Eternally punished for cheating

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I have NC for this. I know Mumsnet hates cheaters and I'm the one that did in this situation. As with everything there are two sides and reasons etc which I won't bore you all with. I'm genuinely interested to know how people perceive this though and I'm sure I'll get some answers I won't like but every time we have a serious relationship issue or chat it always boils down to me being the "cheater" even if the issue discussing isn't to do with that. We're in a rough place and he's just said that I broke the trust so basically he's the better person over all. It's such a final response to the issue that I don't feel I have any comeback as my betrayal trump's any crap behaviour on his part. Is this fair? Should I always then end up to blame because of what I did years ago?

If it was years ago and you worked through it together i don’t think he’s right to hold it as a trump card on every disagreement.

No it's not fair that he keeps bringing it up, but from experience it is really hard to get over and maybe despite what he says he won't actually ever trust you again. If that's the case he should be honest and move on though.

I (unlike many) think relationships can come back from cheating as long as the cheater is genuinely sorry and comes clean about what they did and why.

There’s going to be a period where the other party needs plenty of leeway, but eventually it needs to get back to normal or it’s not worth it for either side.

I say this as someone who was cheated on and is now happily divorced.

No it’s not fair. If you decide to stay with someone after infidelity then it must be on the basis that it’s not going to taint the rest of your relationship for ever more because that’s not a healthy basis to move on. I wouldn’t stay with him if he can’t move on from you cheating.

I would say you didn’t have to cheat. Why didn’t you leave. You were obviously unhappy enough to cheat. However if he’s going to stay with you then he can’t throw it at you every time you have an argument. And maybe he’s at fault for things now that weren’t relevant years ago but he’s still using it as a stick to beat you with.

I don’t think it’s something you will ever be completely rid of unfortunately. Using it as a stick to beat you with even if it’s many years later isn’t necessarily fair, if they thought they couldn’t forgive you then they should have moved on. Yes you have done wrong, but who hasn’t in their lives? Things were obviously very wrong in your relationship and obviously cheating isn’t the answer but it happened, you both decided to move past it so it’s t8me now that they let it go and you need to as well

No it's not fair for bringing up the past if you've worked through it. If he keeps bringing it up in situations unrelated to it, then he hasn't really forgiven you.

Also, if you have a disagreement, the objective is to resolve conflict, not "win", which is what he's trying to do. Do you ever reach a solution when you have a disagreement or does he just say "well, you're the one that cheated, so I'm right, you're wrong"?

If you're unable to move in from this then perhaps you need to reconsider your relationship.

No, if he decided to stick it out, try to make it work and it's been years, then he shouldn't keep throwing it in your face forever. If he can't let it go and it's always going to be ammunition, you've got to ask yourself whether it's worth staying.

How long ago was it?

I’m not sure you can really get over it though, deep down.

That's where I'm at. I was/am very sorry and I don't have a day where I don't regret the hurt I caused but to feel that this will always be used against me to "win" every argument just makes me want to give up. He put me through hell when it came to a head which I understand why but to feel continually punished is hard and when he starts his lines of questioning again it worries me what he might do as he threatened a lot of things. It happened about 4 years ago so not a huge amount of time but not 'recent recent' iyswim.

I honestly think you just have to leave, whatever your circumstances. It really doesn't matter who is wrong/right in the first place or in subsequent disagreements, it's obvious this relationship isn't working and won't now get better. End it.

I think the next time it comes up you need to take a deep breath and say I think this relationship is over. I'm calling it a day. The fact that you've never moved on from me cheating in all these years shows that the relationship can't be saved.

And I'd go. Whatever the issues I agree with pp saying that you can't remain if he is going to throw this in your face in every argument.

Agree with PPs. If you make the decision to stay with somebody after something like this happens, you’re making the decision to work through your issues and attempt to regain trust. Fair enough if it was mentioned and not much time has passed, but if it’s been years and years it’s not fair. If he can’t move past it then he needs to leave

He either forgives you or leaves

He can't have it both ways

He can't forever hold it over you

Very difficult without knowing the full facts, a lot of people are so desparate for the other person to quickly just forgive and forget and ‘get over it’ that stuff gets swept under the carpet at the time and their is still a lot of hidden anger. I know my H when I found out about an old emotional affair was busy asking me after 8 weeks ‘how long he had to wear a hair shirt for’ — as the way he saw it, it was old news, he was extremely upset I found out and very sorry and that was that— unfortunately heads and hearts dont always work like that— and occasionally hidden resentment pops up— that’s the price you pay I feel for someone staying with you and if you cant hack that then it’s also within your power to choose to move on yourself

It sounds like he is absolutely not over it.

