Dating Thread 203- Love is in the air!

[Heartbeats0708]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

We had a good conversation about the whole living apart together concept a few threads ago. It seems to be getting fairly more mainstream from what I could gather, especially among those of us "starting again" for want of a better phrase. I don't want to do the merging lives thing for a very long time, if at all, and I'm pretty upfront about that.
I've spoken to Mr O and said I'm aiming/leaning towards fwb and the dreaded yet accurate "no drama". Mr Polo still keen when he does message, it's just sparse, but my obsession is fading

Just back from MrSaws - lovely evening Netflix and a bit of necking.

Really celebrating having better emotional boundaries and how that’s improved my dating experience a lot?

We had a slightly serious chat about what we’re after and MrSaw confirmed yes he is overall a bit of a workaholic who likes to do his own thing (which was not 100% the impression he gave on first date verbally?)

So it feels nice that although we’re still dating, and hopefully next date lined up when I can visit , I didn’t rush into intimacy immediately and jettison MrPM - or I’d be feeling really out of sync right now?

Like if I’d just spent all my time at MrSaws having a shagfest (as I would have done a few years ago) I’d be feeling a bit low right now as he’s all geared up for work this weekend and I’d be feeling like the needy wannabe partner?

@SpringlikeBunk

Just back from MrSaws - lovely evening Netflix and a bit of necking.

Really celebrating having better emotional boundaries and how that’s improved my dating experience a lot?

We had a slightly serious chat about what we’re after and MrSaw confirmed yes he is overall a bit of a workaholic who likes to do his own thing (which was not 100% the impression he gave on first date verbally?)

So it feels nice that although we’re still dating, and hopefully next date lined up when I can visit , I didn’t rush into intimacy immediately and jettison MrPM - or I’d be feeling really out of sync right now?

Like if I’d just spent all my time at MrSaws having a shagfest (as I would have done a few years ago) I’d be feeling a bit low right now as he’s all geared up for work this weekend and I’d be feeling like the needy wannabe partner?

So pleased it went well, @Spring

It's interesting to see how many people here have an interest in salsa! I've been looking at classes, but I don't think anything will really be available until June at least when everything opens up.

@cravingthelook that must have been great to learn in Puerto Rico! I've been to Cuba a few times, and really regret not doing any classes there. Great news about your job offer too!

@SpringlikeBunk It's hard to describe, but it's more that I feel like I've got this fun person inside bursting to get out, and something inside is holding me back. I just feel like I want to get out there, explore new things and enjoy life, but I almost need permission from myself to let go.

As for my date today with Miss Yoga - that was a bit of a washout, along with the weather. However I had some really good news about a possible job this morning that has got me really excited, so it's been a good day overall!

@SpringlikeBunk great emotional boundaries indeed. It's always good when you realise you've actually thought something through rather than rushing in. And now you are reaping the rewards!

@Heartbeats0708 that whole not living together but being together really resonated with me at the time. An ideal set up if you have young children like me really. Its great you are being upfront though

Date later today! I am a bit worried about not being attracted but he seems perfectly fine with taking our chances with no pressure. He's very cool about things. That's really how i need to be. My ex is probably someone who would be considered very attractive and he has this simmering anger when out so im always worried he's going to pick a fight with a stranger even now for something so minor. It made me realise that good looks cannot be better than the peace of not walking on eggshells in life.

Bravo @SpringlikeBunk I want to say "well played" but I know it's not a game. I just mean you're handling this situation really well, being able to have fun without the emotional vulnerability that goes with it straight away.
@TheCatWithTheHat good news on the job front, fingers crossed it works out for you. I absolutely know where you're coming from with this:
I feel like I've got this fun person inside bursting to get out, and something inside is holding me back
I felt exactly like this but good therapy got me there, as well as my iron Mr O who kind of encouraged me without realising. That's not to say you need an iron, but mine kind of helped me make the progress. Hence why I think of him like @Onesmallstep67 Mr Cocky.
Yes @Eesha I think we have similar aged kids and it seems like a good situation doesn't it. Good luck for your date today!

I'm a little dubious my iron is who he says.. he hasn't sent me more pics after saying he will.

Oh well! Can't see this one going anywhere unless he gets his shit together really and does what he says.

I made the mistake of having a bit of a vent to my iron last night 🤦‍♀️ I did apologise, but what I said got this response (paraphrased)
'If I was abusive that'd be a green light for you' which is exactly what this groups warns when talking of over sharing 😫

@bangheadhere40, what time are you meeting Mr Muscle? Hope you have a great date zero. Did you ask for extra photos? I would just try to go with an open mind about him. I can't remember where the chat on here was going recently about meeting lots of people or focusing on one at a time. I always pursued more than one chat and had a flurry of dates in quick succession because I only ever managed a few weeks at a time on the apps. Then it'd be a process of natural filtration. I know that it's a groan inducing cliché but it was never the ones that I expected to click with that turned out to be the ones where something developed. Looks might appear important - but there are so many other things that make someone attractive.

onesmallstep it's not today, it is meant to be next Thursday. I've not heard from him much yesterday but know he's busy at work...

