 26/04/2021 09:30

You’re not the problem here sweetie. It’s your hopefully ex boyfriend who isn’t listening to your boundaries and doesn’t care about your past, he is just selfish

Hexinthecity · 26/04/2021 09:32

Have you been really candid about it with him. Have you actually said ‘look xyz I’m unable to give you a bj because in my past abusive relationship my ex did xyz to me. I find it extremely traumatic to be continually asked and if you can’t respect my boundaries around this issue then I’ll have to reconsider whether we’re compatible’

I’m sorry you’ve experienced the abuse in your previous relationship

Anon778833 · 26/04/2021 09:32

If he was a decent person, he’d fully understand why you can’t do this. But instead he keeps badgering you.... get rid of him would be my advice.

MarshmallowAra · 26/04/2021 09:38

Have you been really candid about it with him. Have you actually said ‘look xyz I’m unable to give you a bj because in my past abusive relationship my ex did xyz to me.

The thing is, there are plenty of people who have not experienced abuse, who.jusg don't enjoy giving oral sex and who don't do it .... So not sure if this is the way to go about it.

I0NA · 26/04/2021 09:41

Op you’ve had great advice on this thread, especially from @Ansjovis and @osbertthesyrianhamster and I suspect you are finding it hard to take it in.

Please reread the thread carefully.

fakeplantsdontlookreal · 26/04/2021 09:41

OP, I know several people who don't do bj's because they just don't like it, and their DP's accept it because they love them and there is much more to a relationship than a bj.

This man is also being abusive to you, and is not the man for you. There is nothing wrong with you and you will find the right person for you somewhere, but it isn't this guy.

MarshmallowAra · 26/04/2021 09:42

Seems like it would just open up "it'll be different with me, you'll come around etc" arguments and pressure.

MarshmallowAra · 26/04/2021 09:43

(That was in reference to telling him you're too traumatised).

TheRebelle · 26/04/2021 09:45

@Fightingback16

I wonder if it’s any worth me really spelling it out to him. Or really it is my problem to deal with.

I think it’s worth spelling it out to him because it reinforces your boundaries to yourself and makes you feel more powerful. It’s not just your problem because there are lots of people who don’t want to give bjs so your not unusual in that respect.

YoniAndGuy · 26/04/2021 09:53

He is a very sweet guy in many other ways.

You mean he can put on an act when he wants to look like a decent guy and it doesn't cost him anything? - but then when he wants what he wants, he'll happily pressure and upset you and try and sexually coerce you?

No. Not a sweet guy AT ALL.

toolazytothinkofausername · 26/04/2021 09:53

"He is a very sweet guy in many other ways."

Asking over and over again for you to do something you are not comfortable with is not sweet!!!

Youdose · 26/04/2021 09:56

6 months? Get rid of him. Find someone better. No-one should be making you do something you don't want to or trying to guilt you into it. You aren't sexually compatible.
Get. rid.

Ninkanink · 26/04/2021 09:56

You should make him go because he’s absolutely not a good, kind, considerate man.

You should only have had to have that conversation once.

Regularsizedrudy · 26/04/2021 09:56

You ARE normal! He is the abnormal one, asking someone to perform a sex act they have TOLD you they can’t do is not normal!! He is not a good man.

Tal45 · 26/04/2021 09:58

You are not the problem, he is and I agree with others that until you realise that and value yourself the way you deserve, it would be best for you to be single. Find your own happiness, realise that you are normal and that people are complicated and that is normal too. Respect yourself, respect your boundaries and don't let anyone else make you question them xxx

sunshinesupermum · 26/04/2021 09:59

You are quite normal in not wanting to give a BJ. You deserve so much better than this. Kick him into touch.

CrunchyCarrot · 26/04/2021 10:00

It's a deal-breaker, OP. You shouldn't feel pressurised to do something you are deeply uncomfortable with. End of.

Regularsizedrudy · 26/04/2021 10:00

@MarshmallowAra

Have you been really candid about it with him. Have you actually said ‘look xyz I’m unable to give you a bj because in my past abusive relationship my ex did xyz to me.

The thing is, there are plenty of people who have not experienced abuse, who.jusg don't enjoy giving oral sex and who don't do it .... So not sure if this is the way to go about it.

This. You shouldn’t have to disclose such private information to justify why you don’t want to do a sex act. A decent man will accept “no” without needing this information.

Rae34 · 26/04/2021 10:00

Sorry about the trauma you have been through. I had am ex who didn't want BJs at all due to previous abuse. I never mentioned it again or tried to coax him. However I was disappointed as I genuinely enjoy the act a lot with someone I love - but what could I do.

I think you will have to chalk it up to both incompatibility and insensitivity on his part. I hope this doesn't sound awful but I would personally struggle if a man told me we could never do a particular sex act again as it is the best way for me to orgasm.

With men it tends to be different, however! I would break up with him for the sexual pressure alone. I have been through that and it is horrible.

Askingforfriend · 26/04/2021 10:02

"Dear BF, I'm never going to want to do that and you know that so not only does asking me mean I'm less likely to want ANY sex with you, it also tells me that your desire to have a BJ is greater than your desire to respect me. You need to decide if that is a deal breaker for you, because I am not going to change my mind and I'm done with you continuing to ask."

Bufferingkisses · 26/04/2021 10:04

Oh my lovely this is absolutely one of those times when it really really isn't you!

There is a thread on here about oral sex. Hundreds of posts and an awful lot of them saying they don't like it/don't do it. Not liking oral sex is NOT outside of normal.

Add to that the fact that you have (and have explained) a traumatic response to it. He is not a sweet and lovely guy. He really isn't. I can only assume that he asks every time because he hopes you'll eventually give in and "just do it" whatever the personal cost is to you. There is nothing sweet or lovely about that. It is coercion - at best.

Please look after yourself. This man is not the right man for you. A sweet and lovely man would take your explanation and file it under "do not ask for this or indicate wanting it in any way - ever". Find yourself one of those men

LittleTiger007 · 26/04/2021 10:06

Talk openly to him. If he loves you/is a good man then he will understand, if he doesn’t understand then... hard as it is, he is not a good man and you are best to move on. Don’t leave without giving him a chance to understand though.

WinterStrawbsAreLikeTurnip · 26/04/2021 10:06

He's not a fucking sweet guy.

You've told him you can't give BJ because of sexual trauma. He keeps asking "coz it feelz naice" ... so his cock is more important than you. Even asking for it shows massive disrespect and a lack of empathy at best!

LittleTiger007 · 26/04/2021 10:07

@Bufferingkisses

Oh my lovely this is absolutely one of those times when it really really isn't you!

There is a thread on here about oral sex. Hundreds of posts and an awful lot of them saying they don't like it/don't do it. Not liking oral sex is NOT outside of normal.

Yes. This. 100%

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