Are you happy in the relationship otherwise? What sort of ‘questioning’ do you still get. Does he trust that you are 100% committed now or is it on the assumption you will cheat again?

If you are happy and you want the relationship to succeed, you need to sit down and chat making it absolutely clear that any infidelity is over and that you will not be constantly punished for it, he needs to draw a line and agree that it is not mentioned again. If he cannot, you either need to live with it, which will not be a good life, or be prepared to walk away. Sorry to put it bluntly, but if he has chosen to stay together, he needs to move forward and get over it, if can not do that it is better for both of you to move on separately.

Sounds like he's gaslighting you.

You cheated and he chose to accept your apology and continue the relationship. So in my opinion he loses his 'right' to lord it up over you that you were unfaithful.

I'd seriously be considering wanting to stay with someone who thinks he can use this as a 'trump card' over me every single time we have a disagreement. You are never, ever going to move on if he keeps bringing it up as his trump card every 5 minutes.

I'd be telling him - genuinely - not to ever mention it again in an argument, otherwise you don't see the relationship working as you will always both be reminded of your infidelity and you will end the relationship. If he wants to talk about it when you're not having an argument, fine - but to use it as some sort of ammunition during a row is abusive behaviour on his part and you won't tolerate it.

It depends what the arguments are about when he brings up the cheating. If the argument is unrelated, then he's being unfair.

The problem with a betrayal, is people try and forgive, but so many things become triggers and if they're being honest with themselves, they'd realise they just can't get over it.

I would explain to him that although you are very sorry you are not going to be punished forever and that if he can't move past this it is better for you to separate.

"We're in a rough place and he's just said that I broke the trust so basically he's the better person over all. It's such a final response to the issue that I don't feel I have any comeback as my betrayal trump's any crap behaviour on his part."

Crap behaviour is crap behaviour. And I wonder - has his crap behaviour increased? Since he seems to feel he has a Get Out Of Jail Free Card for any crap behaviour he wishes to exhibit?

I think MadMadMadamMim post bears repeating -
"I think the next time it comes up you need to take a deep breath and say I think this relationship is over. I'm calling it a day. The fact that you've never moved on from me cheating in all these years shows that the relationship can't be saved."

"And I'd go. Whatever the issues I agree with pp saying that you can't remain if he is going to throw this in your face in every argument."

It’s been four years. He shouldn’t be bringing it up to ‘win’ every argument you have at this point (if it’s ever acceptable).

I can understand the upset and wanting to know details and talking it over and having questions regarding the affair in the immediate aftermath but not so much four years down the line.

He does sound abusive and now he has a good firm stick to beat you with.

Leave, your marriage has irretrievably broken down. This isn’t going to get better.

“Very difficult without knowing the full facts, a lot of people are so desparate for the other person to quickly just forgive and forget and ‘get over it’ that stuff gets swept under the carpet at the time and their is still a lot of hidden anger. I know my H when I found out about an old emotional affair was busy asking me after 8 weeks ‘how long he had to wear a hair shirt for’ — as the way he saw it, it was old news, he was extremely upset I found out and very sorry and that was that— unfortunately heads and hearts dont always work like that— and occasionally hidden resentment pops up— that’s the price you pay I feel for someone staying with you and if you cant hack that then it’s also within your power to choose to move on yourself”

This. There are threads on here from posters who are still hurting several years after the affair and have a partner saying they should be over it by now. The nature and extent of the affair is also relevant and 4 years isn’t necessarily that long in the scheme of things. You can’t undo the affair but you can decide, based on how you feel about your relationship overall and how often this comes up, whether or not you are willing to continue to pay this price and for how much longer and you may need to have a serious talk with him setting out your parameters on this and also allowing him to set out his.

With the best will in the world its very difficult to move on once the trust has been broken, even if you both want it to.

I think MadMadMadamMim has the answer. No matter how sorry you are or how much you love someone if it is going to be brought up to control you then you need to move on.

I don’t think happily married people have affairs. In your marriage there must have been something wrong for you to decide that cheating seemed like a good idea. Interested to know if those problems have just been replaced by this form of control

It shouldn't be bought into everything like that either you move on from it or you leave