I just had my doubts as he only had 1 very dark photo on the app! I've sent some of me and he said he would send me some but hasn't. If he is a catfish and we meet it's going to be very embarrassing for him 😆

I think living separately to a partner would be the best of both worlds for me. And seeing them just once a week would work! My DD is only 10 so I wouldn’t want anyone moving in.

How many on here are in their fifties? I just feel so old and incapable of this OLD lark? I’ve only been on two dates , and both unsuccessful- and I’m world weary - I know I have to keep going but it’s soul destroying. Maybe I’m one of those who will never meet anyone ?

Should I put in my profile I want a relationship ? I want an exclusive relationship , but casual If you like but if I put casual that presumably means FWB and I don’t want sex, or just sex. But I don’t want asexual , I’m happy for sex within a relationship but only after a while - but so busy being a full time working single mum , no help from exP really just makes free time scarce. So I sort of want a part time full time relationship.
Maybe that’s just not workable with OLD - not really fair on anyone?
Alternatively I wait until DD is 18. And I’ll be 60 odd and try again then!
I do try and swipe on those men who have children just so they have childcare commitments too and understand my predicament.

@frankiefirstyear, has your iron been in your life for a while? I think it's sometimes extremely difficult to compartmentalise all the different aspects of your life. I have never had a problem with low level anecdotal stuff about their previous RS. If you have something troubling you with an ex that's still part of your life then I'd find that a real challenge not to let it impact things with current iron.

@GaraMedouar

I think living separately to a partner would be the best of both worlds for me. And seeing them just once a week would work! My DD is only 10 so I wouldn’t want anyone moving in.

How many on here are in their fifties? I just feel so old and incapable of this OLD lark? I’ve only been on two dates , and both unsuccessful- and I’m world weary - I know I have to keep going but it’s soul destroying. Maybe I’m one of those who will never meet anyone ?

Should I put in my profile I want a relationship ? I want an exclusive relationship , but casual If you like but if I put casual that presumably means FWB and I don’t want sex, or just sex. But I don’t want asexual , I’m happy for sex within a relationship but only after a while - but so busy being a full time working single mum , no help from exP really just makes free time scarce. So I sort of want a part time full time relationship.
Maybe that’s just not workable with OLD - not really fair on anyone?
Alternatively I wait until DD is 18. And I’ll be 60 odd and try again then!
I do try and swipe on those men who have children just so they have childcare commitments too and understand my predicament.

Most of the men I've come across want this arrangement tbh (40's) so I'd say it is fair and totally workable in certain circumstances. I want to find someone looking for someone to blend families and that seems impossible to find around here 🤦‍♀️

[quote Onesmallstep67]@frankiefirstyear, has your iron been in your life for a while? I think it's sometimes extremely difficult to compartmentalise all the different aspects of your life. I have never had a problem with low level anecdotal stuff about their previous RS. If you have something troubling you with an ex that's still part of your life then I'd find that a real challenge not to let it impact things with current iron.[/quote]
No I've only been texting MrKids for about a month, call scheduled for today or tomorrow, I really struggle with being too open - they'd love me on First Dates I reckon 🤦‍♀️.
It causes me pause that he has complained about his ex to me, I asked if they were at least civil and friendly in front of the kids and it seems they are civil.
His comment about me being an easy target for abusers makes me uneasy (though I know for on this thread, it's different when an iron points it out somehow), and his past addictions are worrying too but he seems to have those under control and nothing he can do about his past.
I'm worried about getting involved with someone toxic again, and also out of my comfort zone meeting/dating someone I don't already know or know of through friends/family (I've never done this).
If he's still wanting to call then I will and hopefully I can get more of a feel for him rather than some fantasy edition of him I'm creating before the meet 🙈

I'm all for that setup too, but hard to articulate on a bio without sounding like you are just looking for FWB.

I want someone committed/ exclusive who I can see 2 / 3 times a week. No living together yet but hopefully with the plan to when my kids are older. I can't seem to find anyone like that in their 40s 🤔

So against my better judgement I went back on pof... Mainly because I already have a hidden profile on there. But I'm really struggling with opening messages and what to write?! I do have a personality, honest!

@GaraMedouar, I am 54. I was widowed at 46 and my DDs were 8 and 13 - now 16 and 21. It was a real juggle at times but all 3 of the guys I have had proper RS with since DH were happy and accommodating when it came to the girls. My last ex very much wanted to be part of all our lives. Mr V, my current DP, is very easy going and there have been no issues so far with wanting to do things but unable to, but that has been helped by lock down restrictions! Without OLD I wouldn't have met anyone. There will be guys online who are looking for the same thing as you without a doubt. And when you meet someone you like then you often compromise to work around each others needs. My list of requirements are always about them as a person and not their circumstances.

