Dating Thread 203- Love is in the air!

[Heartbeats0708]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Sounds like a future faker to me. I think I'd cut him loose.

You need someone who prioritises you at least now and then and doesn't treat you as an option.

@newnamenora a hard lesson I learnt is to spell things out.

Tell him, it's your birthday on Monday, that you want to plan your weekend. If he doesn't confirm by end Wednesday what he can do you will go ahead and make plans with your friends. Tell him your child free weekends are precious time and this planning ahead is important to you.

Armed with this information he can make a choice. If he continues to be useless and flaky - bin. If he say ok I understand and actually plans properly good.

VanGoghsDog and cravingthelook - you both speak perfect sense, I think I just needed to hear that I wasn't being too demanding or unreasonable. I'm going to send him a quick "so are you free on the weekend or wot?" type message

I've sent the message, not quite as curt as my example, but certainly not the long messages we usually send to each other. It's up to him now, I think he must realise I would be getting a bit peed off with his flakeyness by this point.

So date with mr a&e went well I think, he’s already messaged asking to see me again, although I’m not sure the ‘what are u doing tomorrow, or even tonight’ is something I’m keen on. A) too keen and b) I’m certainly not game for meeting in the evening for anything other than dinner out for the foreseeable, I’m nobody’s sex toy dammit 😂

@newnamenora it’s a clichè but you have to look at their actions, not listen to the words. If the actions aren't there (ie making the plans and sticking to them) all the sweet talk doesn't mean jack shit...

So I dont know if you all brought me luck... got a match on tinder (admittedly from last time I was on there but deleted it) he’s asked me out for a drink ☺️👍

Just a quick update - I've had an apologetic response from MrG with an explanation of what happened to him over the weekend (99% sure he's telling the truth as it would be a difficult thing to lie about), but doesn't really tell me why he didn't just text and say XYZ has happened and i'll get back to you when I can. Still being evasive as to whether he can meet up on the weekend, but that is understandable in the circumstances.

I'm going to make other plans to go into my hometown on the weekend and visit family, but if he wants to meet up for an hour I can meet up with him there in the town centre for a drink or a walk.

@Shayelle2009 - Woohoo! good luck with the match!

Yay, @Shayelle2009, that's good news. Is the chat going well ? Give it as long as you need to feel comfortable but once he is giving off all the right signals get the date sorted.
@newnamenora, hasn't Mr Posh been on the scene a while? has he responded to your message yet ? I was far from hard line when I was on the apps/dating but I think if someone I had already had a date with had clearly read a message and not responded I would feel pretty pissed off. It doesn't shriek interested or reliable.

Thank you all for your kind comments. I was a little shaken this morning when I read all the negativity on my Reddit post. I certainly have nothing against single fathers but you'd had thought I'd wanted to burn them at the stake - some of the hatred towards me.

I'm currently out in the dating field after 8 months. I did have a flutter with an iron, I'll call Mr Comic, but he hurt his back after our first date and he's not in the frame of mind for dating.
It's probably for the best as there were some minor flags with him unloading to me and stories about exs led him to be defensive, even when it sounded like things didn't pan out

I'm on the apps again, lots of guys in my area, but they rarely talk, I think everyone's a bit jaded to be fair.

I'm looking to casually date, although I dare not put casual in case it's seen as code for ONS.

X post @newnamenora. I'm glad he has responded and of course if something has come up then it's understandable that he was in the midst of that. As you say though it takes a moment to say that is what is happening.

Thank you @Onesmallstep67 and for your helping with my profile too. I now have 3 decent matches/chats going on bumble and 2 on tinder! And that’s just from today!

@newnamenora its good he's come back to you but I agree with @cravingthelook I think its good to be crystal clear about what you want - then it’s up to him to deliver if he cares. Hope he comes through for you on your special birthday!

@newnamenora

are you exclusive? I'd probably be inclined to stay in contact but also be open to meeting others if he's a bit flaky.

