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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 203- Love is in the air!

986 replies

Heartbeats0708 · 26/04/2021 06:40

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
Misty9 · 04/05/2021 22:46

@SpringlikeBunk 5-10 messages?! That's more my style! I think Mr engineer is slightly lacking in the dynamism aspect...which is the opposite of what I want so I should probably pay attention to that. I've pushed to say what are you hoping for from our chat - he said, a date hopefully. Now just to see if he actually asks Confused Grin

Good advice on casual @Marlboroandmalbec34 and I remember you from last time you were on these as you always gave such wise counsel. I had forgotten how time consuming OLD can be though!

WeWantTheFinestWines · 04/05/2021 23:56

Wow - you turn your back for one minute and so much has happened here. Some lovely loved-up situations, which give us all hope. Commitment without cohabitation sounds perfect. The excitement and anticipation without the dirty socks and skid marks in the toilet.

I've been so caught up in work, socialising with friends (yay!) and trying to sort out my living situation that dating has taken a back seat. I need to refresh my profile and go on other sites (I'm just on Tinder) and if/when I sort out the living arrangements I'll be child- and ex-free every other week; perfect for dating! And terrarium building!

Great to hear there are a few fellow 50s people on here. I turn 55 later this month and apparently don't look it, although you should never trust your friends in these matters.

namechanged9999 · 05/05/2021 00:18

Sorry guys I posted on here before about the guy I met a month ago on OLD.

So it's been a month as I said and I'm too afraid to have a "how is this going" chat. He said he really likes me and wants to be exclusive. But he and I have a lot going on in our lives and I feel like sometimes he talks to me like I'm his mate. We have DTD and spoken about getting tested for STIs so we can stop using condoms and use another form of contraception. So far I've gotten tested and he hasn't. Not sure if he's forgotten bc he currently trying to change jobs or he doesn't want to. I'm pretty sure he isn't seeing anyone else as we meet 2x a week for overnights and he is always texting me.

Given we had the exclusive chat 2 weeks ago do I need to bring up the how do you think it's going thing? Should I ask him if he wants a relationship? Bc exclusive doesn't mean it can't be casual right? Just a bit confused... I don't want to force him into anything. Like a situationship.

UtterSocks · 05/05/2021 07:30

Hi @Marlboroandmalbec34 - I remember you! Lovely to see you again.

I decided I wanted casual with someone I half wanted (MrG) but who appeared to adore me, but he won me round and now I want him but his ex/kids situation is in the way. Is there a category for that? 😳

Honestly the only man in my life who has been consistent for 3 years is my Personal Trainer!

averywittyusername · 05/05/2021 08:14

Great advice Marlboro re: casual! It's also good to put a 'use by' date on the whole issue, and don't make it a long term effort. UtterSocks, well done with the PT!

The problem I've had is that once I get invested in someone I tend to like them even more. I can't do casual, I've wondered if it's somewhat down to biological programming?

I'm currently doing something like commitment without cohabitation and it's sort of great, but it doesn't feel permanent enough. Ridiculous, as I was so happy being single in my own space before we met. But I think the reason I did OLD in the first place was to find a partner, not just a part time boyfriend and I'm feeling that commitment without cohabitation is just that. I think I need to change my attitude, rather than the situation, and look on the bright side Smile I do need my own space.. and we are committed.. but I feel something's missing.

Wishing I could get up the courage to discuss it with him.

BelladiMamma · 05/05/2021 10:56

@namechanged9999

Sorry guys I posted on here before about the guy I met a month ago on OLD.

So it's been a month as I said and I'm too afraid to have a "how is this going" chat. He said he really likes me and wants to be exclusive. But he and I have a lot going on in our lives and I feel like sometimes he talks to me like I'm his mate. We have DTD and spoken about getting tested for STIs so we can stop using condoms and use another form of contraception. So far I've gotten tested and he hasn't. Not sure if he's forgotten bc he currently trying to change jobs or he doesn't want to. I'm pretty sure he isn't seeing anyone else as we meet 2x a week for overnights and he is always texting me.

Given we had the exclusive chat 2 weeks ago do I need to bring up the how do you think it's going thing? Should I ask him if he wants a relationship? Bc exclusive doesn't mean it can't be casual right? Just a bit confused... I don't want to force him into anything. Like a situationship.

Someone with better advice will probably come along soon but sad to say you've just got to have the chat again & define things a bit more clearly for you. It may be that you're on the same page but until you talk about it you won't know Daffodil
bangheadhere40 · 05/05/2021 11:21

I finally have an iron - a new one, let's call him Mr Three. Brief chat and he's asked to meet Sunday, 2 hours away as normal but seems happy to come to me 😆

UtterSocks · 05/05/2021 11:52

Ooh good luck @bangheadhere40. What’s he like?

@BelladiMamma I have decided I’m never having a serious conversation with a man about my feelings and expectations again. I am just going to stalk their Facebook feeds and those of their exes until one of us dies. Don’t be like me, folks #BeLessSocks

BelladiMamma · 05/05/2021 11:53

@UtterSocks

Ooh good luck *@bangheadhere40*. What’s he like?

