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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating Thread 203- Love is in the air!

986 replies

Heartbeats0708 · 26/04/2021 06:40

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
VanGoghsDog · 07/05/2021 20:14

Re how often you hear from people - I'd be askance if someone thought not replying for five hours was 'missing in action'. Yesterday I drove an hour to see a friend, MrD texted just after I set off, I got there, we had a walk for an hour, then lunch for two hours, then my stepson came and had tea for another hour, then I drove an hour back.......then I replied!

Yesterday lunchtime wasn't long ago either.

countesskay · 07/05/2021 20:15

@namechanged9999 personally I don't think so, but I'd think about how you word things or he might brand you as 'needy'

I think you gotta do whatever makes you feel best to get honest

Shayelle2009 · 07/05/2021 20:18

Ok thanks.. think im over invested already 🙈 garrgh 😕

VanGoghsDog · 07/05/2021 20:19

If you have needs, and you want them met and don't want to compromise on them, then you have to communicate them. So, tell him "I'd quite like a quick text when I text you even if you can't do a full reply".

If he's not down with that (I wouldn't be) then he can decide to tell you he can't agree to that and as you have decided this is your baseline then you're not compatible.

DudeFromThatLondon · 07/05/2021 20:20

@namechanged9999 - what was your last message to him?

@HairyArsedMan - Have you commented on the triptych match? Same photos / description on each?

@Eesha - Flowers

Shayelle2009 · 07/05/2021 20:27

Sorry to hear about your bad experience @Eesha surely that is illegal?!?

Shayelle2009 · 07/05/2021 20:32

@VanGoghsDog I think you've been really tolerant of NK.. he pretends not to get it, just so he can keep pushing your boundaries. Do you think he will be a problem if you put and end to it completely? How long have you known him?

namechanged9999 · 07/05/2021 20:40

@DudeFromThatLondon "how is your day going".

Am I acting crazy?

namechanged9999 · 07/05/2021 20:48

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards why do you say that? Like I'm a bit confused. 2 weeks ago he texted me he really likes me. Then he told me in person he wants to give us a go properly. We've been meeting. Last night he went MIA for 3 hours then texted to say he got drunk with colleagues and that he's sorry he didn't reply and the pillow smelled like me and he was inhaling it and going to bed. Don't know what his deal is today. I think we need to have a chat but don't want to sound needy or insane

Shayelle2009 · 07/05/2021 20:51

It sounds like he likes you a lot @namechanged9999

VanGoghsDog · 07/05/2021 20:55

[quote Shayelle2009]@VanGoghsDog I think you've been really tolerant of NK.. he pretends not to get it, just so he can keep pushing your boundaries. Do you think he will be a problem if you put and end to it completely? How long have you known him?[/quote]
I think he might be a bit of a problem, yes.

He's the king of passive-aggressive messages, slightly sarky, blamey etc, if I've not been in contact for a while.

Before we met he had 'researched' me so had found my address - he found my FB profile by finding me on the village FB page, then looked me up on LinkedIn having got my full name, he then found my business name and looked on the companies house website and got my address. He lives about three miles away and knows lots of local people. This week he has harangued the postman about mowing my lawn (his postman is my gardener).

He did tell me some slightly distasteful things he did when his ex of 14 years ended things with him, he seems very bitter about that.
I met him via POF in July I think. Maybe August.
But I'm going to have to face up to it somehow.

VanGoghsDog · 07/05/2021 20:59

Texting 'how is your day going?' is fine, but really, you need to give people a bit of space. I'd hate someone to be upset I'd not responded within a few hours but it wouldn't mean I'd start responding more quickly.

It's a bit intense. BUT, if you feel it means he is backing off, you know him best. Some people just know what to say to sound well into you, but they aren't really. It's hard to know!

Shayelle2009 · 07/05/2021 21:03

I dont envy you @VanGoghsDog he sounds really petulant and intense. Can you grey rock him away?

Misty9 · 07/05/2021 21:08

@HairyArsedMan (still love your nn!) Grin at your name for ms multiple ages.

@namechanged9999 I've been where you are. Step away from the phone... Honestly, what will be will be but this way madness lies Flowers

As for Mr fake... I'm actually going to give him a 2nd chance. It took guts to fess up rather than just block me, and I enjoyed chatting to him, not a photo. And it was mostly him... We'll see. He is shorter than me though Shock

VanGoghsDog · 07/05/2021 21:12

@Shayelle2009

I dont envy you *@VanGoghsDog* he sounds really petulant and intense. Can you grey rock him away?
That's all I can do for now I think. I'll leave it to him to ask what's wrong etc and see where I can take it then.

Meanwhile an old fling/workmate sent me this on LinkedIn:

Him: Wishing you a very Happy birthday [name] xxx🎂🎉🍷
Me: Oh! Thank you, how on earth do you remember that?? How are you?
Him: Always remember your birthday [name] weird I know. [some other stuff] I'm well hope you are too. Always have very fond memories of you and the days in [place].

Hmm
SpringlikeBunk · 07/05/2021 21:19

@VanGoghsDog

I agree with @Shayelle2009 - he’s ignoring normal social boundaries?

I know I’ve kept/maintained slightly creepy Male “friends” in the past (knowing they wanted something more and didn’t have my best interests at heart) just as they were reliable for socialising with?

I sometimes felt as a single woman no-one really put me first or prioritised me.

I mean I’d try to live well and go to social stuff

but just getting a reliable mate to go for a coffee or a walk can be hard! I’d ask around and the only people up for it would be weird old men.