If he's quite attractive and charismatic but just giving you crumbs it can really throw things off kilter for you as you'll always be waiting on him.

In general I don't think when dating someone birthdays are "that" big a deal - especially early on?

I'd say a lot of guys aren't really into their own birthdays so I wouldn't pay too much attention to what they do and don't do for yours (even if they're quite generous/giving normally).

Agree with judging actions rather than words..though a bit of both can be sensible. Small(?) progress with Mr Polo in that we actually have a day that we're both free in the next month and are both up for meeting. He's not been the most reliable in the past so it's very much pencilled in my diary. I will reassess whether or not it's worth the angst after the date.
I think being lovebombed a bit may have knocked my judgement of what's normal out of kilter so I don't want to cut and run if this is more "standard".

Update for now

MsVG who benched me - I’ve finally had nearly 24 hours with nothing from her - first time in over 2 months.

MsGoldilocks - have a date with on Saturday. Sober walk at a stately home. I think she’s too wholesome for me but we’ve had a nice text chat

MsTennis - call on Thursday - lives along way away and might be too wholesome too

MsPercy - started messaging yesterday. Chat is good so far. A common interest (though, I’m not someone who looks for shared interests in that way)

Can I get people's thoughts on something? I've followed these threads for a few years and I know it's come up a few times, but what is the feeling about the initial messaging chat and asking questions? Is it generally that guys don't ask many questions spontaneously? What is the aim of that first chat in that case? Just trying to work out if my expectations are too high...

Had a meal at local pub (two mile walk each way) with MrNeckkisser. I asked him how his dating was going and he looked shocked that I would ask. I can't recall how the conversation quite went but at some point he mentioned again how I had dumped him, I said I didn't really dump him because we were never really together.
Anyway, it transpires., he thinks I stopped seeing him because I "didn't want to date during Covid", I said 'did I say that' and he said yes.

I've gone back through the messages and what I actually said was:

"Oh, right. Hmmm......I've had a think over the past week or so, and decided I'd prefer if we stayed just as friends. I really like having days out with you and hanging out, just don't think a full-on relationship works for me. We've been a bit rubbish at discussing this I guess."

I guess I wasn't clear that it was a relationship with him that didn't work for me. Argh. This explains why he is always saying "I'd love to kiss you right now" etc.

I think I'll just back off from him now. (he didn't pay for dinner, btw, asked me out [for my birthday] and didn't even offer to pay)

What is it with all these flaky men who can’t commit to a time and place for dates? I feel your frustration @newnamenora, even if there is a good explanation, come right out with it FFS!!! Glad you have taken matters into your own hands!

Am still PMSL at whoever assumed their old iron had “disappeared in a sea of twats” but also grudgingly admired his response! Has he been back in touch?

@countesskay shocked you encountered so much anger on Reddit! You are perfectly allowed to have preferences on who you date and their circumstances. I don’t want a man with younger children, though would casually date one but wouldn’t consider a blended family. Mind you I seem to attract men with baggage in the form of angry exes they can’t stand up to.

I have been a little “off” with Mr G for the last couple of days. His inability to face his own situation with his ex, his protestations about “not wanting to keep our relationship secret” while clearly doing so and his stonewalling when I try to mention it all make me think he is future faking me. Not in the cynical, callous way Mr Beard did but because he genuinely can’t face either losing me or letting his family know about me. I’m just so tired of it all and I regret finishing things with Mr Local. I’ve had another half hearted look around Facebook dating and got 70 likes in 24 hours. I just like to keep reminding myself there are other options out there. But increasingly I feel I can’t be bothered with any of it. I don’t have the headspace. Why oh why did I finish with the one man I had uncomplicated regular sex with who had no baggage and no agenda (and no interest beyond a Tuesday shag, and next to no conversation, but at least I never had to THINK about him or weigh up my feelings 🙄). It all seems such hard work.