@BelladiMamma I have decided I’m never having a serious conversation with a man about my feelings and expectations again. I am just going to stalk their Facebook feeds and those of their exes until one of us dies. Don’t be like me, folks #BeLessSocks

Well even if we can't put that in a book of dating wisdom it's funny as f@ck 😆
SpringlikeBunk · 05/05/2021 11:59

Hahahaha @UtterSocks

Exactly my style - why bother communicating and doing all that timewasting shit when I can analyse them via their social media like an FBI profiler?

Dating Thread 203- Love is in the air!
BelladiMamma · 05/05/2021 12:00

@SpringlikeBunk

Hahahaha *@UtterSocks*

Exactly my style - why bother communicating and doing all that timewasting shit when I can analyse them via their social media like an FBI profiler?

Totally Cagney and Lacey🕵🏽‍♀️

SpringlikeBunk · 05/05/2021 12:05

@BelladiMamma
Not sure what I’d do if I had a permanent boyfriend, I’d miss all the analysing of terrible irons!

I spend two hours dating and the rest.....

Dating Thread 203- Love is in the air!
BelladiMamma · 05/05/2021 12:13

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma
Not sure what I’d do if I had a permanent boyfriend, I’d miss all the analysing of terrible irons!

I spend two hours dating and the rest.....[/quote]
How do you add an image? I've now lost ten minutes of my life trying to upload a still from Cagney and Lacey 😂😂😂

SpringlikeBunk · 05/05/2021 12:18

@BelladiMamma

Have you got the same layout for posting? I get an attachment paperclip sign

Dating Thread 203- Love is in the air!
VanGoghsDog · 05/05/2021 12:23

I'm probably an outlier but I think a month is quite soon to expect commitment. For me, I'd have only seen them a maximum of six times in that month, probably less. And those of you with kids, even less.

So, if you've had the chat and it's gone well so far, I'd let some more time pass. Re the tests, he won't have forgotten, every time he puts a condom on he's reminded, but something is stopping him. Not interested in tedious admin, scared of what it involves, too lazy to make the appointment, no time to go to an appointment, etc. (Many places you can just order a test online to do at home, does he know this?).

But worst case is he thinks you will forget and he won't have to do it. Which is disrespectful, obviously.

So, in your shoes, I'd probably leave it another month. If things are going well just let that lay there as it is for a while. In the grand scheme of things, two months is nothing. But check how he gets on with those tests - my long term ex never did them, he just bluffed about it until I stopped asking. It was a red flag, I should have paid more attention.

BelladiMamma · 05/05/2021 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelladiMamma · 05/05/2021 12:26

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

Have you got the same layout for posting? I get an attachment paperclip sign[/quote]
Yay it worked 😂

SpringlikeBunk · 05/05/2021 12:28

@BelladiMamma

It worked but please be careful as there is a name/camera roll is showing up at the bottom - crop photos first maybe for privacy? Smile Shall I report that photo for you?

BelladiMamma · 05/05/2021 12:31

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

It worked but please be careful as there is a name/camera roll is showing up at the bottom - crop photos first maybe for privacy? Smile Shall I report that photo for you?[/quote]
It's from an insta post ....

BelladiMamma · 05/05/2021 12:32

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

It worked but please be careful as there is a name/camera roll is showing up at the bottom - crop photos first maybe for privacy? Smile Shall I report that photo for you?[/quote]
Oops but there is some stuff from my camera roll 😂 yes how do we get it removed? Oops 🙊

BelladiMamma · 05/05/2021 12:35

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

It worked but please be careful as there is a name/camera roll is showing up at the bottom - crop photos first maybe for privacy? Smile Shall I report that photo for you?[/quote]
Ok I think I've done it 🙄

SpringlikeBunk · 05/05/2021 12:51

@BelladiMamma

I sent an iron a cute photo once, but sadly included the camera roll of all the "crap minger selfies" I'd taken to get to to the cute photo..

Dear Reader, I did not marry him.....

Hmm
BelladiMamma · 05/05/2021 12:57

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

I sent an iron a cute photo once, but sadly included the camera roll of all the "crap minger selfies" I'd taken to get to to the cute photo..

Dear Reader, I did not marry him.....

Hmm[/quote]
This is the sort of realistic advice we all need 😂

  1. Stalk the iron on social media - way more fun than actually meeting them
  2. Set up a situation room with a trusted girlfriend in which you lovingly collate all text messages, conversations and general interactions. The more this looks like an outtake from Homeland or Cagney and Lacey or Line of Duty, the better
  3. Send some crap photos with the rubbish ones by mistake as a link to the Google photos folder where you store all the dick pics you're sent (in case you ever go ahead with that harassment charge), the deleted selfies and the screen grabs of your ex with his new bird
  4. Ensure that your outdoor meet for a walk doesn't include toilet facilities so you have to take a pee in the bushes half way round the national trust / park that you've identified
  5. In a moment of carelessness, let slip that you're looking for a (cock)lodger
  6. @SpringlikeBunk pray continue 😂😂😂🤣🤣
SpringlikeBunk · 05/05/2021 13:20
  1. At any one time, have at least one flaky fuck-up of an iron you can't take you. A sort of emotional "Achilles Heel".
  1. If your stalking reveals irons follow inappropriate girly bands, Katie Melua is (barely Hmm) acceptable, Korean girl-pop is not.
  1. Terrariums are good.
SpringlikeBunk · 05/05/2021 13:22
  1. "You can't take your mind off who stop you connecting with anyone decent."