How many on here are in their fifties? I just feel so old and incapable of this OLD lark?

53 next week.

I won't ever live with anyone again. But I don't want a casual relationship.

I want regular, even frequent, time together. Exclusivity. Sex. Cooking together, doing things together, doing nothing together, being known as a couple and invited to things as a couple, meeting extended family etc.

Just no living together and definitely no sharing of finances or assets.

I think some divorced men look for divorced women who "got the house" as the men in a divorce are often left a bit badly off. My ex would not have been able to buy a house for many years if it hadn't been for me.

So, no living together for me. I like my space and my own low standards!

@frankiefirstyear, are the things that you are saying to irons things that are at the forefront of your mind ? Are they causing issues in your life at the moment? It sounds like you are a very open person. If this happens in text conversations though I would take a minute to read back what you are sending before you hit the button.

@Onesmallstep67 good advice, thank you, I'm always under time restraints so feel I rush to catch him when we're both available to text. I'm worse at sharing when dealing with issues at the time and it's less controlled then too. I need to not contact an iron when I feel the need to vent, that's for sure, I get more easily wound up by triggers they may inadvertently display and this just exasperates my need to vent.
Love this thread for helping me see things from outside, even if it is after the fact 🙈 maybe next time I will stop beforehand 🙏

@frankiefirstyear, don't be hard on yourself though. Reading back on your earlier post he's clearly shared quite a lot of things with you too like his ex and his addictions ! All via text before you have even spoken or met ?. It seems some people may use OLD in lieu of RL contact and friendship. I think I did at times.

@frankiefirstyear - I have a tendency to over share hugely ! I’m a very open and honest person and when nervous I just babble on with no stop button. I have definitely learnt from this thread that I need to hold back and be ‘lighter’ at least on the first date !

So - maybe I can find what I’m after on OLD. I’ll persevere a bit.

I do want a committed relationship, a partner, just not in each other’s pockets and not seeing too frequently. So it’s not casual as such I’m after, that’s the wrong adjective I suppose.

*I want regular, even frequent, time together. Exclusivity. Sex. Cooking together, doing things together, doing nothing together, being known as a couple and invited to things as a couple, meeting extended family etc.

Just no living together and definitely no sharing of finances or assets.*

This is pretty much what I want too - although I'd be open to living together at some point, and possibly some sharing of finances in the future (shared account to pay bills).

But first I have to meet someone I fancy and have a connection with, and who feels the same about me. At the moment, I can't even get that

I think most people I know have tried OLD at some point, so there's bound to be someone for everyone - it's just a case of being in the right place at the right time to match. Sometimes though, it feels like there's better odds of winning the lottery than that happening...

@GaraMedouar

I think living separately to a partner would be the best of both worlds for me. And seeing them just once a week would work! My DD is only 10 so I wouldn’t want anyone moving in.

How many on here are in their fifties? I just feel so old and incapable of this OLD lark? I’ve only been on two dates , and both unsuccessful- and I’m world weary - I know I have to keep going but it’s soul destroying. Maybe I’m one of those who will never meet anyone ?

Should I put in my profile I want a relationship ? I want an exclusive relationship , but casual If you like but if I put casual that presumably means FWB and I don’t want sex, or just sex. But I don’t want asexual , I’m happy for sex within a relationship but only after a while - but so busy being a full time working single mum , no help from exP really just makes free time scarce. So I sort of want a part time full time relationship.
Maybe that’s just not workable with OLD - not really fair on anyone?
Alternatively I wait until DD is 18. And I’ll be 60 odd and try again then!
I do try and swipe on those men who have children just so they have childcare commitments too and understand my predicament.

I'm 50 so you're not alone :) I put that I wanted a relationship as it filters the sec hounds & also matching with men who have children has worked well although not if it's the sort of bloke who has kids that he never sees, that's when I tend to unmatch fairly swiftly.

@TheCatWithTheHat

*I want regular, even frequent, time together. Exclusivity. Sex. Cooking together, doing things together, doing nothing together, being known as a couple and invited to things as a couple, meeting extended family etc.

Just no living together and definitely no sharing of finances or assets.*

This is pretty much what I want too - although I'd be open to living together at some point, and possibly some sharing of finances in the future (shared account to pay bills).

But first I have to meet someone I fancy and have a connection with, and who feels the same about me. At the moment, I can't even get that

I think most people I know have tried OLD at some point, so there's bound to be someone for everyone - it's just a case of being in the right place at the right time to match. Sometimes though, it feels like there's better odds of winning the lottery than that happening...

So well articulated by @VanGoghsDog and you @TheCatWithTheHat that I could just copy and paste onto my phone and keel as a reminder 😊

Mr Bear and I are discussing all the options but in the knowledge that nothing major is going to happen for years, if ever, but just so that we understand each other's expectations. Actually means I feel more relaxed as we know where we are and that for the time being, our expectations match