So all these slightly creepy men would trade off “offering friendship” for creeping over me and harassing me?

I’d be clear I wasn’t interested/was dating others and they’d just ignore that because in their fantasy world I was “available to them” or a “pseudo-girlfriend”

But it’s not worth it ultimately.

They were lonely fantasists to the extent they were building me up in their heads as “someone they were in a casual/poly relationship with” based on me just “being nice or polite”!

Plus they were really hard to get rid off and tried to sabotage me moving on and meeting normal decent men!

VanGoghsDog · 07/05/2021 21:25

@SpringlikeBunk

That is exactly how it is! I mean, he offered to come to my hospital appointment, which he can't anyway due to Covid, then looked pained/pleading when I said no.

And yes, I had an eighty year old doing similar a few years ago which culminated in him assaulting me. I went totally NC with him, despite pleading texts, emails and even a letter (claiming a change of meds had caused his behaviour).

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 07/05/2021 21:28

[quote namechanged9999]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards why do you say that? Like I'm a bit confused. 2 weeks ago he texted me he really likes me. Then he told me in person he wants to give us a go properly. We've been meeting. Last night he went MIA for 3 hours then texted to say he got drunk with colleagues and that he's sorry he didn't reply and the pillow smelled like me and he was inhaling it and going to bed. Don't know what his deal is today. I think we need to have a chat but don't want to sound needy or insane [/quote]
@namechanged9999 it sounds to me like he is messing you about. He says he really likes you and wants to give it a go, and then he disappears for hours, leaving you really worried by the sounds of it?

This doesn't sound like he's being fair to you, and as you said in your earlier post, you've got a child to think of as well.

I don't want to upset you, namechaged. But I'm just going by what you've said. I realise I probably sounded a little harsh on my last post to you, and I apologise for that Thanks

I think you both need to have a serious chat about what you expect from him ❤️

SpringlikeBunk · 07/05/2021 21:32

It is tough @VanGoghsDog - I think part of the issue was I didn’t have a supportive family (quite the opposite)

so I was after meeting people who were very reliable/helpful/available and would take on that replacement role in my life as an adult?

But of course that just draws predators and creeps

realistically anyone who is available all the time to “do me favours” for someone they don’t know, probably doesn’t have my best interests at heart.

I’ve got some social equilibrium now and just try to “accept being lonely sometimes” but it is definitely hard being out there socially as a single woman sometimes!

Shayelle2009 · 07/05/2021 21:35

@VanGoghsDog if it was me and he asked what’s wrong and you had to stay polite I’d just keep being breezy/dismissive and busy for literally the rest of our lives, and hope he’d eventually fade away. He sounds like such a creep ☹️

Onesmallstep67 · 07/05/2021 21:35

Do you like Mr NK as a person @VanGoghsDog ? Was it his suggestion to go for the pre birthday meal ? It may not be to everyone’s taste but he has shelled out money on a gift. Sometimes people get a bit grumpy or blamey when they are not getting the response they want. He may see your agreeing to spending time with him as you are interested. Are your actions matching your true feelings towards him ?

Shayelle2009 · 07/05/2021 21:54

Wish it was possible to stop checking your phone when you're hoping for a message from someone! Garrrgh I’d forgotten about this kind of torture!

VanGoghsDog · 07/05/2021 21:59

I think part of the issue was I didn’t have a supportive family (quite the opposite)

Exactly the same.

I'm always really suspicious of men offering help.

I’d just keep being breezy/dismissive and busy for literally the rest of our lives,

Yes, I'll do that I expect.

Was it his suggestion to go for the pre birthday meal ?

Yes. I was determined not to go on my actual birthday but he just kept suggesting different days. I've never told him when my birthday is and it's not on FB so it's another thing he has stalked - he'd have had to scroll back to last May when there is a message on by page about my birthday (not by me).

It may not be to everyone’s taste but he has shelled out money on a gift

But why has he? Also, he clearly doesn't know me at all. He may feel he owes me as I did give him a nice Christmas present.

Sometimes people get a bit grumpy or blamey when they are not getting the response they want.

Yeah, but it's not my job to give him "the response he wants". It's designed to make me feel bad.

He may see your agreeing to spending time with him as you are interested

Yes, I expect he does see it that way as that's what he wants to see. But it's not an adult response is it? I told him just friends, it's not my fault if he can't cope with that.

Are your actions matching your true feelings towards him ?

Well, I have no feelings towards him. I mainly don't contact him. We used to go for walks locally but as he's got more intense and incapable of stopping going on about wanting to kiss me I have pulled away a lot. He made a fuss about seeing me this week.

Do you like Mr NK as a person

Sometimes. Not when he's telling me I'm sexy, or when he's saying he wants to kiss or hug me, that's just creepy. Not when he's telling me how to speak or what to do. But we have similar values in some ways.

SpringlikeBunk · 07/05/2021 22:00

LOL @Shayelle2009 I'm definitely on the "sitting on hands waiting for a message" bench with you and @Heartbeats0708

I hope MrPM gets in touch quickly - I know he's been working solidly and think I've given him the right signals

But I hope he doesn't faff around for a week and then get in touch! His course finished tomorrow so if the connection is there on his part, I want a bit of keen-ness.

I think I might re-tinder if he doesn't get in touch over the next week.

VanGoghsDog · 07/05/2021 22:00

@Shayelle2009

Wish it was possible to stop checking your phone when you're hoping for a message from someone! Garrrgh I’d forgotten about this kind of torture!
Horrible, isn't it?

I sometimes mute people I'm hoping for a message from, on the basis I can then relax knowing there won't be one.