Read @SortingItOut’s advice with interest but I’m afraid whatever I ask people now I assume they will lie anyway. I lie to people sometimes myself, ever since Mr Beard made me horribly defensive and untrusting (therefore untrustworthy). It all feels like a massive game sometimes. Or maybe I’m just really feeling flat tonight. This weather doesn’t help does it? So depressing. I can’t wait to have a holiday!

Am still PMSL at whoever assumed their old iron had “disappeared in a sea of twats” but also grudgingly admired his response! Has he been back in touch?

Yeah, we're meeting for a drink tomorrow, 'as friends'. :)

‘Prefer if we stay just as friends’ seems perfectly clear to me @VanGoghsDog.

@Misty9

I think the level and depth of chat is personal to what you’re comfortable with?

I’m probably on the low info side - I don’t really like WhatsApp chatting to build rapport?

Before we meet I’m just checking for red flags and for the basics and if they’re polite or not. Normally try to get to discussing the meet within 5-10 messages?

I think some people don’t like just asking questions as it can get a bit repetitive or feel like they’re asking for private info?

I try to date guys who are roughly the same social position as me - childless, work focussed, so not much to discuss about ex’s really!

My first meets tend to be quite low investment - live in the same city and walk there etc but if I was planning on travelling I’d probably be in touch more eg video call or phone call before meeting.

I’d say some people (myself included) are quite good at taking in/remembering bits of info without asking direct questions?

MrPM remembered I wore glasses in one of my profile photos.

I also think too much trying to suss our personal info (ie my living situation etc) before we meet is a red flag - we’re just aiming to see if we’re attracted to each other’s profiles enough for a drink or a coffee

so if someone wants to know if I can “host” it’s too much too soon!

@SpringlikeBunk where and how are you finding these childless and work focussed men? I want one! 😂

@UtterSocks

lol I genuinely do like

• geeky guys
• I don’t have a height thing munchkins are fine
• quite like military/long distance types
• slightly younger men think I’m hot

So that seems to be throwing up enough options for me overall.

But of course they might not be every other woman’s cup of tea?

I asked MrPM about his previous relationships and he said (and I believe him from what I know of his career path) he’d meet someone and then he was off again for work stuff.

Men my age who are tall and have static jobs are non-existent - either off the market or have partnered up and had a child already!

How old are you @SpringlikeBunk if you don’t mind me asking? I’m 53 but do get a lot of attention from younger men - but I don’t want one in their mid 30s with a MILF fixation!

Mr Local was 41 but he was already a grandad twice over (I know!). Though mercifully no issues or baggage. (Aaagh why didn’t I keep him???)

I’m 5ft but I do like tall men / gym guys which of course means I get a lot of vain tossers who think they are God’s gift.

I rarely get men with decent careers. I don’t care particularly as am financially independent so as long as they have a basic job, home and car I’m good (just wary of anyone wanting to move in on me after cocklodging useless ex) and actually, echoing what @Eesha said, the 2 or 3 very successful men I’ve met have been arrogant as hell. But that might be unique to my field (comms/marketing/advertising).

I’m so bad at picking men I am thinking of outsourcing the decision to my niece who has a wonderful relationship with a lovely man. I’ll just give her access to my photos and my email and password and let her get on with it for me and she can stave off the crap/weed out the wasters 🤣

Hi dating gang

Thanks for all the nice messages back.

Just to give you hope I was on this thread a lot in 2019 and am still in contact with 3 women I became friends with. They all met someone on OLD and are all moving in with them so it can happen!!!

I had a date booked yesterday but I cancelled. He’s great but it was sideways raining and freezing so I didn’t fancy sitting in a beer garden and I won’t do house dates as first dates.

I’m catching up on thread. I forget how quick it moves. I’ve been OLD for 3 years on and off and would like to advise any newbies...if you want casual pick someone you would never want a relationship with. Don’t accept casual from someone you want, even if you think you are OK with casual. It leads to heartbreak 😟